Sunday, December 23, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...It's almost Christmas...This year Santa is using a Jet Ski as global warming has melted all the polar ice...

Britney Spears' 16 year old sister Jamie Lynn Spears has announced she is pregnant. Who ever thought that Britney would be regarded as the one with common sense?

Britney is already busy shopping for the baby. She was seen at a 7-11 buying a six pack and a carton of cigarettes.

Jamie Lynn is already driving around town with a doll on her lap, just for practice.

Jamie Lynn Spears is the star of a Nickelodeon show "Zoey 101", about kids in a boarding school. Apparently Zoey skipped school on the episode about sex education.

One of the hot Christmas items is medical gift cards. That is the perfect gift for any obese, out of shape friends and loved ones who have pending health problems.

The only problem with medical gift cards is that they start out with the minimum $50,000 appendectomy and go up from there.

Martin Scorsese is making a movie about the Rolling Stones which will come out in April called "Shine A Light". He is thinking about a sequel about Keith Richards called "Got A Light?"

To use film from the Stones' early days, Scorsese had to get permission form their first photographer. Matthew Brady.

Bill Parcells has signed a contract to manage the Miami Dolphins. There could be a lot of changes in the organization. That begs the question, are the Dolphins "Tuna" safe?

The Yale Book of Quotations picked the top quote of 2007 as "Don't tase me, Bro". The most often used quote however was "You are in foreclosure."

Mohammed is now the second most popular boys' name in England. That shows religion is still important in the Western World, as the most popular name in the U.S. will soon be "Jesus".

Russian President Vladimir Putin was chosen as Time Magazine's "Person of the Year". Al Gore finished in second. When asked what it was like to lose to a dictator of a floundering country who has no regard for civil rights, Gore said "Been there".

Congressman Tom Tancredo has pulled out of the race for President. Tancredo made immigration reform his main issue. Unfortunately for him, the only thing that went south were his numbers.

Barack Obama referred to Ted Kennedy as being "a little old". Kennedy is still waiting for him to finish saying a little old what?

Obama forgets where he is. The U.S. Senate is where 70 year old Jay Rockefeller is the Junior Senator from West Virginia.

A study says that Americans are more positive as we move into 2008. Mostly because they know it is the last year in office for President Bush.

Americans are always optimistic at the start of a new year. It's like Cubs fans getting their hopes up every March.

Doctors say a new breath test can diagnose intestinal problems. I believe it's called a "belch".

A study says that moderate drinking is not a risk to people over 65. It's only a problem when moderate drinking follows heavy drinking.

Michael Douglas is the new announcer for NBC Nightly News. Douglas is getting a little old. Instead of introducing Brian Williams, he keeps saying "Here is Chet Huntley and David Brinkley".

David Hasselhoff and his ex-wife Pamela Bach have settled their divorce proceedings. Apparently they came to an agreement during a nice quite dinner on Hasselhoff's living room rug.

Relief pitcher Jonathan Papelbon says his dog ate the ball that was used for the final out of the 2007 World Series. What's worse is that the dog was given to him by Steve Bartman.

Papelbon also dinged up the World Series trophy while using it to pry open a filing cabinet.

Jamie Lynn Spears' 19 year old boyfriend may be charged with felony carnal knowledge of a minor. He could end up in jail while Kevin Federline remains free and even gets spousal support after knocking up Britney Spears twice. That alone cries for an overhaul of our judicial system.

Spears and her boyfriend both live In Louisiana, where sex is against the law with anyone under 17. Unless they are a blood relative.

New Orleans police used tasers and pepper spray on people protesting against the tearing down of public housing. To which FEMA officials said "Why didn't WE think of that?"

Scientists say that Mars could be hit by an asteroid on January 30th. The collision could carry the force of a 15 megaton nuclear bomb. To which President Bush issued an ultimatum to all Martians to stop development of nuclear weapons or we will invade.

President Clinton has donated his saxophone to the American Jazz Museum in Kansas City. It's the most personal possession he has given up other than several pairs of pants left in different locations across the country.

Queen Elizabeth has become the oldest monarch in England's history, passing Queen Victoria at 81 years. The third longest reigning queen is Elton John.

Queen Elizabeth celebrated the feat in the usual way. Waking up at ten, lunch at noon, tea at four and in bed by nine.

A study links domestic violence to adult smoking. Especially if the smoking results in ashes on a brand new carpet.

A study says that exercise lowers the risk of dementia in people 65 and older. You can tell there's a problem when the person goes out for an exercise walk and never comes back.

A study by the Japanese government says that green tea may cut the risk of prostate cancer. The really tough part is when you have to add boiling water to it.

Stephen Colbert has been voted as the Associated Press Celebrity of the Year. Colbert plays a blowhard, obtuse right wing newscaster on "The Colbert Report". Since his show has been off the air with the writers' strike, fans have had to switch over to the Fox News Channel.

President Bush says he is not satisfied with political progress in Iraq, but insists that they are making advances. Of course he was comparing it to the government here at home.

A Virginia woman was arrested after posting a video on MySpace showing her encouraging a two year old boy to smoke a cigarette and use vulgar language. No one would say what Britney Spears was doing in Virginia in the first place.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is planning on releasing 22,000 inmates from California prisons to save money. The only other occasion where more criminals are turned loose on society is called "Spring Break".

The U.S. fertility rate is at a 35 year high, according to federal statistics. Of course, they were using the Spears family as a model for their research.

European leaders are hailing the expansion of the passport free zone, allowing millions of people to move freely across Europe. The only larger passport free zone in the world is the border between the U.S. and Mexico.

The passport free zone in Europe has expanded to nine more countries. Otherwise known as Tom Tancredo's worst nightmare.

In the U.S., the passport free zone is pretty much considered the parking lot at Home Depot.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says the U.S. has no permanent enemies. All our enemies will become our friends again once President Bush leaves office.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is rejecting criticism by Presidential Candidate Mike Huckabee that the U.S. has an arrogant and unilateral foreign policy and that President Bush always wants to go it alone. Of course Bush's ratings pretty much confirm the go it alone part.

Republican strategist Karl Rove has signed a $1.5 Million deal to write his memoirs that will glorify the Bush Administration. Even J.K. Rowling says she couldn't match that kind of fantasy writing.

Rove's publishers aren't sure yet how they will market the book. So far they deciding between "Fiction", "Religion" and "Evidence".

The oldest U.S. World War I veteran has died at 109. Ironically, he was just finishing the Veteran's Day parade of 2005.

Presidential Candidate John Edwards and his wife say they will only exchange Christmas gifts that were made in the U.S. That meant pretty much they gave each other cash.

A Wyoming woman was arrested for stabbing her husband after accusing him of opening his Christmas gift early. Apparently she tried to do the same to him.

The Associated Press ranked the Virginia Tech shootings as the top story of the year, followed by the mortgage crisis and the war in Iraq. Then why did I only see Anna Nicole Smith, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan when I turned on the cable networks?

Washington, D.C. will be featured on its own state quarter. City officials aren't sure if they want to feature the Washington Monument, Lincoln Memorial or a congressmen trying to take your quarter.

Amtrak is on its way to a fifth straight year of record ridership nationwide. Passengers know that even when the train derails, they are making more progress than when they fly JetBlue.

Valerie Bertinelli and Eddie Van Halen have officially divorced after 24 years of marriage. So that's what she means on those Jenny Craig commercials when she says she just said goodbye to 150 pounds of unwanted weight.

People were amazed that Eddie Van Halen could make it work that long. They mean putting up with David Lee Roth for seven years.

Texas is hitting strip clubs with a $5 per customer tax. It's the only tax that will be paid in cash. All ones.

Texas is slapping strip clubs with a $5 per customer tax. The slapping part will cost the state a little bit more.

A poll says the Transportation Security Administration does a "very" or "somewhat" good job. Mostly from middle age, single and very lonely male travelers.

The TSA has suggestions for people traveling during the holidays. Have your boarding pass ready, take off shoes and coats, and if wearing a beard, turban or burka, be ready for a very long delay.

A survey shows the TSA is tied with the IRS in popularity, finishing just ahead of FEMA. All three came in just behind "waterboarding".

President Bush says Congress is wasting time and money. It's taken him seven years to figure this out?

Former British Prime Minister Tony Blair has converted to Catholicism. Apparently he feels better about kissing the Pope's ring than the Queen's arse.

Mexico has raised their minimum wage to $4.85 a day. Apparently this was done to make the country more competitive with Wal-Mart.

A Pennsylvania woman has started a web site to help people find lost or missing gloves. Wouldn't it be better to just buy a pair of new gloves?

Cell carriers will shut down the oldest cellular network, cutting service to any analog cell phones. How do you tell if your cell phone is analog? For starters, if it weighs more than seven pounds.

Lynne Spears, the mother of Britney and Jamie Lynn has written a book about parenting that is being delayed by her publishers Apparently they would like to wait until she figures out something about the subject herself.

Lynne Spears can now concentrate on writing a book about raising grandchildren while the kids are still in high school.

Lynne Spears has written a book about parenting. I hope that isn't the one that Britney used.

Lynne Spears has written a book about parenting. Britney won't speak to her and Jamie Lynn got knocked up at 16. Maybe Lynne should write about trailer decorating instead.

A study says uninsured cancer patients are twice as likely to die within five years than insured cancer patients. Uninsured cancer patients are people whose insurance companies found out they have cancer.

Duke University researchers say monkeys can perform mental math as well as college students. Of course, the only available students were from from N.C. State.

The top Associated Press sports stories of the year were Barry Bonds, Michael Vick and disgraced NBA referee Tim Donaghy. Remember when the best sports stories were about winners?

A fraud investigation shows that Medicare paid for $95 Million in phony claims for artificial limbs in Florida. That comes out to an arm and a leg and an arm and a leg and an arm...

A Wisconsin man graduated from the University of Wisconsin Milwaukee at age 87. He says college was the best 60 years of his life.

He says he just wishes his parents were still alive. So they could send him to graduate school.

Paris Hilton's mother Kathy is auctioning off celebrity items on eBay to raise money for charity. The auction items include several pair of Paris' jeans. They are popular because they are so easy to get into.

A New York woman was married in a public restroom wearing a dress made of toilet paper after winning a Charmin contest. I just hope the toilet paper for the dress wasn't the "something old".

It would have been more appropriate to be married in the subway.

An Italian court has forbidden a couple to name their child "Friday" after the character in the novel "Robinson Crusoe". However, the court ruled they can name the child "Friday" after the T.G.I. Friday's restaurant chain.

Food inflation is hitting France, with the cost of eating steadily rising. In the U.S. we have a different problem. Here the food is inflating the people.

A North Dakota bank is giving its employees each $1,000 that they must use to help people in need. The people most in need are the bank's mortgage customers.

GM is recalling more than 300 thousand vehicles because of a problem that could cause the driver to lose control. That's almost as many vehicles that go out of control because of cell phones.

Chrysler is reportedly in serious financial shape. It's somewhere between "bankrupt" and "Ford".

Forbes Magazine says the Cadillac XLR is the worst selling car of 2007, dropping 42% in sales from the previous year. Ford breathed a sigh of relief. Sales were so bad the year before, they couldn't drop that much.

Auto industry experts say the economy will hurt Detroit in 2008. However, probably not nearly as bad as Detroit will hurt the economy in 2008.

Toyota is developing a car that will help with senior driving safety. For instance, they have developed a turn signal that stays on all the time by itself.

A study says that more people are resolving to fix their finances than to losing weight in the next year. If they get any more in debt, they won't be able to afford anything to eat anyway.

The NHL will hold the first outdoor NHL game at Ralph Wilson Stadium in Buffalo on January 1st. They know the Bills won't need the stadium by then as the NFL playoffs will have started.

Golfer Michelle Wie won't be playing any men's events in 2008. The way she played in 2007, the only golf Wie should be playing is on a Wii.

"The Daily Show" will return to the air without its writers on January 7th. Without writers, "The Daily Show" is basically MSNBC.

Don Henley says the Eagles are proud to play country music. The Eagles playing country music just means that Joe Walsh is sober.

A study says that short legged women may have a high risk of liver damage. Mostly from squirming when they try to reach the gas pedal and brake.

A study says that tantrum prone kids are at risk from disruptive behavior. Isn't that pretty much a tantrum?

China's population is aging rapidly. In fact, there are people in China who are so old, they remember the Great Wall when it was just a fence.

The death rate from heart attacks and strokes is falling in the U.S. They aren't going down in number, they have just been passed by deaths from road rage.

A study shows that people who suffer from severe psoriasis die younger. Apparently it's from all that heartbreak.

A study reveals why monkeys shout during sex. Most likely it's because they are having sex.

An experimental "smart" tire can warn of an impending flat. It can sense when four Americans are about to get in the same car.

Ex-Yankee pitcher Tommy Byrne has died at age 87. Unfortunately, an autopsy found he had traces of Geritol in his system.

Bronco kicker Jason Elam has written a novel that has the elements of football, religion and spying. Which is amazing consider he has never even played for the New England Patriots.

The U.S. Senate has stepped in concerning the feud between the NFL Network and cable companies. It's a good thing they got that little problem in Iraq taken care of first.

36 Florida State football players will miss the Music City Bowl against Kentucky because of academic cheating, team rule violations or injuries. College football fans are shocked. Florida State has team rules?

Pete Rose says steroids users are making a mockery of baseball. Apparently it's hard to pick which team to bet on when everyone is hitting so many home runs.

Rose says if steroids were around when he was in baseball, he could have hit several doubles.

George H. W. Bush has won the Bob Jones Award, the top honor from the USGA. The qualifications are to be rich, white, Republican, and to once in awhile pick up a golf club.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am still hard at work right before Christmas making sure I get all my work done. In other words, I'm just another elf. But elves need the love, too...So feel free to send it along!

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