Sunday, October 28, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers... It's that awkward season for me...The Dodgers were eliminated long ago, and the Raiders are already out of it...

A study says that women who cry are judged more harshly than men who cry. Unless the man is crying because he wrecked his Ferrari.

Hillary Clinton says she will reverse the power grabbing of George W. Bush if she is elected President. She says she will even give up some of the power he has attained. She just wants to be able to wiretap Bill's phone without a warrant to find out what he's up to.

A U.N. nuclear expert says Iran is three to eight years away from building a nuclear weapon. They are probably more concerned about the three to eight weeks they have from being invaded by the U.S.

Bill Clinton sent an e-mail to his supporters wishing Hillary a happy 60th birthday. He says he never imagined himself sleeping with a 60 year old women. Now, two 30 year old women, plenty of times.

President Bush gave a speech detailing the administration's strategies for Cuba. They include free speech, fair elections and political prisoner reform. To which Fidel Castro replied, "After you!"

Tennis pro Nikolay Davydenko was fined $2,000 for tanking a recent tennis match. The referee became suspicious when he showed up for the final set in his street clothes.

A jury found an 83 year old Wisconsin man guilty of soliciting a prostitute. There's a word for an 83 year old man still out carousing for sex. The first one that comes to mind is "legend".

If he wasn't out soliciting for sex, the man no doubt would have been throwing his Social Security money away on things like medication and dentures.

The man was a WWII veteran. He has given to his country, and he was just looking to get some.

The man didn't have a chance. The women on the jury thought he was a pervert, and the men were jealous.

A study shows that newly married women in their late teens and 20s gain an average of 24 pounds in the first five years of marriage, while men gain about 30 pounds. Researchers say the hardest part was finding people who stayed married five years.

The study showed that newly married people gain a lot of weight, which makes them pretty much like every other American.

FEMA is being accused of holding a fake news conference about the California fires. The questions were all asked by FEMA employees. When confronted about getting softball questions that were written by the agency, it was explained that Fox News was unable to send a reporter.

There hasn't been such a staged, phony and non-informational news conference in Washington since...every other news conference.

Senator John McCain marked the 40th anniversary of his being shot down over Vietnam. It also is the 8th anniversary of being shot down by George W. Bush over Iowa in2000.

The Dalai Lama visited Purdue University and said he had "no answer" about the Iraq War. But he did say the Big Ten rules college football.

The Dalai Lama has "no answer" about the war in Iraq. You know you are in trouble when one of the world's most recognized spiritual leaders says you are on your own.

Apparently Bush has succeeded in turning the war in Iraq into a Rubik's Cube intertwined in a Gordian Knot.

A 14 year old Chicago girl is suing to do away with a recently passed "moment of silence" law. She's not suing on religious grounds. It's just that a 14 year old can't possibly stay silent for an entire moment.

Authorities say California residents will face weeks of hardships even after the wildfires are put out. Not the people who have lost homes. The ones whose homes made it and they have to keep finding money to pay the mortgage.

Authorities say the Italian Mob is in a decline, that it is nothing more than an illicit mom and pop operation. It's gone from "The Godfather" to "The Weird Uncle Who Still Wears A Fedora".

Instead of "whacking" an opponent, they take up all the handicapped parking spaces at the retirement home.

A poll says that 34% of all Americans believe in ghosts and UFOs. A more astonishing 22% believe the Cubs will win the World Series some day.

Researchers say that vitamins A, C and E may improve the lung functions in smokers. Long time smokers are just curious as to how to get those pills into a cigarette.

Researchers say that obesity may be caused by viruses. Especially when those viruses live in a seven layered cake.

Britney Spears' mother is writing a book on parenting. It sounds like she has already passed on her own mothering abilities to Britney.

Britney Spears' mother is writing a book on parenting. Hopefully there will be a chapter about how to get your children to put on some underwear.

Britney Spears' mother is writing a parenting book. What's next, a cook book by Nicole Richey?

Wildfire pollution in Southern California could pose a health threat of its own. It could prove hazardous to residents unless they can mix it with more familiar pollutants, like car exhaust.

A study says that most Hispanic immigrants believe their future is in the U.S. There are also millions of their relatives still in Mexico who believe their future will soon be in the U.S.

Mattel has recalled an additional 38,000 Go, Diego, Go! toys because of lead paint. They are changing the name to Go, Diego, Go to the ER!

The U.S. is getting ready to order diplomats to serve in the Embassy in Iraq. State Department employees are confused. There is diplomacy in Iraq?

How bad are things getting when the government comes up with a draft for diplomats?

The San Diego Chargers are playing their game Sunday at home against the Houston Texans. The league was going to postpone the game, but they figured having the fire refugees still in Qualcomm Stadium was about the only way to get a crowd for such a mediocre game.

A new product combines a treadmill with a work station. This is a great idea, especially if your job description is "hamster".

A team of investigators is pouring over war contracts to find out if any of them were rigged awards. Apparently they have found a secret code word for military corruption. "Halliburton".

Miss England has been told by pageant officials to gain weight for the upcoming Miss World competition. Apparently one of the judges is Bill Clinton.

Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell has released a list of polling places for upcoming elections. The list was previously kept secret because of fears of terrorist attacks. If terrorists want to kill Americans, the last place they are going to find any is at a polling place.

Democrats are planning for a lighter schedule for Congress next year. That begs the question, "Is that even possible?"

Democrats figure they can't end the war, they can't reform health care, why even bother to show up?

Congress will take off Fridays, they don't work weekends, and they can't get back on Monday. That barely leaves any time on Tuesday through Thursday to take bribes and hold fund raisers.

Congressional leaders say they want to provide more time for members to spend with their families. Sometimes those visits back home can get interrupted by delays in airport restrooms.

Vice President Cheney is planning a hunting trip in New York State. The state Bar Association has declared an immediate emergency evacuation for all lawyers.

Apparently Cheney has picked New York figuring that any errant shots may hit either Hillary Clinton or Charles Schumer.

NASA is searching its files on a request for any information about a 1965 UFO incident in Pennsylvania. Theories include an alien encounter, a secret military operation or something involving a drunk astronaut.

A U.N. expert wants to investigate contractor killings in Iraq. The focus will be on Blackwater, but the biggest killing reported during the war in Iraq has been made by executives at Halliburton.

A French Philosopher says that Harry Potter is a left winger and the book series is a diatribe against Thatcherite England. Or it was a nice way for J.K. Rowling to make a billion dollars.

A survey says one in four Americans says the Internet can serve as a substitute for a significant other. The other three apparently still prefer blowup dolls.

One in four Americans says the Internet can serve as a substitute for a significant other. Of course, the Internet is the reason they are divorced or single in the first place.

Apple is limiting iPod sales and won't take cash for them. That brings up the question, who has $400 in cash for an iPhone?

The Southland Christian Church's pastor is asking the congregation to send a letter of love and support for Britney Spears because of her "devastating life choices". In other words, what were you thinking when you married Kevin Federline?

The pastor also asked the congregation to include a reminder for her to put on some panties.

Daniel Dae Kim is the fourth star of "Lost" to be arrested for DUI. Apparently the show is so confusing, even the stars have to drink to try to figure it out.

The U.S. is launching a school exercise plan to get more kids to walk or ride bikes to school. The plan will be a complete success as soon as gasoline hits $4 a gallon.

The plan is called "No student riding to school on their big behind".

The White House is being accused of editing a report on global warming and its effects on people written by the Center for Disease Control. The White House denies redacting the report. It says it was just trying to help the environment by cutting back on paper use.

A researcher in Maine says standing on a vibrating platform for 15 minutes a day can slim down abdomens. That is apparently why Californians are so slim. It's all the earthquakes they have.

A report says red hair can be traced back to the Neanderthals. That means only one thing. Sylvester Stallone dyes his hair.

I thought Carrot Top looked like he was getting a little bulkier...

A study says that optimism is controlled by a small part of the brain. Unfortunately, it has been getting even smaller since the Bush Administration took over.

Researchers say that climate change will hurt the water supply in New Mexico. It just means they will have to move the water cooler indoors.

A photograph owned by Elton John that was seized has been ruled by a court to not be indecent. Fortunately, authorities didn't see any pictures of Elton John wearing those giant glasses and a feather boa.

Senator Larry Craig will try to claim the charges of him soliciting sex in an airport restroom are unconstitutional. Apparently he feels the Founding Fathers fought to preserve our right to free assembly in public restrooms.

California authorities say that of the 9,000 firefighters who battled the wildfires, about 3,000 were prison inmates. Or as prisoners are known in California, "non-celebrities".

New York State has made a deal with Homeland Security to allow illegals to obtain driver's licenses. Apparently it was the only way to make sure that the city's taxicabs keep running.

Paris Hilton's trip to Rwanda has been postponed. Apparently she wants to wait until they have established a few more exclusive nightclubs.

A web site is selling excuse notes from doctors, courts and even from funeral homes to help people get out of work. There's even a note that excuses any type of behavior you want by claiming you are Britney Spears.

A lock of hair from revolutionary leader Che Guevara was auctioned for $100,000. It's the most money ever paid by anyone for hair other than William Shatner.

The Washington State Patrol was named the best dressed state law enforcement agency. That is not to be confused with the Minneapolis Airport Restroom Police, who were named most undressed.

Karl Rove and former Senator Max Cleland had a debate about democracy. They both support spreading democracy, but Rove says democracy sometimes gets in the way of building a monarchy.

Foul air in Beijing may postpone some Olympic events. Not only that, but apparently the Olympic Mascot has been recalled for lead paint.

Foul air in Beijing may postpone some Olympic events. It's getting so bad, some of the athletes started training by volunteering to fight the California wildfires.

Some Olympic events may be postponed by four air over Beijing. A few of the events that will not be affected will be bowling, billiards and poker.

Wal-Mart says it will focus more on foreign growth. Which usually means they are planning on hiring a brand new batch of illegals.

Green car dealerships are opening around the country. Cars available in a variety of styles and sizes to fit any image, whether it be geek, nerd or wimp.

Not to be outdone, Ford says it will start offering a line of green cars. They will be available in Hunter Green, Avocado Green or Lime Green.

Farmers say that a third of the California Avocado crop was destroyed in the wildfires. It was a combination of the intense heat, and the fact that firefighters just can't get enough guacamole.

P. Diddy is becoming a partner in a premium vodka venture. Apparently the bottles are form fitted to the hand than Champagne bottles for hitting someone upside the head.

Oil moved up to $92 a barrel this past week. It's gotten so valuable, Exxon is planning an exploratory drilling on Jerry Lewis' head.

Oil is now up to $92 a barrel. If it gets any higher, President Bush is going to have to develop plans to invade Iran, Saudi Arabia and Egypt.

Oil moved above $92 a barrel this week. It has the oil companies worried. If it goes up any higher, they will be making so much money, the government might actually make them start paying taxes.

Farmers are saying that immigration raids are hurting their business. That and the fact all the illegals like working inside better over at Wal-Mart.

A survey shows that Vermont is the greenest state, with Oregon and Washington rounding out the top three. The least environmentally minded are in the south, because everyone knows, being green clashes with Red.

After the wildfires, California is now the brownest state.

The FAA says airlines could be fined for chronically late flights. In other words, they'll be passing the hat on all JetBlue flights.

JetBlue claims an exemption saying they are not chronically late, they are perpetually late.

The first World Series game ever in Colorado was played at Coors Field Saturday night. The altitude of the city is a mile high. It was the highest World Series game since the ones featuring the '78 Yankees team.

43 year old Vinnie Testaverde is the starting quarterback for the Carolina Panthers. When he takes the snaps, they have to change the name of the team to the Gray Panthers.

Maxim Magazine has named Sarah Jessica Parker as the unsexiest woman. For most Maxim readers, the sexiest woman in the world is anyone who will go out with them.

Maxim has chosen Sarah Jessica Parker as the unsexiest woman in the world. That's because most Maxim readers couldn't even get a date with Madeleine Albright or Roseanne.

Paris Hilton is reportedly looking into being cryogenically frozen when she dies. She's already reading up on Ted Williams so she can hook up with him after they are thawed out.

Britney Spears' fans are urging people to boycott buying her CDs until she's better. They didn't specify if they meant better as in recovered or better as in singing.

Roseanne is blasting Britney for her bad mothering practices. When Roseanne criticizes your lifestyle, it means one thing. Britney may have a big career opportunity in comedy.

Dina Lohan is shooting a reality show. She says she wants to correct some of the misconceptions people have about her. Apparently the show is called "My Daughter is Not Really An Irresponsible Drunken Slut With No Parental Guidance".

That's how most people set the record straight on how normal they really are. Film a reality show. That usually clears up everything.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline were reunited at a court ordered attendance of PWC, Parents Without Conflict. In their case, PWC stands for Parents Without a Clue.

Marie Osmond blames her fainting spell on "Dancing With the Stars" on the California wildfires. Host Tom Bergeron must have neglected to tell the dancers the studios were engulfed in flames.

A study says that people are getting fatter all over the world. Once again. the U.S. is a trendsetter for the rest of the planet.

Health groups are saying anti-obesity ads played in the U.S. are namby-pamby and too soft on fat people. What do they expect? The commercials are made by other too-fat Americans.

Health groups claim the commercials are too soft, because Americans are too soft.

A study says depressed people are no more likely to die from cancer than those with a positive attitude. In other words, after hearing that report, everyone will be depressed.

A study says that 59% of Americans consider the Internet good for children. Those are the 59% of people who are caught on "Dateline: Predator".

Raiders place kicker Sebastian Janikowski credits weight loss for his better numbers this season. An even better way to improve his scoring chances would be to leave the Raiders.

The Los Angeles Dodgers may play one game at the L.A. Coliseum to mark their 50th anniversary in Los Angeles. As another throwback, Dodger fans are actually planning on arriving on time and staying until the end of the game.

Gary Player says he will not name the two golfers who confided to him they were taking Human Growth Hormones. Apparently it's not John Daly, who credits his bulk to Human Growth Cheeseburgers.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just a shout out to my man, Dave Shockey whom I have mentioned here before. The Shock Man and I started out working in TV at the same station in Farmington, New Mexico back in 1980. The TV market doesn't even exist any more. As far as I know, neither does the town. We went our separate ways, and after both traveling all over the country, have reunited at WCHS-TV in Charleston, West Virginia. Now I know you are saying that a move from New Mexico to West Virginia is quite a leap, and you would be right. Charleston is actually a pretty cool town and I like living here so don't expect any jokes! That wouldn't do me any favors, if you know what I mean. Anyway, I've been here a couple of years as the Chief Meteorologist, and Shockey is the new Master Control Operator. Anyway, this is just to give props to a guy I've known for years and can't seem to get rid of. He's a funny guy, and not just in the looks department. So when you send the love this week, make it a two-fer, and I'll pass along the vibe!

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