Saturday, October 06, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers... It's baseball playoff time, or as the Dodgers call it, stretching the season to 165 games...

Google is reportedly worth $182 Billion. Apparently when they picked the name "Google", they were estimating how much money it would eventually generate.

The money that Google is generating is going to their heads. Now when you "Google" something, it tells you to look it up yourself.

Ford's U.S. sales were down 21% in September. The auto industry was shocked. Ford has U.S. sales?

Three California high school students were arrested in a melee that started when a piece of birthday cake was dropped. How fat are we getting that cake is now the cause of high school fights?

A CBS employee was arrested for offering an 11 year old boy football tickets in exchange for sex. The boy turned the man in when he found out he was trying to offer him Raiders tickets.

Congressional Democrats are proposing an income tax surcharge to fund the war in Iraq. Opponents say the tax should be on oil and gasoline since that's what started the war in the first place.

Arizona State University has told a high school in Virginia to stop using the "Sun Devils" nickname, claiming trademark infringement. In a related story, the Cleveland Indians have told the Navajo Nation to quit calling themselves "Indians".

In a related story, the Pope has told the St. Louis baseball team to drop the moniker "Cardinals".

A New York woman is being accused of prostitution and snorting cocaine off the stomach of her newborn baby while she breast fed it. At last, a woman who actually makes Britney Spears look like a fit mother.

A Massachusetts woman who got a sex change operation wants to get a tax deduction for the surgery. The IRS says it was cosmetic, but may allow it if the woman files a joint return.

The number of obese Americans outnumber those in Europe by nearly double. We have double the fat people because our people have just plain doubled.

America has double the number of obese people in Europe. The sea isn't rising because of global warming. We're so fat, the continent is sinking.

The census is wrong. America doesn't have 300 million people. We still have 200 million people just like in the 60s. We're so fat it just seems like there are 300 million.

O.J. Simpson has been ordered to give his Rolex watch to Ron Goldman. It's estimated to be worth between $5,000 and $20,000. The judge feels that pretty soon O.J. will be keeping time by making scratches on his prison cell wall.

A survey says that 70% of Americans want funding cut for the war in Iraq. The survey also shows that 100% of Americans want funding cut for Congress.

Rudy Giuliani visited a Philadelphia cheese steak shop that requires people to order in English. That's just another sign that Giuliani is trying to distance himself from President Bush.

The question is, how does a place requiring people to order in English stay in business in Philadelphia? Has anyone ever seen the movie "Rocky"?

Conservative Republicans are considering a third party run for the White House. Apparently they think they won't win the presidency, but the way things have been going they will still finish ahead of the Democrats.

So far the only person signing up to try to get on the ticket is Ralph Nader.

Los Angeles Sheriff's Deputies are being accused of holding contests to see who can arrest the most people. Meanwhile, L.A. juries are running contests to see who can acquit the most murderers.

Two California cities are voting to outlaw smoking in apartment buildings. However, tenants can still get all the smoky air they want by cracking a window.

The number of airline delays rose in August. The really bad news is that were from flights that were supposed to take off in July.

The Archbishop of St. Louis says he would not offer communion to Rudy Giuliani. If Rudy is denied one sacrament, he'll just make up for it with more of another, like marriage.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il is denying rumors that he is sick. He is still completely insane, but not physically sick.

A California man was arrested for stealing a computer and photos from the new "Indiana Jones" movie. What's worse is that he almost got away with Harrison Ford's walker.

Senator John McCain says that money is not that important. His fund raising is so bad that in the first three quarters he has reported donations of three quarters.

McCain says money isn't important. Votes are what counts. Unfortunately at this stage he has neither.

Rudy Giuliani is comparing Hillary Clinton to George McGovern. Which apparently means that he fancies himself as another Nixon.

Anita Hill says that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas' new book is "beneath the court". Apparently that means that Justice Scalia has been using a copy as his booster seat.

Senator John McCain says President Bush made several mistakes after 9/11. Mostly running for re-election.

Iran's foreign minister says the U.S. can't afford another war. Can't afford another war? We can't afford Iraq.

Iran's foreign minister says the U.S. can't afford a war with Iran. To which Halliburton replied, "That's it, we're out of here!"

Former Fed Chief Alan Greenspan says the odds of a recession in the U.S. are between a third and a half. Which means by next year we will all be worth a third to a half of what we are now.

Senator Larry Craig, who was arrested for soliciting sex in an airport restroom says he will not resign from the Senate. He is adamant about not giving up his seat. Isn't that what got him into trouble in the first place?

An Indiana teacher was arrested after showing up drunk at school. Apparently she felt she had to get loosened up a bit before hitting on her boy students.

An Idaho woman was forced to take off her under wire bra to get into court after it set off a metal detector. Apparently justice is still blind, but it still likes to cop a feel once in awhile.

A judge won't postpone the tax trial of Wesley Snipes. Apparently Snipes thought he could take care of it by filing another extension.

Sinead O'Connor says she suffered depression for years and would cry for no reason. Just a thought, but could it have been because she shaved her head bald for all those year?

A man who lost his amputated leg when he hid it in a smoker that was later sold may have to sue to get it back. To pay for a lawyer, he'll now have to amputate an arm as well.

Congress is proposing a plan that would make provisions in case terrorists kill a large number of congressmen. What do you call a group that would want to do away with congressmen en masse? Taxpayers.

Mitt Romney has become his own biggest campaign donor, giving himself $17.5 Million. Dennis Kucinich has also become his own biggest campaign donor, writing himself a check for $38.42.

A State Department official admits that corruption in Iraq is a serious problem, but won't say if the Iraqi Prime Minister is involved. That all depends on whether Halliburton has to pay him any hush money.

O.J. Simpson's Rolex has been determined to be a fake that was made in China. Apparently he has turned to killing people with lead paint.

A 54 year old former Google manager is suing for age discrimination after being fired. Google says 30 year olds get fired for being too old. They feel 54 year olds belong in a museum.

Consumer borrowing was up in August. People are now using credit cards to buy things since they can't borrow on their home equity after they defaulted on their mortgage.

Mitt Romney has raised $10 Million in the past three months. He did it by campaigning aggressively, using the Internet for donations and writing himself a $10 Million check.

Boy Scout badges were recalled for containing lead paint. The badges were made in China. The irony was that they were on a merit badge awarded for "Safety".

A Washington State law that bans candidates from deliberately lying about their opponents was declared unconstitutional. Apparently the court was worried about the repercussions if politicians started telling the truth.

A poll says that President Bush and congress have reached new lows in popularity. Bush is at 31% and congress at 22%. Even E.coli is pulling better numbers these days.

Even Larry Craig is telling the other members of congress to clean up their act.

Medford, Oregon is outsourcing its public libraries. An outside company will manage the libraries for a profit. Apparently they will make money by charging perverts who expose themselves to patrons.

A Justice Department memo has prompted President Bush to say that "This administration doesn't torture people". All of that is done with outsourcing to mercenaries.

A new prototype phone gives a fitness check to its user. The phone checks body fat and times jogs. What it needs now is the ability to tell people how annoying their cell phone has made them.

Insects swarmed the field at the Indians-Yankees game Friday night. That's the most bugs ever seen at an athletic event not involving the New England Patriots.

A New York man publishes a newsletter showcasing the most expensive destinations in New York and Los Angeles. So far the most expensive destinations are New York and Los Angeles.

The newsletter highlights restaurants that offer $1,000 pizza and omelets. That's almost twice the average going price in New York.

An Indiana airport was evacuated after an improperly screened urn containing human remains got through security. The fact that so many flights were delayed meant the deceased really made an ash of themself.

Barack Obama's campaign is hoping to surprise Hillary Clinton in Iowa. Just having a black man show up in Iowa should surprise pretty much everyone.

President Bush denies there is a plan to attack Iran. Like Iraq, he prefers to attack countries without having a plan.

Al Gore is considered by many to be a front runner for the Nobel Peace Prize. Not for his work on global warming. For keeping the Clintons together for eight years in the White House.

A Virginia congressman wants to establish a "National Telework Week" where people stay at home to work to save energy. The committee considering the bill then adjourned to their private and corporate jets to fly to their home districts for the weekend.

A new video game "Booze Cruise" for teenagers simulates drunk driving along with blurry vision and slowed reflexes. Otherwise known as "Virtual Saturday Night".

Apparently teens can pick which celebrity teenager they want to be, Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan.

Britney Spears' new CD is titled "Blackout". Apparently it is autobiographical in nature.

The number of children on heartburn and digestive problem medication has gone up 56%. The problem could probably be solved by cutting back portions 56%.

An X-Ray technique may take the place of traditional colonoscopies. However, the patient will still have the same sensation of the old method when they get the doctor's bill.

Iowa residents reported seeing a flaming object over the weekend. Scientists theorize it was just Dennis Kucinich's campaign hopes.

The Chinese are hoping to get men to the moon before the U.S. can make a return trip. The Chinese want to get there to take down the last American flags in existence that weren't made in China.

An asteroid was named for "Star Trek" actor George Takei who played "Sulu". In a related story, William Shattner was officially designated a planet.

A city in China is clamping down on polluting factories. Apparently the toxins are causing the lead paint used on exports to America to peel.

Caloric Restriction is a new diet where people eat 20-30% less than normally recommended. In other words, they eat as much as people in countries other than America.

Caloric Restriction dieters eat 20-30% less in order to lose weight. Or as Nicole Richey calls it, "Thanksgiving Dinner".

Bill Clinton says Hillary wants him to help rebuild the tarnished reputation of the U.S. is she becomes President. If anyone has experience in trying to rebuild a tarnished reputation, it is Bill Clinton.

48% of Republicans want a President who takes a different approach than President Bush. The other 52% have become Democrats.

An Alabama couple celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary. The 25th is the Silver Anniversary. The 50th is the Golden Anniversary. The 80th is the "What's Your Name Again?" Anniversary.

The Plaza Hotel in New York turns 100 years old. The hotel was built for $17 Million, which is now the cost of one night in the penthouse suite.

Wal-Mart is lowering prices already in anticipation of Christmas. The store figures they had better act now while people still have some money to spend before they are outsourced or have their mortgage foreclosed.

The New York Yankees' team salary worked out to $2 Million per win. The Tampa Bay Devil Rays say they won't put a price on winning, since they haven't figured out how to win yet.

Ford is expected to seek job cuts in their negotiations with the UAW. Industry experts are surprised. Ford has employees?

Blind people say the new hybrid automobiles are a safety risk, as they can't hear them coming down the road. They give Fords their highest marks, as you can hear them coming from miles away.

An Indian entrepreneur is charging $4 for people to sit on a plane that never takes off. It has one wing, no lights and no working restrooms. In the U.S. we call that Frontier Airlines.

Passengers pay $4 to be waited on by a flight attendant. In the U.S. that costs $1,000 and is called "First Class".

A report says that air safety is up 65% over the past ten years. That's because there are 65% fewer planes in the air at any time due to overcrowding.

Notre Dame is in Pasadena for the first time since 1925 with Knute Rockne. Instead of "Win one for the Gipper", It's "Come on, let's just win ONE, please?".

UCLA and basketball coach Ben Howland have agreed to a seven year contract. That means he may stick around long enough to see one of his players actually graduate.

Olympic gold medalist Marion Jones admitted lying about taking steroids. She says she is sorry ands asked for forgiveness. She then refused to answer questions and left with her entourage in a limousine.

Sharon Osbourne says she and Ozzy have signed an assisted suicide pact that goes into effect if one of them suffers a mentally degenerative disease. Which means Ozzy goes in on Tuesday.

A study says U.S. health costs may be higher than the rest of the world because Americans are so fat. If that's the case, insurance companies will pretty soon start charging premiums by the pound.

Topps Meat of New Jersey went out of business after recalling 21.7 Million pounds of beef. Or as McDonald's calls that, "lunch".

Doctors are reporting rare heart attacks in children as young as twelve. Apparently the kids are suffering from stress from their after school activities. Mostly as altar boys.

An Ohio family had their third child, with all three sharing October 2nd as their birthday. The husband can pretty much count out sex this coming New Year's Eve. (You know you're going to count back the nine months...)

Scientists say they may have found a purpose for the appendix. Apparently it is a sure and easy source of income for surgeons.

A startup website will offer speed dating based on a three minute video chat. Who is going to take the word of computer geeks who have the ability to start up a web site that it is going to help attract dates?

Ohio State University researchers say they can use eggshells to make hydrogen to run fuel cells in cars. This way people can have an artery clogging omelet in the morning, then use the shells to drive to the hospital when they have their heart attack.

The USOC says Chicago is not the front runner for Olympic sites in 2016. Apparently it wasn't a good move to make Steve Bartman the committee chairman.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am publishing a day early so I can drive from West Virginia to Kansas. You can make up your own remarks, I will get in trouble no matter what I say...As the White Stripes put it, "I'm going to Wichita, far from this opera for evermore"...Whatever the heck that means...Just remember, while I am on the road make sure to fill up the love and send it along!




















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