Sunday, December 30, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...Tuesday is New Year's Day...My resolution for 2008...To try to actually fill this space with some funny jokes...

Madonna will make her film directorial debut in Berlin in February. Critics say she is already showing signs of good sense and taste by not casting herself in the film as an actor.

Despite economic problems across the country, Las Vegas is still seeing gambling revenues go up. Apparently people have all that mortgage money to burn now that their houses are in foreclosure.

Energy analysts say that gasoline will be up to $3.75 a gallon by spring. Coincidentally, the price of a new SUV will also be $3.75 by spring.

A poll shows that 50% of voters don't know much about Presidential Candidate Mike Huckabee. Of course, that is the main reason why he is also leading in the polls.

In this day and age, you can't buy a lack of publicity like that.

A study says that neurotic people are more likely to have cardiovascular disease. Most people become neurotic worrying about their health care plan in the first place.

A study says that extroverted people are less likely to have respiratory disease. Of course, they are much more likely to pick up an STD.

"The Nation" magazine has endorsed Dennis Kucinich for President. Even Kucinich canceled his subscription with that one.

A poll says President Bush and Hillary Clinton are the most admired man and woman. Apparently people admire President Bush for having the courage to still show his face in public, and Hillary for even thinking she has a chance at winning a national election.

A new book says Alexander Graham Bell stole the idea for the telephone. Apparently he got the idea when someone left him a message on his answering machine.

The theft of the idea of the phone led to an even greater theft. The phone bill.

The Census Bureau says the U.S. will reach 303 million on January 1st. There will be a welcoming committee with prizes awaiting the landmark American as soon as they come across the border.

The Census Bureau says that the U.S. increases by one immigrant every thirty seconds. That's enough to fill a Home Depot parking lot in just three hours.

Music sales over Christmas were down 21% from 2006. Mostly because pop stars like Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are spending 21% of their time either in court or rehab.

A rare "Inverted Jenny" stamp was recently sold for $825,000. "Inverted Jenny" was also the Secret Service code name for Gennifer Flowers During the Clinton years.

The stamp was issued in 1918. The stamp came up for sale after the letter it was on was finally delivered.

The stamp was not bought by a collector. It was purchased by someone who thought it was worth the money to not have to wait in line forever at the Post Office.

The University of Pennsylvania says the holiday suicide increase is a myth. Researchers say most suicides occur in the spring. Mostly when Cubs fans realize its baseball season again.

Ralph J. Roberts, the 87 year old founder of Comcast will continue to be paid five years after his death according to has latest contract. Paying someone after death is not new in broadcasting. Larry King has been doing it for years.

When Roberts does pass away, his funeral will be scheduled between 8 and 5 on the following Tuesday, Thursday or Friday.

Research shows that menopause hot flashes are worse for overweight women. The way to tell if are really overweight is if the hot flashes keep getting worse, and you are a man.

Minneapolis has replaced Seattle as the most literate city. The least literate city is wherever President Bush happens to be.

The title of "Most Literate City" goes to the town where people actually know the definition of "literate".

Stockton, California finished last on the list of most literate cities. The people were proud, saying "Who wants to be literate? We have hardly any trash lying around."

A 7-11 store clerk in Pennsylvania violated store policy by bringing a gun to work and shooting a would be robber. Residents were shocked. 7-11 has a store policy?

Beijing residents are being warned to stay indoors as pollution is "as bad as it can get". To which Los Angeles residents say they just aren't trying hard enough.

The pollution warnings in China came from the country's Environmental Protection Bureau. Apparently that group is made up of people not qualified to make the Major League Baseball drug enforcement program.

The pollution in China is so bad that officials are telling children to stay inside and play with their lead painted toys.

Chicago and New York City are both finishing up 2007 with the lowest murder rate in 40 years. Apparently global warming has made it less necessary for people to kill to get money to pay their heating bills.

Brattleboro, Vermont is seeking to make President Bush and Vice-President Cheney subject to arrest and indictment if they ever visit the town. President Bush says he's not worried. He says he has no plans to visit Europe anytime soon anyway.

More Baby Boomers are heading to the Rocky Mountain states of Wyoming and Montana for retirement. With everyone in foreclosure, it's much easier to move to those areas and just pitch a tent.

Michigan's Attorney General says only legal residents are eligible to get drivers' licenses. In other words, forget ever trying to get cab service in Detroit.

Six Christian TV ministries are under the scrutiny of the U.S. Senate for their preaching of the "Gospel of Wealth" that claims that God will reward the faithful. That was pretty much disproved by President Bush who brought Christianity to government and put us deeper in debt than ever.

The NRA is suing New Orleans for confiscating firearms from citizens after Hurricane Katrina. They claim it left people at the mercy of roving gangs, home invaders and other criminals. But enough about FEMA.

The Idaho State Police Academy graduating class adopted a slogan urging graduates to "Cause Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". The State Police is telling people if they want to cause PTSD they should join the IRS like everyone else.

A town in New York is allowing senior citizens to do work to pay off their property taxes. Anyone who has lived in New York know that most people in the state are working just to pay their property taxes.

President Bush as acknowledged concern about the economy, saying he knows people are struggling to pay their bills. He then laughed and signed the $555 Billion Budget Bill.

Auto industry analysts say 2007 will wind up as the worst year for automakers in a decade. With $3 a gallon gas, it doesn't look all that good for the people driving those autos, either.

Sean Penn and Robin Wright have filed for divorce. Wright says that after eleven years of being married to Sean Penn, the only thing left for her was sainthood.

A Trekkie fan who paid $6,000 for a poker visor from "Star Trek: The Next Generation" says it was a fake. He is suing, claiming he was humiliated. Mainly for being exposed as a Trekkie fan.

If the Trekkie fan wins his lawsuit against Christie's auction house, he says he will use the money to buy some new furniture for his parents' basement.

A New York business group set up a shredder in Times Square and invited people to shred their "regrets". Most the people showing up were Ford owners with their purchase agreements.

The line was jammed with Knicks and Mets fans shredding their season tickets.

The line was full of people with their ticket stubs to "Evan Almighty".

The town of Reeves, Louisiana has dropped its phone prefix of "666" in favor of the less Satanic "749". Apparently the townspeople kept getting annoyed with constant wrong numbers of people trying to Reach Vice President Cheney.

Wesley Snipes' tax evasion trial will not be moved out of Florida as he requested. He is worried that as a movie star, anything outside the jurisdiction of Los Angeles could wind up with a guilty verdict.

Wesley Snipes' tax evasion trial will stay in Florida. Tax experts are confused. How is it that a multi-million dollar movie star actually has to pay taxes?

Louisiana has increased its population by 50,000 since Hurricane Katrina. The state still suffers from a failing infrastructure, poor health care and a "horrific" criminal justice system. In other words, things are almost back to normal.

Members of Congress spent more than $20 Million on mailings in 2007. Mostly to tell constituents how they are going to rein in excessive government spending.

Mexico is planning on tracking movements of Central Americans crossing their southern border for work or visiting. Apparently the Mexicans are getting tired of all those undocumented immigrants just coming and going whenever they want.

AOL is planning on pulling the plug on its Netscape Internet Browser. Apparently it has just become too old, outdated and obsolete. Netscape has some problems as well.

Research shows that online dating can be just as disappointing as real-life dating. Especially since most the people using online dating are trying it because they could never get a real-life date.

Most on line daters consider their "date" looking at pictures of Jessica Alba.

A survey shows that half of all U.S. households own a digital TV. The other half are in foreclosure.

Americans are more wired than ever. 36% of people use their cell phone as an entertainment device. Mostly when it is set on "vibrate".

A 6 year old girl who won tickets to a "Hannah Montana" concert with an essay was discovered to have faked the essay. She lost the tickets and her lie cost her the chance to see Hannah Montana lip sync all her hits.

The girl lost her tickets to the concert but was instead given a scholarship to law school.

David Faustino, "Bud Bundy" from "Married With Children" is getting divorced. This is the first work for his publicity agent since they got to write a release about "Married With Children" being canceled.

Shock Rock singer Marilyn Manson and his wife have gotten a divorce. Apparently their pasty skin tones were hurting each others' eyes.

A survey says that Americans with obese children don't see them that way. Mostly because there's is always a kid on the block who is even fatter.

Americans don't see their children as being fat. If the kid is smaller than the parent's waistline, they can't see them at all.

2007 will go down as one of the hottest years ever. U.S. weather stations broke or tied 263 all time records. It was so hot, people were doing anything to get into air-conditioned theaters, even watching Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth".

It was so hot in 2007, people actually started watching NHL games on TV, just to see some ice.

Phil Jackson has tied Red Auerbach with 938 regular season wins. He says he would like to stick around long enough to watch Kobe Bryant actually pass the ball once.

A Luby's waitress in Texas was left $50,000 by a regular customer in his will. Apparently that came out to exactly 15% of his estate.

President Bush is reportedly becoming more open to the global warming issue. He figures if it could make Al Gore into a Hollywood star and Nobel Laureate, it may even be able to help him with his image.

Security experts are warning about possible terrorist attacks at college stadiums. As it is, security has its hands full just in dealing with fraternity members.

Security experts say all a terrorist organization would have to do to cause pandemonium at a college football game is shut off the power to the beer taps for a few minutes.

Security experts say that terrorists have already made their presence felt at NFL games. They are called Raiders fans.

Former FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover reportedly had a plan in the 1950s to arrest 12,000 Americans for being disloyal to the country. President Bush had a similar plan but apparently there just wasn't enough jail space for all the Democrats.

Former FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover was going to arrest 12,000 disloyal Americans and suspend Habeas Corpus. Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales says there is a word for someone who would do something that extreme: "Visionary".

More people are opting for eco-friendly funerals. Although sometimes it costs more than one fare to drag the coffin onto a city bus for the procession.

Eco-friendly funerals are becoming more popular. The trick is finding an opening in Al Gore's schedule so he can give the eulogy.

The Fantastic Four are going to go bilingual in the latest edition of their comic book. The group is popular in Mexico, especially The Invisible Woman, who can sneak past border guards at any time.

A North Dakota farmer is calling for a normal winter based on the size of pig spleens. Coincidentally, the noise a pig spleen makes when it falls on the floor sounds like "Doppler".

His long range forecast calls for mostly cloudy skies with heavy snow squalls, mixed in with occasional ham hocks.

The farmer tried to get federal funding for his project, but the government says they are trying to cut back on pork.

Iraqi hairdressers are being forced underground by extremists who see beauty treatments as westernized corruption. That's nothing. If they want to see real westernized corruption, all they have to do is check out the local Halliburton outposts.

A Norwegian cruise ship hit a glacier in the Antarctic and suffered minor damage. The ship's captain immediately put the blame on Al Gore. The captain says he thought all the polar ice had already melted.

A Brazil art museum from where a $50 Million Picasso painting was stolen had no insurance. Taking a $50 Million dollar loss gives a new meaning to "Brazilian Wax".

Queen Elizabeth's Christmas message urged thoughts for those who are less well off. Those who are less well off means anyone who isn't in the Royal Family.

Queen Elizabeth's Christmas message was premiered on YouTube. She ended the message by yelling at everyone to "Leave Britney Alone!"

Israeli scientists have managed to inscribe the entire Bible on the head of a pin. Up until now, the process of writing on pinheads was known as "tattoos".

The Senate met for nine seconds on the day after Christmas in order to prevent President Bush from making any recess appointments. Keeping the sessions down to ten seconds or less may be the answer to controlling congressional spending.

Pocketbook issues like the economy and mortgage crisis have surpassed the war in Iraq as voter issues for 2008. President Bush has been wanting to take peoples' minds off the war and destroying the economy is apparently the way to do it.

New home sales are at the lowest level in twelve years. The good news is that the dollar is devaluating so much that all the undocumented immigrants finally have the money to help buy up some of the foreclosure homes.

A survey shows that beer is closing in on cocktails as the drink of choice. The change is attributed to the downturn in the economy and that people like to drink at home more. Those who have lost their homes to foreclosure still like the traditional wine bottle in the paper bag.

The Miami Herald newspaper is outsourcing some of its copyediting to India. Not only that, but if you look closely, the byline under Dave Barry's old column is now "Devak Bharat".

"Hello Kitty" is being marketed to fashionable young men in Japan. It is also being marketed to suicidal young men in the U.S.

The State Department has listed the top ten threats to U.S. business. The number one threat is U.S. businesses that are now Indian and Chinese businesses.

The U.N. is joining forces with Spider-Man in a special comic book put out by Marvel Comics. Apparently they feel he can be utilized to look for any fleeing dictators hiding down spider holes.

China is striving to expand their middle class with their fast growing economy. The U.S. is expanding its middle class, also. Mostly right down into the lower class.

Ford is creating a high tech insert for crash test dummies that is similar in size and shape to a 6 year old's abdomen. Apparently they had to modernize it by making it three times as large as it was a few years ago.

44 year old quarterback Vinnie Testaverde of the Carolina Panthers is retiring. He won the Heisman Trophy at Miami in 1986. He's about ready to head back to Miami, this time with the Gray Panthers.

A minor league hockey player was arrested on an American Airlines flight in Dallas for slapping a flight attendant, head butting a passenger and exposing himself. Even the drunk airline pilots had to tell him he was out of line.

Evonne Goolagong was finally awarded the number one ranking over a two week stretch more than thirty years ago because of a computer glitch. Apparently the computer used in 1976 was a Commodore 64 which just caught the error last week.

Angelina Jolie was named the top celebrity humanitarian by the U.N. for 2007. Madonna was ranked the least respected celebrity, although the U.N. did thank her for not taking on any film roles this year.

Experts have updated the food pyramid for seniors. The idea is that if you look like you should be buried inside a pyramid, it's time to change your diet.

Researchers say the southwestern pueblo Indians brewed their own beer out of corn. Even back then, Coors beer was just too watery for their taste.

Scientists have developed a nasal spray that reportedly helps people overcome sleepiness. Don't we already have that? I believe it's called cocaine.

Representative Christopher Shays says little will be gained by having baseball players testify at congressional hearings on steroids. For one thing, the players are so juiced that they can't even raise their arms to be sworn in.

Maria Sharapova says women's tennis is clean, there is no match fixing or betting. How would she know? Women's tennis is a sport where the most popular and richest player for years, Anna Kournikova never came close to winning a tournament.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Hope you all have a Happy New Year...Don't forget the Auld Lang Syne...Which is Scottish for "Send the love!"

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