Sunday, April 13, 2008

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...Tax Day is coming up...I have found a way to beat the system...No income...No taxes...

April 15th is Income Tax Day. Or as those people making more than $200,000 a year call it, "Tuesday".

Troops in Afghanistan will be given new hand held lie detectors that can instantly tell when someone is not telling the truth. Government officials are just making sure they are shipped as far away as possible from Washington, D.C.

20% of scientists admit they take drugs to boost their brain power. Then they hold wild parties where they play Sudoku.

If they take too many brain enhancing drugs, they walk around in a daze saying "Dude, I am so freaking smart..."

Only a scientist would actually go to a party where you leave with more brain cells than when they started.

A British 6 year old has been treated at a hospital for alcoholism. Fortunately he was recommended to a good program by Britney Spears' kids.

A British 6 year old is being treated for alcoholism. Fortunately, Cub Scouts and AA don't meet on the same day.

Elton John says he is amazed at the misogynistic attitude of Americans. He says he notices a definite difference in how he is treated whenever he wears a boa and heels.

The Olympic torch was whisked to a secret location in San Francisco to avoid protesters. That, after all the work done in San Francisco to protect anything that is flaming.

The Oliver Stone biopic about George W. Bush paints him as a foul-mouthed reformed alcoholic who was obsessed by Saddam Hussein. President Bush told Stone where he could put his two thumbs up.

200 senior citizens at a Michigan retirement home escaped a fire there. Fortunately, the residents were prepared due to their weekly six hour fire drill.

A study says the middle class are fearful of the prospects of the future. Economists were puzzled. There is still a middle class?

The study says the short term assessments of personal progress are the worst in a half century. That means betting on the Cubs is a better move than investing in your 401k.

American Airlines canceled more than a thousand flights last week for airplane maintenance. You would think while the planes were grounded they might have also cleaned a couple.

More than a thousand flights were canceled by American Airlines. If that were Southwest, it could have grounded as many as ten million passengers.

It was so bad, some of the passengers were sent over to fly on JetBlue.

With a thousand flights grounded, TSA workers had nothing to do but violate each other.

A homeless man in Denver went ballistic and attacked his barber after getting a free haircut. Apparently he mistook a picture of Donald Trump for a mirror.

A study says that middle aged men who eat seven eggs or more a week have a higher risk for early death. If you are middle aged, doesn't that mean you have already missed an early death?

Middle aged men who eat seven eggs or more a week are more likely to die early. Especially if the husband of the woman fixing them breakfast finds out.

A study says that a regional nuclear war could cause worldwide havoc for at least a decade. In other words, it would be less of a problem than the subprime mortgage crisis.

A music school in Los Angeles has been named for Herb Alpert. The embarrassing part is that their fight song is "Tijuana Taxi".

A study says that a person's face can tell if the person is interested in casual sex or a long term commitment. You can tell they are interested in casual sex if the face in question is a man's.

American Airlines canceled more than a thousand flights last week. At the same time, ATA, Skybus and Aloha Airlines all went bankrupt. It was so bad, pilots were actually having to drink in bars.

A report says that officials in the Bush Administration approved the torture of terror suspects. And that doesn't even include the people waiting in security lines at the airport.

A study says there could be as many as 4.3 Billion barrels of oil underneath North Dakota and Montana. Once that is confirmed, troops will be sent in within weeks.

When President Bush as informed there could be 4.3 Billion barrels of oil under North Dakota and Montana, he asked "Who put all those barrels down there?"

A Dubai Prince spent $2.7 Million on a camel. And you thought gasoline prices were high here.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says his medical records have been breached after hospital visits. He says unauthorized people looked at his files following an oil change and 20,000 mile parts replacement check-up.

A Polygamy compound in Texas was raided, where girls were married off when they hit puberty. Or as R. Kelly calls it, an old maid's home.

Florida lawmakers have passed a bill allowing people to take their guns to work. Apparently that "take your daughter to work day" thing just never really caught on.

Florida lawmakers have passed a bill allowing people to take their guns to work. That will make the boss think twice before yelling at an employee.,

California is proposing a thirty cent a bottle tax on beer. What do you call someone drinking beer in California? A tourist.

If the state really wanted to raise money, they would tax bottled water and wine.

Vanilla Ice was arrested in Florida for battery. His agent didn't return calls about the arrest. The music industry was shocked. Vanilla Ice has an agent?

Vanilla Ice has an agent. Apparently they must be making...what's ten percent of nothing?

Vanilla Ice was arrested in Florida. That's the first publicity his agent has gotten him in ten years.

Vanilla Ice was arrested for battery in Florida. Apparently that feud with M.C. Hammer still hasn't played out.

Vanilla Ice sold 15 Million copies of "Ice Ice Baby" in 1990. His career sales have since climbed to 15 Million and three.

Consumer confidence is at an all time low, according to a study. It's so low, the people conducting the study were asking respondents if they had any spare change.

President Bush Made 923 thousand dollars in 2007, and paid more than $200 thousand in taxes. Who prepares his taxes? He's the only rich guy in the country who actually pays the IRS.

President Bush paid more than $200 thousand in taxes on more than $900 thousand income. That's what they get for letting President Bush prepare his own return.

President Bush thought he was going to get a refund. He tried to write off the $9 Trillion national debt since he created it.

Vice President Cheney made more than $3 Million in 2007. Of course, he helped Exxon Mobil take in more than $40 Billion last year as well.

A monument to press freedom opened in Washington, D.C. called the Newseum. Unfortunately, the exhibits only go up to 2001.

A monument to the government-controlled press opened a few years ago. It is called "Fox News Channel".

Kobe Bryant shot a commercial where it appears he is jumping over a moving car. It was easy to get Kobe to do it. He was told the car was being driven by Shaquille O'Neal.

A monument to the Russian space dog Laika was dedicated in Moscow. Laika was known for her erratic behavior, including humping the legs of other astronauts. Or was that Lisa Nowak?

When told about the monument to Laika, Lisa Nowak said "She may have been the first bitch in space, but I'm the baddest!"

A study says that meditation may boost heart health. The way it works is meditating can help you temporarily forget about your health care premiums.

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa has told the federal government to back off on their immigration raids around the city. Which means he is hungry and his yard looks like hell.

The number of Cubans leaving the island by sea are increasing. When Raul Castro relaxed restrictions on consumer goods, he had no idea everyone would go out and buy a boat.

The world's most expensive coffee is coming to England, at $100 a cup. Or as they know it over there, a couple of Euros.

Starbucks thinks that price is ridiculous. For $100 you should at least get a Danish with your coffee.

A fight club was busted at a Texas high school where kids would meet in the bathroom and just start fighting. Otherwise known as a Texas high school.

President Clinton's post presidential perks cost almost as much as President Carter and the first President Bush's combined. Apparently it takes a lot of work to keep Hillary from finding out what he's doing.

President Bush's popularity rating is down to 28%, its lowest ever. If it goes much lower, we may be invaded by another country that feels we need a regime change.

President Bush's popularity ratings are down to 28%. Even Dick Cheney is telling him he needs to work on his image.

President Bush's popularity ratings are down to 28%. Pretty much like the average American's stock portfolio.

President Bush's popularity ratings are down to 28%. He is still regarded favorably by stockholders in Halliburton and Exxon Mobil.

A study says that baldness doesn't increase the risk of heart disease. However, it still isn't so good for your love life.

A survey says that weight discrimination is almost as prevalent as race discrimination. That's more bad news for Al Sharpton.

A survey says that weight discrimination is almost as prevalent as race discrimination. At least in America, fat people have the advantage of not being a minority.

Drug companies are going to disclose their spending practices with doctor clients under pressure of congressional regulation. Just as long as they don't reveal how much money their lobbyists are spending on congress.

The Texas polygamy compound that was raided reportedly taught children there that the outside world is hostile and immoral. Nothing like the security they offered of marrying off thirteen year old girls to 50 year old men with several other wives.

California is spending $600 Million on a think tank to combat global warming. Taxpayers are angry about spending so much money on an unproven hoax. Namely think tanks.

Several college presidents and athletic directors have complained to the NCAA about the number of beer commercials played during the national basketball championship tournament. The tournament is watched by men. It's just difficult getting feminine hygiene products as sponsors.

Southern African leaders are holding an emergency summit to address the crisis in Zimbabwe. Their number one solution is for everyone to leave Zimbabwe.

Oil giants Chevron and Total are in discussions to increase oil production in Iraq. It's part of the Bush war in Iraq policy of no drop of crude left behind.

President Bush will not boycott the opening ceremonies of the Summer Olympics in Beijing. It may be his last big party in office since he may not be invited to the Republican National Convention.

The Pope will not attend a White House dinner in his honor on his upcoming visit to the U.S. President Bush was upset at the news. He was wondering who they could get now to say grace?

The LAPD is using a new reporting system to try to uncover terrorist plots. Of course, the system is not as much a priority ever since the Raiders left town.

The Sydney Music Festival is performing a "Car Orchestra" which uses the engine noise and horns from several automobiles. The Los Angeles version will be a bit more modernistic, with obscene gestures and sporadic gunfire.

The Sydney Music Festival is performing a "Car Orchestra" using engine noise and car horns. The seating arrangements are chauffeured, taxi and soccer mom.

A government health official says that climate change could bring health risks with it. Like being attacked by a polar bear while lying out at the beach.

Former Cy Young winner Denny McLain was arrested for an outstanding warrant in a civil case. McLain was one of the first major leaguers to wear bling. Most of it on his wrists.

Scientists have discovered some 8,000 year old trees in Sweden which could be the world's oldest. Carved into one of the trees are the words "McCain was here".

A nationwide emergency text alert system could be in place by 2010. All the government needs to do is find someone with some very fast thumbs.

College students in Virginia took a tour of a brothel during a trip to Nevada. They saw signs of sex and debauchery that they hadn't seen since their tour of the campus fraternity houses.

Federal investigators were able to buy stolen military equipment online on eBay. Government officials were mad until they realized they were paying a lot less for it than the military.

A bank robber in Georgia was caught after taking a taxi to rob the bank. Apparently he needed the money to fill up the tank in his own car.

Venezuelan television dropped "The Simpsons" for "Baywatch". The government determined that "The Simpsons" were not appropriate for children to watch. Neither was "Baywatch", but nobody cares because it is filled with hot babes.

The Dalai Lama has told NBC that he doesn't support an Olympic Boycott. However, he does support a boycott of "My Name Is Earl".

A copy of the screenplay for "Lord of the Rings" was taken from a detainee at Guantanamo Bay. Since waterboarding is no longer permitted, prison officials replaced it with a copy of the screenplay of "I Know Who Killed Me".

President Bush says he is keeping a close eye on airline troubles. With American Airlines canceling hundreds of flights and several other airlines going out of business, never has anyone believed the president more.

Gasoline prices in Maui, Hawaii have reached an average of more than $4 a gallon. Even the lepers at Molokai are complaining about having to pay an arm and a leg to fill their tanks.

Southwest Airlines says their fuel bill for 2007 came out to $3 Billion. Along with snacks, drinks and other passenger amenities that totals Three Billion and three dollars.

Southwest Airlines paid a half billion more in fuel in 2007 than the year before. Not only has fuel gone up, the average American has gotten that much fatter.

A report says that mid-sized cars have come up with the biggest improvement in crash tests. Driving is just a lot safer anyway. With gas so expensive, there aren't as many cars on the road to hit any more.

A bill in congress would make hybrid cars noisier so that blind people would hear them coming. What do they want them to do, tie a couple of tin cans to the bumper?

Starbucks is going to start serving "every day" coffee. I thought they already had that. You can drink their coffee every day you have an extra five bucks.

Bedroom television sets are linked to unhealthy habits for teenagers. Like watching television.

Bedroom television sets are linked to unhealthy habits for teenagers. Especially when the bedroom they are watching it in is their teacher's.

A study says that kids' gymnastics are among the riskiest sports. Especially if your kid has one of those really creepy kids' gymnastics coaches.

Major League Baseball players and owners have agreed to amnesty for all players mentioned in the Mitchell Report on performance enhancing drugs. Well, that showed those players they had better think twice before using steroids next time.

The investigation and report was put together by former Senator George Mitchell. Only a former congressman could spend all that time and money on an investigation with absolutely no results.

All the players mentioned in the Mitchell Report have been given amnesty by Major League Baseball. In other words, substances are still legal as long as they are not actually rubbed onto the baseball.

I don't even care about substance abuse with the baseball players. I just want to get them out of the ball park hot dogs.

Joe Paterno and Penn State have agreed that no contract is necessary to keep coaching. When someone reaches 81years old, you don't want to make commitments past the next meal.

A new watch measures the speed, tempo and rhythm of a golfer's swing. How about a watch that makes them play a round in under five hours?

How about a watch that induces an electric shock if the player hasn't moved for thirty seconds?

Barry Bonds' final home run ball has been auctioned off for $376,000. That also includes the needle he used to inject himself with steroids before the game.

Tampa Bay reliever Al Reyes was arrested after a fight in a bar. It was his natural reaction to get upset when someone called for a new pitcher.

A Colorado man was arrested after getting into a fight with his girlfriend over which gang their four year old toddler would eventually join. It's nice to see that some parents still get involved with their kids' organizational activities even in this hectic day and age.

The mother is a Crip, and the dad belongs to the Westside Ballers. They need to know which gang the kid will be claimed by in time to pick out his Halloween costume.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! It's a good week to send the love, since the IRS will take everything else...

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