Thursday, October 11, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!


President Obama defended his debate performance, saying he was “too polite”. There are some formats where politeness isn’t called for. That would be like Evander Holyfield asking Mike Tyson if his ear was prepared to his liking.

President Obama defended his debate performance, saying he was “too polite”. Sort of like how the Cleveland Browns always say “excuse me” before they try to tackle someone.

People who support Mitt Romney’s attack on Big Bird point out the CEO of Sesame Workshop, the group behind “Sesame Street” is paid $684,000 a year. However, those supporting Big Bird point out his take home pay is chickenfeed.

A Pennsylvania man tried to rob a bank for $1 so he would be sentenced to prison. The only problem was finding a bank with any savings accounts that still had a dollar in them.

The U.S. Anti-Doping Agency says Lance Armstrong’s team ran “the most sophisticated, professionalized and successful doping program that sport has ever seen.” Of course, they looked that way only because baseball and football players were practically injecting themselves on the field.

A study says that Weight Watchers is better than other weight loss programs. Although we have gotten so fat people aren’t trying these programs to lose weight. They are just trying to slow down the pace at where they will become morbidly obese.

A study says that Protestants are no longer a majority in the U.S. for the first time in history, falling to 48% of the population. Religion is losing numbers across the board. In fact, the religious leader with the biggest audience on Sunday anymore is Tim Tebow.

British Prime Minister David Cameron says they need to build an “aspiration nation”. They are close. Most of Europe is aspirating as they choke on their worthless Euros.

The Supreme Court is divided over an affirmative action case involving college admissions. Apparently they are questioning why minorities shouldn’t have the same opportunity to get mired hopelessly deep in college loan debt like anyone else?

A kids magazine in Tunisia shows young children how to make Molotov Cocktails. Only for the kids the are called “Shirley Temple Jihads”.

A study says that Washington, D.C. is the best educated big city in the U.S. If that’s true, how can their basic math skills be so bad to rack up a $16 Trillion national deficit?

A report says the most popular car color in the world in 2012 is white. Apparently if everyone drives the same color car, it makes it much harder for the repo man to determine which one he is supposed to take.

A study says that voters actually prefer candidates who have vague plans. Apparently the study was done by listening to C-SPAN.

The government is warning drivers about counterfeit air bags that may have been installed in some repaired cars. Apparently the best way to tell is if the air bag comes with its own bicycle pump.

A study the higher a country’s chocolate consumption, the more Nobel Prize winners it produces per-capita. Apparently it turns out those gold Nobel medals are actually foil wrapped chocolate coins.

A study says that contrary to popular opinion, older workers are not crowding out younger job seekers. For one thing, the study never actually found any older workers who still have a job.

Netflix has agreed to close caption all its content as part of a lawsuit by 2014. Apparently the suit was brought by fans of Sylvester Stallone who get tired of not knowing what his movies are about.

The number of U.S. deaths set a record last year at more than 2.5 Million. The increase was attributed to a growing population, people getting older and Lindsay Lohan getting her driver’s license back.

A study suggests that sex addiction is a real disorder. As many as half the population has all the symptoms of the affliction. Being a man.

A study says that faces look less attractive and trustworthy on close up photos. Mostly because the only real close up shots you ever see anymore are mug shots.

A study says that medicines last at full strength well past their expiration date. A lot of times they are left over after the person taking them met their expiration date.

Researchers say that strokes are on the increase among younger people. Especially those who have enrolled in their company’s 401k plan.

Anderson Cooper says that Bristol Palin needs to get a real job. Advice like that should always be taken seriously from someone who was born into New York high society and has spent his entire career reading news from a desk or hosting a talk show.

“The Bachelor” couple Ben Flajnik and Courtney Robertson say they broke up because they weren’t as similar as they thought. Who would have guessed that two “Bachelor” contestants wouldn’t both be self absorbed, egotistical and selfish?

Drew Lachey says he just wants “Dancing With The Stars” to have “credibility and legitimacy.” The first way that could be fixed is to quit calling it Dancing with the “Stars”.

Justin Bieber says a camera and computer was stolen from him during a performance in Washington. He says the camera was no big deal but he really misses his Leap Frog.

A report says that conservatives text less than liberals. Mostly because Republicans are smart enough to keep their conversations from having any sort of record of evidence.

Extreme skydiver Felix Baumgartner has delayed his 23 mile jump again until Sunday. Apparently he wants to wait awhile so that when people hear the term “freefall” they aren’t thinking about President Obama’s numbers after the debate.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, the Giants play game 5 of their series today against Cincinnati. If I can’t root for my Dodgers, I take equal pleasure in rooting against the Giants. Go Reds! If you have no loyalty to any team, make sure you save the love you send for me!

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