Sunday, December 09, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...We got our Christmas Tree today. Are the neighbors going to be mad when they see their ficus missing!

The New York Daily News published a list of the "50 Dumbest Hollywood Celebrities". The list was pretty much anyone who ever invested in a Kevin Costner film.

Lindsay Lohan came in first, for poor career choices, delinquent behavior and bad taste in men. Which should actually put her in a tie with half the women in America.

The scariest thing about the list is that eleven people came in ahead of Courtney Love, and thirteen finished ahead of Britney Spears.

The only question is how did Paris Hilton fail to make the final cut?

O.J. Simpson didn't make the list. Apparently getting away with murder makes you "smart" to the Daily News.

The fifty dumbest people in Hollywood all make millions of dollars a year, are treated like royalty and get rewarded for bad behavior. If that's dumb, someone show me how to lose a few brain cells.

What is really dumb is that millions of New Yorkers actually pay money to read the Daily News every day.

Airlines are starting to offer food on flights that last longer than four hours. In other words, Jet Blue is now providing meal service on the runway.

Denver has been identified as the "most dangerously drunk city" in the country. Of course, that's just at the University of Colorado.

You would be dangerously drunk, too if all you had to root for are the Nuggets, Broncos and Rockies.

The question is, how can anyone get dangerously drunk on Coors beer?

Two Ohio college students have pleaded guilty to robbing banks to pay their high college tuition bills. When they get out of jail they will be given scholarships to their schools' CEO programs.

One of the students is a theater major. That means after going broke to pay for college, he will go broke trying to be an actor.

Hillary Clinton has dropped her theme song, Celine Dion's "You and I". Apparently she remembered that the last hit Celine Dion had was the theme song to "Titanic".

The next time Rudy Giuliani appears in drag, Hillary's theme song will change to "Tutti Frutti, Oh Rudy".

A study says most men under 40 who suffer from erectile dysfunction suffer from psychological problems. The psychological problem they suffer from is erectile dysfunction.

Congress is probing the credit card industry about abusive practices. Having Congress investigate massive credit debt is like Paris Hilton helping Britney Spears become less of a skank.

John McCain says making health insurance mandatory is like making it mandatory for people to buy a house. Of course, getting ill with no health insurance means you can say goodbye to your house anyway.

John McCain says mandatory health insurance is like mandatory house buying. The current health care and mortgage crises say pretty much that most Americans are without both.

Britney Spears was the most searched Internet name in 2007 according to Yahoo search engine. Actually, her name is what came up most often when looking up "yahoo".

NBC chief Jeff Zucker is making cuts to try to save $20-40 Million. The best way Zucker could save NBC that much money would be to resign.

The Patriots-Ravens football game brought the highest ratings for any cable show in history. And that was just from Tom Brady's ex-girlfriends tuning in.

A study says young Europeans prefer the Internet to television. And old Europeans prefer getting drunk to just about anything.

The Bush Administration is hammering out an agreement to freeze interest rates for five years on sub prime mortgages to prevent foreclosures. Republicans are very concerned about people losing their houses. Thanks to President Bush, In 2008 Republicans will pretty much be kicked out of the White House and both Houses of Congress.

The U.S. national debt is now up to $30,000 per person. Fortunately, the dollar is devaluating so fast that comes out to about ten Euros.

The busboy who is suing Lindsay Lohan for running into his van says he has proof she was drinking that night. The proof is that after the accident, Lindsay Lohan was hanging out with a busboy.

Frank Sinatra will get his own stamp. The Post Office is not sure which part of his legacy to honor. So far it's down to his winning a Grammy, winning an Oscar, or punching out a photographer.

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice says she questions the openness of Iran. However, the reasons for her questioning Iran were immediately labeled "classified" and were then destroyed.

A survey says the nation's top CEOs view of the economy has improved for the fourth quarter. Mostly because of their over-inflated salaries and golden parachutes for when they drive the company into bankruptcy.

A survey shows that one fifth of all Canadians are immigrants. Most of them arrived from the U.S. around 1968.

One fifth of Canada's 31 million people are immigrants. They are mostly Mexicans who forgot to stop running after they reached California.

A study says obese kids face heart risks later in life, and that heart disease will increase 16% in the coming years. In fact, "middle age" for the current generation has now been dropped to 22.

Ford has recalled 1.17 million vehicles for an engine flaw. The flaw is that they were equipped with a Ford engine.

Ford has recalled 1.17 million vehicles for an engine flaw. Auto industry experts are puzzled how it happened. No one could believe Ford sold more than a million cars.

The childhood cancer rate has dropped 20% from 1990 to 2004. The reason is that kids are dying from obesity before they can develop cancer.

The CIA has destroyed two tapes of harsh interrogation of suspected terrorists. The CIA says they were afraid the tapes would be leaked and the agents identities would be revealed. Apparently CIA officials wanted to make sure the tapes never fell into the hands of Robert Novak.

The CIA destroyed two video tapes showing harsh interrogation tactics by agents. Apparently they were worried the tapes might be reclassified. As evidence.

Apparently Hollywood executives wanted to get copies of the tapes. Not for making movies about the CIA or Bush Administration. They wanted them for negotiating tactics with the striking writers.

It turns out the CIA didn't actually destroy the tapes. One of the agents accidentally recorded over it with "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?".

JetBlue is going to offer e-mail and instant messaging on flights. They will mostly be used by people calling for help after being stranded on a JetBlue plane for several hours.

A study says that Type 2 Diabetes is best controlled with the "Caveman" diet. A side benefit is that people on the diet can also save a bundle with Geico Insurance.

Unfortunately, people who go on the "Caveman" diet end up sounding like Sylvester Stallone when they talk.

The New York City Opera may lose their home at the State Theater for the next season. Apparently even they caught caught up in the sub prime mortgage crisis.

Miss California 2007 was finally crowned after a mix up in the voting tabulations. She was then also crowned Miss Florida 2000.

Pageant officials say it was human error that led to the drowning of the wrong person. Apparently the mistake was giving the tabulation duties to Katherine Harris.

A New York woman was arrested for spiking a man's drink with Visine. That gives new meaning to the phrase "Pour me an eye opener".

After drinking the Visine, the man suffered vomiting, rectal bleeding and difficulty bleeding. And they want you to put this stuff in your eyes?

John McEnroe says that tennis is being infiltrated by the Mafia. Apparently he thinks the sport could become some sort of racket.

McEnroe is afraid that the mob could make millions through intimidation of players and officials. Oh, no wait. That was McEnroe.

A survey says that only 18% of U.S. voters believe that Iran has ended its nuclear weapons program. The same survey says 87% of Americans believe Marie Osmond should have won on "Dancing With The Stars".

Ron Paul has launched a blimp for his campaign. In a related story, Ted Kennedy has endorsed Hillary Clinton for President.

The Senate has dropped a bill that would expand hate crime laws to include gays. Apparently Larry Craig's "wide stance" is really beginning to annoy people in the Senate bathrooms.

Hurricane researcher William Gray is predicting a near average season next year of seven hurricanes. Just to be safe, he is also predicting rain in Seattle.

Gray has had a few rough years of forecasting hurricanes. He is still optimistic about his forecast for finding WMD in Iraq.

The worst part is that after issuing his forecast, President Bush called to say "Heck of a job, Gray!"

Health officials are warning about a bed wetting drug after two people died after using it. Now only did it not stop the bed wetting, the two people actually died from drowning.

A study says where people live may determine their longevity. For instance, a person's life span can be drastically reduced the closer they live to a McDonald's.

Where a person lives can determine their longevity. Especially for women living in the same house with Robert Blake or O.J. Simpson.

A Vermont man claims he found a condom in a Burger King sandwich. He first suspected something was wrong when he noticed a rubbery taste.

A congressional investigation says there is a high risk of a catastrophic collision on a U.S. runway. The collision will no doubt be between a JetBlue plane and any other airline which is actually taking off or landing.

The Pakistan army has taken over a golf course in their battle with Islamic militants. They had better watch out. if there is any way to get a Republican Administration to invade your country, it is to start occupying golf courses.

New York City is considering a ban on Central Park horse carriages, after allegations the animals were treated inhumanely. City officials will not stand for the mistreatment of any form of transportation other than cabbies.

A report says credit card use was up in October by 2.3%. That no doubt means bankruptcies will be up in December by 2.3%.

Physical therapists are prescribing the Wii video game to rebuild muscles. It is perfect for rebuilding bodies that have atrophied from years of laying on a couch playing video games.

A San Francisco lawyer says he will represent Phil Spector in his retrial for murder. No word on who will represent the first jury at their insanity hearing.

Parents concerned about vaccination dangers and government intrusion are trying to block New Jersey from becoming the first state to require pre-schoolers to get flu shots. New Jersey is still the only state requiring school children to get shots for mange and distemper.

The nation's teen birth rate has increased for the first time in fifteen years. This is proof that teachers are finally spending more one on one time with their students.

Some major U.S. airports are offering flu shots to passengers. It is recommended to people who have just gone through an airport security screening.

Research shows that divorce is bad for the environment. Especially in the cases of O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake, who just leave the corpses out on the street.

Research shows that divorce is bad for the environment. And if you are Paul McCartney, it's also not so good for the bank account.

Tiger Woods' wife won a libel lawsuit against an Irish magazine for $183,000. To make that much money, Tiger Woods has to play as many as four holes of golf.

Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren Woods won a libel suit against an Irish magazine. The magazine referred to her as "Good looking", and the judge said it was insulting to use anything less than "Smokin' Hot!".

New Jersey is set to scrap the death penalty. It's a concession to the mob to keep them from moving operations out of state.

The University of Southern Maine has banned 400 students who failed to get a mumps vaccination. Apparently the students just figured no virus could survive in that climate.

U.S. students are behind other countries in science and math. The Bush Administration says this is good news, showing that we have fewer nerds and geeks in our school systems.

A poll shows Hispanics are drifting towards the Democratic Party. The Republican Party is trying to get the Hispanics to drift back down to Mexico.

The U.S. is losing allies in Iraq. Because of the war in Iraq, the U.S. is losing allies in the U.S.

A dispute between two Gypsy clans in Southern California is set to go to court. Jury selection will begin next week with a Tarot reading.

Chrysler is having to recall 575,000 vehicles. Apparently their marketing strategy of copying Ford isn't working out so well.

Starbucks is recalling 167,000 mugs made in China after the handles were found to fall off. That was determined to actually be a safety feature that keeps people from ingesting the lead paint on the mugs.

A report says that 35% of all toys contain lead. Those toys are being bought up by dentist offices to give the kids to play with while they are being X-rayed.

The College of William and Mary is changing its logo to lose two feathers that were deemed offensive by the NCAA to American Indians. Even more offensive to Indians is the nickname of the "Tribe" for a school with such a losing athletic record.

Sylvester Stallone says the filming of the latest "Rambo" movie was dangerous, with death threats coming while they filmed in Thailand. And those were just from the film critics.

Ryan Phillippe and his new girlfriend Abbie Cornish have gone public with their relationship. They decided it was time to go public since none of the gossip columnists or tabloids or newspapers or entertainment show or people in general seemed to care.

Ryan Phillippe divorced Reese Witherspoon, the hottest and highest paid woman in Hollywood. That is a good time to not go public with anything.

Britney Spears outsold Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan with more than 34,000 personal items on eBay.34,000 items and not one pair of underwear to be found.

ABBA is going to get three floors of space of a museum in Sweden. Plus one shelf dedicated to their careers after ABBA.

Keith Richards is going to release some rare singles on iTunes. They are rare because he actually remembered where he had put them.

An original copy of the Magna Carta is expected to sell for $20-30 Million at an auction. It will be purchased by the U.S. Government so President Bush can officially white out that part about "Habeas Corpus".

Comedian Dave Chappelle broke his own record for continuous stand up comedy at six hours and twelve minutes. That time also eclipsed his record for consecutive time not being institutionalized.

A study says that losing one's virginity early or late can be tied to health risks. Notice that losing one's virginity "early" pertains only to women, and "late" pertains only to men.

People with a low birth weight are more likely to suffer depression or anxiety as adults, according to a study. Those with low adult weight are more likely to become super models.

Michelangelo's last sketch was discovered in Italy. He was almost 90 when he completed it. The drawing featured a wall mural saying "I don't do ceilings!"

Barry Bonds has pleaded not guilty to perjury. He also says he wants to play in 2008. He may not be a Yankee, but he has a good chance of wearing stripes next year.

Dodger Manager Joe Torre underwent knee replacement surgery. That's one of the hazards of managing twelve years for George Steinbrenner.

Arizona basketball coach Lute Olson is filing for divorce, and will miss the rest of the season. That is one tough divorce attorney his wife has hired.

Martina Navratilova is the new AARP Health and Fitness Ambassador. The real ambassador for AARP is Roger Federer, who is causing players of all ages to retire early.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Remember to support the striking writers. If it weren't for them, I would be making even less than I am now. Which is impossible. But you can always still send the love!

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