Sunday, November 25, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...These are my post-Thansgiving jokes...Just like in the fridge, mostly old, stale leftovers...

A group is lobbying to get more students to carry guns on college campuses. That will certainly make professors think twice before issuing a D or F.

4.7Million Americans were expected to fly over the Holidays. Of course, those flying JetBlue took off at Thanksgiving and won't arrive until Christmas.

A study says obesity can skew prostate cancer tests. How fat are we getting that doctors can't find where to insert that finger?

The National Transportation Safety Board says the nation's subways are badly in need of repair. Crooked tracks make the cars bounce so much, pickpockets have been taking their own wallets.

Research says that youthful binge drinking can have lasting consequences. They are called "children".

A study says that smoking cigarettes can accelerate male hair loss. If smoking is causing your hair to disappear, maybe it's time to check the flame setting on your lighter.

Heather Mills denounced the rich in a recent speech. She despises them so much, she feels the only way she can have a relationship with Paul McCartney is by making him poor.

Heather mills denounced the rich in a recent speech. She will use her $100 Million divorce settlement from Paul McCartney to help spread the word.

New York City is on track to have fewer than 500 murders this year, which would be a 40 year low. Apparently the dollar has gotten so weak, crooks aren't bothering to kill anyone for their cash.

Only 35 of the murders this year were committed by strangers to the victims. Apparently this means the city is getting much friendlier.

Conservative think tank The Heritage Foundation says the democrats are becoming the party of the rich. The wealthiest congressional districts are mostly democratic. Of course, the wealthiest people in the district are the congressmen.

New York City wants millions of dollars in back taxes from Derek Jeter of the Yankees, who claims Florida as his residence. This has thrown a scare into the bullpen, who all claim residence in Cuba and the Dominican Republic.

Auto industry investors say that U.S. auto sales could hit a 15 year low in 2008. Of course, Ford would give anything to sell as many cars as they did in 1993.

Actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers was arrested for public drunkenness at an airport in Ireland. He was charged with impersonating an America West pilot.

Jonathan Rhys Meyers was arrested for public drunkenness at an Irish airport. How drunk do you have to be to stand out as a drunk in Ireland?

A 102 year old English grandmother posed nude for a calendar. She was Miss June. Her breasts were July, August and September.

Detroit has been named the most dangerous city in the U.S. Mostly if you work for one of the Big Three automakers.

People in Detroit are signing up for the military in hopes of being sent somewhere safer. Like Baghdad.

A study says hate crimes were up 8% in the U.S. in 2006. This is good news for the economy, as people aren't committing as many crimes just for the money.

Rudy Giuliani addressed the energy issue at a NASCAR race. He would have gotten a lot more attention if he would have discussed his idea for a national dental plan.

Rudy Giuliani addressed the energy issue at a NASCAR race. That's like talking about the obesity epidemic at a McDonald's.

A Spanish study says that beer is more beneficial after exercise than water. Unless you are drinking Coors, in which case it's the same thing.

Donny Osmond apologized to Larry King after criticizing him for asking about Marie Osmond's son who is in rehab. Donny says he didn't mean to speak ill of the dead.

The U.S. Postal Service says that Chicago is the worst city for mail delivery in the country. It's so slow, Steve Bartman is finally starting to get hate mail.

A study at the University of Texas in Austin says that college students drink more on football game day than on New Year's Day. The students say why save it for New Year's, since that happens only once a year.

Most college students drink so much on football game day, they can't give you the date for New Year's Day.

Six California high school cheerleaders were suspended for spelling out a message on their backsides. California is the only state where you get in trouble for wearing underwear, and become a media darling if you don't.

The Pentagon says that climate change could lead to war, famine and political unrest around the world in the next twenty years. This shows that President Bush is just ahead of his time.

McDonald's says they are going after a part of the $12 Billion coffee market. Half the customers in line will be lawyers waiting for someone to spill hot coffee all over themselves.

The Eagles say their first new album in 28 years kept them from retiring. Instead of "Life in the Fast Lane", it's "Slow the bus down, you're driving like a bat out of hell!"

Instead of "Life in the Fast Lane", it's "Going 45 mph with the blinker on".

"Take it Easy" is no longer a song, it's doctor's orders.

Mitt Romney is calling for a cap on medical malpractice lawsuits. It's his way of cutting off John Edwards from financing his own candidacy.

Mitt Romney is calling for a cap on medical malpractice lawsuits. The republican plan to stop malpractice lawsuits is to eventually deny health care to everyone.

Madonna's daughter Lourdes has reportedly been offered an acting role in the next "Harry Potter" film. These are probably the same people who thought it would be a good idea for George W. Bush to follow his father into the White House.

Even Harry Potter doesn't know if his magic is strong enough to overcome the "Curse of Madonna".

More U.S. adults are telling researchers they are getting more exercise. Of course most of them considered it exercise to get up and answer the phone for the survey.

A study says that long term pain medication doesn't affect driving ability. Even if it does, when the people get into an accident, they really don't care.

The Pope is purging all modern music from the Vatican. Apparently even he is getting tired of the Kanye West - Fifty Cent feud.

The Pope is purging all modern music from the Vatican. This is going to hurt the royalties of all those songwriters who had hits after the 14th Century.

Chicago may sell some naming rights around the city as a way to raise money. How about seeing if there is a chewing gum company that may be interested in Wrigley Field?

New Jersey state workers were angry about Governor Corzine making them work the day after Thanksgiving. They were almost as mad as being made to work on any other day.

State workers were furious. What's next? Having to show up for work on every other Friday during the year?

Australian Prime Minister John Howard was voted out of office with his Liberal Party in favor of the more left leaning Labor Party. When President Bush said he was going to change regimes, no one knew that besides Iraq he was talking about England and Australia.

A freight train derailed neat M&T Stadium in Baltimore, home of the NFL Ravens. It was the biggest derailment at a football stadium since, well the Ravens.

Herbert Saffir, creator of the Saffir-Simpson scale for hurricane intensity has died at age 90. Before he died he came up with a "Category 6" designation for the biggest disaster known to mankind. FEMA.

Five United Airlines workers became ill after eating at a company meal. So that's what happened to all those in flight meals.

The Golden Oldies dance troupe is a seniors only dance team that performs at Miami Heat basketball games. They bring new meaning to "dribbling up the floor".

A transgender city councilor in Georgia is being sued by a rival for misleading voters by running as a woman. Now there is someone taking political "flip flopping" to a new level.

San Francisco Supervisors have turned down a proposal that would ban city hall managers from having affairs with subordinates. Apparently they were worried it would drive Mayor Gavin Newsom out of local politics.

The new Swiss Army knife made it into the Guinness Book of World Records with 87 attachments. It weighs three pounds and even has a special attachment for wrapping hernias.

President Bush enjoyed a Thanksgiving meal of oven roasted turkey, cornmeal dressing and mashed potatoes and gravy. After Scott McClellan's book transcripts were released along with his latest poll numbers, he has been on a steady diet of crow.

A Chinese car plant is being built in Mexico. If they wanted to use cheap Mexican labor, they should have built the plant in California.

The prospect of a new car plant opening in Mexico has hundreds of laid off Ford employees actually crossing the border going the other way.

Several studies say that telecommuting to work has more pluses than negatives for workers. For most Americans, it is the comfort of never having to be more than a few feet from their refrigerator.

Former "Bachelor" contestant Mary Delgado was arrested for punching her boyfriend in the mouth. Apparently he forgot to hand her a rose at the end of their date.

"Girls Gone Wild" producer Joe Francis says he was abused while being held in an Oklahoma jail. Apparently the other inmates turned him into the object of affection for "Boys Gone Wild".

Food gifts at Christmas have gone up 50% over the past few years. The only gift being requested by people more than food during the holidays is a defibrillator.

A study says that turkey is not the reason people get tired after Thanksgiving dinner. It's more than likely from lifting all those pounds of food off the plate and into the mouth with just a little tiny fork.

A study says babies can tell good kids from bad kids as playmates. Which explains why Britney Spears' children always seem so lonely.

Pope Benedict XVI is calling for the end of the War in Iraq. Between that and the feud with Kanye West and Fifty Cent, he has no time for the rest of the world's problems.

A single church in New Jersey has raised a million dollars to help communities affected by Hurricane Katrina. FEMA says their efforts could buy as much as one trailer.

A 100 year old California woman has received an honorary high school diploma after dropping out of school in Alabama. Apparently the Bush Administration wanted to get her off the dropout list to boost the numbers for "No Child Left Behind".

With test scores continuing to slide, most high school diplomas awarded anymore are honorary.

Charges may be filed against former French President Jacque Chirac for giving contracts to people who never did any work while he was Mayor of Paris. In this country that crime is called "The Department of Civil Service".

The Dodge Charger is challenging the Ford Crown Victoria as the most bought police car. Apparently police departments still like the Crown Vic for the humiliation of making criminal suspects ride in a Ford.

Iranian President Ahmadinejad says the U.S. dollar is "worthless". Just wait until he tries to buy a house in California with a sub prime mortgage using Iranian Rials.

A Federal Court is considering a case that would make dollar bills able to be "read" by blind people. At the rate the dollar is devaluating, it will all be pretty much just worth the price of paper in another few months.

Boeing jet orders are topping their record level set in 2006. Apparently JetBlue is needing them as a place to keep its customers while they try to catch up with their schedule.

For the first time ever, there are two current-model cars with price tags of more than $1 Million. Those are just two basic models that are offered with full gas tanks.

The cars with $1 Million price tags are regular Ford models. The company just feels if they can sell a few of them they will help make up for losing billions of dollars on all their other cars.

An employee at a GM/Toyota plant says the company hid defects from customers and inspectors. Apparently they got away with it by attaching the cars with "Ford" logos.

Pete Sampras beat Roger Federer in an exhibition tennis match. Not to say Sampras is getting old, but the trainer had to be called out to help him open a can of tennis balls.

U.S. Weekly quotes a friend of Britney Spears who says she actually lost her virginity when she was 14 years old. Not only that, but she even had to lip sync her orgasm.

Wayne Newton has been given the OK by his doctors to go on a "Dancing With the Stars" tour. At first they weren't sure if his face lift and hair transplants could endure all that strain.

A study has discovered where peoples' false memories originate. Apparently it is most often from the White House or the Department of Justice.

Veterinarians say the numbers of dogs and cats with diabetes is increasing. It's getting so bad there is a new line of pet food called "Kibbles n' Bits n' Insulin".

Progressive Insurance is offering pet insurance that pays if a pet is injured or killed in a car crash. However, the policy is void if the pet is driving at the time of the accident.

Progressive says it will insure almost any pet. However, they won't insure Britney Spears' kids.

An exhibit is on display at the Kennedy Library commemorating President Kennedy's call for physical activity. Apparently Lee Harvey Oswald was out to pave the way for a generation of future couch potatoes.

Scientists have found a fossil from the world's largest bug, which grew to eight feet long. It it were still around today, it would be used at Taco Bell to scare away the rats.

AT&T is planning to sell equipment to monitor employees in the workplace. Who is going to buy that kind of equipment from a place that has employees like AT&T?

The Weather Channel is releasing a CD of background music they play during forecasts. It's called "Music To Get Wedgies By".

That will go in the collection right next to "Greatest Gregorian Chants".

A woman employee of the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas is suing Dennis Rodman for assault for rubbing against her and slapping her on the butt. Apparently Rodman was embarrassed that they both showed up wearing the same dress.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I think I'll slip right back into my tryptophan-induced post-Thanksgiving turkey coma. I hope you all had something to give thanks for this Holiday Weekend. Mostly that on a slow news week like this I wasn't able to crank out as many jokes as usual. Just another reason to send some pre-Christmas love my way...

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