Sunday, September 30, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers... The Chicago Cubs actually won their division...Or as fans call it, prolonguing the inevitable misery...

Rudy Giuliani is being criticized for a party his supporters in California threw where admission was $9.11. They got the idea from a Dick Cheney fund raiser that charged each person $6.66.

A report by Freedom House says democracy is in retreat around the world. Apparently everyone else is seeing how much fun the Iraqis are having with us giving them their freedom.

Commercial ads are going to be placed on runways of the world's busiest airports. Apparently they will provide reading material for JetBlue pilots while they wait several hours to take off.

Frontier Airlines will still continue to place ads where passengers will be most likely to see them. On their air sickness bags.

Liquor ads will be placed on runways near the proper gates to make sure they are seen by all the Northwest Airlines pilots.

Donald Trump says President Bush should "go into hiding". Trump has even arranged an appointment for the President to visit his personal hairdresser.

Trump knows how to disappear from public sight. Get a TV show on NBC.

Researchers say that bacteria sent to outer space has come back more dangerous. They call it the "Lisa Nowak" syndrome.

KB Homes is planning to sell new homes available with Disney characters placed on the walls. The choice includes Mickey Mouse, Cinderella and the Pirates of the Caribbean. Or the cheaper home package that comes with mice, is made with child labor and eventually gets robbed.

Utah has stopped issuing gun permits to foreigners living in the state. Constitutional experts were shocked. There are foreigners living in Utah?

President Bush is reportedly giving advice to Hillary Clinton, according to a book by Chief of Staff Josh Bolten. Everyone is just praying is isn't advice on public speaking.

John Edwards says that frivolous lawsuits should be limited. Frivolous meaning anything asking for less than $10 million.

The Phil Spector murder trial ended in a mistrial. The jury was confused by the judges instructions. Especially the one that said if he did it, you must find him guilty.

Bill Clinton reportedly wants a picture of his daughter Chelsea removed from a Greenwich Village restaurant. It's just a habit, like when he had all pictures of Hillary removed from the White House when he was President.

France is reportedly on the brink of bankruptcy. Their financial problems are being blamed on large tax cuts and the threat of going to war with Iran. If nothing else, at least the Bush style of government is consistent in its results.

Apartment complexes in San Antonio are banning tenants who have multiple tattoos or body piercings. If this trend spreads, rock stars and NBA players will just have to continue to live in their mansions.

Michael Vick has reportedly tested positive for marijuana. What's worse is that he smoked it using a bong made from a Chihuahua.

The FBI says violent crime rose 2% last year. However, it is expected to drop once again now that O.J. Simpson is behind bars.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates is asking for $190 Billion to fight the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. President Bush didn't think money would be a huge issue in the wars. He thought he appointed Bill Gates as Secretary of Defense.

Mitt Romney is donating $9 Million to his own campaign, which he says will keep special interests out. In other words, there apparently isn't any interest at all in his campaign.

Saddam Hussein reportedly asked President Bush for $1 Billion to go into exile before we invaded Iraq. Bush nixed the idea, saying that at some point we would eventually have to invade Exile to bring Saddam to justice.

New stalls have been placed in the Minneapolis restroom where Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting sex. Apparently the new stalls can seat six.

The new stalls apparently have extra leg room and can accommodate people who have extra wide stances.

The personal data for 800 thousand job applicants for The Gap was stolen from a computer. Apparently the people are worried the information could be used for blackmail. That these people applied for jobs at The Gap.

Applicants to The Gap had personal information stolen. The thieves will go through 800 thousand files to find none of them have a credit card and they all still live at home.

Religious material has been given back to prisons by the government after it was determined it wouldn't incite violence. Now they just have to work on the other four hundred most common causes of prison violence.

Apparently the government wants to keep all religious wars confined to the Middle East for the time being.

The threat of global war has caused Huntsville, Alabama to reopen fallout shelters that have been abandoned since the 1960s. If that bit of nostalgia works, the city says it may even bring back other memories from the '60s, like separate water fountains.

Schools around the country are using Facebook to alert students of danger. Mostly of predators who have their own Facebook sites.

Facebook is being used by schools to alert students of danger. Mostly from their teachers who want to have sex with them.

Nickelodeon shut down for three hours over the weekend to encourage kids not to watch TV. That gave millions of children the chance to catch up on playing video games and watching their DVDs.

Computers stolen from the Argentina home of director Francis Ford Coppola contained a screenplay he has been working on for years. Apparently the thieves were film critics who were afraid he might be working on "Godfather IV".

Rudy Giuliani quoted the Bible to compare it to his personal life. He's had so many wives, it sounds more like he should be quoting the Book of Mormon.

Other candidates are using the Bible to quote Rudy Giuliani's politics. Mostly from the Book of Revelations.

Rudy's other wives are quoting the Bible about his personal life. Mostly from Sodom and Gomorrah.

Hillary Clinton says she wants to give every baby born in the U.S. $5,000 to be used in the future for school or to buy a home. Or for girls born in California, to buy breast implants.

Hillary Clinton wants to give every baby born in the U.S. $5,000. Mostly to give Angelina Jolie and Madonna an incentive to stop bringing babies in from all over the world.

Hillary Clinton wants to give every baby born in the U.S. $5,000. That should be a real incentive to stop illegals from coming across the border.

Hillary Clinton says she will give each baby born in the U.S. $5,000. Unless the father is Bill.

A Seattle woman was found alive after being trapped in her wrecked car for eight days. She says it still wasn't as bad as flying JetBlue.

Mexican and U.S. governors are asking Washington, D.C. for help with traffic delays along the border. Apparently the cars are being slowed down trying to avoid all the illegals constantly running across the roads.

The Vatican is urging Muslims to work with Christians towards peace. The Muslims say that would be nice, and for starters how about all the Christians stop invading the Middle East?

A British study says lack of sleep could be deadly. Ten thousand British government workers were tested. Unfortunately they weren't good test subjects since they all got eight hours of sleep on the job every day.

The director of Paul Brown Stadium in Cincinnati wants to shoot pigeons before football games because they annoy fans. Or as Bengals football players call shooting pigeons, "warm-up drills".

The Ashland, Oregon city council has agreed to go through therapy at a cost to taxpayers of $37,000. That's the problem with our government. You either pay for therapy now, or pay for a war later.

Mexican President Felix Calderon has asked the U.S. to respect the right of people to work where they make the greatest contribution. For his people that means mostly in the yards and gardens of Beverly Hills.

Two thirds of all state workers in Michigan were told to stay home during budget negotiations that could shut down the government. Only necessary employees are still on the job. Mostly those working in the Unemployment Office.

When told they were to remain at home and not come to work, the Michigan State workers asked what they were supposed to do for that extra hour.

What do you call it when two thirds of Michigan State workers stay home? No difference.

A court has ruled that a drug addicted, homeless New York couple can be banned from having any more children. To which a very disturbed Kevin Federline asked "They can do that?"

A gay police officer is suing New York City for discrimination. He showed up in court with his partner the Indian Chief, and his lawyer the construction worker.

A judge has ruled that Washington, D.C. firefighters do not have to be clean shaven on the job. Apparently the time spent fighting for space in front of the mirror when the alarm sounded was resulting in too many houses burning to the ground.

A Supreme Court decision could give hiatus to executions in Texas. The decision came at a good time as the state was nearly running out of inmates to kill.

New York cabbies have lost their battle over installation of GPS units in their cars. However, they did win the battle against mandatory use of air fresheners.

An armless man has turned himself in on a misdemeanor charge of getting in a fight where the other man died. The arrested man says it was the other guy's fault for attacking an unarmed man.

The armless man was nearly shot as he went to the police station to turn himself in. Police said he kept disobeying their orders to put his hands up. (These two jokes are helping to pave my road to Hell).

Federal agents raided a marijuana laced candy factory in San Francisco that made enhanced snacks for medical marijuana users. Workers tried to get away but were too stoned or too fat to even make it out of the shop.

Those arrested were told they have the right to remain silent, and any uncontrollable giggling would be used against them in court.

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has written his autobiography. It is called "Scalia Knows Best".

Thomas did not discuss his colleagues or work on the court, saying he didn't really know much about either.

He refused to talk about the 2000 Florida presidential vote decisions, citing his right against self-incrimination.

John McCain told a Detroit audience that the global economy is full of opportunity. Mostly for the people who work for Toyota, Nissan and Hyundai.

Iran has labeled the CIA as a terrorist organization. The CIA says they will make them take it back if it requires torturing every last person in the country.

The first commercial nuclear power plant was blown up in England after more than 50 years of generating electricity. A demolition team was hired to destroy it. The other option to take it down was to let the Three Mile Island management team take it over.

Laura Bush says the Myanmar military regime's crackdown on demonstrators was "deplorable and horrible". Not only that, they were doing it all wrong.

A New York Jets fan is suing the New England Patriots for $184 Million for deceiving customers with its spying against other teams. Unfortunately the man will have no credibility in court once he admits to being a Jets fan.

The New York Jets are being sued by their fans on general principal for having their home games in New Jersey.

In a related story, an Oakland Raiders fan is suing the team for fraud in representing the Raiders as an NFL Football team.

The United Kingdom has the lowest level of PC malware of any place in Europe. This could change when the English people finally figure out how to use the Internet.

The NHL is being sued for trying to control the team websites of each hockey team. The lawsuit claims some teams could be getting as many as three hits a day.

An opera company in San Francisco is broadcasting a live performance to the AT&T Park, home field of the Giants. It was the natural place to broadcast, since Giants fans have become used to tragedy.

The U.S. Immigration Agency has come up with a new test for citizenship. The old test pretty much consisted of being able to outrun a border guard.

The new test has one question. "Can you throw a 90 mph fastball? If yes, congratulations, fellow citizen!"

A British school official is suing the government for distributing Al Gore's movie "An Inconvenient Truth" to schools around the country. He's not suing because he disagrees with the film. The problem is that Gore bores them to sleep for the entire day.

A study shows that three times as many black and Hispanic men are in prison than are living in college dorms. Apparently the reason given is the food is much better in prison.

Court documents in the Britney Spears child custody case say that Britney is forbidden to punish her kids. This has led to speculation she has been making them listen to Kevin Federline's CD.

Attorney General nominee Michael Mukasey has been spending $10,000 a day on security ten years after a terrorist case on which he presided. Isn't ten grand a day a bit much? Who are his bodyguards, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger?

A study ranks Myanmar and Somalia as the most corrupt nations in the world. That led to immediate plans for a joint congressional junket to travel to those countries to see how we have managed to fall so far behind.

The government will work up a program that will be called "No Congressional Bribe Left Behind".

New Zealand, Finland and Denmark were ranked as the least corrupt countries. Which proves that Shakespeare may have been wrong. Perhaps there really isn't "Something rotten in Denmark".

Apparently the only reason Halliburton was left off the list is because they are not officially a country.

Paris Hilton is planning on visiting Rwanda as part of her post jail effort for social causes. She says she's not just going to visit Rwanda. She wants to visit all of the 50 states.

President Bush was invited to speak at an Iranian University. Bush is considering accepting, saying it would be an excellent opportunity to dust off the "Mission Accomplished" speech.

Federal agents raided eleven McDonald's restaurants in Nevada, arresting dozens of suspected illegal immigrants. Unfortunately, one of those arrested for conspiracy was Mayor McCheese.

The U.S. Mint will celebrate President Lincoln's 200th birthday with special editions of the penny. However, there is a new coin which is on its way to replacing the penny. The Sacajawea Dollar.

Nike has unveiled a shoe made specifically for American Indians. Ironically it is made overseas by people who are even more underpaid and exploited than American Indians.

The shoe is called the "Runs Like a Deer for $125".

The shoe is named after the part of Indian history that contributed most to their modernization and advancement. The "$25 Minimum Table".

The shoe is the first ever designed for a specific race or ethnicity. Unless you count the "Air Jordan" which was made for white guys who tried to be black.

Britney Spears' bodyguard says he felt she has mental problems. Now there's a bodyguard who doesn't let anything get past him.

The Rolling Stones "Bigger Bang" Tour grossed $437 Million, a world's record. That's a fortune when compared to their first tour, which grossed some gold, a little frankincense and a smattering of myrrh.

A study says that men who smoke have a higher risk of suffering Erectile Dysfunction. Forget cancer and emphysema. Now there's a reason to quit!

Learning social skills in school is just as important as studies, according to research. So there is an educational reason as to why teachers are so eager to have sex with their students.

A study says that deep voiced men have more children than those with higher voices. Which means Travis Henry must be about three octaves lower than anyone else.

India is planning a manned space flight by the year 2015. It is taking so long because all their top scientists are on the phone all day telling people how to get their PCs to work.

Researchers say cockroaches don't like the mornings and do better in the afternoon. This may explain why management tends to roll in to work in the middle of the day.

Nokia is introducing a $25,000 Ferrari cell phone. men need to be warned that calling a woman on a Ferrari phone from anything other than a Ferrari gets absolutely no results.

Linebacker Ray Lewis says he misses the "old school" NFL days. Now hard hits result in a fine and flags are thrown on every play. At this rate, pretty soon football players will have to serve time for murder.

Notre Dame has dropped to 0-5 for the season in college football. Instead of a team meeting after the game, they are given their Last Rites.

Philadelphia's Ryan Howard struck out for a record 196th time this season. Or as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays call it, a pretty good week.

Scottish golfer Marc Warren is playing again after being injured from breaking a chandelier in his hotel room. That ought to do wonders in dispelling the stereotype of golf being a sport for rich white guys.

Tiger Woods says drug abusers should pay dearly if caught. Offenders should be forced to caddy for Rory Sabbatini for a week.

Russian tennis pro Dimitry Tursunov says he has been offered bribes to throw tennis matches. Has anyone ever heard of Dimitry Tursunov? Either he is taking the bribes or throwing the matches for free.

Jerry Seinfeld is the second highest paid entertainer, behind Oprah Winfrey. Seinfeld made $60 million last year, mostly in residuals from his TV show "Seinfeld". He went from making money doing a show about nothing to making even more money for doing nothing.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers...If any of these jokes offend you, there is definitely a problem. The should all offend you. That shouldn't stop you from sending the love!

No comments: