Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he wants all state tax income tax brackets cut by 10%. Apparently the cast of “Jersey Shore” is complaining they just don’t have enough money left over after taxes to buy all the tanning products they have to use.
A study says that one in every three Americans is obese. The other two are pretty much just fat.
The U.S. has joined in an effort to draw up an international space code of conduct. Before that, how about a code of conduct for our politicians?
The U.S. has joined in an effort to draw up an international space code of conduct. Apparently the first rule is no wearing astronaut diapers while driving cross country to kidnap a romantic rival.
Seattle is looking for what could be its biggest snowstorm in decades. The city won’t have been that white since Thursday.
L.A. has approved a law requiring adult film stars to wear condoms. That means people are really going to have to be careful about answering ads about heading up a movie’s wardrobe department.
Ancient Greek sites like the Acropolis could be available for rent to raise money for the bankrupt government. It’s not a bad idea. Lobbyists have been renting out the White House for decades.
Bill Clinton is tackling childhood obesity. Isn’t that what got him into trouble in the first place?
A report says that Americans are raiding their savings accounts which is putting the economic recovery at risk. Economists were shocked. There are still people who have money in their savings accounts?
An analysis says that barely more people are thriving than struggling in the U.S. Of course, in this economy thriving means not struggling, and struggling means not suffering.
A study says that Americans are keeping their cars longer than ever. Mostly Chrysler owners who can’t find anyone who will buy theirs.
A study says that Americans are keeping their cars longer than ever at 10.8 years. Mostly because that’s how long it is taking to pay off the car loans while working part time at two jobs.
A study says that Americans are keeping their cars longer than ever at 10.8 years. Once you’ve lived in that car for a few years it’s hard to move into a new place.
A report says that iPhones are built in part by 13 year olds in China. Apparently those are the ones who get promoted after doing a good job from age 2-12 for Nike.
A study says that constantly checking on smartphones causes stress. Especially if your girlfriend keeps texting you while you are sitting right next to your wife.
Analysts predict that there will be 500 Million Twitter accounts by February. Fortunately, it’s the shortest month so we’ll be spared a few billion mindless observations of what everyone had for breakfast.
Analysts predict that there will be 500 Million Twitter accounts by February. The question is, if someone wrote something really important on a Tweet, would anyone ever know?
Passengers on a British Airways flight were erroneously told on a recording the plane was about to crash. Apparently the recording was supposed to be installed on a United Airlines plane.
Passengers on a British Airways flight were erroneously told on a recording the plane was about to crash. Women were running around like crazy seeing if Ralph Fiennes was on the flight for a last bathroom rendezvous.
The CDC says that binge drinking is not just a college problem. Many older Americans also take part in binge drinking. Mostly when they get their kids’ college tuition bills.
More than One Million people have signed petitions to recall Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker. So that’s how to get out the voters. Not to vote people in to office, but to kick them out.
The captain of the cruise ship that ran aground off the coast of Italy reportedly defied an order to get back on the boat. He said he didn’t need to. Everything was being taken care of by Doc, Gopher and Julie.
The Federal Government wants an effective treatment for Alzheimer’s Disease by 2025. Although it would actually be better if everyone would have forgotten by then what has been going on the past few years in this country.
A Chicago woman won an unemployment claim after being fired for doing work during her lunch break. Apparently the company fired anyone who even thought there was such a thing as a lunch break.
Bank overdraft fees are continuing to climb. The only problem is how do you charge a fee to a person with a negative account balance?
Congress is returning to work with historically low voter approval ratings. But they don’t care because their donors have given them historically high amounts of money to run campaigns that will keep them in office.
A study says that a wandering mind can ruin a mood. Especially when your mind wanders from thinking about Jessica Alba to how your 1985 Chevy needs a new transmission.
A South Florida group is pushing for a gun ban in hospitals and nursing homes. Who needs guns in a hospital? If you don’t have insurance they will get all your money without having to fire a shot.
A study says that sleeping after a traumatic event may lock in bad memories and emotions. So try not to take a nap on that flight following the TSA security check.
TV host Wendy Williams is launching a campaign to save the Twinkies as Hostess has declared bankruptcy. How fat are we getting that a TV personality is making it a personal crusade to rescue a preservative laden dessert sponge cake?

TV host Wendy Williams is launching a campaign to save the Twinkies as Hostess has declared bankruptcy. Remember when TV personalities used to take on projects to help sick and poor people instead of rallying for a creme filled dessert?
A study says that Twitter usage at work has jumped 700% in the last year. Mostly from NFL players on the sidelines who are taunting their opponents during the game.
A study says that Twitter usage at work has jumped 700% in the last year. Mostly from people tweeting their friends about helping them get a better job.
Scientists say that New Mexico is stretching wider east to west by an inch every year. Anti-immigration groups are sounding the alarm saying how long are we going to let the U.S.-Mexico border get before we do something about it?
That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I took my daughter out for a congratulatory dinner last night after she pulled four As and three Bs on her report card. I keep asking her how she learned to cheat so well but so far she isn’t giving it up. Gotta give her the love for doing better than the old man ever did!

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