Sunday, October 14, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...Just got back from Wichita...That's where they won't teach evolution. They're still looking for proof locally...

Britney Spears says she is afraid of ending up like Princess Diana. That’s why she won’t let her kids drink anymore before they drive her around.

Britney is already like Princess Diana. Both became rich and famous without having any real talent or ability.

Marion Jones has returned her Olympic medals after admitting she took steroids. They turned out to be the most undeserved medals won since George Tenet and Paul Bremer were given the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

The U.S. considered using poison for assassinations of world leaders in 1948. Apparently they were going to send their families toys made in China.

An Oregon teacher is suing her school district for banning teachers from bringing guns to school. Apparently the threat of “detention” just doesn't scare students enough any more.

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice delayed Israel from attacking nuclear facilities after U.S. officials raised doubts about the accuracy of their intelligence information. Where were these officials when we were preparing to invade Iraq?

A British think tank says the war on terror is failing that it is actually increasing support for the extremist Islamic movement. To which President Bush says that’s the goal. The more terrorists there are, the harder it is for them to hide from us.

A top government weather forecaster says this coming winter will be warmer than normal. Mostly for Hillary Clinton if Al Gore uses his Nobel Prize to get into the democratic presidential race.

Macaulay Culkin’s girlfriend says he likes to cook every night. But even she admits at some point he will get tired of being a short order chef.

Culkin’s girlfriend says the most annoying part of his cooking is that when he’s done he strings pots and pans around the house to catch intruders.

A Chicago cabbie has been ordered to stop operating his decorated taxi. The city claims it is a hazard. The city says no other cabs will be affected since the hazard they pose is from the cabbies.

The only option for the cabbie is to go to New York City where every cab is a hazard.

Hillary Clinton has dropped her plan to give $5,000 for each child born in the U.S. She is afraid that might be an incentive for Britney Spears to start having even more kids.

What Hillary needs to do is figure out a way to pay most Americans $5,000 to stop having kids.

A study says that taser guns are safe for police to use. And they are certainly more practical than dragging a suspect all the way over to an electrical outlet to shock them.

A New York family wants an impostor’s body to be removed from the family grave site on Long Island and buried elsewhere. Now there’s a guy who took identity theft to new levels.

Bicycling to work and school is gaining popularity in New York City. It’s attractive to those tired of high gasoline prices, people who hate traffic and those who can’t find another way to commit suicide.

Lindsay Lohan says that rehab was a “sobering” experience. There’s a first time for everything.

Lohan says that rehab was “humbling”. Although not quite as humbling as “I Know Who Killed Me”.

Miller and Coors are planning to blend their operations to compete with Anheuser-Busch. Coors is coming on board in case Anheuser-Busch tried to market a brand of bottled water.

Google is the world’s most popular search engine, with a reported 1.4 million searches a minute. Of course, if porn searches aren’t counted that number drops to 12 a minute.

Apparently the number one search on Google is for “real killers” from O.J. Simpson’s computer.

Mexican politician Roberto Madrazo was caught taking a short cut in the Berlin Marathon. He says he was taking a shortcut out of habit in coming across the U.S. border.

Madrazo finished the race in his usual style, arriving in the trunk of a car.

President Bush says U.S. questioning methods of terrorist suspects are successful and lawful. Of course, the less lawful, the more successful.

President Bush says the questioning methods by the CIA are lawful. He says they will continue to be lawful at least until they are caught.

Congress is moving to crack down on fraudulent wartime contracts, making it easier to get convictions. The easiest part would be cutting back on fraudulent wars.

President Bush says Hillary Clinton will win the democratic nomination for President. He has figured out a way for her to lose the presidential election. All he has to do is endorse her.

The Supreme Court is considering hearing a case that would make bankers, lawyers and accountants liable in cases where publicly owned companies deceive investors. Companies will have to make sure they just keep their mind on business as usual. Deceiving the customer.

Yoko Ono unveiled a peace tower in Iceland. She is still trying to bring the world together. After she broke it apart when she broke up the Beatles.

The Canadian housing market is at its highest level since the 1970s. In the time since the U.S. ended one draft and is threatening another.

Chevron says its third quarter earnings will drop. Mostly because after taking a profit of $5.4 Billion in the second quarter, no one has any money left to buy gasoline.

Cities around the U.S. are joining activists and restaurateurs against buying bottled water, most of which comes from the tap. Selling tap water for three dollars a quart sounds so criminal, it's a wonder it wasn't first thought up by the oil companies.

A study says that 16% of Alabama's residents live in poverty. The other 84% are working more than one job to move up to that level.

Michael Vick has been ordered to repay the Atlanta Falcons $20 Million of his bonus money. He never thought abusing a Golden Retriever would result in the government retrieving his gold.

Police will be able to stop stolen cars in high speed chases if the vehicles have the OnStar navigation system. That pretty much kills the best part of the "Cops" TV show.

The new domain ".asia" is going on sale. It will just make it a lot easier for the Asians when they own all American businesses.

A German film lab spoiled footage from Tom Cruise's new movie. Apparently no matter how hard they tried, they couldn't edit out Tom Cruise.

Britney Spears passed a court ordered drug test. Of course, she failed several tests for mothering abilities, driving and singing.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is offering a health care bill for the poor. Apparently it involves providing bus fare to Canada.

The U.S. is warning Turkey to stay out of Iraq. All Turkey has to do is look what happened to us after we went in.

NBC has bought the Oxygen Network for $925 Million. All of Hollywood was shocked. Where did NBC get $925 Million?

Barack Obama's wife's car was involved in a wreck. Apparently Britney Spears needs to find another way to contribute to a political movement.

A study says that tooth loss may be a predictor for dementia. That's why country music concerts are all done by festival seating.

A study says that poor air and water quality may decrease the life expectancy in Europe by as much as a year. Which is considered welcome news for anyone who is on a diet involving English or Scottish food.

A 6 year old Colorado boy crashed the family car while trying to drive it to an Applebee's restaurant. He knew that Applebee's doesn't provide valet parking so he knew he would have to do it himself.

Boeing has delayed the debut of the 787 jetliner for six months. It had nothing to do with production problems. They sold the first batch to JetBlue and it will take them at least that long to take off.

Bobby Brown reportedly suffered a mild heart attack last week. It was blamed in part on his diet. His doctors told him to start taking his meals through his mouth instead of up his nose.

Iran's president says he was misquoted when he said there were no gays in his country. He says there are not as many as in the U.S. He says he is forbidding the opening of any Pottery Barn stores in Iran to keep it that way.

The Iraq coalition is dropping in troop strength, from as many as 50,000 to an estimated 7,000 by next year. At least the democrats in congress can say they're gotten some troops pulled out.

Family Research Council President Tony Perkins says Rudy Giuliani is indistinguishable from Hillary Clinton. Especially when Rudy dresses up to go out.

Former President Jimmy Carter called Vice President Dick Cheney a "disaster" for the country. He didn't specify which country, Iraq or the U.S.

General Electric may sell NBC after the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. It will be easier to sell to the Chinese that way, since half their equipment will be over there already.

Senator Larry Craig has been inducted to the Idaho Hall of Fame. It wasn't known where his bust will be placed, since his most famous bust was in the Minneapolis Airport men's room.

A survey says that one in five working families can't afford the basics. And that's not even counting cable.

One in five working families can't afford the basics. It's even worse when you consider one in five families is even working.

A British boy has allergies so severe he can only eat six foods: Chicken, tuna, carrots, potatoes, grapes and apples. His name isn't being made public, but he can be identified as he is the only child in England who isn't fifty pounds overweight.

An Ohio woman who forced her son to sit in a dog cage was sentenced to four years in prison. Until she gets out, her son will be cared for by the Humane Society.

A study says the world is not only getting hotter, but more humid. So that's why Al Gore was so sweaty during his acceptance speech of the Nobel Prize.

The number of heat related deaths will increase in New York City because of global warming, according to a study. That means the cabs will be even more foul smelling.

American and British folk and rock singers will give a charity concert 18,200' up Mt. Everest. That will make it the highest concert since Woodstock.

The Cubs lost in the playoffs, but the team is still worth a reported $600 Million. At least that's the amount the new owner can write off given that the team is considered a charity.

Google stock is now up to $600 a share. Now when you search "gullible" it comes up with all the shareholders' names.

When you Google the word "loser" it comes up with the list of people who bought back in the 90s.

New York City is the worst city for commuting to work, with an average time of 36 minutes. That doesn't even include the shower after the cab ride.

One half million New Yorkers have a daily commute of at least 90 minutes. Those are the half million subway riders who get mugged every day.

Hollywood writers may go on strike. This shouldn't affect the show "Cavemen" which apparently hasn't bothered using any writers.

A new service is emerging that allows parents to monitor their kids' driving behavior. One of the first customers is reportedly Britney Spears.

The parents of Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton don't need this service since they can monitor their kids' driving behavior on the local news.

The White House has formed a mortgage industry coalition to help people facing foreclosure. And we know how well the White House has been in forming coalitions.

If the mortgage coalition works as well as the one in Iraq, President Bush will be moving to an apartment in the next three weeks.

Starbucks has recalled it kids cups due to a choking hazard. This is almost as big a choking hazard as when a Starbucks customer finds out their latte is going to cost $5.

Airlines are starting to allow passengers to use credit cards to pay for in flight services. Like upgrading a flight to first class in order to get a meal after the plane has been sitting on the runway more than eight hours.

Michelle Wie says she made a mistake in playing on the women's tour this year. The other golfers were surprised. Michelle Wie played on tour this year?

R. Kelley has announced his "Trapped in the Closet" tour. Wasn't that going to be the name of Clay Aiken's tour?

"Blender" magazine has chosen Sting as the worst lyricist in music. Apparently he hasn't been using the words "bitch" and "ho" quite enough in his songs.

The world's oldest wall painting was found in Syria, dating back 11,000 years. Archaeologists described it as crude, primitive and insulting to Israel.

4,500 ancient Roman coins were found in the wall of a home in Portugal. Archaeologists suspect it was some kind of payoff for an ancient Portuguese altar boy.

A sports marketer will turn over records that reportedly show former USC star Reggie Bush and his family received $280,000 while in college. Bush's lawyer is outraged that his client was given such a low wage compared to other top college football players.

Tennis officials are investigating 150 "suspicious" tennis matches that could have been fixed. The most suspicious matches in recent years concern any contests won by Anna Kournikova.

Michael Vick's high school has removed his old jersey from their trophy case. They are instead going to donate it to the canine obedience school down the street.

Major League Baseball is coming under fire for conducting background checks on umpires which include questioning their neighbors and friends. The players are shocked. Umpires have friends?

Major League Baseball would do better to stop asking questions of umpires' neighbors and friends and start checking their vision a little more closely.

The body of former Notre Dame football legend George Gipp was exhumed to check for DNA. Apparently the family wants to try to prove it wasn't their relative who played for Notre Dame to save them the embarrassment.

Snoop Dogg was ordered to pick up trash as part of a plea agreement for a weapons arrest. He immediately tried to hit on Britney Spears.

New Jersey is checking unlicensed gum ball machines that officials say could be used to target kids by terrorists with poison gum. Or could be used to rot their teeth with real gum.

A British researcher wrote his doctoral thesis about the eventual possibility of marriage between robots and humans. The Bush administration says they wouldn't get involved as long as it didn't involve any gay robots.

A Denver school district is sending home obesity notes with overweight students. There was a concern that it could cause embarrassment to the children, but that was found not to be a factor as most the kids can't read anyway.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers...I still managed to slam out a few jokes despite driving more than 1,000 miles to Wichita and back to visit my wife's family. It was miserable. The drive was a bit much as well. I don't have a lot in common with my wife's family, mostly because I am a college graduate and don't drink myself into unconsciousness every night. Hanging around them for a few days would more than likely change that.
We were in town for the wedding of my wife's brother. I wish I could have given them the gift that really suited them. Sterilization. Pretty soon even more of them running around. At least they didn't have any kids before they got married. That's the Kansas version of a virgin. Oh, well. Kansas isn't that bad. Mostly because it's 1,000 miles away. It would be twice as good if it were 2,000 miles away.
I'm already planning my next trip through Wichita. I figure the best way to drive through Kansas is in the back of a hearse.
Well, enough about my week. I hope yours was better, and that you can send the love, or at least a little sympathy!

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