Sunday, September 23, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers... It's Autmn! The Boys of Summer are near the playoffs...Which makes the Dodgers the "Boys of Spring Training"...

Rudy Giuliani says there is an evolution involved in his views on gun control. At least he is the first republican presidential candidate to admit to evolution.

Oregon schools are adopting Mexico's public school curriculum. The idea is to get students prepared in case they want to move south to California.

Airport screeners are watching what people bring for reading material as a tip off to possible terrorism. They are now also watching for any senators who are carrying copies of "Bondage Monthly" into the airport men's room.

New York Congressman Peter King says there are "too many Mosques" in this country. King says the quote was taken out of context. He says he meant to say " to many mosquitoes".

The Canadian dollar is equal to the U.S. dollar for the first time since 1976. This has caused a 5% drop in people traveling across the border, The government has a plan to kick start tourism to Canada. Reinstate the draft.

London has installed ten thousand security cameras around the city with no increase in solving crimes. Apparently the cameras were installed with a program that identifies suspects through dental records.

A report says students know less about history, government and economy after graduating college than before they entered. But they can use MacGyver like instincts to assemble a beer bong out of a briefcase, a pencil and a tape dispenser.

A New Jersey man who was choking on an onion ring while driving dislodged it after crashing his car into a tree. The technique is described as the "Hemlock maneuver".

How fat are we getting? Besides drunk drivers and road rage, now we have to watch out for people on the highways who are choking on food.

An MIT student was arrested after walked into Logan Airport in Boston with a device containing a circuit board, wires and Play-Doh that looked like a bomb. The student figured airport security wouldn't notice the device since it wasn't in her shoe.

Did you see the picture of the woman? It wasn't the bomb-like device that got her noticed. It was her Phil Spector hair style.

A survey shows that 26% of U.S. homeowners say their home has fallen in value in the past year. Especially those people living in Britney Spears' neighborhood.

Dan Rather is suing CBS for $70 Million. In his lawsuit he claims the government is influencing network newsrooms. He also says he is changing his name to Kenneth, and that he finally knows what the frequency is.

Dan Rather is suing CBS for $70 million for violating his contract. He says the government is influencing newsrooms. And that Don Imus is influencing his lawsuit.

Rather says any money he gets from CBS in his lawsuit will go to a journalistic cause. Which is a good idea, since that isn't what CBS is using it for anymore.

Fidel Castro is reportedly dying, but says he wants to outlive the Bush Presidency. Just like the U.S. economy.

Bill Clinton says he might slit his throat at the thought of being the "First Husband". Which means if Hillary had any doubts about running for the White House, they are gone now.

The AFL-CIO says they will spend $200 Million on the 2008 election. Apparently they were able to get a million dollar donation from each of their remaining 200 members.

For the first time, to make the Forbes 400 list of richest Americans you have to be a billionaire. The only other list that is synonymous with billionaire status is republican presidential candidates.

France is calling for sanctions against Iran, but is now backpedaling on their call for war. This is a new record even for France, retreating before the war has been declared.

Pope Benedict XVI says the war on terror must be respectful of human rights. Once that happens he'll see what he can do to help out the altar boys.

Deodorants are being linked to breast cancer in a study. That's more good news for the French.

Deodorants are being linked to breast cancer? Just where are these women spraying it?

Marcia Clark is reporting on the O.J. Simpson case for "Entertainment Tonight" and "The Insider". If justice is served, O.J. will become "The Insider".

Clark says she can't believe that O.J. is back in court facing charges. If she had done her job the first time, no one would have to believe it.

Clark says she can't believe O.J. is back in court facing charges. Even O.J. should know it's only L.A. juries that are stupid enough to let celebrities slide.

Catholic Priests in Colorado Springs are hearing confessions at a local mall. The priests can combine their time to save souls while trolling for prospective altar boys.

Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey has been ordered to pay more than double his previous support to his wife. Apparently the judge has sympathy for his wife fr the embarrassment he caused her. Making her live in New Jersey.

The U.S. has admitted 10,000 people into the country in the past four years from countries that support terrorism. Apparently the government feels it's easier to watch them here than having to do it over there.

French mime artist Marcel Marceau has died at age 84. His death was a tragedy. Apparently he choked to death, but everyone thought he was just trying out a new routine.

A California man is accused of smuggling iguanas into the U.S. inside a hollowed out prosthetic leg. You know Baby Boomers are affluent when it is more lucrative to smuggle in exotic pets than illegal drugs.

Andre Agassi is suing Target Stores for selling a flip flop sandal that uses his name without authorization. Target says they will sell the flip flops with a more appropriate endorsement. John Kerry.

Shahar Peer, the #16 ranked woman in tennis is starting basic training in the Israeli army. A tennis playing soldier gives new meaning to the phrase "service to her country".

Alaska has dropped its plans for the "Bridge to nowhere", which became the symbol for pork barrel spending in Washington. Besides, they didn't want to confuse it with any bridges that lead into North Dakota.

The term "Bridge to nowhere" is being saved for a proposed walkway between the White House and the Capitol Building.

New York will allow illegal immigrants to get a driver's license provided they have a valid passport. There are as many as a million illegal immigrants in New York currently driving without licenses or insurance. They are called "cabbies".

Buzz Aldrin's notes from the first flight to the Moon sold for $180,000. The most insightful part is where he says how drunk the crew was during liftoff, and his rave reviews for the convenience of the new astronaut diapers.

The most disturbing part was how he was planning on becoming the first man to walk on the Moon by stalking and kidnapping Neil Armstrong at a Florida airport.

The jury in the Phil Spector murder trial is reportedly at a 7-5 deadlock. This is a great improvement in the legal system in California from 1995 when the jury in the O.J. Simpson case were revealed to be made up of twelve absolute morons.

The foreman won't say which way the jury is leaning. Either seven of them are in favor of conviction, or they have found another of the seven dumbest people on the planet.

The foreman says there is a 7-5 deadlock in the Phil Spector trial. That means they should take the jurors in favor of acquittal and lock them in a room until they are dead.

Thousands of Stanford students, faculty and alumni are protesting the appointment of former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld to a fellowship at the university. Apparently Rumsfeld is bothered by the reaction, but once again can't come up with an exit strategy.

Former FEMA Director Mike Brown says the federal government may overreact in another Katrina-like disaster. Meaning they may actually do something.

Brown was speaking at a conference of emergency management officials. The scary thing is that emergency management officials are taking advice from Mike Brown.

Barry Bonds will still be a Giant in 2008. Meaning the size of his head. The San Francisco baseball team has dumped him.

Britney Spears is being charged in a hit and run parking lot crash that happened in August. She hasn't been accused of acting this irresponsibly since the MTV awards performance.

Britney's defense about the hit and run accident is that she was passed out in the back seat while her kids were driving the car.

The Director of FEMA says the organization is now ready for a disaster like Katrina. Which means they could go in and start doing something in New Orleans any day now.

The men's and women's rifle teams at the University of Alaska at Fairbanks were honored by President Bush for winning the national championship. They were treated to an impromptu lesson by Dick Cheney on how to shoot a lawyer in the face.

The nation's letter carriers were honored for acts of heroism and humanitarianism. Apparently they have given up on trying to get them to deliver the mail to the right place on time.

The greatest act of heroism award was given to the letter carrier who delivered the Publisher's Clearing House envelope to the person who actually won.

Ireland's defense forces have revealed they have been monitoring UFOs from 1947 to 1984. After that they figured out all the sightings by the military and civilians were pretty much all alcohol related.

Cities all across China staged a "Car-Free Day" to cut down on pollution, but roads were still clogged. It had about the same effect as the "lead-free day" they tried once in their toy factories.

Disney is offering customer training for other businesses. Apparently for a restaurant that would mean tripling the price of their food and cutting the staff to create a two hour line.

Disney is offering customer training that can be helpful for other businesses. For example, to get rid of irate phone customers, make the music on hold selection "It's a Small World".

Texas A&M is offering a Master's degree in Ranching. This was the natural outcome of the influence of a movie like "Brokeback Mountain".

Google stock shot to an all time high of $560. It's so high, when people Google their own names it says "You can't afford us".

A former member of Ramones punk rock band is suing Wal-Mart and Apple for $1 Million for royalties of unauthorized ring tone sales. Remember the good old days when punk rockers spent their free time in criminal courts?

A study says frequent cell phone use may slow down brain activity. Apparently the decrease in brain activity is proportional to how loud the person talks into the phone.

Dan Rather says he will not settle purely for money in his suit against CBS. Of course, $70 Million isn't just money. It's boats, cars, vacation villas...

A study says that soccer is better than jogging for fitness. Unfortunately, Americans actually enjoy watching people jog more than they want to watch soccer.

Researchers are examining a newly discovered purging disorder where people have the urge to vomit even after a small meal. Mostly after eating at Red Lobster.

The army is conducting brain tests for new soldiers. Apparently the ones that fail are given a special designation. General.

U.S. sperm banks are running short on supplies from European countries that are infected with Mad Cow Disease. Experts were shocked. How could the U.S. ever be in a sperm shortage?

The U.S. may be losing industry, jobs, the dollar is weak. But there is never a shortage of men who are willing to donate sperm.

There is a shortage of sperm donations from European countries? How bad are American men getting that women want to pass along the European genetic pool?

What does Mad Cow Disease have to do with all this anyway? Just what are those European men getting into over there, anyway?

Research shows that the elderly are at the highest risk of committing suicide. Why are they so impatient? It's not like they have a long wait as it is.

Yale Law School has decided to allow military recruiters on campus. The school was in danger of losing federal funds if they denied them access. It sounds like a waste anyway. The number one reason people go to law school is to find out how to avoid military service.

Hockey legend Gordie Howe got a restraining order against neighbors who were spying on his house. He had no idea when he bought his house he had moved next door to Bill Belichick.

A North Dakota State basketball player is accused of using a stolen credit card to make $10,000 worth of phone calls. He has been whistled for charging.

Beer sales to the public will no longer be offered at the Coors Events Center for University of Colorado basketball games. Apparently that means Coors was given exclusive beverage rights.

Dodger Manager Grady Little says this season has been his most challenging ever. In other words, he has never managed Jeff Kent before.

New York City schools won a public education award top prize for being a "model for successful reform". Because if there is one thing that comes to mind with New York inner city education, it is reform school.

San Francisco is set to go dark for one hour on October 20th from 8 to 9 PM in order to save 15% of one day's energy use. They decided to schedule it in October because they knew there was no chance of interrupting a Giants game since that would be during the playoffs.

The Pentagon is probing $6 Billion in military contracts in Afghanistan and Iraq. Apparently it got their attention after the military lost $40 Billion in private contract money during the first couple of years of the war.

The military is reportedly hiring a private firm to investigate where all the money has gone. The firm is a subsidiary of Halliburton and will conduct the ten year study for $3 Billion.

The United Nations says a warlord in East Congo is recruiting children to become soldiers. Upon hearing this, Nike immediately announced plans for a new shoe factory in East Congo.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has ordered all clocks turned back a half hour. Apparently he overslept a half hour and wants the time back he lost to threaten and and plot against the U.S.

Mattel has apologized to China over the multiple toy recalls in the U.S. Mattel says they are sorry for ordering such a high number of deadly toys.

I guess all that is left now is for Ford stockholders and customers to apologize to the car manufacturer for buying so much of their worthless stock and substandard automobiles.

The world's oldest man celebrated his 112th birthday by saying he wants to live to infinity. The Japanese centenarian says he wants to live forever or until the Cubs win the World Series, which are pretty much the same thing.

The $5 bill is getting a new look with splashes of purple and gray. The bill looks so gay, it is being reclassified as the $3 bill.

The purple and gray splashes look so gay, Abe Lincoln is trading in his coat and stovepipe hat for a cowboy hat and flannel shirt.

The changes were made to the $5 bill because it could be copied and easily changed to a $100 bill by counterfeiters. That is because the $100 bill is now worth about the same as a $5 bill.

Washington, D.C. has the highest per capita spending on health care, more than $8,000. Apparently the money goes to treating politicians who injure their backs carrying away large lobbyist bribes every day.

The high cost of health care in the nation's capital goes mostly to the fact that all our elected representatives are in some sort of rehab, which is now covered by insurance.

Wal-Mart has revised its health care plan after widespread criticism. Health care officials were surprised. Wal-Mart offers health care?

The old Wal-Mart health care package consisted of loose change to be used at the medicine dispenser in the break room.

The old Wal-Mart health care plan was available only if your last name was Walton and you lived in a mansion in Bentonville, Arkansas.

A survey says that 78% of Americans are concerned about Chinese imports. Especially the 78% whose jobs have become American exports.

78% of Americans are concerned about Chinese imports. The other 22% have died from e-coli and lead poisoning.

A study says that Americans waste an average of 38 hours a year waiting in rush hour traffic. They then waste an average of 40 hours a week at their dead end jobs.

Americans waste 2.9 Billion gallons of fuel idling in traffic each year, costing the nation $78 Billion. Of course $50 Billion of that is on the money they spend at Starbucks for the coffee they drink on the way to the office.

Los Angeles drivers spend the most time in traffic, 72 hours a year on average. That's three days of sitting in traffic. Otherwise known as ten miles on the 405 Freeway.

The drivers who spend the least amount of time in traffic are those in new Orleans. Mostly because there are no jobs and the streets are still flooded.

China has banned the use of lead paint on toys being shipped to the U.S. Instead, they are now switching over to plutonium paint for that special glow-in-the-dark effect.

Visiting teams have ripped the outfield at Wrigley Field as being "unsafe". They say it has rough patches, small holes and the terrain is uneven. Apparently Waveland Ave. is in better shape.

A Puerto Rican horse has lost its 125th straight race. Apparently it's too slow to win, and too fast to be caught and sent to the glue factory.

The horses name is "Dona Chepa", which is Spanish for "Next Stop, Burger King".

When the jockey whips the horse, he's not trying to make it run faster. He's trying to tenderize the meat.

The Sex Pistols are reuniting for a concert to mark the 30th anniversary of their only album. Not to say they are getting old, but instead of a Mosh Pit, they are asking for snacks for a Nosh Pit.

The Sex Pistols are getting old. Now a punk rock is something they throw at kids that are playing on their lawn.

James Frey, the discredited author of "A Million Little Pieces" is writing a new novel. Apparently "A Million Little Pieces" is the name he now uses for his career.

Burger King is going to start using healthier food in its Kids' Meals. The healthy part is that the food won't be coming from Burger King.

A study says that more than one in ten pregnant women smoke. Mostly because it's so hard not to light up when getting drunk.

56,000 lunch boxes given away in California to promote healthy eating were recalled because of lead paint from China. Instead they are going to be used as helmets in case of nuclear attack.

The digital smiley face is turning 25 years old. However, the :-) just turned to :-( when the emoticon found out it has been outsourced by ;p and has lost its health insurance.

New York City cabbies are suing to stop GPS devices from being installed in cabs. They claim the devices will give away trade secrets. Mostly about how they can run up a fare of $200 on a drive from JFK to Midtown Manhattan.

20% of Americans are reportedly giving up friends and sex in order to be online. Of course, most computer addicts had no friends and never got any sex before they had a computer anyway.

Most computer geeks have only ever seen a naked woman online in the first place.

The Yankees used 18 pitchers in two games against the Toronto Blue Jays. What do you call 18 Yankee pitchers? The Cuban Flotilla.

Notre Dame has honored former head coach Ara Parseghian with a statue showing him being carried off the field by his players after the Cotton Bowl. It stands next to the statue of former head coach George O'Leary being carried out of his office after being caught with a phony resume.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! If you are wondering what compels me to write these jokes, it's the love of comedy and the inability to remove this house arrest ankle bracelet. Also, it's because of the anticipation of you all sending the love!

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