Sunday, December 02, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers... It's December 2nd...Only 23 more shopping days until I declare bankruptcy...

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says CNN is instigating his murder after captioning his picture with "Who killed him?". Being murdered on CNN would be the prefect crime. No witnesses.

The Bush Administration wants to enlist firefighters as spies in the war on terror. They are being asked to report on suspicious behavior or materials like building blueprints. So far eighteen architects have been turned in.

A man who was armed with what appeared to be a bomb took over a Hillary Clinton campaign office in New Hampshire. He wanted to talk with Hillary Clinton, to which Bill replied "She's available at 2:00 or I could cancel her 2:45 for you..."

Dr. Robert Cade, the man credited with inventing Gatorade has died at 80. Several professional football coaches showed up at the funeral to douse his body with a large bucket of the sports drink.

The United Nations says the poor will need $86 Billion a year by 2015 in climate aid. Most of that will be spent to pay for them to see Al Gore's movie in an air conditioned theater.

A study is linking hair loss with dental disease. The first sign you have a problem is when you use the same brush on your hair and your teeth.

Two Republican Senators are threatening to cut aid to Iraq if more progress isn't reported. That's Washington code talk for the Halliburton lobbyist to spring for a few more dinners and vacations.

Two people say they were hit by shotgun pellets fired by Bobby Knight in Texas. Nobody even knew Knight was interested in running for Vice President.

Bobby Knight is being accused of hitting two people with pellets from his shotgun. Apparently they made the mistake of wearing black and white striped shirts.

Stephen King is suggesting that Jenna Bush be waterboarded so President Bush would know exactly what it is like. Jenna says if it's anything like drinking shooters while hanging upside down on spring break, bring it on!

Vice President Cheney returned to work shortly after having his heart shocked back to a normal rhythm. He was given the go ahead by doctors after it got back up to one peat per hour.

Carson Daly has resumed taping his program despite the writers' strike. Hollywood was shocked. Carson Daly has writers?

Daly is asking for joke submissions from his friends and family. His friends and family were shocked. Carson Daly has a show?

Online sales exceeded expectations in the first few days of Christmas shopping. Now why would anyone shop online and miss the fun of Christmas shopping in person? I mean the long lines, rude salespeople, $4 a gallon gasoline...

President Bush opened the peace conference in Maryland saying the time is right for Mideast Peace. Just as soon as we stop bombing Iraq, threatening Iran and Syria and catch Osama Bin Laden.

President Bush is concerned about recent Russian political arrests at peaceful rallies. Bush asks why they don't just ban people from protesting in the first place like he does?

Bush says people should have the right to protest. He says not only does he support protesters, he has even been to a Protestant Church.

Ted Kennedy has signed a deal to write his autobiography. Although Kennedy is a little sensitive about including the word "auto" in his "biography".

U.S. 4th graders have lost ground in reading compared with children around the world. Education experts are not too worried. It's not like that would keep them from ever being President.

A study says that people who eat fast food 3 or 4 times a week weigh about 4 pounds more than people who eat out less frequently. The problem with the study was finding any Americans who eat fast food four times a week or less.

There's a term for Americans who eat junk food four times a week or less. Health fanatics.

A study says that hand washing beats drugs in battling viruses like influenza and SARS. The study says in almost every other instance, drugs are way better than washing hands.

Cyber Monday, the start of the online shopping season saw sales up 21% over last year. Which is exactly the same percentage of men who were busted for having porn on their computers by their wives who only log on to do Christmas shopping.

A Harvard study says that 60% of Americans don't trust political coverage. Mostly because all the political reporters have graduated from Harvard.

The New York Times is cutting twelve jobs from its newsroom. Apparently they are just trying to cut down the amount of time spend on making corrections.

The New York Times stock continues to drop. In fact, next Sunday's edition will be printed on recycled New York Times' stock certificates.

French film director Jean Luc Godard says he stole money to finance his early films. Hollywood investors are saying the same thing about Kevin Costner.

Scientists say that standing up is as important as exercise to stay fit. That's because no one has figured out how to get Americans off the couch in the first place.

Scientists say that standing up is as important as exercise to stay fit. And we all know in what great physical shape our scientific community is in.

Rodney King was shot by a shotgun in San Bernardino while riding his bike. It's obvious the man was just not meant to travel on wheels.

Federal agents have busted a sham "Green Card" marriage scam on Craigslist. It was the biggest marriage scam in recent history that didn't involve Liza Minelli.

A study says the immigrant population in the U.S. is now 38 million. Or as the government calls it, "California".

One of every eight U.S. residents is an immigrant. The New York Yankees have a rate of one out of nine. The guy on the mound.

A study says working the overnight shift can increase the risk of cancer. Unless you work at a convenience store where gunshots woulds will kill you way before you get cancer.

A study says Utah has the worst mental health in the nation. That makes sense. Look how crazy men get when they have just one wife.

The least depressed state in the nation is South Dakota. The people who live there can always tell themselves there is no way it could get any worse.

A Detroit man says a KFC manager threw boiling water on him to get him to stop panhandling outside the restaurant. If the manager really wanted to do the man harm, they would have given him some KFC food.

A newspaper writer lived at the Mall of America in Minnesota for a week, spending $404.16 in the process. Most of that was for a large decaf latte at Starbucks in a moment of weakness.

There's a word for a person who lives at a mall for a week at a time. "Teenager".

A woman wearing a fake mustache robbed a Denny's in Oregon. They knew she wasn't a customer because if it were a woman customer at Denny's, the mustache would have been real.

Legendary Daredevil Evel Knievel has died. The funeral procession will consist of a hears that will jump over three buses.

Foreign children adoptions in the U.S. have dropped for three straight years. Apparently things won't get any better until Madonna and Angelina Jolie buy bigger homes.

Scientists have announced a new, much more rapid test for the STD Chlamydia. Doctors now just ask if you have dated Paris Hilton.

A former federal worker who persuaded people across the nation to donate vacation hours so he could undergo fake cancer treatments has pleaded guilty to fraud. He now gets that free vacation he wanted for the next 10-15 years.

Leeland Eisenberg, the man who took hostages in a Hillary Clinton campaign office apparently had a troubled marriage. Apparently he felt if anyone could give him a sympathetic ear about that, it is Hillary Clinton.

If he couldn't get any time with Hillary Clinton, his plan was to go and take over a Rudy Giuliani campaign office.

The Sons of Confederate Veterans are upset that Fred Thompson and Mitt Romney were critical of the Confederate Flag. Is there anyone in the country not critical of the Confederate Flag? I mean anyone not wearing a white sheet.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi says Congress will take up a bid to raise fuel standards to 35 mpg by 2020 for most cars. Mostly for the three people who will still be able to afford gasoline by that time.

Scientists are opposing efforts by Congress to block them from examining the oldest and most complete set of bones ever found in the U.S. Apparently Congress felt it was more of a privacy issue for Joan Rivers.

Environment Canada is warning that Canada could be in for a very cold winter. The number one reason they are expecting a cold winter is because it is Canada.

An Indian state has banned a film featuring a popular Bollywood star because it would offend low caste Hindus. Although probably not as much as being predetermined to be in a low caste for their entire life.

A page of a handwritten manuscript of a novel by Napoleon is going on the auction block. It will be the most overpaid amount for a manuscript since "Godfather 3".

Mexico and GM have announced a hybrid production vehicle that will be built in Mexico. It will get 40 mpg and will have room in the trunk for fifty people.

Mexico and GM are teaming up to build a hybrid vehicle in Mexico. "Hybrid" in Mexico means it can float across the Rio Grande yet make it across the Arizona desert without overheating.

Reese Witherspoon has been named as the highest paid actress in Hollywood. Paris Hilton is the highest paid...What is she, anyway?

Reese Witherspoon has been named the highest paid actress in Hollywood, at up to $20 Million a picture. Ryan Phillippe has been named a bigger loser than Kevin Federline

The government in Brazil is putting condom dispensing machines in public school restrooms to combat AIDS. If it works, it may be tried in the U.S., only they will be placed in the teachers' lounge.

A federal program called We Can! to fight obesity in children is expanding. In fact, the only thing expanding faster than the program itself are the children.

The obesity rate in the U.S. has leveled off for both men and women. Apparently Americans are sacrificing their own obesity to give their children a chance to reach new standards.

The obesity rate in the U.S. has leveled for both men and women. Apparently the credit and mortgage crisis is making people work more, taking away valuable eating time.

Forty bird species in Montana including the sage grouse are listed as "imperiled". The reasons are listed as disappearing wetlands, human development and the fact that they are all so tasty.

Scientists are studying art to see how the difference in colors of sunsets over the years may reflect a change in the climate. So far the painting most often chosen to reflect the world's climate situation is Edvard Munch's "The Scream".

A retired New York policeman wants to keep his license plate that reads "GETOSAMA" even though the DMV wants to confiscate it. The DMV says it is "patently offensive". Maybe so, but what are the chances of President Bush actually seeing it while driving around New York?

The police officer doesn't care about the license plate. He just doesn't want to have to sit and wait for hours at the DMV to get another plate.

Nobel winning Professor Carl Wieman of the University of Colorado says classes of 400 students or more should be cut in size. He says it could get even worse if student athletes are forced to attend class.

A Scottish Council has rejected Donald Trump's golf course plan in Scotland. Trump is said to be "Shocked, disappointed and dismayed". However, his hair was granted seaside links status.

Trump says he hasn't been so shocked, disappointed and dismayed since ordering Scottish food.

Several NFL players will give part of their paychecks from December 23rd games to help needy retired players. Apparently most of it will go to the O.J. Simpson Defense Fund.

Needy retired NFL players are defined as wide receivers who played with Ryan Leaf as their quarterback.

A couple is offering a $10,000 reward for a parrot that talks with a Brooklyn accent. The bird's favorite phrase is "Give Polly a cracker or I'll break your freakin' legs."

Iran is getting ready to crack down on women who violate fashion laws. Not to say they are strict, but if Britney Spears lived there, she would have been publicly stoned by now.

A United Nations reports says Iceland is the most desirable place to live in the world. The main reason is that people are able to hold on to more of their income since they don't have any Starbucks.

The U.S. fell to 12th place after finishing 8th last year. However, it's good to know the U.S. is still number one with illegal immigrants.

The White House is ready for holiday visits, with 20,000 cookies, 700 cakes and 320 gallons of eggnog. Apparently someone has figured out a plan to finally do in the Vice President.

A survey shows that 14 of the top 15 alcohol drinking countries are in Europe, with Luxembourg coming in first, France second and Ireland third. However, the list would be completely different if Las Vegas and Hollywood were to claim independence and form separate countries.

President Bush's economic adviser Keith Hennessey is stepping down. Washington was shocked. Bush has an economic adviser?

Why leave now? What was he waiting for? The Great Depression Part Two?

That's like riding out the Hindenburg, saying it's just a grease fire.

Hennessey says he would like to get into something a little more lucrative, like being an agent for sub prime mortgages.

The Treasury is about to issue its final batch of state quarters. Or as they are known with the dollar sinking to record low value, "pennies".

A new safety system is being developed to awaken sleepy drivers. I suggest an electric shock. Which can also be used to get them to stop talking on their cell phone.

The gifts from "The Twelve Days of Christmas" have a retail value of $78,100 this year. That's not even counting pedicures and leotards demanded by the "Lords a'Leaping".

Heavy snow forced the postponement of the Super G World Cup ski event in Colorado. That's like rain causing delay at a swim meet.

Wayne newton says Johnny Carson was "mean spirited", making jokes about his manliness. It's just a good thing Johnny didn't live to see Newton's face lift on "Dancing With the Stars".

The Jackson Five is planning a reunion. Apparently after working with Paula Abdul on "American Idol", Randy finally feels he can deal with Michael again.

Fourteen gunpowder paintings sold in China for $9.5 Million. The only problem with gunpowder paintings is when the artist has a short fuse.

Research shows that Mars was once red hot. Apparently a housing crisis cooled things down there as well.

Research shows the first Americans arrived from Siberia. Research shows pretty much everyone else arrived from Mexico.

A cell phone service in London finds the closest public bathroom. The trick is finding one not occupied by George Michael.

Algae is being developed as a biofuel. The company needs some marketing help. Their slogan so far is "Put some plankton in your tank."

Their alternative slogan is "Put a protozoa in your Pinto."

Miami Dolphins linebacker Zach Thomas has missed five games with migraine headaches. The headaches are being caused by having to admit to playing for the Miami Dolphins.

USC is in talks to move out of the Coliseum in Los Angeles. They would like to play somewhere more modern. Like at the Colosseum in Rome.

After losing to Stanford this year, they may be forced to share time at a high school stadium.

A delegate at a track and field convention is calling on baseball to erase Barry Bonds' records because of his indictment for perjury concerning steroid use. If that happens, the entire Library of Congress may have to go, too.

HBO is making a movie based on the book about Barry Bonds, "Game of Shadows". The working title is "HGH on HBO".

The Tampa Bay Rays want to build a $450 Million waterfront stadium. To attract spectators, they want to have a view of something other than the Rays.

Miami Heat guard Smush Parker was suspended over a fight with a valet parking attendant. NBA players don't realize they are one injury away from being valet attendants themselves.

A study says that Republicans say their mental health is better than others'. Of course most of them are comparing themselves to Rush Limbaugh and Rudy Giuliani.

The White House is urging a probe of alleged Russian election violations. The election was won by Vladimir Putin's party with 63% of the vote. President Bush wants to know why Republican-rigged elections win by such small margins.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Remember, while you are out Christmas shopping, don't forget I wear an XXL when it comes to sending the love...

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