Sunday, September 09, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers... The NFL season is underway, or as we Raiders fans call it, "Positioning for the draft".

Supporters of Senator Larry Craig are calling for a boycott of the airport in Minneapolis. Apparently they want to carry out some sort of sit down strike.

Microwave popcorn is being associated with a lung disease. If popcorn is affecting your lungs, it may be time to eat it just a little bit slower.

A military plane mistakenly carrying five nuclear warheads flew from North Dakota to Louisiana. The thing is, if it had blown up on takeoff or landing, no one would have noticed.

A military plane mistakenly flew across the country carrying five nuclear warheads. If that's what it takes to cut back on these airline delays, I'm all for it.

It's just a good thing the airplane never made it to a terminal. The baggage handlers would have had a tough time explaining how they lost all five warheads.

President Bush told an Australian official that the U.S. is "kicking ass" in Iraq. He apparently meant we are finally beating the insurgents who are carrying out their attacks on mule back.

In a new book about President Bush, he admits he cries every night. Mostly when he sees his poll ratings.

President Bush says he cries every night. So do investors who made a pile of cash during the Clinton years.

Thousands of faulty condoms made in China had to be returned to the U.S. Health Department. Apparently the lead paint made them very hard to use.

Air France is going to try to use biometric cards at its airports for security checks. For their French customers, they will still rely on the standard body odor check.

Jerry Lewis is apologizing for an anti-gay slur he used on his MDA Telethon. However, now he's not just considered a genius in France, but also in Kansas.

Jerry Lewis is apologizing for an anti-gay slur he used on his MDA Telethon. He still hasn't apologized for "Cinderfella".

Rudy Giuliani says he plans to prepare every city in the country for a major disaster. Which would be another Republican Administration.

The first part of Giuliani's disaster plan is already in effect. Namely that George Bush can't run for office again.

Dutch research says that mobile phones in hospitals are dangerous because they can interfere with electronic equipment. Not to mention it's annoying when patients call for a second opinion during surgery.

Mobile phones could be dangerous in hospitals by interfering with electronic equipment. But patients feel they need them in case they are being treated in an HMO and need to call 911.

A study says that live-in boyfriends are more likely than husbands to help with housework. Especially if the live-in boyfriend is living with another guy.

A 1909 Honus Wagner baseball card sold for $2.8 million. It was the oldest baseball card still on the market other than Julio Franco.

Suicides for children and young adults have seen the biggest increase in 15 years. Apparently these kids don't take break-ups with their teachers very well.

A Kentucky man is being accused of fondling himself on a Frontier Airlines plane in Denver. If you violate yourself on a plane it's a crime. If someone else does it, it's called "airport security".

A Kentucky man on a Frontier Airlines flight has been accused of fondling himself. He claims he was just trying to grab onto something when the plane hit turbulence and both arm rests were taken.

Residents in a Detroit subdivision are being asked to pay $11,500 to repair potholes because the county refuses to do it. People are mad because they already have to take it upon themselves to fix all the bullet holes on their property.

Residents are not all that eager to pay $11,500 to fix potholes in a Detroit suburb. It's not like anyone there has a job they need to drive to.

Rudy Giuliani says that illegal immigration is not a crime. Apparently not, since half of Mexico has made it into the U.S. with no problem.

Osama Bin Laden says the U.S. should convert to Islam if it wants the war in Iraq to end. Congressional Democrats say that plan may make sense. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Congressional Democrats would have about as much luck doing that as anything else they have tried.

FEMA is being commended for their work in Kansas following the Greensburg tornado. The head of FEMA accepted the praise, saying "There was a tornado in Greensburg?"

A study says that depression is more damaging to everyday health than other afflictions including arthritis and asthma. The number one cause of depression is all the doctor bills from those other afflictions.

Thirty public and private colleges are offering minors in gay studies. That's different from Catholic Seminaries, where they study gay minors.

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld has become a visiting fellow at Stanford's Hoover Institution, specializing in ideology and terror. Apparently he is going to try to help with soliciting alumni donations.

Apparently Stanford has already rejected Rumsfeld's suggestions that the football team play without helmets, have only six players on the team and get to their games on Amtrak.

Drought is apparently taking a toll on the Kentucky marijuana crop, according to authorities. That's why it's called the Bluegrass state. No grass gives all the potheads the blues.

A sexual predator in Arkansas was sentenced to 50 years in prison the day after he tried to saw off his leg. Apparently he needed that along with an arm to pay his lawyers.

After the man tried unsuccessfully to cut off his leg, the judge still tole him he had no leg to stand on. (Apologies for the oldest and most overused legal joke in history!)

An appeals court has tossed out Tennessee's "crack tax" on illegal drugs. The "crack tax" is not to be confused with communities that have outlawed wearing thongs.

Former New York Times reporter Judith Miller has joined a conservative think tank. She deiced to join a think tank after the Scooter Libby trial where she had all that time to think while in the tank.

Doubts are being raised about a letter supposedly written by Davy Crockett and bought by the Texas Historical Commission for a half million dollars. In the letter, Crockett complains about all the illegal immigrants trying to get into the Alamo.

A South Carolina teacher has admitted she had sex with five teenage students. Apparently it was part of the school's policy to have "group participation" in the classroom.

A California couple has been arrested for performing illegal cosmetic surgeries in their filthy home. They are being charged with impersonating an HMO.

I believe that is one of the AMA's warning signs about a plastic surgeon. "Beware when the doctor suggests doing the surgery in their filthy home."

It's always a bad sign when the doctor yells "Hey, you kids...clean up your mess! I'm trying to do surgery in here!"

Osama Bin Laden has made a new video in which he slams capitalism, saying it's leaders are the real terrorists. Apparently he got suckered into a sub prime loan on his cave.

The San Diego Catholic Diocese has paid out $198 million to settle sex abuse claims. Or as the Los Angeles Diocese calls it, "A real bargain!"

A Dutch man is offering what he calls a cure for nail biting. Apparently it has something to do with not flying on JetBlue.

A Dutch man claims he has a cure for nail biting. It involves never driving down the 405 Freeway in Los Angeles.

Paris Hilton is suing Hallmark over a card with her picture and the phrase "That's hot". Apparently the card was part of their new line of "Skank Day" cards.

Apparently the card can be found under the "So you forgot to wear your panties again" section.

Paris Hilton is suing Hallmark for all proceeds from the card, which amounts to $3.50 for the one that Hilton bought for her lawsuit.

President Bush says the new Osama Bin Laden video reminds him of just how dangerous the world is in which we live. Mostly because he hasn't caught Osama Bin Laden yet.

Rapper Foxy Brown was sentenced to a year in jail for assaulting two manicurists. Apparently she is trying to get into the world of super modeling.

A rapper assaulting manicurists? How embarrassing. Now it would be different if the manicurists were hit by gunfire while she was shooting at her pimp.

A rapper assaulting manicurists? What's next? Mike Tyson beating up his makeup consultant?

Kansas City is eliminating middle schools in a restructuring plan. Apparently now kids will go straight from elementary school to the rank of dropout.

The plan calls for schools to go from first to eight grade and then high school. Putting eighth graders in the same school with first graders. Now what could possibly go wrong there?

All that does is create a middle man situation. Sixth graders will take lunch money from the first graders, and have to turn it over to the eighth graders. That's just another level of "bully bureaucracy".

The leader of an unrecognized Indian Tribe in Kansas is being accused of selling tribal memberships which he claims give citizenship. The tribe's leader goes by Grand Chief Thunderbird IV. He is also being charged with using the worst stereotypical, phony Indian name in history.

Grand Chief Thunderbird IV? That sounds like some new Ford Hybrid SUV.

Laura Bush is undergoing elective surgery. This confused President Bush, who thought elective surgery was what happened in Florida in 2000.

A new book says Supreme Court Justice David Souter almost left the court after the 2000 Florida election ruling. Apparently he felt if he was going to be paid for making bad decisions he could just as easily become a home mortgage broker.

A proposed Colombian law calls for fines and community service for committing adultery. In the U.S. the penalties are much more harsh. Here it's impeachment.

Pope Benedict XVI is criticizing Europeans for not having enough children. Well, how many does he have?

Apparently it is tough to recruit new priests without enough available children in the churches.

Starbucks has opened their first coffee shop in Russia. Apparently it's part of the Bush Administration's plan to bankrupt the nation again, this time with $5 lattes.

A study says a cybercrime happens in England every ten seconds. Mostly on MySpace.

Apple has dropped the price of its iPhone by $200, angering those who bought the phone when it first came out. Apparently the "i" stands for "idiot".

Pepsi is coming out with a new low calorie version of Gatorade. Apparently the full strength version will still be available for dumping on football coaches.

More than half the doctors in Iraq have left the country in the last four years because of killings and kidnappings. Those are some tough health insurance companies they have to deal with over there.

A study says that global warming could mean more heart problems, according to doctors. At least there won't be people dropping dead all winter from shoveling snow.

A study says that it may be a virus that is killing off honeybees across the country. The virus has been labeled as "Hepatitis Bee".

A court has ruled that Arizona has the right to fire a policeman who made porn videos with his wife. Apparently he was fired for excessive use of his baton.

A study says that two thirds of the world's polar bears could die out by 2050. The bears are suffering from "Die-Polar Disorder".

Forest Service Chief Abigail Kimbell says 15% of our gas supply could be replaced with ethanol made by cutting down trees. Or as President Bush calls it, a win-win situation.

The new Forest Service slogan would be "Put some timber in your tank".

The Bush Administration likes the idea, because without all those trees in the way, energy companies could start drilling for more oil.

A Nepal airline sacrificed two goats to please the Hindu Sky God because of technical problems with a 757. If it works, look for U.S. airlines to follow suit, because a couple of goats are much cheaper than airplane mechanics.

Not only did the goats prove useful as a sacrifice to the sky god, but they also made a tasty in-flight meal.

A passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight in San Diego was escorted off the plane because her outfit was considered too sexy. Apparently it was considered too much of a distraction for the other 450 people who were crammed into the 707.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is urging the GOP to reclaim the middle. If you have seen Arnold without a shirt lately, it looks like it's time for him to reclaim his middle, also.

Congress is looking into investigating Mattel after several high profile toy recalls from China. Apparently their sales have been falling like a lead balloon. Mostly because of their sales of lead balloons.

Wisconsin congressman Jim Sensenbrenner has won a lottery payoff for the third time. One was a quarter of a million dollars, and the other two were for a thousand each. Usually when a congressmen says they won the lottery, it means they hooked up with a lobbyist.

President Bush told the South Korean President he will end the war when North Korea ends its nuclear weapon program. Bush finally decides to end a war and its the wrong one.

Amtrak is on its way to a fifth straight year of record ridership. The TSA has actually made airport security so invasive that people figure Amtrak is actually worth the risk.

The train may derail on the trip, but at least passengers don't have to go through a strip search along the way.

Enron's Jeffrey Skilling says the government cheated to get a conviction in his case. The government's lawyers should get an award. Out-cheating an Enron executive and his high priced legal team has to be some sort of record.

Ace Hardware says their accounting was off by $154 million since 2002. In hardware terms, when the IRS sees that, they will be screwed.

The IRS is going to drop the hammer on someone.

The Board of Directors knew it was a mistake to let Morrie in "Paints" work on the books.

Ace is the "Helpful Hardware Store". It probably would have been helpful to hire an accountant to do the books.

Barbie accessories are part of the latest Mattel recall. Apparently NASCAR Barbie owes her success to having a lead foot.

The Sacajawea Dollar is getting a new look. The new design will reflect American Indians' place in contributing to the U.S. economy. On the back of the coin will be pictured a casino.

The United Nations says U.S. workers are the world's most productive, with an average of $63, 885 of wealth created every year by each worker. Which is rewarded with a paycheck of $18,000.

Even Nike is thinking about relocating its factories back in the States.

The airline industry is trying to keep planes full even after the summer rush. JetBlue is leading the charge by not ever letting anyone off their planes.

The maiden voyage of the Boeing 787 is going to be delayed. The plane is being produced on time. The problem is the first one was sold to JetBlue.

Phil Jackson was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame. He said that Kobe Bryant must mend some fences. That came as more good news to Kobe's jeweler.

Tiger Woods is close to making a sports drink deal with Gatorade that could be worth $100 million. In golf, a sports drink is known as "beer".

"American Idol" host Ryan Seacrest may open the Emmy Awards with a song and dance. That should put to rest all those gay rumors for once and for all.

Rosie O'Donnell has trashed her own novel on her website. It's finally happened. She has run out of people to pick fights with, so now she's going after herself.

Rosie O'Donnell actually admits all those other people are right. Even she hates herself.

A study says men date women based on their looks. This same study also found out that people want to be rich and famous and do whatever they want at any time.

The study was performed at the "Duh!" Institute.

The same study says that women are choosier in who they pick than men. That was pretty much shot down by women claiming Fred Thompson is sexy.

A federal health expert says canine rabies has disappeared from the U.S. Apparently there is still one isolated case in Lubbock, Texas. But supposedly Bobby Knight is being regulated carefully.

A study says psychiatrists are the least religious of all physicians. You sure won't find many at the Scientology Temple sitting next to Tom Cruise.

An Air Force doctor says NASA is in denial about astronauts' drinking. It's supposedly getting so bad, the next time we land on the Moon, the astronaut will say "That's 12 small steps for a man..."

Scientists have shaved 15 minutes off the length of time of a day on Saturn. The planet actually rotates approximately every ten and a half hours. There's some bad news. That fifteen minute loss pretty much eliminates the morning coffee break.

Canadian trucks may have speed limiters that could keep their speed capped at 65 mph. That's going to make for some upset U.S. seniors who are going to be waiting longer at the border for their pharmacy shipments.

Former quarterback Ron Jaworski is joining Monday Night Football in a search for "better chemistry" of the on-air hosts. Dennis Miller was removed from the show a couple of years ago. The chemistry that people requested for him had to do with nitroglycerin.

Shaquille O'Neal is getting a divorce. O'Neal's wife Shaunie says living with Shaq was tough. In fact, she says it was easier watching him at the free throw line in a close game.

NASCAR analyst Liz Allison has written a book on how to marry a NASCAR driver. Two hints, a fresh chaw of Skoal and some nitro behind the ears and he's yours.

Another hint: When he comes to pick you up for a date, suggest some place you can get to by only making left turns.

The U.S. Open tennis tournament may be expanded next year to 15 days and start on Sunday. It's too bad Anna Kournikova retired a few years ago. At least this way she could have been eliminated on a day other than Monday.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I would like to thank the thousand monkeys who type at a thousand keyboards every week for turning out this stuff which I then claim as my own. How about sending a little monkey love this way??!!

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