Sunday, February 03, 2008

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...Today is Super Sunday, Follwed by Super Tuesday. Inbetween is the usual Monday night NBC Crapapalooza...

Florida Indian tribes have gotten approval to put Las Vegas style slot machines in their casinos. Apparently they are just refurbishing some of the left over voting machines from the 2000 election.

A study involving 80 countries says middle age is the most depressing with a return to happiness in the golden years. That's because by that time the kids are finally ready to move out.

A recent storm dropped the temperature in Chicago from 50 degrees down to zero in just a few hours. It was so bad, people watching the Weather Channel thought they were tuned in to the Dow Jones Average.

The highest foreclosure rate in the nation is in Nevada. So much for the theory that in Las Vegas, the house always wins.

A process to reverse memory loss has resulted from an accidental discovery by scientists in Canada. Unfortunately, the scientists can't remember what they were researching in the first place.

Ryan Seacrest was picked for Victoria's Secret's "What is Sexy?" list for his smile. At first people saw Seacrest's name and thought it was the "What sex is it?" list.

Forbes says Madonna is the richest woman in the music business. Now that she has all that money, people are hoping she will use some of it for acting lessons.

For the first time in 75 years, there was no measurable snowfall in New York City in January. It was so warm, Donald Trump's hair declared an early start to spring.

Shell Oil posted the largest profit ever for a British company. With oil prices continuing to rise, they are becoming even more profitable than the Royal Family.

A study says all the blue eyed people in the world come from a single common ancestor. Apparently, Frank Sinatra really did get around.

Experts say that this may have been the most watched Super Bowl in history. That's not even including all the Patriots' spy cameras.

A study says that women with large breasts are more likely to develop diabetes. That's because the larger the breasts, the more likely they are to have lots of men buying them candy.

The U.N. says climate change could cost the world $20 Trillion in the next two decades. Most of that will be in production costs for even more Al Gore movies.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy and new wife Carla Bruni are suing Ryanair for using their images without permission. Sarkozy is suing for one Euro, and Bruni is asking for $740,000. The scary part of that is seeing just how much the dollar has devaluated.

The ratings for President Bush's last State of the Union address were his lowest ever. Apparently many Americans left their TV sets in their foreclosed homes.

The ratings for President Bush's State of the Union address were is lowest ever. With the Writers' strike still in effect, it's hard to find people who can write that kind of fiction.

Hillary Clinton bought an hour of time on the Hallmark Channel on Super Tuesday. She picked Hallmark because her campaign is currently between "Get Well" and "Condolences".

Bill Clinton was quoted as saying that the economy needs to slow down to fight global warming. Apparently that means President Bush has been an environmentalist all along.

The Berkeley City Council has voted to order the Marines to take their recruiting center out of the city. The Marines say they will be back as soon as oil is found there.

Hillary Clinton says she can control her husband. Apparently it's the other women who can't.

A Mexico City suburb has declared itself a "Sanctuary" for illegal immigrants who want to go to the U.S. North of the border sanctuary is called Los Angeles.

A poll says that nearly half of Americans would not vote for an atheist President. People feel that prayer may be the only option left for the war in Iraq and the economy.

A study says the Super Bowl could be a heart hazard for rabid fans who get too worked up during the game. That's why Raiders fans are so healthy this time of year.

A Clemson University study says "double dipping" chips into dip could add 10,000 bacteria to the remaining dip. Which means it is almost as unhealthy as the dip without the extra bacteria.

Britney Spears' father has been put in charge of her welfare. The way she is going, it's only a matter of time before she is on welfare.

Britney Spears' father has been put in charge of her welfare. Apparently the court felt he did such a great job raising her, who better to help her out now?

Exxon Mobil has posted the largest profit in U.S. history at $40.6 Billion. They broke the previous records, all set by Exxon Mobil.

Exxon Mobil will use a substantial part of the money to lobby congress for more tax cuts.

Mississippi is considering a bill that would make it illegal for state licensed restaurants to serv obese customers. In other words, it would close down all Mississippi restaurants.

Legal experts were confused. Mississippi has state licensed restaurants?

A New York City artist uses dead animals in his art work. City officials say that if he is going to do that, he needs to get a food vendor's license like everyone else.

2.7 million gallons of sewage leaked into the San Francisco Bay. Or as the people of Newark call it, "minty".

A Wisconsin study says that teenage criminals are more likely to end up behind bars again than older convicts. That can't be good news for Paris, Nicole and Lindsay.

Domestic partnerships for same sex couples are now available in Oregon. Apparently that will provide an economic boost for the state. Look for an influx of Pottery Barns and bed and breakfasts in the next few days.

New Mexico is proposing a tax on TV sets and video games in an effort to get children off the couch and outside. What about taxing couches?

A panel is recommending an $8 fee for vehicles entering heavy traffic areas of Manhattan. Driving around all day for $8 would actually be a lot cheaper than trying to park somewhere in New York.

A panel has recommended an $8 fee for vehicles entering heavy traffic areas of Manhattan. Which basically means south of Connecticut or east of New Jersey.

Drivers will have to pay $8 to drive in Manhattan. Which is about the same amount of gas you waste sitting in Manhattan traffic.

1,500 colleges across the country held a green "teach-in" to spread information about climate change. The students were very receptive to learning about the environment, as long as it wasn't too early, on a weekend, and they could bring their iPods.

American voters are getting older. 20% of the electorate is 65 or older. Or as John McCain calls it, "the youth vote".

Judging by the way things are going, the electorate is getting older but not necessarily any smarter.

20% of the electorate is 65 or older. They are also 100% of the people who vote.

Suspicious envelopes containing white powder were sent to the Church of Scientology in Los Angeles. The only envelopes the church gets that are more suspicious are the ones with membership applications.

Saturday was Groundhog's Day. For one day everyone switched from The Weather Channel over to Animal Planet for the forecast.

The groundhog saw his shadow, meaning six more weeks of winter. If he didn't see his shadow it meant either global warming is a reality, or Al Gore is completely blocking the sun.

The groundhog has what it takes to be a TV weathercaster. Lots of hair, big teeth and the need to be right only once a year.

We've spent billions of dollars on weather satellites and computers, and people are willing to trust the forecast of an ill-tempered rodent.

Wesley Snipes was acquitted of tax fraud against the IRS. Snipes hasn't filed a tax form since 1999 and the IRS can't get a conviction. If I send my taxes in with postage due, they're putting a lien on my house.

The IRS couldn't get a conviction on Snipes for tax fraud because even they haven't read the 20,000 page tax code.

The President of the Mormon Church, Gordon B. Hinckley was laid to rest after dying at age 97. It was the second funeral in the Mormon Church this week, following the services for Mitt Romney's presidential campaign.

First Lady Laura Bush gave the weekly national radio address in a break from tradition. Apparently President Bush doesn't really understand the radio address. He keeps using the time to give shout outs to his peeps and taking dedications for all the ladies.

Laura Bush used the weekly radio address to promote healthy living. In other words, don't count on any help from the government for health care in the next year.

President Bush has admitted to seeing "troubling signs" in the economy. Mostly the "Under Foreclosure" signs he is seeing on all the houses in Washington, D.C.

The Consumer Product Safety Commission wants all home furnishings to be made non-flammable. Apparently Americans are so lazy, we won't get off the couch to go outside even when the house is on fire.

Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer is the only member of the Supreme Court to attend all seven of President Bush's State of the Union speeches.The rest of them realize they don't need to show up ever since the Bush Administration put the Constitution on hold.

Iran's Foreign Minister says the U.S. should be honest with the rest of the world. President Bush says the last President who was honest was Abraham Lincoln, and look what happened to him.

A British bank is canceling 160,000 credit cards for people who are higher than acceptable risks. They immediately moved to the U.S. where they qualified for subprime mortgages.

Ford is recalling 220,000 vehicles after they were already repaired. They just couldn't believe the cars were still drivable after the first repair.

A British dance company has set Britney Spears' troubles to music and dance in a ballet called "Meltdown". The best part is at the end of the show when the cast is taken away by ambulance.

The hardest part was teaching the ballerina in the title role how to dance as poorly as Britney.

Scientists say that heavy sediment is causing New Orleans to continue to sink. Just when they thought that after Katrina and FEMA, what else could possibly happen?

NASA photos show that Mercury is shrinking in size. Apparently even though it is close to the sun, things must get a little cold out in space.

Scientists says that warmer Atlantic Ocean water makes for stronger hurricanes. That means it's a good thing all those glaciers up at the North Pole are melting and cooling down the oceans everywhere else.

Jimmy Carter is calling for healing between Baptists across the country. If he succeeds there, he may try to see if he can get the Democrats back together.

A report by a congressional commission says the U.S. is not ready for a WMD strike. That's not that bad, since we can't seem to find anyone who has any in the first place.

McDonald's is going to award high school diploma credits in Britain. Of course, having only a high school diploma these days pretty much means you are going to be working at McDonald's.

Godiva Chocolates is offering a night in a Manhattan hotel room made of chocolate for a contest winner. That gives new meaning to the "Master Sweet".

A German travel firm is offering a nude flight to a resort village. At least the passengers won't have to be bothered with removing their shoes for airport security.

Mexico says the U.S. economic problem means slower growth for their own economy. For one thing, they won't be selling so many athletic shoes for people trying to outrun border guards.

Mexico's economy depends on investment and trade with the U.S. Mexicans invest in a good pair of running shoes so they can trade their work for low wages.

Mexico says the U.S. economic slowdown may affect their economy as well. Especially now that U.S. workers would rather be paid in Pesos than Dollars.

President Bush said h was "Fired up" for the Super Bowl. He said his strategy to win would be to start the game with five players with no helmets or pads, then after falling way behind send in a few more and blame the loss on the fans for not cheering loudly enough.

The International Monetary Fund says that the U.S. will avoid a recession. Apparently they figure we have just jumped straight into the Depression.

The Police were named the highest paid musicians of 2007. Apparently its because the middle aged men who still listen to them haven't figured out how to download their music for free off the Internet yet.

Honda reported a 38% increase in profits in 2007. In a related story, Ford was just happy to have a 2007.

GM is going to introduce the Hummer Pickup next week. It can still fit 47 people in the cab, along with enough room in the bed to fit an oil derrick for when the tank runs empty.

GM's CFO says U.S. auto prices could rise next year. Apparently American made cars are more valuable since they are becoming increasingly rare.

The price of a Hershey candy bar is going up 13%. That's exactly how much the average American's waistline has expanded because of Hershey candy bars.

A report says the New England Patriots taped the St. Louis Rams before the 2002 Super Bowl. The Patriots do admit they once taped the Oakland Raiders, but only to send it in to America's Funniest Videos.

Jennifer Lopez' hospital gowns are reportedly designer made. That's understandable. Even someone with a normal backside has trouble keeping those gowns closed.

Paula Abdul is going to release a new single called "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow". That's not to be compared with her interviews, where she is so medicated she can't remember yesterday.

Katherine Heigl of "Gray's Anatomy" has been chosen the "Most Desirable Woman" of 2008. She won for her looks, talent and being one of the few actresses not currently in rehab.

Jimmy Page says he wants Led Zeppelin to go on a world tour. Not to say the band is getting old, but their last tour was postponed by the crash of the Hindenburg.

Mike Wallace is reportedly recovering after triple bypass surgery. The operation took four hours. The first three hours consisted of Wallace grilling the surgeon about his background, experience and education.

Wallace told the surgeon "I don't care what you do. Just make it so I outlive Andy Rooney."

A study says that kids with ADHD are more likely to become classroom bullies. Mostly because they forget their lunch money and need to take it from other kids.

A study says women around the world who are single, poorly educated and mentally ill are at risk for suicide. That's even more bad news for Britney Spears.

A Brazilian model is going to go for her 42nd plastic surgery procedure. The world's record is 47. Joan Rivers has had more, but she can't move her mouth enough to actually tell anyone how many surgeries she has had.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is defending destroying the spy tapes the New England Patriots made against the New York Jets. Goodell says he is merely practicing to eventually take over as head of the CIA.

Goodell says he didn't want the tapes leaked to the media, especially the parts where the whirlpool tub is used for waterboarding.

The NFL is planting trees and using clean energy to offset the impact of the Super Bowl on the environment. Apparently the biggest problem is all the dumped Gatorade that eventually works its way into the groundwater.

The NFL wants to hold a Super Bowl in Cleveland, so anything the fans end up doing will actually improve the area.

Tom Petty played at the Super Bowl during half time. The band dedicated their song "Free Falling" to the Oakland Raiders.

James Easter Heathman, who witnessed the crash of Knute Rockne's plane has died at 90. He said it was the most devastating crash in Notre Dame history until the 2007 football season.

Major League Baseball Umpires are upset that their neighbors are being asked if they belong to the KKK. How about asking if they get frequent deliveries from LensCrafters?

Darlington Raceway in South Carolina is going to sell tickets to a NASCAR race that includes all you can eat privileges. It's the best of both worlds. It's like having an Old Country Buffet overlooking the Interstate.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The Super Bowl starts pretty soon, and I couldn't care less. I don't like the Pats or the Giants. You can still send me the love, or at least some sympathy for being a Raiders fan!

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