Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

A $45 Million Department of Homeland Security project in Chicago has been declared a compete disaster. On the other hand, any time the DHS is involved in something that only wastes $45 Million it has to be considered a success.

The White House is being accused of throwing a lavish “Alice in Wonderland” Halloween party in 2009 and covering it up. Of course the Democrats and Republicans were fighting over who should be Tweedledee and who should be Tweedledum.

A Wisconsin man who was arrested for possession of marijuana is named Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop. Which was the first clue that he may have had some illegal drugs lying around.

A report says that Hong Kong’s air pollution levels are at its worst ever. In fact “Hong” and “Kong” are the coughing sounds that residents’ make when they breathe deeply enough on a smoggy day.

McDonald’s will start using a DNA spray on fleeing robbers that will stay on their clothes and skin for weeks. Or they could feed them a Big Mac which stays on their thighs for several months.

A study says that nicotine patches may improve the memories of elderly people who are mildly impaired. Apparently more than half of them wearing the patches were able to remember where they left their cigarettes.

A study says the risk of having a heart attack is 21 times higher the day following the death of a relative or friend. Especially when they find out they were written out of the person’s will.

The White House is proposing a plan that would convert foreclosures to rentals. People buy a house, stay in it a few months and get booted when they can’t make the payments. It already is a rental market.

The MBTA, operator of a train line in Boston send a memo telling train operators not to sleep on the job. Apparently if they want to do that they should have gone to school to be an air traffic controller.

The U.S. national debt has passed the country’s economy at more than $15 Trillion. Now the entire nation knows what it was like to have a home loan from Countrywide Mortgage.

The IRS is reviewing a plan to forgive offshore tax cheats. All they need to do is bring all their money back into the U.S. and they get enough tax cuts so they don’t have to even cheat in the first place.

A GOP plan says that anyone without a high school diploma won’t be eligible to collect unemployment. Which means all those college grads who are standing in line for their unemployment checks will know that their education was really worth it after all.

A GOP plan says that anyone without a high school diploma won’t be eligible to collect unemployment. Which still leaves them better off than the college graduates who have jobs but will be working until they are 80 to pay off their college tuition loans.

Paul McCartney’s new album will be titled “Kisses On The Bottom”. Apparently after fifty years in the music business it sums up his view of how the industry operates.

Charlie Sheen says he isn’t crazy anymore. Actually, by Hollywood standards he pretty much just went through a mild episode.

Americans have cut their health care spending for the second year in a row. Mostly because no one has any money to buy cigarettes, booze or fast food which made them need health care in the first place.

A report says that some medical schools are turning away donated cadavers that are too fat. How insulting would it be to get turned down for a university while you are alive because you are too dumb, and when you are dead because you are too fat?

A report says that some medical schools are turning away donated cadavers that are too fat. Apparently when a 400 pound corpse comes in, it’s too easy for the students to figure out the cause of death.

Tim Tebow’s performance on Sunday set a Twitter record with 9,420 tweets per second. Which was just a bit less than the number of times Denver fans were “Tebowing” after his overtime touchdown pass.

Some teachers in Georgia are being investigated for using slavery as examples for math problems. Apparently that is only allowed if the math problem is about the nation’s job market.

Wall Street bonuses could be cut as much as 30% this year. Which is reasonable considering Wall Street investors have been cut about 80% in the past four years.

Hostess, the company that makes Twinkies is preparing to file for bankruptcy. The good news is that the Twinkies can just be put in a vault until the company comes out of bankruptcy and they’ll still be as fresh as ever.

Airlines are adding a $3 charge per passenger on flights from the U.S. to Europe to pay for emissions fees. You mean they can’t just deduct three bucks from their overpriced tickets, arbitrary luggage fees or wallet gouging drink prices?

A study says that heart attack victims in the U.S. are often sent home too soon. Mostly when their health insurance card comes up as “canceled”.

The UK is telling Brits to refrain from drinking alcohol twice a week. Namely when driving or in church.

A study says that healthy eating may help ADHD kids. The question is, who thought that healthy eating might be a bad idea for anyone?

A study says that nicotine patches don’t help smokers quit for the long term. Especially when the smokers start rolling tobacco inside the patches and smoking them.

86 year old Dick Van Dyke is engaged to a 39 year old woman. Their honeymoon night will be called “Diagnosis: Wishful Thinking”.

86 year old Dick Van Dyke is engaged to a 39 year old woman.To which Hugh Hefner is asking if she has any daughters.

Snoop Dogg was busted for marijuana in Texas by a drug sniffing dog. What’s bad is that the drug sniffing dog was in Oklahoma at the time.

Barry Larkin says he is humbled by his selection to the Baseball Hall of Fame. Doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose of getting into the Hall in the first place?

Electronic gadget sales are expected to top $1 Trillion in 2012. And those same gadgets are expected to cost companies another $1 Trillion in time lost to employees playing with their electronic gadgets.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I appreciate you reading my jokes every day. You are truly loyal. Or gluttons for punishment. In any event, feel free to tell your friends to check into the blog or even your enemies. Whichever you prefer. If you tell enough people, that is exactly the same as sending the love!