Sunday, July 15, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...The stock market hit record levels this week. We can all cash out our oil stock to fill up our cars next week...

An Off Broadway play called "My First Time" is offering free tickets to any virgins who come to see the show. That's about as safe an offer as McDonald's offering free alfalfa sprout salads.

The show is offering free tickets to anyone who can prove they are a virgin. The most acceptable proof is any collection of "Star Wars" memorabilia.

Parking spaces in Manhattan are now being sold for as much as $225,000. People consider them a bargain as they are bigger than most of the apartments they go with.

A search team is set to comb a South Pacific island looking for the remains of Amelia Earhart, who disappeared while trying to fly around the world 70 years ago. The last anyone ever saw of her was when she boarded a JetBlue flight.

An intruder with a gun forced his way into a Washington, D.C. party, tasted wine and cheese and then left after asking for hugs. He is reported to be armed and extremely gay.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says republicans can still embrace the climate change issue. First they need to stop being caught embracing so many hookers.

The government says newly released al Queda tapes may carry a secret message. They are suspicious of a tape where Osama bin Laden says "Everybody, make sure you drink your Ovaltine every day!"

An 87 year old man hitchhiked from Utah to Pennsylvania. Unfortunately, he was trying to go to California but couldn't remember which thumb to hold out.

Dennis Kucinich says John Edwards is trying to rig the election by keeping lesser candidates out of the debates. Edwards says he is tired of wasting debate time on questions like "What is Dennis Kucinich doing here?"

Congress' approval ratings are down to 24%. Even Dick Cheney sent them a sympathy card.

A study shows that fewer and fewer kids are walking to school. That makes sense since fewer and fewer kids are going to school these days.

Kids don't feel a need to walk to school to get exercise. Apparently they feel having sex with their teacher is enough to keep them in shape.

Fewer teens are having sex according to a study. Apparently "Dateline: Predator" is really putting a dent in those kids' social lives.

Harrison Ford says he still fits in his "Indiana Jones" pants at 65 years old. Of course, now he wars them up around his chest.

Civil and family court judges in England will not wear wigs next year. The change will save the government a whopping $600 thousand. Who are they buying their wigs from, Cher?

An Australian man has been arrested for using an army tank to destroy mobile phone towers. Ironically, he was apparently distracted while driving the tank as he was talking on his cell phone.

English Bobbies will start wearing cameras in their helmets. The "Bobbie cams" will be turned off for strip searches to keep them from being called "Boobie cams".

A study says that overweight kids are likely to suffer bullying, teasing and rejection from other kids. They will even suffer from poorer grades from teachers who aren't interested in them for sex.

Overweight kids are likely to be bullied through school. So if kids would spend more time hitting the books instead of the snacks and become super smart, they will suffer pretty much the same fate.

A study says adults have a harder time getting jokes as they get older. So if these jokes aren't funny, don't blame me, you old fart!

Scientists have been detailing the overall cost of global warming to society. The negative effects include wilting heat, deadly storms and worst of all, an Al Gore movie sequel.

Researchers at U.C. Davis are training sheep to weed vineyards without eating the grapes. Apparently the sheep are willing to take on jobs that illegal immigrants won't do.

The Chicago Cubs are reportedly for sale. They are being marketed as a "loss leader".

Mark Cuban apparently is interested in buying the Chicago Cubs. This is good news for Steve Bartman, who will no longer be the most hated man in Chicago.

2003 Kentucky Derby and Preakness winner Funny Cide is retiring. I always thought "funnycide" was when a comedian killed himself.

Research scientists say that the sun's changing energy levels are not responsible for global warming. They are still looking into the theory that Al Gore feels hot because he has gained so much weight.

A study says that if cows belch less it will cut methane in the atmosphere and reduce global warming. If nothing else, they can at least learn to say "excuse me!"

Environmentalists say blaming global warming on cows is a bunch of bull.

A 10 year old boy who stole a car in Washington was given probation and told not to get behind the wheel of a car for a year. Apparently the judge feels strongly about enforcing the idea of only those eleven and older being responsible enough to drive.

Former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld is setting up a foundation to attract others to public service. I believe what he is looking at is called a "draft".

Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff says he has a "gut feeling" the U.S. could be attacked this summer. The feeling is based on history, intelligence and a recent binge at Taco Bell.

A secret law enforcement report prepared for Homeland Security says al Queda is preparing a "spectacular" summer attack. That means the target locations in New York include Broadway, Greenwich Village and Chelsea.

An Ohio waitress won a CNBC stock picking contest after several people were disqualified for manipulating stocks. Martha Stewart says she didn't really need the prize money anyway.

GE reported profits of $5.4 billion last quarter. Industry analysts say those could easily be doubled. Just unload NBC.

Wal-Mart is lowering the age of prosecuting shoplifters, from 18 to 16 years old. Kids are stealing video games, which are the only items in the store worth more than a few dollars.

A study by Penn State researchers says CEOs with big egos don't do better or worse in performance than those without big egos. The question is, where did they find any CEOs with small egos for the experiment?

The dollar dropped to an all time low against the Euro last week. Our currency is getting so weak, they are thinking of putting George W. Bush on the One Dollar Bill.

The dollar is getting so weak, other countries are mistakenly calling it the "Peso".

China's trade surplus reached a monthly high. Apparently they are sending us way more cheap, useless merchandise than we give them in the way of cheap, unhealthy fast food.

London is considering a "fat tax" of 17.5% on unhealthy food that could reportedly save thousands of lives. That same tax in the U.S. wouldn't save any lives, but it would get us out of debt in about three days.

A study says that bad eating habits are tied to teenage lung problems. How fast are kids gulping down their fast food?

The Internet is being tied to a hike in teen pregnancies in China. It's too bad our exporting of our morals can't count against our trade deficit.

A Harvard study says that as many as ten million men in America are angry enough to damage property or injure people. Who knew there were that many Raiders fans?

Apparently soccer is more popular in America than was previously thought.

Research shows that red food coloring may lead to cancer. More bad news for people who like McDonald's hamburgers.

Research shows that people are able to suppress bad memories over time with practice. I believe these people are called "Cubs fans".

A study says that wives have more power at home than men in making decisions and in dominating discussions. Especially if the husband has ever been caught cheating.

A study says that chronic insomnia is a sign of other mental health problems like depression or anxiety. The depression is mostly a result of not being able to sleep and having to watch late night television.

China will be performing food checks at the upcoming 2008 Olympics. They want to make sure the cardboard additives to food are properly chopped and flavored.

A poll says 92% of Americans want the origin of food put on the label. Apparently no one is interested in where the food will end up, on their thighs, hips, butts...

Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon told a group of kids he would like to go back to the moon. Apparently at 77 years old he was impressed with the new diaper technology displayed by stalker astronaut Lisa Nowak.

A judge has ordered Chicago Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher and his ex-girlfriend to take parenting classes concerning their two year old child. Apparently the NFL just isn't as up to speed with the NBA on child raising.

Hank Aaron recalled the racial hatred that was exhibited when he broke Babe Ruth's home run record. This shows how far we have come in the last 33 years. Barry Bonds is not hated for his race, but because he is a jerk.

Wrigley Field was torn up by a concert by the Police. Apparently the outfield isn't used to that much traffic, particularly when the Cubs are batting.

The Police haven't done that much damage in Chicago since the 1968 Democratic Convention.

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice was the keynote speaker at a WNBA luncheon. Rice encouraged the WNBA players to get involved in health, poverty and social equality. Mostly because the Bush Administration has no interest in any of those issues.

Rice encouraged the WNBA to work on poverty and social equality. But to give up on every getting paid like the NBA.

While Rice tried to tailor her remarks to a basketball crowd, she purposely avoided any mention of the term "slam dunk".

An ice shipment that was trucked around the country in the wake of Hurricane Katrina was finally melted and sent down the drain. New Orleans turned down the $12 million shipment, even after FEMA offered to turn it into a huge ice carving of Mike Brown.

A Nevada couple blames the Internet for their addiction to video games that resulted in them neglecting their two young children. They realize the computer kept them from spending more quality time with their kids in the casinos and buffet lines.

Wisconsin is the first state to consider a law regarding custody of pets in a divorce. Couples may have to start signing "pre-pup" agreements when they get married.

It could result in the first "kitty litter support" payments.

China has suspended importing U.S. shipments of chicken feet and pig ears because of fears of tainted meat. That just means more hot dogs for us!

A Wyoming woman was shot and killed while singing in a bar. Some people just don't know how far to take their Simon Cowell impressions.

Al Gore's youngest daughter was married over the weekend in California. As a sign of political support for her father, she married an Eskimo.

The government says a new tape from Osama bin Laden has no new content. Apparently this is the terrorist threat summer rerun season.

Apparently bin Laden had nothing new to say. "Great Satan", "Infidels" and 72 virgins in heaven for terrorists" were repeated over and over again.

Skybus Airlines offers flights as low as $10 one way. The airline can offer such low prices because of no frills flights. One of the questions passengers are asked upon boarding is "So, you know how to fly one of these things?"

Research shows that nearly half of all iPhone buyers broke a contract to sign up for AT&T service with their iPhone. In other words, they have no plans to use the iPhone as a phone.

A study says that high sugar content foods may affect eyesight. Apparently we're eating so much sugar, our extra fat is growing over our eyes.

A study says that children born with in vitro fertilization are taller than those who are naturally conceived. Apparently the only kids taller than those born through IVF are those born through NBA.

Andrew Speaker, the traveling TB patient who flew to Europe is being sued by nine fellow passengers for $1.3 million. The passengers claim he contaminated the air inside the plane almost as badly as traveling to Europe.

Johns Hopkins hospital in Baltimore was chosen the best hospital in the nation for the 17th year in a row. Mostly because it isn't Walter Reed.

Because of its proximity to the nation's capital and the Kennedy family, it gets lots of practice in treating car accident victims and detox patients.

The U.S. has banned the slaughter of immobile cows that can't stand or walk. Or as McDonald's calls them, "veggie patties".

Jessica Simpson claims her boobs are real. Everyone else claims she is a real boob.

Jessica Simpson says her boobs are just as real as the nose on her sister's face.

Prince has angered the music industry by giving away his latest CD in a British tabloid. The CD is called "Planet Earth". The CD isn't biodegradable, but apparently the music is all recycled.

CBS News President Sean McManus has downplayed rumors of a shakeup at the network anchor desk, says Katie Couric isn't going anywhere. Apparently like any captain, she is expected to go down with the ship.

Iraq Prime Minister Nuri Al-Maliki says the U.S. can leave Iraq at any time. That time is apparently when Iraq runs out of oil.

Researchers say that difficulty identifying simple smells like bananas and lemons can be a sign of Alzheimer's Disease. Or say, a cold.

The world's largest solar farm is being planned near Fresno, California. When President Bush heard this, he was afraid they would have to bring in illegal aliens from the sun to tend to the crops.

Human fossil remains have been found in Ethiopia, going back to more than three million years ago. There is a continuous record of evolution there, with each advancement trying to figure out how to get out of Ethiopia.

The Philadelphia Phillies became the first pro sports team to ever lose 10,000 games. That's like losing every game for more than 61 years. Tampa Bay Devil Rays fans need to be patient. They've only been around since 1998.

A Bolivian beauty contest winner was disqualified after it was discovered she was wearing fake braids. In the U.S. contestants wear fake braids to cover the fact they haven't gotten fake boobs and lips.

That's it for now, oh faithful readers! I am a little slow this week. I just had a mole removed from my chest. Which is a heck of a lot better than having a gerbil removed from one's behind (Or so I am told...) So while these jokes may not be funny, at least I am being kept in stitches. So if you can't send the love, how about a little sympathy...?

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