Sunday, February 10, 2008

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...Valentine's Day is this week...When women become objects of affection again now that football season is over...

2007 was the second worst year ever for airline delays at 26% of all flights. It was the worst year since 1903 when the Wright Brothers got to the air field late when their bicycle chain broke.

26% of all flights were delayed last year. That doesn't even count the JetBlue flights that are still blocking the tarmac from 2006.

Hillary Clinton had to loan her presidential campaign $5 Million of her own money. Bill was good with that. Anything to keep her on the road until November works with him.

AOL could be broken up by Time Warner. The only question is what will become of their three remaining customers?

Stores in New York City are putting up signs saying "Euros Accepted". For shoppers who still use dollars, the stores are also carrying recycle bins.

President Bush and Congress are at all time popularity lows in a Reuters/Zogby Poll. Even Dennis Kucinich came out with better numbers.

A 34 year old Italian man who had sex with a 13 year old girl had his sentenced reduced because the court ruled there was "real love" between them. Apparently they were brought together with their passion for R.Kelly music.

A study says sadness encourages people to spend more money and be more extravagant. That means the Bush economic policies that have caused people to lose their homes and jobs may actually be exactly what gets the economy back on track.

Oprah Winfrey has opened an "Oprah" store in Chicago, where people can buy all things Oprah. There's a word for any men who walk into Oprah's store. Lost.

President Bush told a conservative audience that prosperity and peace are at stake in the November election. Meaning that's what the next president may actually be shooting for.

The Democratic Primary in Syracuse, NY ended with both Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama receiving 6,001 votes. The Supreme Court stepped in and awarded the victory to Mike Huckabee.

A study says that less time sleeping can increase a child's risk of becoming obese. Mostly from having all that extra time to eat.

Cher has signed a three year deal to perform in Las Vegas. Cher likes Las Vegas because her face and many of the casino fixtures are made from the same material.

A study says that forgiveness may be good for your health, and that holding grudges can raise blood pressure and cause illness. That's the one thing Bill Clinton is holding onto for hope for the future.

Scientists say cell phones may affect men's sperm cell quality. If that's the case, you know the vibration setting is way too high.

Marijuana smokers are at risk for gum disease, according to researchers. Mostly from eating all those Oreos after getting high.

Marijuana smokers are at greater risk for gum disease. Mostly because they keep forgetting when they made their dentist appointments.

A study says that smokers have trouble getting a good night's sleep. Apparently the burning mattresses keep waking them up from time to time.

The U.N. says that people in the world who have cell phones outnumber the people who don't. Why is it that when I go to the movie theater or a restaurant, I never get a seat near the half who don't have a cell phone?

The FDA is reviewing the safety of Botox. Unfortunately they haven't been able to get anyone to testify at hearings because the Botox patients can't move their mouths to speak.

The FDA is reviewing the safety of Botox. If it is proven to be a health hazard, they may have to quarantine Hollywood.

A Leprosy outbreak is causing concern in Arkansas. Fortunately they are getting the plague epidemic under control.

A Leprosy outbreak is hitting Arkansas. Apparently this is part of the Mike Huckabee Biblical health care program.

Imagine calling in sick to work with Leprosy. If your boss didn't believe the post Super Bowl flu story, this one really won't go over well.

You know you have a bad HMO when you go for treatment of Leprosy and they recommend banishment.

Neil Young says he realizes that music can't change the world. But it can make you filthy rich and get you some awesome women.

Neil Young says that music can no longer change the world. What's worse, his CD and concert ticket sales are being crushed by Hanna Montana.

Ron Paul says Republicans are acting "Too much like Democrats". Which means they are actually starting to lose elections.

A poll says most Americans feel the best way to fix the economy is to get out of Iraq. Instead we need to invade India to get all our old jobs back.

A House task force has ended its election probe on Florida voting machines in 2006. They are happy to report that things haven't gotten any worse than in 2000.

An analysis of a 40,000 year old tooth found in Greece shows that Neanderthal men were more mobile than previously believed. Even back then people would travel to find a good whitening clinic.

A court has ruled that the Nebraska electric chair is not legal. Although they did commend the state for trying to stay green while executing inmates.

The court ruled the electric chair is torture. So the state may take the Attorney General's advice and just drown the people on death row.

The court ruled the electric chair is torture. Apparently what they need is something more like an electric Barcalounger.

Donald Trump has told the U.N. he will do their building renovations faster and for less money. He lost them when he offered to set up a hair salon in the lobby.

One of the last two WWI veterans in the U.S. has died. Harry Landis was 108. The sad part is he was just about to finish the 2007 Veteran's Day Parade.

The tax rebates may come too late to stop a recession, but experts say it may prevent it from becoming more prolonged. More importantly, it may give the Bush Administration time to try to blame the economy on the next President.

A classified Pentagon assessment says the War in Iraq prevents the military from readiness for another conflict. Apparently it also prevents classified documents from staying classified.

A classified Pentagon report says the War in Iraq prevents the military from readiness from another conflict. It also shows the rest of the world we can't beat a crappy country like Iraq.

Former trainer Brian McNamee says he injected Roger Clemens and Clemens' wife Debbie with HGH. Debbie Clemens says she will swear on her 95 mph fastball she has no idea what he is talking about.

E Bay says it will buy back stolen items from the Civil War that were sold illegally on its site. However, everyone else is on their own for all the other stolen stuff that goes through eBay every day.

Mike Huckabee says he won't quit the presidential race. Mainly because if he does, he has nowhere to go but back to Arkansas.

Ron Paul says he will not run as a third party candidate. He says being a third party candidate will be the job of the Republican nominee.

Ron Paul says he will not run as a third party candidate. At this point we're probably talking more like fourth or fifth party.

Barack Obama says he wants Hillary Clinton to show her tax returns to prove where she got the $5 Million she loaned to her campaign. Apparently it's a donation from Bill to keep her out on the road.

Hillary got her $5 Million from Bill Clinton. He gives her whatever she wants. She still has that blue dress hanging in her closet.

A U.N. Board says marijuana vending machines in L.A. are illegal. However, the crack dealers on the street corners are still OK.

Vice President Cheney is taking a tougher stance than the administration against a Washington, D.C. gun ban. Apparently he feels there are still too many lawyers in the city limits.

Vice President Cheney is taking a stronger pro gun stance than the administration. The quesiton is, can you possibly have a stronger pro gun stance than the administration?

Guantanamo Bay is going through a makeover to ease conditions for angry detainees. Apparently they are going to use only flavored bottles of Aquafina for waterboarding.

Guantanamo Bay is undergoing a makeover. They are offering classes and movies. However, the detainees are claiming torture when they played a double feature of "Norbit" and "I Know Who Killed Me".

Car dealers across the country are preparing for a bad 2008. People are not buying cars because they can't afford three dollar a gallon gas to put in the tank, and their subprime mortgage foreclosure means they don't have a garage to put the car in.

Chrysler is going to cut the number of models they offer and the number of dealerships to sell them. They are making the reductions to coincide with the reductions they have already made in the number of Chrysler customers that are left.

Physical therapists are using Wii video systems as therapy for patients with broken bones, surgery and other injuries. Most of the patients received their injuries while fighting crowds trying to buy a Wii video game system.

Nearly half the men in the U.K. say they would swap sex for six months for a 50 inch plasma TV. In the U.S. we call that "football season".

Nearly half the men in the U.K. say they would swap six months of sex for a 50 inch plasma screen. The other half said they would do it if their only option was sex with British women.

Yahoo is going to reject a buyout bid of $42 Billion from Microsoft. Apparently the people at Yahoo feel they could do better putting it up for bid on eBay.

A video game company is developing a virtual eating competition. How fat and lazy have we gotten that we want to stuff ourselves with food but can't get off the couch or do any cooking?

A study says obese people are less likely to use seat belts in cars. That's because they already have a built-in airbag.

The World Health Organization says that tobacco could kill a billion people by 2100. The rest of the planet's population will be wiped out by McDonald's.

A New York City apartment owner is suing a neighbor for smoking and making the hallway smell like "a casino". The neighbor said they would quit smoking but instead do something to make it smell more like a subway.

A study says that fat people and smokers are actually cheaper to treat than to reform That's because they would live longer if they were healthy and require even more health care in the long run. Upon hearing this, HMOs started offering McDonald's room service in the cardiac care center.

Overweight people and smokers actually cost less to treat since they die sooner. The health insurance industry immediately named John Daly their man of the year.

British scientists say they created embryos from the DNA of two women and a man. I believe that is called an "In vitro a trois".

A device that can fit on a person's knee can produce electricity while walking or running. Apparently it will generate just enough electricity to power a defibrillator to use when they have a heart attack.

The air pollution in Beijing is so bad it is keeping Olympic athletes from training there. It's so bad, Olympic officials are considering using GPS transmitters to figure out who wins each race.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates says Europe is still angry over the U.S. invasion of Iraq. Europe? Has he read any polls to see how Americans feel about it?

Just for the record, the Iraqis don't seem to happy about it, either.

Head lice found on 10,000 year old mummies in Peru support the theory of immigration from Africa 100,000 years earlier. It also supports the theory they maybe should have taken a bath once in awhile.

Scientists are set to launch paper airplanes from the International Space Station. I hope this puts to rest any of that criticism that NASA has been getting for wasting taxpayers money.

Why don't the astronauts throw something good from the space station, like watermelons? It would be great to watch them explode when they land.

CIA Chief Mike McConnell says waterboarding is probably not legal. But then neither is toppling foreign governments and domestic spying, but what are you going to do?

The House has passed a measure to hold down college costs. The measure calls for a web site to compare the costs of different universities. Showing me the cost of a Porsche and a Ferrari doesn't mean I will ever be able to afford either one.

GM is going to start selling used cars on eBay. The way things are going, GM itself will be on eBay within a few months.

Miley Ray Cyrus, also known as "Hannah Montana" is on track to be a billionaire by the time she is 18. That means she will have enough money to finally get her dad, Billy Ray Cyrus a decent haircut.

Exxon has won a $12 Billion freeze of Venezuelan assets in a lawsuit. Or as Exxon calls $12 Billion, "Tuesday".

Oil industry experts were shocked. Venezuela has $12 Billion in assets?

Wal-Mart says the tight economy has shoppers using gift cards to buy groceries. This is bad news for our economy, which has become dependent on us buying cheap crap made in China.

Ford will offer computers with internet access on its F-150 Pickup Trucks. That way the drivers can see how much Ford stock is plummeting at any given time.

Wal-Mart says it is going to pay more money for products that last longer.The way things are going with the economy, they need goods that are capable of staying on the shelf for several years.

Wal-Mart says it is going to offer in-store medical clinics. The number one service will be checking kids to see if they have gotten lead poisoning from playing with any Wal-Mart toys.

The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is going on this week. The show is full of bitches and neutered males prancing around on a stage. Sort of like a Las Vegas Revue.

Paris Hilton's movie "The Hottie and the Nottie" is being released this week. That is not to be confused with Paris other movie, "The Hottie Gettin' Naughty".

A study says that genetics are a bigger factor in determining obesity than eating habits. Apparently, Americans somehow ended up with all the "fat genes".

A study says that bullying can cause depression and anxiety. Not to mention some very incredibly uncomfortable wedgies.

A study says one in three Illinois sex education teachers don't cover all the basics. However, anything they leave out is covered by the teachers that are having sex with their students.

Research says that the longer couples are together, the more irritating they become to each other. That's even more bad news for the Clintons.

Scientists say that a disabled spy satellite will hit the earth in the first week in March. How bad is our spy program that they can't get more specific than that?

A study says that cousins who marry tend to have more children and grandchildren. That can explain the population boom in the South.

The Postal Service says that First Class mail is down 7% since 2001. The information is just becoming available since all the mail from 2001 has finally been delivered.

A Dutch company has invented a robot that fuels cars automatically. It fills up your car, doesn't provide any other service and says nothing. I thought we already had that. Aren't those called "gas station attendants"?

Nevada sports books lost $2.6 Million on the Super Bowl. Apparently they gave odds that Tom Brady would dump Giselle Bundchen and impregnate another model before the end of the game.

The cost of the new Yankee Stadium is going to be around $1.3 Billion. Which is roughly the price of taking a family of four to see the Yankees play.

Bobby Knight has resigned as head coach of Texas Tech, with his son taking over the position. He has been practicing for the job for years. Bobby Knight still fondly remembers the first time his son threw his high chair across the kitchen.

The 2015 U.S. Open golf tournament will be played at a new course near Tacoma, Washington. That means the USGA has seven years to let the rough grow high enough to make it difficult for Tiger Woods.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Remember, it's Valentine's Day week, so no matter how much these jokes stink, you are still obligated to sent the love!

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