Sunday, March 16, 2008

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...Monday is St. Patrick's Day...When we celebrate the wearin' o' the green...and Big Oil the makin' o' the green...

Pharmaceuticals have been found in the water supplies in several cities. Drug making companies now want to charge a copay along with everyone's monthly water bill.

Food prices are increasing at their fastest rate since 1990. $4 a gallon gas is sending us into a recession, but when food goes up in price for Americans that is the road to another depression.

Monday is St. Patrick's Day. St. Patrick is said to have driven the snakes out of Ireland. After that, they relocated to the U.S. and became subprime lenders.

A survey says that 26% of U.S. companies plan to hire people in the next three months. The bad news is the people they plan to hire are mainly bankruptcy lawyers.

A study says that the risk of someone getting Alzheimer's Disease increases if both parents have it. The rest of the findings of the study are not known as the researchers seem to have misplaced it.

95% of Lasik eye surgery patients say they are satisfied with their new vision. Until they realize they can actually read the eye surgeon's bill.

The last game played at Yankee Stadium will be an NHL hockey match. When they play the last game at Fenway Park in Boston, they may freeze the field to bring Ted Williams back one more time.

President Bush sent Vice President Cheney to the Middle East to rein in oil prices. That's like sending Paris Hilton to promote celibacy.

The Vatican has put out a list of new "sins", including pollution. That means church members will have to go green or their souls won't be recycled.

The Vatican has put out a sanctioned sex guide which recommends more sex for Catholics. The problem is that Catholics like the Kennedys have always had lots of sex. Just not with their spouses.

Southern Baptist leaders are joining the fight against climate change. Of course, southerners have been pretty much against any change since the end of the Civil War.

A new surveillance camera can see under clothes up to 75 feet away. The only thing more invasive when traveling on United Airlines is the groper sitting next to you.

A study says the war in Iraq is costing $12 Billion a month. Why did that require a study? Don't we know how much it costs just by adding up the expenses?

While the war in Iraq is costing Americans $12 Billion a month, at least we can rest easily knowing it has helped Exxon Mobil reach yearly profits of $40 Billion.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian says he is going to run for congress in Michigan. Who better to represent the auto industry that has been committing industrial suicide for the past thirty years?

Having Dr. Kevorkian in congress will be good, if for nothing else to make sure the other congressmen don't doze off while he's around.

The EPA is toughening standards for air pollution, as 345 counties have failed air quality tests. The ratings of the cities that failed go from "poor", to "unacceptable" to "Beijing".

President Bush says he will hand the keys to the White House to John McCain. But he will keep a set of keys to the playground for himself.

For the first time since 1992, a plurality of voters say they are worse off than four years ago. Those people are called Countrywide Mortgage customers.

60 year old comedian Billy Crystal played in an exhibition game for the Yankees. He is so old, his pre-game steroids were covered by Medicare.

Even Julio Franco was asking who the geezer was.

Crystal turned down a parking spot in the players lot. He could get even closer to the stadium with his handicap parking pass.

A study says that moms who quit smoking have healthier babies. Britney Spears says she will quit just as soon as she can get her kids to cut back some.

A woman was stopped at the Munich Airport after a skeleton was found in her luggage. It turns out it was just a passenger from an earlier JetBlue flight.

A study shows that 30,000 surgery patients a year in America are awake during the operation. Apparently the doctors want them alert in case they need to sign any insurance supplement forms.

30,000 patients a year are awake during surgery. Apparently HMOs do that so the patient can just walk out of the hospital after the surgeon sews them up.

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned after being caught using a prostitute. That's the difference between Spitzer and often-married former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani. One likes to rent, the other to own.

A Massachusetts town has a "sniff squad" that rates landfill odors on a scale of 1to 8 by smell. The ratings range from "bearable" to "foul" to "New Jersey".

Dawn Wells, who played Mary Ann on "Gilligan's Island" was busted in Idaho for possession of marijuana. Wells says she was embarrassed. Imagine having to explain to your friends and family that you were in Idaho.

Actress Dawn Wells was busted for pot in Idaho. She's 69 years old. At that age couldn't she have just claimed medicinal marijuana?

A new economic report says the U.S. may avoid a recession. Pretty much like Kirstie Alley can avoid a Baskin-Robbins.

A study says one in four American teenage girls has an STD. Coincidentally, so do one in four American public school teachers.

A judge has thrown out a libel ruling against a restaurant critic in Ireland. Apparently the critic says their food tasted "Irish".

The only thing he could have said to make the restaurant look worse is if he said the food tasted "Scottish".

A study says the number of hate groups operating in the U.S. have increased by 48% since 2000. Of course, most of them have sprung up since Hillary Clinton announced her candidacy for President.

A study says that hazing is still practiced on college campuses across the country. And according to the government, is still alive and well at Guantanamo Bay as well.

The U.S. says China is denying human rights and freedoms, harassing journalists and torturing prisoners. That means we're on the right track towards getting the 2016 Olympics.

The House held the first closed door session in congress in 25 years to discuss a surveillance bill. President Bush says he wished he was a fly on the wall in the meeting. Then he remembered the FBI had already installed a fly on the wall for the meeting.

President Bush says 2008 will be a "fabulous year" for Republicans. At least the ones who own Halliburton and Exxon Mobil.

The town of Tamarac in Broward County, Florida held an election and not one of the 68 registered voters showed up. Apparently all Florida elections are now automatically forwarded to the Supreme Court.

The hooker in the Eliot Spitzer case is rumored to be trying to cash in on all the publicity. Cash in? She was making $3500 an hour. How much more can she get?

Spitzer was paying a hooker $3500 an hour. I wonder if they would sell three minutes' worth?

Michael Jackson's lawyer says that Neverland Ranch has been refinanced to keep it from being auctioned off. Real estate experts were shocked. Who would give Michael Jackson a loan?

Even Countrywide Mortgages said Michael Jackson was just too big a risk.

A study says that PG rated movies with the least amount of profanity make the most money at the box office. Especially when the actors are too busy taking off their clothes to swear.

A study says the average net worth of a U.S. Senator is $1.7 Million, and a U.S. congressman $675,000. That's because Senate lobbyists get to spread their bribes among fewer members than House lobbyists.

A government report says an ingredient in popcorn can damage the lungs. How much are we inhaling our food that now our lungs are at risk when we eat?

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer had to resign when he was caught using a prostitute. He was caught through a money transfer. Who uses money transfers for prostitutes? That would be a tough transaction on the credit card statement to explain to the wife.

CBS CEO Les Moonves says that Katie Couric has lost the 55 and older male demographic. Otherwise known as "CBS viewers".

A gun ban in Washington, D.C. since 1976 is being questioned. Forget the guns. A lot more of the nation's problems would be solved with a Washington, D.C. lobbyist ban.

The lawyer for Ashley Alexandra Dupree, the prostitute in the Eliot Spitzer case says his client is not a public figure. He's right. At $3500 an hour, we are talking some pretty select clientele.

The Post Office is giving away free cards with postage to send a message to friends or family. After mailing the card, you can send the person an e-mail telling them to expect the note in a week or two.

UCLA Medical Center is firing several people who looked at Britney Spears' medical records while she was a patient. They were looking at her medical records because there is no way UCLA would have a copy of her transcripts.

The Dodgers and Padres played the first Major League Baseball game in China. It was nice for the players to finally get to see where their bats, balls and uniforms are made.

The L.A. and San Diego baseball players were amazed to see the stadium seats full of so many people who weren't Mexican.

High wheat prices are responsible for raising grocery prices by double and triple. The new status symbol is gassing up the SUV for a trip to the supermarket.

Arizona and Colorado are considering their own guest worker programs to attract immigrant laborers from Mexico. That way they can cut out the middleman by hiring them all from California.

President Bush is urging the American public to have patience with the economy. It's taken him seven years to mess things up this much, so he needs a little more time to finish what he started.

The Senate has passed a $3 Trillion budget. When things get tough, it's always good to fall back on what you do best, and no one can spend more than our Congress.

Video game sales in February were up 34%. No matter how bad the economy is getting , there is no stopping our kids from doing absolutely nothing.

Vince McMahon of the WWE has received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Why now? He has given jobs to more actors than any Hollywood producer ever has.

Lubbock, Texas has been picked for having the worst teeth in the country. Of course, every city in Alabama was disqualified from the competition for lack of contestants.

Lubbock, Texas has the worst teeth in the nation. That explains the intense English interest in the Old West.

Syphilis cases in the U.S. have gone up for the 7th straight year. Which shows that Pris Hilton's popularity hasn't dropped at all during that time.

Greek archaeologists say they have found evidence on skeletal remains of brain surgery performed 1,800 years ago. They also found evidence of the first medical malpractice case file right next to it.

The interesting part of the discovery is that most HMOs still use the same technique for brain surgery today.

It has also been discovered that anyone enrolling in an HMO is usually in need of brain surgery.

The FBI is reporting there is a possible threat to Wall Street. I believe it is called the subprime mortgage disaster.

Why would anyone threaten Wall Street? All the terrorists have to do is sit back and watch everything continue to unravel.

A presidential panel says the inability of students to do fractions is hurting math scores across the country. In fact, figuring out math scores in the U.S. pretty much involves only fractions.

Gasoline prices on Maui have hit $4 a gallon. To mark the occasion, they are putting an Exxon Mobil gas pump right next to the USS Arizona.

A convicted mafioso in Italy has been sent to house arrest because he is too fat for his jail cell. There's one criminal who really must have gotten his just desserts.

A group of elderly women are clipping coupons to help military families save money. It's just hard to locate coupons for deals on armored Humvees.

Iraq oil revenues have been soaring, giving the country a huge surplus. The Iraq war led to a regime change and an improved economy in Iraq. It may do the same thing to the U.S.

Raul Castro is allowing Cubans to buy modern goods that were previously banned. Many Cubans are looking forward to finally owning that long awaited Victrola and transistor radio.

China is being urged to scrap their one child policy. Apparently one billion people just isn't enough to build all the cheap crap we want to buy here in the U.S.

Hamburg, Germany is closing the city's oldest Bordello, which was started in 1948. Interestingly enough, the German word for Hooker is "Spitzer".

Britons have been hit by new "sin taxes" on alcohol, tobacco and gas guzzlers. If that happened here, there would be another insurrection in the South.

The federal government has pulled the security clearance of Eliot Spitzer. That doesn't matter. His wife won't let him go anywhere alone for the next twenty years.

The feds have pulled Eliot Spitzer's security clearance. Apparently he wasn't using a government approved Hooker.

President Bush is trying to put the Iraq war back into the American consciousness. How bad has the economy gotten that he wants us to look at Iraq as the "Good old days"?

Michelle Wie made $19 Million in endorsements in 2007. Combined with her golf earnings, that comes out to 19 Million and 37 dollars.

If 2008 is anything like 2007 for Michelle Wie's golf, her endorsements will be $19.

The new, more colorful $5 Bill debuts this week. The changes were made to thwart counterfeiters. The question is, who counterfeits $5 Bills?

Who counterfeits any U.S. currency these days? Our paper money is pretty much worth the paper that wraps up our bundles of money.

Nike says they are still having labor issues with China. Apparently the Chinese laborers are actually demanding money for their work.

Nike is still having labor problems in China. They aren't sure how they can stay in business selling $200 pairs of shoes if they are going to have to pay foreign laborers as much as 43 cents a day.

Chrysler will be closing down their factories for two weeks in July. It's called a preview of the future.

During the two weeks they will be shut down in July, at least they will be able to say they are more profitable than Ford.

Florida was the worst state for mortgage fraud in 2007. Now we know what all the election officials from 2000 do for their regular jobs.

Circuit City is trying to reinvent itself by changing its name to "The City". By looking at where everything in the store is made, it's pretty obvious the city is Beijing.

A Chicago public school is teaching its students about money by giving first graders $20,000 in play money to invest. To the rest of the world, the definition of play money is U.S. currency.

The kids aren't dumb. Invest in what you know. They all made money by buying stock in McDonald's.

The sad part is, the first graders are smarter than all the Wall Street bankers who bought up all the subprime debt.

A study says that inhaling diesel exhaust triggers a stress response in the brain.That explains all those California freeway shootings.

Could it be that the stress response is from all the traffic and crazy drivers that go along with the areas of diesel exhaust?

A study says that a diagnosis of dementia actually comes as a relief to elderly patients, explaining the symptoms they are developing. The elderly just wish the doctors would explain who all the strangers are at their dining room table every night.

The Mets are likely to host the Baseball All-Star game in 2013. They will make perfect hosts, since none of their players will be busy with the game itself.

John Daly was disqualified from Arnold Palmer's golf tournament after missing his tee time in the Pro-Am. Daly will miss tee times, but you can set your watch on him being at the 19th hole at 5:00.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you all have a Happy St. Paddy's Day...Remember to send the love...Or I'll be forced to take it to ye wit' me Shillelagh!




No comments: