Sunday, January 27, 2008

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...Next week is Super Sunday...The Raiders will be right in the middle of all the action. Thanks to high def tv...

A French trader cost his company $7 Billion in fraudulent investments. Apparently he made the mistake of investing in American companies.

A rogue French trader lost $7 Billion in a fraudulent scheme. Even Ford Motor Company was wondering how anyone could lose that much money.

A Tennessee company is suing radio host Don Imus for disparaging comments he made about them. The name of the company is Nappy Headed ‘Ho's Inc.

41 government workers in Washington, D.C. were fired or suspended for watching computer porn while at work. Apparently the ones who were only suspended were watching more tasteful pornography.

“60 Minutes” says Saddam Hussein faked having WMD to prevent an invasion from Iran. Well, he sure showed them.

Saddam Hussein was apparently surprised that the U.S. actually invaded Iraq. Apparently he had a really good poker face.

Pope Benedict XVI has slammed the media for being unethical and pandering to violence and vulgarity. Even he’s tired of the reality shows that are being aired during the writers’ strike.

Ford lost $2.7 Billion in the fourth quarter of 2007. Company executives were surprised. They had no idea they still had that much money left to lose.

The California Supreme Court says companies can fire employees who use medical marijuana. Apparently companies feel the constant giggling is a distraction to the other workers.

Dennis Kucinich has pulled out of the race for President. He still hasn’t decided who to tell his supporter to vote for.

The Kucinich campaign had problems with his platform. Apparently it needed to be a little higher so when he stood on it people could see him.

A study says the Bush Administration made 935 false statements about the threat from Iraq that led to the war. Apparently the group doing the study has already lost count of the lies that came out since then.

The study was done by two journalistic organizations. Obviously one of them wasn’t Fox News.

Fox News was shocked. They only counted 934 lies that they passed along to the public.

The study was conducted by reviewing President Bush’s speeches. It was determined that the President was lying if his lips were determined to be moving.

The news media and Congress were shocked to read the study. They both demanded to know who is supposed to be checking to see if the President is telling the truth?

A town in Kentucky is starting to charge for public services. Out of town residents who get in accidents have to pay a $14 an hour fee for police work. That means a person from another state can actually get rear ended twice from the same wreck.

A study in England says that work related stress can kill people. Apparently that is part of the new Republican health care plan: Push unemployment even higher so that fewer people will have job related stress.

A study says that eating red meat and drinking soda can raise the risk of diabetes and heart disease. In fact, it is almost as unhealthy as drinking the water and breathing the air.

A study says that people who have undergone tonsillectomies lead a substantially improved quality of life. . Mostly because it shows they are doing well enough to afford to pay for it.

Tests have shown that tuna sushi in U.S. restaurants has mercury that is at hazardous levels. It has so much mercury that you don’t even need a thermometer to check its temperature.

Tuna sushi in U.S. restaurants reportedly has high levels of mercury. The dangerous metal level is so high that it may be reclassified as a Chinese toy.

Mercury levels in tuna sushi are so high that it could be as dangerous to your health as pretty much any other food served in restaurants.

A professional group of psychologists is urging their colleagues to stop analyzing Britney Spears’ behavior for TV and magazines. What was disturbing was that the psychologists made a video where they started screaming and crying to “Leave Britney alone!”

A NASA survey says that astronauts say they did not actually drink before flying into space. Apparently they all waited until just after liftoff.

Not to say the astronauts were drinking a lot on their space flights, but NASA just about covered the flight of a recent Space Shuttle with proceeds from the drink cart.

A study says that men tend to overestimate their own intelligence while women tend to underestimate theirs. This is proven time and again every time a couple gets married.

A study says that men tend to overestimate their own intelligence. But not as much as the Bush Administration overestimated intelligence about Iraq.

Babe Ruth’s nephew has been convicted of defrauding the IRS out of $360,000. George Herman Ruth of Indiana will be spending some time in the Big House that taxpayers built.

Unlike his famous uncle, Ruth wasn’t able to draw a walk.

A nude butt shot on “NYPD Blue” in 2003 may cost ABC $1.4 Million. It could be the highest priced ass on TV since Bill O’Reilly.

ABC was lucky. The FCC almost shut them down completely when the same program showed Dennis Franz’ butt.

ABC says they warned viewers about the show content by including “Blue” right in the title.

House Minority Leader John Boener is challenging Republicans to sacrifice next year to get legislation passed. Of course, most Republican congressmen are worried that the thing they are most likely to sacrifice is their job.

The median price of a home fell in 2007, the first drop since 1968. That’s good news for people who are looking for a cheaper home to buy after having their current home foreclosed.

House prices dropped for the first time since 1968. That means someone paying off a 40 year loan is owning the house just in time to see the price drop.

Medical marijuana vending machines will soon be set up in Los Angeles. They'll be easy to spot.The are the ones that are surrounded by vending machines for Twinkies, Pop-Tarts and Doritos.

Some of the more advanced machines are even giving buyers a choice: Already rolled, bong hits or brownies.

U.S. scientists say they are close to creating artificial life. I thought they already did that. How else did we get Cher?

Fox says they will not carry political ads during the Super Bowl telecast. The network says political ads should stay where they belong. Disguised as news stories on the Fox News Channel.

Fox says the Super Bowl is no place for sleazy political ads. It should be reserved for ads that sell beer and SUVs with naked women.

Politicians don't want to run ads during the Super Bowl anyway. The fans are all too drunk to remember anything other than commercials with talking frogs and the Lingerie Bowl.

The Monte Carlo Hotel in Las Vegas was damaged by a fire. No serious injuries were reported. However, several players at the poker table were treated after staying too long thinking the dealer was bluffing.

A freighter carrying orange juice ran into another ship in Newark Bay. It was considered a tragic navel disaster.

Residents near Newark Bay wondered what the awful smell was. It was completely unlike the usual fragrance of oil, rotting fish and dead bodies they are used to.

A lawyer for the pilot in a Kentucky plane crash tried to say the passengers are partly to blame for flying out of an airport they knew was dangerous. Not only that, but some were even going to try the in-flight meal service.

A Georgia school district is paying students $8 an hour to stay in school after hours. Apparently their teachers just can't make time to have sex with them during regular school hours.

A Georgia school district is paying students $8 an hour to stay after school and study. Didn't that used to be called "doing homework"?

What incentives do those kids have to graduate? With a high school education today, you would be lucky to find a job paying that much.

Sylvester Stallone is defending using Human Growth Hormone to bulk up for his new "Rambo" movie. The only problem is his fingers got so large he was unable to use a keyboard to actually write a script for the film.

The Senate is considering rebates for retirees as part of the economic stimulus plan. Congressmen realize they may be forced into that group sooner than they think.

Economists say the success of the economic stimulus plan depends on whether consumers spend the $150 Billion package. They should know that if Americans are given $150 Billion, they will spend $300 Billion.

Milwaukee is going to erect a bronze statue of TV icon "The Fonz". It will be located in the park where Henry Winkler currently washes windshields for spare change.

California farmers want to sell excess water they are allotted because they can sell it for more than the crops they could grow with it. You know we are in a drought situation when Americans would rather have water than food.

Barbara Bush says it hurts more to hear criticism about her son than about her husband. Especially when it is her husband who is constantly criticizing her son.

Barbara Bush says it hurts to hear criticism about her son. It must hurt to have anything going 24 hours a day, every day.

Barbara Bush says it hurts more to hear criticism about her son than her husband. That's because she realizes she is at least half responsible for her son.

Barbara Bush's husband doesn't mind criticism about his son. At least the first President Bush knows he won't go into the books as the worst president ever.

Proposed UN sanctions against Iran include travel bans. How much of a threat is that? How much money does Iraq make from the travel industry? About 37 dollars a year?

The government says rebates could be in the hands of taxpayers by May. That will come just in time so people who have had their homes foreclosed can use the money to buy a tent to live in.

Russell Crowe has been named an ambassador for Sydney, Australia. Which means they should be at war within the next 30 days.

Russel Crowe as an ambassador? What next, Michael Vick as head of the Humane Society?

A study of war veterans says that the ones who are more fit are likely to live longer. Having a higher rank that keeps you out of combat doesn't hurt, either.

A study is looking at why poor kids tend to be more overweight than other children. Apparently it has to do with them not being able to afford a Wii video game systems that actually get kids off the couch once in awhile.

The UN is calling for the world to put the looming water shortage crisis at the top of the global agenda. The water crisis is getting so bad that President Bush may decide against invading Iran since all they have is oil.

A Utah scientist says increased dust in the air is causing shorter winters. So to stop global warming, instead of changing over to electric cars we need to just wash them more often.

Federal agents raided Southern California museums looking for southeast Asian antiquities that were obtained illegally. Not only did they find the contraband, they were the museums' first visitors in three years.

A spy satellite that lost power may crash to earth in late February. people with subprime mortgages are hoping it will land on their house so they can walk away with an insurance payout.

The government isn't worried about the spy satellite crashing because they are covered. They have already applied for a FISA warrant.

The percentage of army recruits with high school diplomas has dropped. The government knows that only people who can't read would sign an enlistment contract at this point.

A study says that lonely people are more likely to believe in God. That explains those Catholic priests getting into all that trouble with the altar boys.

Lithuania may change its name to help boost its image. Just some quick advice. Don't change it to anything that ends with "istan".

Lithuania wants to change its name to help boost its image. Apparently they are jealous of all the attention that goes to their neighbors Latvia and Estonia.

In 2009, the name "Lithuania" will have been around a thousand years. If it hasn't helped yet, this might be a good time to look at a change.

There are some other countries that should look at changing their names for public relations purposes. Like, every country in the Middle East.

Iraq is seeking a sharp reduction in the role of the U.S. military. I think their exact words were "Thanks, you've done enough for us already. Really."

U.S. officials say that there is a split in the Bin Laden family after Osama's divorce from his first wife. Now there's one case where the kids are rooting against joint custody.

A liberal group is planning a year long campaign to ensure President Bush's ratings stay low. President Bush has been running the campaign pretty successfully by himself to this point.

Paul Wolfowitz has been named to head an advisory panel for arms control and disarmament. He helped get us into Iraq and was fired as Head of the World Bank. Apparently there is no "Three Strikes" policy in this administration.

The writers' strike in Hollywood has cost the industry an estimated $1.5 Billion. That's mostly in gifts and bonuses the studio executives have had to give up for now.

Pepsi will run a silent commercial during the Super Bowl. The ad will result in millions of drunk viewers desperately grabbing for the remote to find out what happened to the sound.

E Bay CEO Meg Whitman is leaving the company. She will be remembered for turning the world into a garage sale.

Apple CEO Steve Job's salary for 2008 will be $1. You would think a man with his knowledge, clout and power could negotiate something in the low double digits.

Ford is offering a buyout to all of its hourly workers. The company's goal is to replace highly paid workers with cheap labor. Now I'm beginning to understand all the illegal aliens moving to Detroit.

Ford says 2008 looks grim for the company. Auto industry analysts accused management of being overly optimistic.

Ford says 2008 looks grim mainly because they can't even see a 2009.

Ford will debut the 2009 Escape at the D.C. Auto Show. Auto industry analysts call anything with "Ford" and "2009" wishful thinking.

GM beat Toyota for first place in worldwide auto sales for 2007 by just 3,000 vehicles. That means if GM merges with Ford they would win the title by 4,000 vehicles.

Stick radio antennas are disappearing, with only 50% of new cars being made with them. Auto experts are confused. People still listen to radio?

Starbucks is testing a $1 cup of coffee with free refills. That could help the economy. Regular customers will have several thousands of dollars left over they can now spend on something besides coffee.

Wal-Mart says that more than half their employees have health insurance. Mainly the half of their employees who have spouses with jobs that offer insurance.

Scotland wants the U.S. to lift its ban on Haggis, a dish made from sheep stomachs. Do we really need to ban Haggis? That's one food even Americans would have trouble eating.

A statue of race horse Barbaro is being considered for a site near Central Park. A controversy has erupted over whether the statue will portray Derby Champ Barbaro, or overweight and crippled stud farm Barbaro?

Lindsay Lohan says she is planning to write her memoirs. It will be published as a trilogy along with the memoirs of Kevin Costner and Robert Downey, Jr.

Lohan's book is going to be titled "I Know Who Killed My Career (It Was Me)".

An implanted device has been invented that will send an electric impulse to influence nerves linked to hunger pangs. The device will be used to help people lose weight by making the feelings of hunger disappear. Or they could just send a jolt through the person when they reach for a Big Mac.

New York City wants to list calories on menus at restaurants. If nothing else, it will make the prices look small by comparison.

Sierra Leone has the lowest chance of newborn babies surviving until they are five years old. mostly because all their healthy babies are being adopted by Angelina Jolie and Madonna.

A study says teens who drink heavily may have higher risks of developing heart disease and diabetes. As well as parenthood.

A group is seeking a Botox warning following the deaths of sixteen people who underwent Botox treatments. Apparently the people were in distress but nobody could tell because their expression never changed.

A wine carrying ship which sank 2,300 years ago was discovered off the coast of Cyprus. In those days, environmental disasters ended up with a bunch of drunk sea birds.

Researchers say that ancient Mayans sacrificed boys and not virgin girls. Archaeologists determined that what were they, stupid?

Canada is looking into issuing high tech drivers' licenses. In Canada, that means they will now have pictures.

The Japanese Government is backing a plan to help people understand mobile phones. How complex are these phones getting so that the Japanese can't understand them?

The plan calls for help for the few people who want to actually use an iPhone to make phone calls.

Bill Clinton says he supports the Giants in the Super Bowl. Apparently their cheerleaders are a little bit more hefty.

Hall of Fame baseball announcer Ernie Harwell celebrated his 90th birthday with pizza, ice cream and cake. Why hold back now?

Bolivia could get a baseball team as part of an international league. The stadium may be built at more than 11,000 feet elevation. They can't miss. At that height pop ups would end up as home runs and the visiting team wouldn't be able to make it to first before needing oxygen.

The New York Yankees had a record payroll in 2007 at $218 Million. Which equals Alex Rodriguez' pay and another $2 Million spread around for the others.

Tampa Bay's team salary was $31 Million. Too bad they couldn't scrape up a few dollars for batting and pitching lessons.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! This blog is done as a public service. Kind of like an STD commercial. And it's not even court ordered. All you need to do to keep it going is remember to send the love!

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