Sunday, September 16, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...I'm trying to figure out how my jokes keep showing up on the New England Patriors' web site before I publish them...

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick has been fined a half million dollars for spying on other teams and stealing their signals. He says he thought it was legal under the "Patriots Act".

Other NFL owners were shocked at the allegations. In a related story, President Bush awarded Belichick the Medal of Freedom.

A Washington woman pleaded guilty for falsely claiming to hurt her teeth on a McDonald's cherry pie and cheeseburger. She should have stuck with the more reliable lawsuits of spilling hot coffee or gaining 200 pounds.

A California woman who won $93 million in the state lottery is going back to work. Her dream was to buy her own house, and apparently the $93 million is just about enough to cover a down payment in California.

Fidel Castro says he saved President Reagan's life by tipping off authorities with information about an assassination plot in 1984. It turns out the information was about John Hinckley, Jr. who tried to kill Reagan in 1981.

A Dallas hospital has installed a kiosk in its emergency room so people can check themselves in. The kiosk first asks if the patient has insurance. If the answer is "no", they are instructed to get their affairs in order.

The McLaren Formula One race team was fined $100 million for spying on its competitors. They claim they got their information from the New England Patriots.

The McLaren Formula One race team is out $100 million for spying. That takes away half their yearly budget for gasoline.

Researchers at UC Santa Barbara have concluded that older men pairing up with younger women is good for the human race. They came up with the idea originally because they were a bunch of old men at UC Santa Barbara,

California has outlawed cell phones for teens while driving. Apparently teens are texting so much, they develop carpal tunnel syndrome and can't keep their hands on the steering wheel properly.

New technology will allow commercial ads to be broadcast to cell phones. So now you not only have to listen to some idiot on their cell phone at a movie theater, you get to hear them interrupted by commercials.

Does someone actually sit around and think up ways to make cell phones even more annoying?

John Edwards bought commercial time to rebut President Bush's speech about the war in Iraq. He spent between $100,000 and $150,000 for two minutes of air time. Which is approximately the same rate his hair stylist charges.

A study shows that college students are dissatisfied with graduating with trendy "Mickey Mouse" degrees like media studies and tourism. Not quite as dissatisfied as their parents, who shell out $100,000 for a degree that gets them a job at Macy's.

Research reveals that there is a risk of cancer from using cell phones over a ten year period. That gives a great new excuse to get off the phone during a boring conversation. "I've got to go now. I think I'm getting cancer".

Apparently cell phones cause hearing loss in the short term. That must be why people feel the need to yell into their phones even during a normal conversation.

The Florida Marlins beat the Washington Nationals in 12 innings, in a game that ended with 400 fans in the stands. Or as that is called in Tampa, a sellout.

Los Angeles Dodger games often end with 400 people in the stands. Of course the stadium is full up to the sixth inning.

A city block in Los Angeles was renamed "Larry King Square". The block contains both a cardiac center and wedding chapel.

Angry air travelers are planning a "strand in" at a Washington, D.C. airport to protest flight delays. In other words, they booked flights on JetBlue.

Air travelers booked a "strand in" at a Washington, D.C. airport. Or as airline officials call it, "Tuesday".

A Ben Affleck movie about a kidnapping that parallels the Madeleine McCann case has been pulled from British theaters. It turns out theater owners knew nothing about the film's plot, they just saw it was a Ben Affleck movie.

Music industry experts say Britney Spears' performance at the MTV awards may have killed her career. At least now by comparison her mothering skills don't look so bad.

Britney's performance at the MTV awards were so bad, people were actually calling out for Kevin Federline.

Britney's "live" performance was so bad, MTV thought about actually going back to playing videos until she was off the stage.

The dollar dropped to an all time low against the Euro. That really confuses the economy. Now we'll see Europeans traveling to the U.S. because the weak dollar means they can buy even cheaper goods we import from China.

The dollar is at an all time low against the Euro. Basically that means that we are now Canada with warmer winters.

The dollar is getting so weak, Mexicans are now sneaking across the border just to do some shopping.

Life expectancy in the U.S. has moved up to 78 years. Apparently our bodies have adjusted to being morbidly obese.

Apparently all the chemical preservatives in the food we eat are offsetting the fat and cholesterol.

The average life expectancy in the U.S. is now 78 years. If rappers are excluded, it goes up to 103.

How can they possibly know what the life expectancy is when not everyone is dead yet?

The average life expectancy in the U.S. is now 78 years. If Mike Wallace is excluded, that drops it to 46.

The average life expectancy in the U.S. is now 78. Unless you live in South Dakota. Then it just seems like 78.

Killer bees have apparently invaded New Orleans. Compared to Katrina, the government's response and the rising murder rate, this actually goes in the "good news" file.

Scientists say the earth may survive the sun's demise in five billion years. President Bush says the sun's demise will end global warming so there is no need to do anything now anyway.

If the sun supernovas in five billion years, Cher isn't worried. She says she is still pretty much guaranteed to have 95% of her replacement body parts stay in tact.

Toyota is marketing the world's smallest four seater car. In America a vehicle that seats four is called a "bus".

Toyota is marketing the world's smallest four seater car. First the Japanese destroy our auto manufacturing industry, now they taunt us by making cars we can't fit into.

The federal government has threatened to ground airlines due to increasing flight delays. If you have flow lately, you know the airlines have already pretty much done just that.

The government of a central Russian province is asking people to stay at home and make babies because of their low birth rate. At last, a country where Kevin Federline will be welcomed.

A poll says that 55% of Americans believe the Founding Fathers established a Christian nation. The other 45% know that it was established by President Bush.

The National Association of Letter Carriers is endorsing Hillary Clinton for president. This despite all the back injuries to mailmen from carrying those huge donations from Chinese businessmen to Clinton's office.

Mexican truckers say outdated safety fears are behind the Senate cutting funds for a program to allow Mexican trucks into the U.S. Truckers say they are very careful on the roads, as they don't want to injure their friends and family members who they are sneaking in with the cargo.

British researchers say that chocolate is not addictive. Apparently they have never tried to take a box of Godiva from a woman.

The Mayor of Cleveland wants to ban guns from people under 21 years of age. He says 70% of all firearms arrests involve people under 28. So why not ban them for people under 28?

Fred Thompson was criticized for saying he wants due process carried out for Osama Bin Laden if he is ever caught. Thompson says he meant to say due process, "Tennessee style".

The U.N. says organized crime took in $2 trillion around the world last year. Most of that going to Halliburton.

Univision claims it is the number one television network in the country for the 18-34 demographic. However, their numbers are dependent on how many people make it across the border in any given week.

In a related story, Katie Couric anchored the CBS Evening News last week wearing a bee costume.

Los Angeles is proposing a limit to the number of fast food restaurants it allows. Apparently they take away space that could be utilized by breast enhancement clinics.

O.J. Simpson is a suspect in a reported hotel room robbery where sports memorabilia was taken at gunpoint. Simpson says that is ridiculous. You can't stab anyone with a gun.

Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey says his wife's divorce settlement demands are unreasonable. Just like during their marriage, when she expected him to have heterosexual sex.

The Department of Veterans Affairs has suspended inpatient surgery at an Illinois hospital due to a large number of deaths. It got so bad that all surgeries were just scheduled as "pre-autopsies".

The Department of Veterans Affairs has managed to really put the "Ill" in Illinois.

California may ease parole rules because of prison overcrowding. Those least likely to commit crimes will be let go first. Those most likely to commit crimes are celebrities who never get into the prison system in the first place.

Will Ferrell is auctioning off a cameo role in his new movie to raise money for charity. Whatever happened to the old way of deciding on parts, the casting couch?

Guards at Guantanamo Bay found two prisoners wearing unauthorized underwear. Apparently they were tipped off by an informer who tapped out the message in Morse Code with his foot in a bathroom stall.

One of the prisoners was caught wearing Speedo underwear. What kind of interrogation are those guards doing where they find Speedo underwear?

The Departments of Defense and Homeland Security are accused of not having met basic accounting requirements, leaving the agencies open to fraud, waste and abuse. Or as taxpayers know it, Halliburton and FEMA.

President Bush has a new catch phrase for his Iraq strategy, "Return on Success". Which to soldiers means that until there is success, they will keep returning to Iraq.

A poll shows that President Bush is at a 33% approval rating, with congress down to 26%. Even worse for congress is that number has to be shared by 535 members.

To put that in TV terms, President Bush is NBC, and Congress is CNN.

The numbers are so bad, if they made a movie about the government, they would have to cast Kevin Costner as President Bush and Madonna as Nancy Pelosi.

President Bush signed into law a Lobbyist Ethics Bill. The bill was written by Congress. That's about as credible as a Canine Rights Bill written by Michael Vick.

The Lobbyist Ethics Bill requires all lobbyists to immediately report to their supervisors and to Congress in the unlikely event that they ever acquire any ethics.

The Lobbyist Ethics Bill demands that lobbyists never offer a bribe on the golf course to a Congressman during his back swing.

A Congressional study criticizes the legal aid program for waste and abuse of funds and a lack of accountability. They could be charged with impersonating Congress.

Congress is charging the lawyers who run legal aid with openly wasting funds and lavishly spending department money on themselves. Or as Congress calls them, "amateurs".

Chief Justice John Roberts compared lawyers to firefighters in a speech to law students. Many people agree with him. When they see a burning building, they hope it is filled with lawyers.

The Department of Justice is being criticized for spending lavishly on conferences, including one dinner where $4 was spent on each meatball. The department agreed to no more expensive meatballs. That was taken care of with the resignation of Alberto Gonzales.

UNICEF says more children are surviving around the world than ever before. No one was happier to hear that good news than Nike.

Al-Queda is reportedly offering a $100,000 bounty on a Swedish cartoonist. We're still taking our shoes off at airports to fight a group of terrorists that are going after cartoonists? Ever since "B.C." creator Johnny Hart died, Osama Bin Laden has it out for cartoonists who don't portray modern day Afghanistan.

Seriously, all al-Queda has to do is declare war on the guy who writes "Garfield" and I'm with them.

A New York Times researcher who has been imprisoned in China for three years has been released. Government officials were amazed. The New York Times has researchers?

When word got out a repressive regime released a New York Times employee, President Bush was confused. He said he thought that Judith Miller got out of jail months ago.

Rhode Island wants three companies to pay for a $2.4 Billion cleanup of homes contaminated with lead paint. How many toys did those people buy?

An MIT proposal to make a laptop that would sell for $100 to children around the world will now cost around $188. The increase comes from buying the rights to install "Grand Theft Auto" on all the computers.

Britney Spears' lawyer wants to seal court papers concerning her child custody dispute with Kevin Federline. He also wants to seal all copies of her performance on the MTV Awards show.

There will be no ban of thin models during London Fashion Week. However, the British Fashion Council says no women will be allowed who are under 16. Pounds.

The number of U.S. deaths increased in 2005, after decreasing in 2004. The National Center for Health Statistics concluded its report with "Heck of a job, Brownie!"

A study sees air quality worsening from global warming in Cleveland and nine other northeast cities. One benefit will be that worsening air quality will make Cleveland harder to see.

NASA was looking for ways to decrease astronaut meltdowns a few months before Lisa Nowak was arrested for trying to kidnap another astronaut. Apparently the custom made NASA straight jackets arrived just a little too late.

Lead bullets have been blamed for birds being poisoned in Wyoming. The question is, how are all these Chinese hunters getting into the country?

Air New Zealand will have a gay themed flight from San Francisco that will feature drag queens, pink drinks and a cabaret act performed by the flight crew. Or as flight attendants call it, a bus man's holiday.

That's one flight where you don't want to ask to see the cockpit.

That's one flight where you don't want to ask how long it takes to get from San Francisco to "Down Under".

The airline is trying to book the flight on a biplane.

China is rejecting pork imports from the U.S. and Canada. Apparently the meat doesn't contain quite enough lead.

How bad is meat when it gets rejected by China?

Northwest Airlines' terminal in Detroit was closed due to a suspicious package that was left behind. Apparently one of the pilots accidentally left a six pack behind from their liquor store run.

A survey shows that the number of male teachers in schools are at a forty year low. Apparently many of them have been losing their jobs after showing up on "Dateline: Predator".

Economists are making a case to clean up the Great Lakes, saying the $26 Billion price tag will be worth it. $26 Billion is the estimated cost of moving Cleveland across to Canada.

The first Hooter's restaurant has opened in Beijing. Apparently it took so long to open a Hooter's in China because the restaurant's particular shade of orange is hard to find in lead paint.

Toilet paper dust found in a restroom diverted a Southwest Airline flight into New Orleans. Apparently it took so long for the flight to take off, the toilet paper disintegrated from old age.

A 494 carat diamond has been found in Africa. Kobe Bryant already put a deposit on it for when he does something really bad.

Japan has reached a record, with 32,000 people aged 100 or older. Apparently "Japan" comes from an ancient Asian term meaning "Miami of the East".

One in five Japanese people are age 65 or older. The other four are 80 or older.

A survey says that 27% of U.S. companies will be hiring by the year's end. Unfortunately most of them will be hiring bankruptcy lawyers.

USA Today newspaper is 25 years old. Or as USA Today would describe it, one quarter of a pie chart representing a century.

Martha Stewart is going to sell her own brand of wine. She learned how to brew it in prison by letting mold grow in her cell toilet and mixing it with grape juice.

Bank of America will start charging non-customers $3 for an ATM transaction. To make it more realistic, before the transaction takes place, the machine will ask the person to put their hands up.

Wal-Mart has a new slogan to replace "Always Low Prices". The new line is "Save Money, Live Better". Which was shortened from the original line "Save money, live better. Than our employees".

Companies are starting to charge higher insurance rates to employees who have high health risks. That means when people go to McDonald's, they will be paying twice for that Big Mac.

That means an employee who drives a Ford on the 405 Freeway during rush hour in L.A. and stops at McDonald's while smoking a cigarette will actually take a net loss out of their pay check.

The Dallas Cowboys are considered the richest franchise in professional sports. Overall that puts them right behind Notre Dame and USC.

The poorest franchise in sports has to be the L.A. Galaxy. Apparently people will only pay to watch the team if Beckham is actually playing in some of the games.

Tiger Woods won the Fed Ex Cup, and will now take the longest break of his career. Actually the second longest, if you count the time he disappeared from 2003-2004 while working on his swing.

Demi Moore is concerned about her career now that she is over 40. Her biggest concern is having to rely on an income from Ashton Kutcher.

Kanye West says MTV exploited Britney Spears in her botched performance at the MTV Awards. Actually, she was most exploited by Comedy Central and the hosts of late night TV.

A study says that gas prices rising $1 a gallon will reduce obesity by 15% over five years. Not from people walking more, from people not being able to afford food.

Research shows that bras can't handle exercise in some women. Breasts can bounce up and down as much as eight inches during a workout. Not only can that cause injury to women, but it can also result in neck injuries to men who are watching.

A study says that home environments that are too clean can lead to allergies in children. There may be something to that. Have you ever seen a French child sneeze?

British scientists say they have developed a non-stick gum. The next goal is to make gum that can be chewed without teeth.

Barry Bonds had to leave a game against San Diego due to an injured big toe. Apparently that's the one part of his body the steroids couldn't reach.

O.J. Simpson says after his recent arrest concerning a robbery in Las Vegas, he can't trust police any more. If anyone knows how the police can botch an investigation, it's O.J.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Remember, this is a labor of love. It would be better if it were an exercise in humor. But that shouldn't stop you from sending the love!

No comments: