Sunday, October 21, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers... It's almost Halloween...To scare everyone, this year I'm going as the president of Exxon...

A government report says that workers who have jobs where they tend to the elderly, change diapers or serve food and drinks suffer the most from depression. Especially if their job requires performing all those tasks at the same time.

The most depressed person of all would have to be the person who compiled that report.

The most depressed person of all would be someone who has to do any of those tasks especially if they have a college degree.

Scientists are working on a new type of dental filling that doesn't require drilling teeth. Most dentists say they aren't planning to use the new technology, saying "What fun is that?"

Even dentists who use the technology will still enjoy the practice of drilling your wallet.

Paris Hilton is vowing to "Leave a mark on the world". Unfortunately, that mark is a cold sore.

A study in Chicago is looking into the possibility of there being a genetic link to being gay. That's why President Bush is against gay marriage. He says if two gay men get married then they could start having gay children.

A New York City bride is suing a flower company for $400,000 because they decorated her wedding with the wrong color flowers. She is registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond Belief.

A California dentist says he gave female patients breast rubs as a treatment for TMJ. People became suspicious when he had his dentist chairs fitted with stirrups.

Consumer Reports magazine says that the quality of Toyota cars is slipping. Apparently it is a strategy to win over traditional Ford buyers.

Senator Larry Craig told Matt Lauer he is the victim of "Gladiator politics". He then asked Lauer if he would like to join him in watching a Gladiator movie sometime.

Shahadeh Abu Arrar, a 58 year old Bedouin man has 67 children and is looking for another wife, even though he is living in poverty. Apparently Abu Arrar translates in English to "Federline".

Jimmy Kimmel has been banned from "Monday Night Football" because of disparaging comments he made about Joe Theismann. Football fans were shocked. There is still "Monday Night Football"?

The saddest part of the telecast is that Frank Gifford keeps showing up each week asking if they are ready for his comeback.

Pamela Anderson says it was a poker debt that led to her wedding to Rick Solomon. Nothing like an old fashioned love story to be able to tell the grandchildren in years to come.

Pamela Anderson's ex-husbands Kid Rock and Tommy Lee fought at the VMAs, and now she gets married to Rick Solomon from a poker debt. What is this, Tombstone Arizona?

A British think tank says that obesity is a result of modern life. Like having a job where you sit on your behind all day and get paid to think.

Parents around the country are faking religious exemptions as the reason to avoid vaccinations for their children. Then they can save their real religious beliefs for when they need it most, when their health care plan denies them coverage.

Political experts say Hillary Clinton is showing her femininity to court older, married women. To even things out, Bill Clinton is spending his time courting younger, single women.

A Maine middle school is offering birth control to children as young as eleven. The policy has done nothing to lessen the children's obsessive fear about catching Cooties.

A study says that short people have unhealthy attitudes and are in poorer physical and mental health than taller people. So all this time Randy Newman was right!

Short people are in poorer mental and physical health. That explains Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah's couch and taking on Matt Lauer.

Screeners at Los Angeles Airport missed 75% of fake bombs that went through security. But they didn't miss one under wire bra that set off a metal detector.

Screeners at Los Angeles Airport missed 75% of fake bombs. However, the X-ray machine was able to identify every set of fake boobs that went through security.

A man wearing a gas mask scared Annie Lennox when he approached the stage at one of her concerts. Apparently the man was wearing the gas mask because he mistakenly thought it was an Ashley Simpson concert.

San Francisco wants to open a legal safe-injection room where addicts can shoot up under the supervision of nurses. They are even considering furnishing it with a Barcalounger for when Barry Bonds needs some steroids.

German politicians are criticizing Presidents Bush and Putin for talking about World War III and military modernization. You know you're in trouble when the Germans are taking you to task for being too aggressive.

A chartered flight carrying the USC football team to a game against Notre Dame was tossed by a storm and had to abort a landing attempt. Even God was trying his best to keep Notre Dame from being embarrassed again.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy says he wants privacy following his divorce. If a French politician wants privacy, he should become Minister of Defense.

The President of South Korea says that North Korea wants better ties with the U.S. That's bound to get the same reaction as someone in a Broncos jersey going to a Raiders game and asking for a group hug.

The FDA says that Viagra and other impotence drugs could cause hearing loss in men. Is that a problem? Men who don't suffer from impotence will take the drugs so they don't have to listen to their wives.

Britney Spears is being accused of running over a photographer's foot while driving away. That got as much sympathy as if O.J. Simpson stabbed Robert Blake.

The head of the Justice Department's Voting Rights Division told a group that minorities are more likely to die before reaching old age. He later clarified his remarks, saying he was talking only about rappers.

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas rejected reporters' insinuating he follows Justice Antonin Scalia's votes. Actually he was about to answer when Scalia jumped in and said "I'll take this one, Clarence".

Philadelphia is increasing the rent for the Boy Scouts headquarters building to $200,000 a year instead of one dollar a year because they discriminate against gays. If Scouts would admit gays, not only would they save the money, but the building wouldn't be decorated in all khaki.

A study says that obese children are showing early signs of heart disease. It's so bad, they're coming out with Flintstones Vitamins nitroglycerin tablets.

"Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling has outed Headmaster Dumbledore as being gay. The rumor first started when he was treated for a bad case of Hogwarts.

The University of California Riverside offered a cockroach petting zoo as part of a recruitment fair. In other words, they opened the dormitories.

The White House says President Bush would like to see lower oil prices. To which Vice President Cheney said "Not while I'm in charge!"

The IRS says casinos must report poker tournament winnings for tax purposes. That just makes it easier for players to keep a poker face, knowing most their winnings will go to taxes.

Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito says few people would watch if the court sessions were televised. There really isn't a reason for most people to watch, other than to see what Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg is wearing.

There could be a real battle for ratings between the Supreme Court and the Watching Paint Dry Channel.

People watching the Supreme Court Channel would be treated to the high fives between Justices Thomas and Scalia every time they rule torture as acceptable under the Constitution.

Research shows that Neanderthals may have talked. Although it now looks like researchers may have accidentally gotten their information from watching all the "Rocky" movies.

An Australian man was so drunk after being attacked by a crocodile, he fell asleep before seeking medical attention. There is no other way this story could have started other than with "An Australian man".

Oil is now up to $90 a barrel. President Bush laughed it off, saying the joke is on the oil producers, because the dollar is so devalued, it is now worth only about three cents.

A surgeon has invented a vest that video players can use to feel shots, stabbings and beatings. It can be used with Grand Theft Auto, military video games and American Idol Play Station.

A Travel & Leisure Magazine survey says that Philadelphia is the home of the least attractive people in the U.S. Of course, that was based on the looks on people's faces after leaving a Phillies game.

The survey says that Miami and San Diego have the most attractive people. Of course they are really nothing more than Philadelphians with silicon and Botox.

An FBI raid of magician David Copperfield's warehouse yielded $2 Million in cash. Agents also found a hat, rabbit and several decks of cards.

A government report warns that most British citizens could be obese by 2050. The U.S. is already there thanks to a 40 year head start on McDonald's.

A dentist shortage in the National Health Service is plaguing Britain. The health care profession is shocked. When did they get dentists in Britain?

Archaeologists have found evidence that prehistoric humans used makeup and enjoyed seafood 164,000 years ago. Apparently it was some sort of clambake hosted by Cher.

A new exhibit of the Apocalypse at the Vatican gives a bright and almost devil-free image of the end of the world. Apparently it just depicts the Cubs winning the World Series.

A 75 year old Virginia woman was fined and given a suspended sentence after attacking a Comcast Cable office with a hammer. The woman claimed a technician showed up two days late. And that was just to take a coffee break.

Ironically, the woman will probably get a reality show out of the deal.

The Sands Casino in Atlantic City was imploded in just seventeen seconds. The only problem was finding something for the casino's guests to do during that 17 seconds where they couldn't gamble.

The principal architect of the Iraqi Constitution says the Iraqi government is a failure, and that it is made of patently incompetent men in important positions. In other words, we have succeeded in making Iraq just like the U.S.

The inquiry into the Guantanamo Bay contraband underwear smuggling incident has ended without finding the source. The military says it will just have to file the necessary briefs.

The incident was first discovered when prison guards claimed it was cruel and unusual punishment for them to have to see prisoners walking around in Speedos.

Iran says it can launch 11,000 missiles within the first minute of an attack. After that, they pretty much will just run like heck.

McDonald's profit has jumped 27% in the third quarter of 2007. The only thing bigger than their profit margin is their customers' behinds.

76% of U.S. customers say they will avoid buying toys made in China because of safety fears. No Chinese toys pretty much guarantees kids around the country a Christmas nightmare of socks, underwear and books.

Cruise control parts for 1.25 Million recalled Fords are not ready yet. This is assuming that Fords can get up to freeway speed in order to need cruise control in the first place.

A California broker is offering 250,000 airline miles for a mortgage of a half million dollars or more. That way, when their home goes into foreclosure they can get a flight on JetBlue and have a place to stay for a few months while awaiting takeoff.

Wal-Mart has recalled animal toy sets from China because of lead paint. If the U.S. is ever attacked with nuclear weapons, our kids can protect themselves by hiding under all their lead painted toys.

A survey says that computers are the number one item on Christmas wish lists. Coming in second and third are peace and happiness. War and misery can wait until we secure our ability to get porn.

Michael Vick is selling his Georgia home for $4.5 million. It has seven bedrooms, eight bathrooms and twenty six doggie doors.

Yankee Manager Joe Torre says he was "insulted" by a one year contract offer from the Yankees for $5 Million. That's not an insult. An insult is being asked to manage Tampa Bay for any amount.

Joe Torre was offered a broadcaster position during the World Series. He said after being made an offer to work for Fox, the Yankee offer actually seemed like an honor.

Golfer Michele Wie's agent resigned after representing her for a year. Even an agent can figure out that 10% of zero is zero.

Michele Wie lost her second agent in two years. Even Rory Sabbatini is saying she needs to lighten up.

Rolling Stone guitarist Ron Wood says Keith Richards pulled a gun and knife on him to get him to quit his cocaine habit. The best way for Richards to get someone to quit doing drugs is to have them look at Keith Richards.

Donald Trump says Angelina Jolie is not a real beauty. In other words, Donald Trump has just announced he is gay.

Apparently Trump's comb over got in his eyes and he thought Jolie was Bigfoot.

Trump says he knows beauty. He owns three beauty pageants: Miss USA, Miss Universe and his ex-wives.

Clay Aiken is joining the Broadway cast of "Spamalot". Who would have ever suspected Aiken would some day end up on Broadway singing show tunes?

"Spamalot" is the answer to the question, "What does Clay Aiken do when he is alone in his dressing room?"

The Center for Disease Control says school meals have been getting healthier. Kids are eating nutritious food. They are eating three times as much, but it is healthier stuff.

A report says that on any given day, a half million teens get high. And they all live in Beverly Hills.

On any given day, a half million teens get high. The rest want to keep their heads clear while they are having sex with their teachers.

A report says that the cancer death rate is dropping dramatically. Mostly because kids are dying from lead poisoning from Chinese toys before they live long enough to get cancer.

A study says that having feminist partners is linked to healthier, more romantic heterosexual relationships. A perfect example is Bill Clinton. He has a feminist partner, and several more romantic heterosexual relationships.

Researchers say that human hands and feet come from the same gene that forms fins in fish. That's a sad irony to keep in mind for fishermen the next time they are busy gutting their catch for the day.

The U.S. is one of the top countries that Google the word "burrito", but not one of the top countries that Google "sex". That's when the obesity problem has gotten out of hand. When Americans are more curious about food than sex.

Former Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Rogers is seeking a pardon for a 1970 conviction for larceny. Rogers figures if O.J. can get away with murder, he should be able to slide with a little larceny.

Rogers' 1970 was the biggest crime involving the Heisman Trophy since it was awarded to Chris Weinke in 2000.

PGA Tour golfers needed to win more than $700,000 this past season to retain their tour card. That means Tiger Woods had to play nearly three rounds of golf to qualify for next year.

Bobby Jindal, the son of Indian immigrants is the new Governor of Florida. The new state motto will be "Thank you, come again."

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers...As usual the jokes and the laughs (hopefully) are on the house. Just don't forget to tip your server by sending the love!

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