Sunday, July 01, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...The 4th of July is almost here, celebrating independence from England. Now if we could only break free from China...

The Arizona Highway Patrol pulled over the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile because they thought it was a stolen vehicle. Police eventually let the driver go after grilling him.

When a report went out about a stolen "Weinermobile", it actually was referring to a Kia.

The police let the driver go when they realized everything was Kosher.

An Illinois woman is mad that her 12 year old daughter was given a goodie bag containing a sex toy catalog and condoms at a Hillary Duff concert. The bag was actually supposed to be given to people at a Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan concert.

A Texas inmate failed to tell a joke as he promised before his execution. Apparently he didn't want to die twice on the same stage.

The Munger Potato Festival Queen in Michigan had her title taken away for not attending enough events. She evidently turned into a couch potato.

Police in Pennsylvania are investigating a golf outing where strippers were performing lap dances on the golfers. Police became suspicious when groups were being sent out in threesomes.

Rudy Giuliani says he will govern like Arnold Schwarzenegger if elected president. What he means is that his next wife will come from the Kennedy family.

President Bush told an audience that "One day the Good Lord will take Fidel Castro away". If that doesn't work, invading Cuba is always an alternative.

President Bush is relying in the Good Lord to take Castro away. Is he getting advice from Pat Robertson again?

Senator John McCain says he would be "nuts" to quit his presidential candidacy. That didn't stop Dennis Kucinich from starting his.

Barbra Streisand was awarded France's Legion of Honor for her work in entertainment. Her husband, James Brolin had already won the award, for showing courage in being married to Barbra Streisand.

Congress voted itself a $4,400 a year pay raise. Apparently now that they can't harass the Pages anymore, they need some extra spending money to go to the local strip clubs.

Billionaire Warren Buffett says the federal tax system favors the rich. President Bush agreed, saying that sometimes the government is able to get the right things done.

Buffett didn't say he wanted to change it. He was just giving thanks for a job well done.

A poll says feminist women don't trust Hillary Clinton to be president. Of course if anyone understands how hard it is to trust a Clinton as president, it is Hillary.

The White House says President Bush misspoke when he said the proposed Immigration Bill offers amnesty to illegal aliens. The White House knows that is the one excuse that everyone will always believe.

Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is writing a book defending the War in Iraq. It will be published under "Fiction".

Former Senator Fred Thompson's ex-wife and former girlfriends all say they endorse him for President. No word yet on who the ex-wives of Rudy Giuliani and former girlfriends of Bill Clinton are endorsing.

Rudy Giuliani is voluntarily refraining from taking communion. Apparently with three marriages under his belt, he is giving the other sacraments a break from abuse for now.

Tennessee is requiring everyone buying beer to show ID proving they are 21 years old. Of course if you look 14 it's still OK to get married there.

Tennessee is requiring everyone buying beer to show ID. Apparently after losing enough teeth it's easy to look 21.

Former astronaut Lisa Nowak's attorney says she was not wearing a diaper when she was arrested in Florida. He says she simply drove 900 miles to kidnap a romantic rival while wearing a disguise and still being married. Her attorney says the diaper rumor makes her sound like some kind of nut case.

A Wisconsin cheese carver has transformed a 700 pound block of cheese into a likeness of Mt. Rushmore. Apparently all the presidents carved into the mountain died of hardening of the arteries.

A California man paid more than $650 thousand to have lunch with Billionaire Warren Buffett. When asked for some advice, Buffett told him "For one thing, don't spend $650 thousand on lunch."

Buffett asked the man "Let me guess, you inherited your money?"

The worst part of the meal is that the man had to tip $130,000.

Gallaudet University, the only liberal arts college for the deaf has been placed on probation. Unfortunately, the first warning was given orally.

A beach side guest house owned by Tiger Woods was destroyed by fire. It could cost Woods as much as three holes worth of earnings to pay for a new one.

Democratic candidates for president have gone on the record backing higher taxes for the wealthy. In other words, it was a direct attack on their republican counterparts.

A government report says prisons and jails added 42,000 inmates last year. And that doesn't even count the congressmen currently out on bail.

A competition has started to pick a new list of the Seven Wonders of the World. One site sure to make the list is Bill Gates' mansion. It's a wonder to all how a computer geek could possibly have become so wealthy.

Another site on the list will probably be the Playboy Mansion in Hollywood. Mainly because men are making the list.

A study says most Canadians would fail their own citizenship test given to new immigrants. So would most Americans. Of course, we have an excuse. Ours is given in Spanish.

Businesses across the country are helping people lose weight for insurance considerations. Mostly by cutting salaries and benefits so everyone needs a second job and doesn't have time to eat.

The iPhone went on sale over the weekend. The device has several functions, but the phone service is only available through AT&T. So it comes with an optional hand crank.

Buying a state of the art phone that uses AT&T phone service is like buying a Maserati with a wood burning engine.

The iPhone requires using AT&T phone service. In other words, it is great, as long as you don't use it as a phone.

The AMA has backed off on calling excessive video playing an addiction. Apparently they changed their minds after getting death threats from several video gamers.

The AMA has reclassified excessive video gaming from being an addiction. Apparently standing in line for days to spend $600 on a system and getting violent when the store runs out is now considered "enthusiastic consumerism".

A new book chronicles a Louisiana family's attempt to go a year without buying any goods marked "Made in China". The family finally succeeds by joining a sect of Amish nudists.

The book is available anywhere books are sold. Except Wal-Mart.

A Wal-Mart spokesperson says buying Chinese goods helped Sam Walton achieve the American dream.

Prince is giving away his new CD free inside an edition of a British tabloid. He is now becoming known as "The Artist who formerly used to be able to sell CDs".

England is joining the list of places to ban smoking in public. Restaurants are upset because if customers can't smoke, they may be able to taste the food.

The World Health Organization is advising travelers to exercise their legs to avoid blood clots on airline flights. With security and airport delays, they say it's getting easier and faster just to walk where you're going, anyway.

Tiger Woods discusses his workout routine in the latest "Men's Fitness" magazine. He has been working on endurance to be able to walk in the uncharted areas to look for his tee shots.

An Egyptian Mummy has been identified as Queen Hatshepsut, a 15th century B.C. Pharaoh. Hatshepsut is considered the most powerful female Pharaoh ever. They could tell because she was buried wearing a pantsuit.

The U.N. says "desertification" could force as many as 50 million people from their homes in the next several years. That's almost as many as will be forced out by variable interest mortgages.

Researchers say they may construct the DNA of Neanderthals despite degradation of the existing DNA. This is the greatest advancement in the history of Neanderthals since the Geico Cavemen.

Sports agent Scott Boras wants the World Series extended to nine games, with the first two games to be played at a neutral site. That means Wrigley Field.

A 76 year old Utah woman was banned from a bus station after giving birth control advice to young mothers. Her best advice to avoid pregnancy is to turn 76.

A U.S. border fence in New Mexico was accidentally built across the border on Mexican land and will cost $3 million to fix. Before we enforce the border, it would be nice if our people actually knew where it is.

Al Gore has come up with a 7 point pledge to curb global warming. Unfortunately, no one has been able to stay awake to hear him read past point three.

Sweden is using confiscated smuggled alcohol to fuel public transportation. In the U.S. the same thing is being used to fuel Northwest pilots.

A proposed $2500 new car line in India will add to carbon emissions according to experts. They say the car should be given an inflated sticker price well above it's value. Here in the U.S. we call that a "Ford".

Half of the federal contract money in the U.S. in 2006 was awarded with no bidding. The other half of the contracts weren't for services offered by Halliburton.

The Mickey Mouse double used on Hamas television was beaten to death in the show's final episode. It was the biggest humiliation for Mickey since Euro Disney.

Blockbuster is closing 282 stores across the country. Employees were given two days to leave, or be assessed a late fee.

Apparently "Netflix" put the "Bust" into Blockbuster.

John and Timothy Rigas from Adelphia Cable have been ordered to jail, three years after their fraud convictions. They were ordered to report to jail sometime on Monday through Friday, between 8 AM and 5 PM.

A report says there are now 9.5 million millionaires in the world. Otherwise known as "oil executives".

The ATM is celebrating its 40th anniversary. The ATM is being given credit for building every new hotel and casino built in Las Vegas since the 1960s.

Honda topped the rankings for customer satisfaction for four models in the latest survey. most owners say they are completely satisfied they didn't buy a Ford.

California reportedly has the worst traffic jams in the nation, with 52% of interstates congested. The other 48% are still under construction.

Montana, Wyoming and the Dakotas reported no traffic congestion. They also reported no interstates.

Northwest Airlines is blaming its pilots for increased flight cancellations. Pilots say it is a matter of logistics. They just can't make it to work with the 24 hour no drinking rule.

A report says half of all Americans will not take a vacation this summer. The only people who can afford vacations anymore with the price of gas are those living within three miles of an attraction.

Golfer Jean Van de Velde will miss this year's British Open at Carnoustie, the site of his triple bogey finish in 1999. In a related story, John Daly is refusing to take any dates to Sizzler.

It's the 40th anniversary of the "Summer of Love". Back then everyone was touting "free love" Those same people now have to pay $50 for a bottle of Viagra.

Michael Jackson denies he is bedridden or on painkillers. Apparently he is now claiming "Jesus Juice" as a religious practice.

John Stamos blames some erratic behavior on Australian TV on jet lag. He seemed out of sorts and his speech was slurred. Things really got out of hand when he ordered a hamburger to eat on the floor.

Why was John Stamos even being interviewed on Australian TV? Are they ten years behind in their re-runs?

Some parents are spending as much as $60 an hour on personal trainers for their kids. They would do a lot better spending the money on tutors.

A Japanese company has invented a device that gives a few seconds warning that an earthquake is going to occur. It also approximates the number of months it will take FEMA to react.

A Pittsburgh Pirates fan protest against the team's poor performance fizzled when only a few thousand fans left in the third inning of a game. When someone leaves a game that early it's just assumed they must be a Dodger fan.

Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban had his left hip replaced. He will be on crutches for two to three weeks. Just like his team was when they played in their series against Golden State.

iPhone buyers stressed the AT&T activation line trying to get their service set up. AT&T just isn't used to actually having people sign up for their phone service.

Hospital and doctor visits are up 20%, according to a study. The study also says the biggest prescription item is anti-depressants. They are prescribed to help people cope with their doctor and hospital bills.

A study has identified five types of alcoholism. Apparently the top two in Hollywood are the "Lindsay Lohan-Nick Nolte" driving alcoholism and the "Mel Gibson-Michael Richards" racist rant alcoholism.

The world Health Organization says the threat of deep vein thrombosis doubles after four hours of travel. Which equates with what JetBlue calls "Preparing for takeoff".

A Connecticut doctor claims that Harry Potter likely suffers from migraine headaches. His patients say that is interesting, but it would be nice if he started diagnosing real people at some point.

A researcher at Northwestern University is looking for physical clues of a person's sexuality. So far he has determined one way to tell is if a person does or says anything like Richard Simmons.

Security is being boosted for the upcoming concert to mark the ten year anniversary of the death of Princess Diana. A security boost? Isn't it a bit late for that?

Bon Jovi has their first #1 album since 1988. That was so long ago, Michael Jackson was still on nose number three.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Remember, you don't need an iPhone to send the love...

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