Sunday, November 11, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...I am joining the Writer's Strike...I'll still work...I'll still make nothing...But I will be scowling the whole time.

A British woman was awakened from a coma with a sleeping pill. That begs the question, why do you give someone in a coma a sleeping pill?

A Swiss study says that teens that smoke marijuana may function better than those who smoke tobacco. This probably explains why the Swiss have no army and make tons of chocolate.

62% of people who downloaded the latest Radiohead CD paid nothing on a voluntary basis. Yet more than 300,000 people paid money for Britney Spears' latest CD. To which Radiohead announced they are no longer wearing underwear.

German model Giselle Bundchen insists she be paid in any currency besides American dollars. How weak has the dollar gotten that it can't even feed a supermodel?

The airline on time record in the U.S. is the worst it's been in thirteen years. That's amazing considering JetBlue hasn't even been around that long.

The airline on time record in the U.S. is the worst its been in thirteen years. Fortunately, a United Airlines flight that had been sitting on the tarmac since 1994 was finally able to take off.

A study says a lack of sleep can cause obesity in children. That makes sense. Less sleep means more time to feed their faces.

The New York Public Library has honored director Martin Scorsese for his work. The film going public had just one question about the award. "What's a library?"

Rudy Giuliani has prised indicted former Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik for his results in fighting crime. He also praised him for getting away with his own for so long before being caught.

A poll says 80% of U.S. adults use the Internet. The other 20% have been caught by their wives.

PetroChina has become the first company to be worth a trillion dollars. Meanwhile, ExxonMobil and Chevron have become the first companies to have executives worth a trillion dollars.

The U.S. says that 21,000 people who were not supposed to be allowed into the U.S. managed to slip past border security. To which a million illegals in California asked "There's border security?"

The California Supreme Court is considering a lawsuit asking that marijuana use be considered legal. Apparently California courts already allow heavy marijuana use by their juries, especially in celebrity murder cases.

Economic experts say that boat sales are an economic indicator, and that they are down. That could mean the economy is down. It could also mean that with the drought over half the U.S., there is no water to put any boats in.

Britney Spears has been ordered to pay $120,000 of Kevin Federline's legal fees. The court also ordered a similar amount be paid to him for singing lessons.

Kevin Federline's legal fees exceeded $154,000. You would think proving Britney Spears as an unfit mother would have been a lot cheaper than that.

A study says that marital stress may promote heart disease. This means that divorce costs and alimony may be written off as a health care deduction.

The House of Representatives has approved the first ban of job discrimination of gays. The Senate has already shown their support for gay employment by letting Senator Larry Craig keep his job.

General Motors has racked up a loss of $39 Billion, the second biggest loss in U.S. history. It was so bad, they even got a sympathy card from laid off workers at Ford.

A $39 Billion loss in a quarter comes out to $3 Billion a week. Even President Bush was asking how anyone could burn through that much money so fast.

Who is sitting on the Board of Directors over at GM, Congress?

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he may make a 10% across the board cut for the state's budget. People know he means business. He made the announcement while wearing his outfit from "Conan the Barbarian".

A study says overeating disrupts the body's natural cycle, the circadian clock. Apparently our bodies are used to three meals a day, instead of one long one that lasts all day.

Overeating disrupts the circadian clock, our body's natural timing. Apparently we are eating so much, our bodies don't even know which time zone we are in anymore.

A priest has been accused of stalking late night TV host Conan O'Brien. Apparently that skit he did while wearing an altar boy's costume has come back to haunt him.

Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue is leading the state in a prayer for rain. He's also praying that the Atlanta Falcons get another quarterback to replace Michael Vick soon.

Georgian Governor Sonny Perdue is praying for rain in the state's drought emergency. Apparently he is telling God that during the election he was praying for it to be "Sonny" in Georgia, not "Sunny".

Actor Mickey Rourke was arrested for DUI in Miami while riding a scooter. The police actually stopped him wondering how Mickey Rourke could afford a scooter.

Congressman Dennis Kucinich got a resolution calling for the impeachment of Vice President Cheney on the House Floor. Republican congressmen were surprised. They had no idea Cheney was having an affair.

A government report says women are absent from work twice as often as men. That means after following President Bush, if Hillary Clinton is elected President, she'll never be at the White House.

Wesley Snipes says the Florida county where his tax evasion trial is scheduled is too racist to be fair. He doesn't want it to be in California. He's saving that venue in case he ever murders someone.

The FTC says millions of dollars are being stolen every year through coupon scams. They say it's so bad, people arrested in those cases are coming to court with coupons advertising half off their sentence.

New Jersey is voting on whether to abolish the death sentence in the state. Legislators know the prospect of a life sentence in New Jersey is much more of a deterrent than the death penalty.

The death penalty only applies in New Jersey if you offend the mob in New York.

A Taco Bell restaurant in Minnesota fired a manager after working there for thirty years. The toughest part was having to say goodbye to the seventh and eighth generation rats she worked with.

A high school football team in Kansas has outscored its opponents 704-0 this season. The team wanted to pad its numbers even more, but the Miami Dolphins already had a full schedule.

A survey says that Chicago is the most caffeinated city in the country. Mostly from Cubs fans trying to stay awake during their games.

New York is the least caffeinated city in the country. Actually, in New York City, people use caffeine to wind down.

A peanut factory worker in Virginia was found dead under a pile of peanuts. Apparently he died of shell shock.

Hillary Clinton is coming under fire after a staffer planted a question in the audience at a forum. She should adopt the policy of President Bush, and just plant the entire audience.

Conservative website Newsmax has given Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice a C- grade on job performance. President Bush gave her kudos on giving it the old college try.

Congress is taking on the tobacco industry with a plan for a large tax increase on cigarettes. That's just congressional code for lobbyists to start writing out the campaign donation checks.

Presidential candidate Fred Thompson says he is in favor of reducing benefits for future retirees to help cut the federal deficit. Of course, in the Bush economy "future retiree" is an oxymoron.

United Airlines may ground one hundred planes to cut fuel cost. An alternative would be to actually try to take off on time for once and stop burning thousands of gallons of fuel on the runway.

Ford reported a third quarter loss of $380 million. Or as Ford calls that, almost fooling the car buying public.

Ford's new motto is "Losses that start with an "M" are better than those that begin with "B".

John Edwards has been endorsed by a group founded by Ben of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream. In this country, you can never go wrong in getting a lock on the fat vote.

The National Toy Hall of Fame in Rochester, NY has inducted Raggedy Andy, the Atari 2600 and the kite. Those are pretty much the last toys available in this country that don't contain lead paint.

A suspicious envelope was sent to the Ft. Lauderdale office of Rep. Ron Klein that caused the building to be evacuated. As far as congressmen are concerned, a suspicious envelope is anything that isn't stuffed with cash.

President Bush has dropped to a 31% approval rate, while congress is at 25%. There are almost more people in this country would let Britney Spears babysit their kids than trust the government to do its job.

One of the last two survivors of the Titanic has died. Barbara West Dainton was 96 years old. Her last words were "The Titanic went down fast, but nothing like the dollar."

The Reagan Library can't locate 80,000 objects due to haphazard record keeping and inventory procedures. In other words, it runs like every other branch of the government.

Sim Jae-duck, South Korea's "Mr. Toilet" has built his own home to resemble a toilet. Apparently it was built to reflect the sub prime mortgage he has on the house.

A judge has ruled an Oregon teacher has no right to take a semiautomatic handgun to school. Apparently the judge felt detention is usually punishment enough.

A New York City man located a woman admired on the subway by starting a web page. Whatever happened to the old fashioned way of the subway, when romance always started with a grope?

175,000 Curious George toys made in China were recalled for lead paint. Apparently George finally became curious about his headaches, constant fatigue and nausea.

Senator Joseph Biden has filed to get public money for his campaign. Apparently his other attempt at getting public money by washing windshields at an intersection wasn't very successful.

NASA's internal watchdog says it will audit an $11.3 Million report on air safety that was withheld from the public. NASA says it will just need another $11.3 Million to perform the audit.

The U.S. and European Union are telling China to play by the rules regarding trade. Unfortunately the China rule book is written in lead paint.

Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor says it may take a magic wand to fix the nation's court system. Just like the one the Supreme Court used to decide the 2000 Presidential election.

Broadway stagehands are on strike, shutting down two dozen plays and musicals. Broadway hasn't been this empty since the Gay Pride Parade.

Ford is debuting the Mustang "Bullitt", a tribute to road rage and freeway shootings. Possibly also the Steve McQueen movie with the same name.

South Korea researchers have picked the Koala as the new robotic pet because of its laziness. The Australian marsupial barely beat out the Best Buy Salesperson.

A survey shows that "Harry Potter" is the most re-read book in Britain. People apparently are going back to see how they missed guessing that Dumbledore is gay.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has tried to intervene in the Writer's Strike. He says writers performed the difficult task of keeping all his lines in movies to less than three words.

A survey shows that Montana has a youth substance abuse rate much higher than the national average. That's what happens when all the Hollywood stars decide they want to buy ranches.

Arkansas state employees can earn days off by quitting smoking and eating a healthy diet. What good is a day off if you can't enjoy it?

An anti-smoking shot holds promise for taking away the buzz people get from nicotine. Their co-workers can also get a shot to take the place of second hand smoke.

A DNA sample taken from former Notre Dame football player George Gipp turned out negative for a paternity test. Gipp died in 1920. Isn't it a little late for a claim for child support?

A study says that smoking deaths may double by the year 2030. Ten million people could die from smoking each year by then. The question is, by then where will anyone even be able to smoke?

Education Secretary Margaret Spellings is complaining that different states calculate graduation rates in different ways. How can kids be expected to learn when even the schools can't get the math straight?

Archbishop Danial DiNardo has become the first Cardinal from Texas. If he ever becomes Pope, he will be the one wearing the ten gallon Mitre.

A New York City restaurant is offering a $25,000 dessert. People were amazed at the cost. Usually in New York you can buy an entire meal for that.

A 2,400 year old shipwreck off a Greek island held ancient containers of salad dressing. Even more amazing was that it was bottles of "Newman's Own" dressing.

A men's clothing boutique has moved in to the old site for the punk rock bar CBGB. Varvatos sells upscale clothing, but will rip and shred it on request.

Roger Clemens says he may pitch for the U.S. Olympic Baseball Team in 2008. The best part is, he says he is asking only $25 Million.

A study says that being a little overweight is not a problem for most people. The only problem for most people is being only a little overweight.

A study says that "Arthur" and "Barney" are OK for young children to watch, but "Rugrats" and "Power Rangers" are not. The trick is making sure your kids don't admit to watching "Arthur" and "Barney" to the other kids at school.

A study has revealed the source of false memories, where people remember things that didn't actually happen. Like the time most guys dated Jessica Alba.

A driverless SUV from Carnegie Mellon University won the $2 Million top prize in a robot race sponsored by the Pentagon. The vehicle was much safer than a normal SUV because it wasn't being driven by someone talking on the cell phone while trying to change the CD.

A jersey worn by Yankee legend Lou Gehrig sold for $402,000. These days it takes Alex Rodriguez nearly three games to earn that much money.

Michael Vick has fired one of his lawyers in his dog fighting case. He is looking for someone who is hungry, and ready for a real fight. Just like his dogs.

Notre Dame has lost its 9th game for the first time in school history, with their record dropping to 1-9. When George Gipp said "Win one for the Gipper", he didn't mean for the whole season.

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays have changed their name. Now they are just the "Rays". But they still play like hell.

Dennis Rodman has been rebuffed in his bid to coach a WNBA team. Apparently the league feels with Rodman in charge, the team will always be a bridesmaid. Or at least Rodman will.

Forbes says the Toronto Maple Leafs are the most valuable team in the NHL at $413 Million. Of course, before the dollar devaluated, the team was worth $74.23.

Roger Federer says he may play tennis for another nine years. His plan is to finish with more money, more trophies and more hair than Andre Agassi.

German tennis pro Tommy Haas says he was poisoned in Russia before a Davis Cup match. Apparently the Russians are confusing tennis players with spies because of those old "I Spy" TV shows.

Haas says he hasn't felt that bad after a meal in his life. At least when the meal didn't consist of Haggis.

A Japanese company has invented an "exploding piggy bank" which "blows up" if money isn't put in within a certain time frame. In the U.S. we also have exploding banks. They are called Countrywide Banks.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Remember, while Hollywood has deserted your comedy needs, I am still here. Maybe not for your comedy needs, but I am still here in any event. So before you go back to watching reruns, make sure you remember to send some of the love my way...

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