Sunday, February 17, 2008

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...It's President's Day Weekend...We honor past politicians by putting everything on sale...just like our politicians...

A study says the U.S. population will reach 438 Million by 2050. They should just put one of those McDonald's signs with the counters at the border. Every time an illegal alien runs by it adds to the total served.

The number of Hispanics in the U.S. will triple by the year 2050. Of course, that means the number of Hispanics in Mexico will drop by two thirds.

The study says the older population in the U.S. will double by 2050, to 81 Million. That means that the number one show on TV will more than likely be reruns of "Matlock".

The study says Hispanics will triple, and older people will double in population. That pretty much means all the population growth will be in California, Arizona and Florida.

GM has posted the biggest yearly loss in auto industry history in 2007 at $38.7 Billion. Even Ford threw in the towel after seeing those numbers.

GM set a record for losses, but sold more cars than anyone else. Apparently this volume selling thing only works if you charge enough to cover your expenses.

GM set a record for auto losses at $38.7 Billion. Even congress is telling them they need to be more fiscally responsible.

GM set a record for auto losses at $38.7 Billion. Exxon Mobil set a record for profits at $40 Billion. Gas is so expensive that we can't afford anything to put it into.

A high school teacher in California says he taught for seventeen years without being able to read, write or spell. That's nothing. We have had someone with the same problem in the White House for the past seven years.

A California high school teacher says he taught for seventeen years while illiterate. Apparently he graduated from a California high school.

Russia and China have proposed a treaty to ban arms in space. Apparently they don't want our drunk astronauts getting near any weapons.

Hillary Clinton says Fox News has been more fair to her than MSNBC. But then again, she's been married to Bill Clinton for thirty years.

John Glenn has endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. It's just becoming annoying that he prefaces every statement with "3...2...1...Blastoff!"

The federal government has announced plans to help people delay foreclosure on their subprime loans. Delay foreclosure? What does that mean, they can keep the house until they are completely out of money?

The federal government is announcing a plan to delay foreclosure on homes. They are now trying to figure out how to keep China and Japan from foreclosing on the U.S.

A study says love is good for the heart. People tend to live longer when they are in a long term, loving relationship. Unfortunately, most Americans have fallen in love with McDonald's.

Paris Hilton's 18 year old brother Barron was arrested for DUI in Malibu. Apparently he wanted to spend the weekend in jail so he would have en excuse to not have to go see "The Hottie and the Nottie".

Henry Winkler testified at a lawsuit over the death of John Ritter. The judge was apparently getting angry at Winkler's answering every question with "Ayyyyy...".

The city of Berkeley says it is against the war in Iraq but supports the troops, in defense of its asking the Marines to not recruit in the city. Why are the Marines recruiting in Berkeley? Isn't that like Harvard recruiting high school students in Mississippi?

Berkeley has had a strained relationship with the military. Apparently it has something to do with the invasion and occupation in '68.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia says physical interrogation is permissible in certain situations. And he was just talking about inside the courtroom.

The Senate Ethics Committee says Larry Craig acted improperly in connection with his role in an airport restroom sex sting. The committee left out exactly what they consider proper behavior in airport restroom sex stings.

It was good to see the committee take a stance on the subject. Of course it was Craig's stance that got him in trouble in the first place.

A 46 year old Canadian man claims he is the illegitimate son of John F. Kennedy. Even when Kennedy was north of the border, he was thinking south of the border.

A 46 year old Canadian man claims to be the illegitimate son of John F. Kennedy. He's not sure if he can deal with a DNA test that could prove that Ted Kennedy is his uncle.

Detroit had the highest foreclosure rate in the nation in 2007. Nearly 5% of all homes were in some stage of foreclosure. Imagine living in Detroit, working for Ford, buying a house and being a Lions fan. Could life be any worse?

Defense Secretary Robert Gates slipped on ice and broke his shoulder. Fortunately it was his right shoulder so he won't have to do anything that could put him in danger, like having to raise his right arm to be sworn under oath.

Venezuela has stopped selling oil to Exxon Mobil. With less oil to sell, how will Exxon Mobil stay in business? I mean besides by just raising their prices again.

A study says cigarette smoking may increase the risk of colon polyps. Anyone with this problem is clearing putting the cigarette in the wrong place.

Disney is reviving the "Home of the Future" display at Disneyland. It's the one with "under foreclosure" sign out in front of it.

Air Bus says it will modify an A380 jumbo jet into a flying casino. Before that, the biggest gamble in aviation was stepping onto a Southwest Airlines flight.

After flying several hours on a flying casino, all Las Vegas will be able to offer weary travelers is hookers and cheap buffets.

Russian cosmonauts on the International Space Station have access to a gun, it was revealed. Apparently it is there to protect their vodka stash from American astronauts for when the beer is all gone.

Myspace says it may merge with Yahoo. Up until now, Myspace is where middle aged men tried to merge with 13 year old girls.

The President of Iran is reportedly going to visit Iraq. His first question will be "So, what is a U.S. invasion really like?"

The government spent $27,000 on benefits for each senior citizen in 2007. After deducting bureaucratic expenses, bribes, corruption and mismanagement, that meant each senior ended up with $32.16.

The U.S. trade deficit dropped in 2007 after five straight record setting years. That means even cheap Chinese crap is too expensive for Americans to buy anymore.

The U.S. trade deficit dropped in 2007 after five straight record setting years. We are now actually starting to import less. The only thing still coming into this country is illegal aliens.

The New York Times is going to cut 100 jobs from its newsroom. That's a seven percent work force reduction. The Times is trying to make a positive spin, claiming they will now have 7% fewer mistakes.

Now that Rudy Giuliani is no longer Mayor, there just isn't enough salacious gossip to write about.

The U.S. says it will shoot down a spy satellite that is due to fall out of orbit in March. Whatever happened to all the spy equipment in the movies that always had a self-destruct button on it?

The spy satellite is the most out of control and dangerous threat to emerge from the space program since Lisa Nowak.

Madonna's directorial debut "Filth and Wisdom" was panned by film critics. The only selling point for the film was that she was smart enough in not taking an acting role in the movie.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg says the U.S. is resembling a third world country. Bloomberg made the comments from his Billionaire's residence overlooking New Jersey.

Bloomberg says President Bush's economic stimulus plan of a tax rebate is like "giving a drink to an alcoholic". What's worse, the bar is only serving Lucky Lager.

Adventurer Steve Fossett has been declared dead by a court. His airplane has been missing for five months. The only way that would not be a reason for concern is if he was flying JetBlue.

Newark has gone 33 days without any killings. That's the first time the city has gone a month without a murder since 1963. Apparently the dollar is so worthless now that the mob is just going back to breaking legs for unpaid debts.

It's hard for the mob to find the people they are out to kill since they are all getting kicked out of their foreclosed homes.

General Wesley Clark says that John McCain is just as dangerous as President Bush. At least when McCain starts a nuclear war, he will be able to pronounce it correctly.

A study says living near an airport can raise people's blood pressure while they sleep. However, the TSA will gladly come over and taser anyone who has trouble falling asleep because of the noise.

A study says that giving birth to a boy can lead to post-natal depression and a reduced quality of life. Apparently they used Britney Spears as their test subject.

A study says that giving birth to boys can lead to depression and reduced quality of life. Although the opposite isn't always true. Look at the parents of Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears.

The Writers' Strike apparently made no difference to late night TV ratings. Apparently people tune in just to have the impression someone is watching them have sex.

Fortunately for Late Night TV, Americans have the attention span of a walnut and will just leave the TV set on no matter what they are saying.

President Bush has told African nations that paternalism is over, and that the U.S. wants to see results from the billions of dollars we send to them. Africa responded by saying thanks to Barbara and Jenna for wrecking it for everyone else.

The African nations responded to President Bush's demand for results from the billions of dollars we send to them each year by asking if it would be possible to send them Euros instead?

The African nations told the U.S. to go ahead and keep the money. The U.S. needs it more than they do anyway.

The subprime mortgage crisis has cost the global market an estimated $7.7 Trillion. Even congress had to wonder how anyone could waste that much money.

A church in Tampa, Florida is having a contest where they are asking all married parishioners to have sex every day for 30 days while all unmarried parishioners abstain. Whatever happened to Bingo night?

Former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan says there is no recession yet, but the country is right on the edge. That's the problem with people who have survived the Depression. They don't think things are bad as long as they have fifty cents in their pocket.

A study says that people impact every ocean around the world. Mostly due to the expanded itinerary of Carnival Cruise Lines.

New York Giant Antonio Pierce has been charged with neglecting a dog. Apparently the trouble started when he accidentally watched the wrong game films of Michael Vick.

The army has a new program which gives enlistees $40,000 to buy a home or start a business. Unfortunately the home or business has to be in Iraq.

Ripon College in Wisconsin is giving away bicycles to students who promise not to buy cars while they are in school. It's not to be environmentally friendly. They just want to make sure students have enough money on hand to pay their tuition bill.

Unfortunately, the only time students in Wisconsin can ride their bikes without any snow on the ground or dangerously low wind chills is during their summer break.

An Indiana family has seven siblings who have been married more than 50 years. There is a family in Arkansas that has also done that, except there they have been married to each other.

A study says people check out good looking people of the same sex as well as people of the opposite sex. They call it "attentional adhesion". That just sounded more scientific than "momentarily gay".

Supreme Court Justice Sam Alito says "The Sopranos" TV show portrayed negative stereotypes about Italian Americans. Someone needs to explain to Justice Alito that it was a TV show, and that it ended last year.

The Sopranos complained that Justices Alito and Scalia portrayed Italian Americans as right wing zealots who let judicial decisions be guided by their political ideology.

The Senate is planning to apologize to American Indians for mistreatment and abuse as part of a health care bill. The Senators don't seem to get it. The bill claims "White man spoke with forked tongue" and that the nation is "heap big sorry".

The Senate is planning to apologize to American Indians for past mistreatment and abuse. They say they have learned their lesson, and now only abuse and mistreat Muslims, Hispanics and Blacks.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il just celebrated his 66th birthday. He is trying to outlive Don King to get the title of longevity for worst haircut.

Donald Trump broke a 1672 Scottish law by failing to register his coat of arms. Forget the coat of arms, he needs to register his comb over.

Google says that a search shows that one in a thousand web sites are malicious. And that doesn't even include eBay.

Health experts are warning Americans that the flu vaccine only covers about 40% of this season's flu viruses. But that fits right in since health insurance only covers about 40% of Americans.

Obesity is becoming the nation's leading cause of cancer. Mostly because it's hard to detect lumps when your entire body is just one big lump.

Doctors say that 82 youths have died from a choking game where kids get a rush by cutting off air flow until they nearly pass out. It is the worst choking scare since the Patriots lost to the Giants in the Super Bowl.

As many as 300 Panamanians have reportedly died from medicine manufactured in China that has chemicals that are similar to anti-freeze and brake fluid. Their doctors told them to take two pills and call them in 10,000 miles.

People became suspicious of the medications when they were told to take their prescriptions to Pep Boys.

Health experts say there is a smoking crisis in India that could cause a million deaths by the year 2010. That's in addition to the millions that will be killed by bad air, polluted water, bad working conditions, chemical spills...

Research shows that it is easier than suspected to live to be 100 years old. There are a few things people can do, like avoid smoking, don't drink excessively, and don't live in Detroit, Los Angeles or New York.

Two gorillas at the Cleveland Zoo have been diagnosed with heart disease. That means no more bratwurst sandwiches while watching Browns games.

A study says that breathing dirty air may lower the IQ of children. That may explain why so many inner city children are Raiders fans.

The Justice Department says that waterboarding is no longer legal. However, thumbscrews and the cat o' nine tails are still being reviewed.

Thousands of bats are reportedly dying from a mysterious illness in New York. Authorities say they have never seen so many listless bats in New York outside of Shea Stadium.

Scientists say there is a 50-50 chance that Lake Mead will be dry by 2021. That could close the casinos, especially if the mob has no place left to dump bodies.

London is increasing its "gas guzzler" tax to nearly $50 a day to drive around the city. In the U.S. we call that fee "Exxon Mobil profits".

Gay Mormons would like to have a meeting with the new church leader. To save time, the church leader would more than likely meet with both of them at once.

Apparently gay Mormon men are wondering if they can have multiple husbands?

A Swedish pre-school has banned children from wearing patterned clothes because it gives one of the teachers migraine headaches. Are they sure it's the clothes? Have they checked to see if the teacher gets migraines from being around a couple of hundred screaming children all day?

Mexican President Calderon is seeking U.S. and California cooperation over migration. How much more cooperation does he want? What is he looking for, chauffeur service?

An English violinist fell on some stairs, smashing his $1 Million Guadagnini violin to pieces. Music experts were upset. They wondered why it couldn't have happened to Kenny G and his saxophone.

An 18 year old Utah woman won the title of best grocery bagger. She immediately got all kinds of proposals from guys who heard she was great in the sack.

Hillary Clinton is campaigning saying is of, from and for the middle class. President Bush was surprised by her claim, saying "I thought I got rid of the middle class."

Pope Benedict XVI is planning to meet with President Bush in April. President Bush doesn't quite understand who the Pontiff is. He keeps asking if that's the guy who gets to Pontificate?

President Bush is ready to meet with the Pope in April. President Bush originally wanted to meet in March around Easter. He figured the Pope could have Easter dinner since he probably had the day off like everyone else.

A Swiss company has created a car that can go underwater, called the sQuba. Apparently the government wants to buy several as official staff cars for FEMA.

Ford is proposing a buyout for 9,000 more hourly workers, hoping it will help company morale. What better way to improve morale for Ford employees than to let them stop working for Ford?

California home sales have dropped to the lowest level in twenty years. Now a "hot property" means a house that is being torched by its owner who can't afford their subprime loan.

A Houston woman has started an online toy rental business. This way the kids can still have all the fun with just a fraction of the lead.

Florida Panther Richard Zednik is recovering after having his throat slashed by a teammate's skate. In a related story, O.J. Simpson is considering a tryout in the NHL.

Monica Seles has officially retired five years after her last tennis match. Apparently she confused retirement age in tennis with that of Social Security.

A New Jersey woman is training in her home state for the Iditarod sled race in Alaska. She figures if the dogs survive one midnight run through Newark, a little arctic weather will be nothing.

A group of doctors is backing making medical marijuana legal. They actually came up with the idea five years ago, but kept forgetting where they put the paperwork.

A study says being a stepfather is tougher than being a stepmother. Just imagine what Britney Spears' next husband will be getting himself into.

A study says heart disease may be on the upswing, with young people already showing signs of clogged arteries. That means we're going to end up with Baby Boomers living into their 90s, with their grandchildren not making it past 40.

A study says heart patients rarely change their eating habits to be more healthy. Why should they be different than any other group of Americans?

A study at MIT says that beautiful people tend to marry other beautiful people. The study obviously wasn't performed on the MIT campus.

The study was done at Beverly Hills High School 90210.

All you had to do was look at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to figure that one out.

The exception to the rule: Donald Trump.

Researchers say that Mars may have been too salty to sustain life. However, it makes for a great Margarita.

Researchers say that Mars may have been too salty to sustain life. I guess that's why nothing can live in our oceans.

The U.S. government secretly assembled a high powered team of officials who planned the strategy to shoot down the wayward spy satellite. They originally came up with the plan on how to deal with JetBlue flights blocking the runway.

This is obviously the same team that came up with our strategy for the War in Iraq.

U.S. physicists have come up with a clock that will be accurate to less than a second over a period of 200 million years. The only problem is how to find a battery that lasts that long.

That technology would pretty much blow away just about any excuse for being late.

The Yogi Berra Museum has removed a jersey worn by Roger Clemens. Even Yogi Berra couldn't come up with a convoluted reason for why Clemens' jersey should be in his museum.

Beijing will close 153 gas stations during the Olympic Games this summer. Apparently they need the lead from the gas in order to make their official Olympic toy mascots.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope this gave you something to do this weekend. Football is over, baseball hasn't started, and basketball is on their all-star break. Some people actually had to resort to watching golf and NASCAR for their sporting fix. That just gives the rest of you some extra time to send the love!

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