Sunday, July 22, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...President Bush had a colonoscopy over the weekend...Apparently there were concerns about another White House leak...

Quarterback Michael Vick has been indicted in connection with a dog fighting ring. Nike has delayed introducing Vick's latest shoe. Not because of the charges. Vick claims the shoes were eaten by his dog.

A character in the "Funky Winkerbean" comic strip is going to be allowed to die despite protests from readers. The overwhelming response was to kill off "Ziggy" instead.

President Bush had a colonoscopy over the weekend. He relinquished power to Vice President Cheney during the procedure. Otherwise known as "business as usual".

The procedure had to be done in this case by a brain surgeon.

The procedure took longer than expected. Apparently the medical team went in without an exit strategy, either.

When the colonoscopy was over, the President says that reminded him that he needs to push for more domestic oil drilling.

Former televangelist Tammy Faye Baker died at 65. Shortly before her death she appeared with Larry King. It was unsettling to watch someone looking so near death to be on television. Tammy Faye didn't look well, either.

An English schoolgirl lost her fight to wear a "virginity ring" to her school which doesn't allow jewelry. In the U.S. those rings are pretty much non-existent after pre-school.

Instead of virginity rings, in the U.S. we have chess club sweaters.

A 13 year old Pennsylvania boy killed his 16 year old brother over taking turns for a video game. He said killing his brother was almost as realistic and violent as the game they were playing.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says he would like to see independents vote in the state's Republican Primary. Apparently there is a shortage of people who are willing to admit they are Republican these days.

The latest trend on the dating scene is "ecosexuals", who want to even keep their romantic life green. There just seems something creepy about someone wanting to recycle a condom.

Apparently ecosexuals are not completely against drilling in unexplored areas in all cases.

Ecosexuals will only have sex in the back seat of a hybrid or electric powered car.

The cost of flying on a Russian space mission to the International Space Station is going up from $25 million to $30 million, due to the weakening of the dollar. How bad is it that the dollar is now worth less even in outer space?

The Vatican says it may drop a prayer for the conversion of Jews from the Latin Mass. It will be replaced with a prayer for Catholic priests to convert to heterosexual.

Wal-Mart is going to sell Biblical action figures. They are trying to cash in on the popularity of other action figures by saying Jesus is "transforming" the heathens into Christians.

A woman flying from San Francisco to Denver on Frontier Airlines was arrested for repeatedly hitting her two kids. She was charged with endangering her children by taking them on a Frontier Airlines flight.

A burglary crew has reportedly taken more than $7 million in jewelry and other items from several L.A. mansions. Apparently they are let in by kids who assume they are a former stepfather or their mother's new boyfriend.

India has elected their first woman president. Apparently they have even been able to outsource Hillary Clinton.

The FBI is investigating whether an NBA referee bet on games he was working. He supposedly made bad calls to influence the games. The question is, how could anyone tell?

Suspicions were first raised when the referee kept getting on his cell phone every time Shaquille O'Neal went to the free throw line.

A polls says most female voters have negative feelings about Hillary Clinton. Mostly from what happens when they are caught with Bill.

President Bush signed a statement allowing harsh questioning of suspects. He can do that now that he has commuted "Scooter" Libby's sentence.

Washington, D.C. is taking its handgun ban to the Supreme Court. The mayor says he is trying to protect residents. He has enough trouble as it is just keeping them safe from congress.

The TSA says mothers without infants along can now carry more than 3 ounces of breast milk on flights. Why would mothers take breast milk along without their kids? How bad has airline coffee gotten?

Officials in a rural valley of British Columbia in Canada want cell phone service kept out of the area. In other words, they are trying to keep the population confined to those people 80 and older.

Fifi, one of the world's oldest chimpanzees has died at age 60 in Australia. Her long life is attributed to a good diet, proper care and not accepting invitations to hang out and party at Neverland Ranch with Bubbles.

PETA wants the NFL to suspend quarterback Michael Vick for the season because of his indictment on dog fighting charges. And for eating a hamburger when he was ten.

Poker world champ Phil Laak is challenging a computer to a poker match. He plans to intimidate it by instead of using poker chips, he'll bet with microprocessor chips.

The federal minimum wage raise from $5.15 to $5.85 has gone into effect. The same law also raises the minimum lobbyist bribe for congressmen from dinner to a trip to the Bahamas.

A 75 year old Swedish woman has been given the fastest residential Internet uplink in the world. The connection can download a full length movie in two seconds. So far she has managed to browse and find two recipes for meatloaf.

Giving a 75 year old woman a 40 gig per second Internet connection is like watching some old geezer with cataract sunglasses grinding gears in a Maserati. It's enough to make you cry.

If my wife had that kind of connection, I would own everything offered on eBay within five minutes.

Concert cellist Nancy Donaruma has retired from the New York Philharmonic to become a paramedic. Apparently she wanted to get into a business that kept the same clientele.

Pakistan is getting its first locally produced murder themed horror film. It's called "Hell's Ground" and is full of blood, gore, and violence. In Pakistan that's called a documentary.

A survey says doctors' mistakes cause stress, sleep problems and a loss of confidence. Mostly from the prospect of losing revenue from a dead patient.

Doctors' mistakes cause them stress, sleep problems and loss of confidence. The patient only has to worry about being dead.

If doctors make too many mistakes, they have to worry about being sent into the V.A. Hospital system.

A large 2nd Century Roman bath house was dug up in Rome. An inscription in the stone work read "They could use a few of these in France".

The "Chinook" Computer has been programmed so that it cannot lose in checkers. Apparently when its opponent gets close to winning, it flips the board off the table.

The Los Angeles Diocese of the Catholic Church has settled more than five hundred priest molestation lawsuits for $660 million. The settlement was going to be $666 million but they thought that might give the church a bad image.

Even Michael Jackson's jaw dropped when he heard there were more than five hundred abuse cases.

Insurance companies are paying out $227 million of the settlement. The church bought sex abuse insurance. I'm just curious why a church would even think of carrying sex abuse insurance?

How the church got sex abuse insurance is a mystery. Shouldn't they have been disqualified for having a pre-existing condition?

The Catholic Church is trying to bring back the Latin Mass. Apparently they are just going to punish everyone for the sex scandal.

A new law says immigrants will have to pay thousands of more dollars to enter the U.S. after July 30th. Or they can just walk across the border any time for free.

A 4.2 magnitude earthquake struck San Francisco, breaking windows and rattling nerves. What do you call someone who is unnerved by an earthquake in San Francisco? A tourist.

The federal government is giving $1 billion to fix police and fire department radios that have been having problems since before 9/11. That was six years ago. Who is in charge of this program, FEMA?

An Ohio teenager is being accused of robbing a bank to pay his tuition at the University of Cincinnati. He was immediately enrolled in the CEO program of the business school.

People were shocked to hear of the robbery. The University of Cincinnati charges tuition?

Teachers, students and administrators at Touro College in New York are being charged with altering records to give out fake degrees. Authorities became suspicious when people started putting Touro College on their resumes.

Warm winter temperatures has caused a town in the Swiss Alps to close down their ski slopes due to lack of snow. Apparently those alp horn concerts just aren't enough to draw a lot of tourists.

A survey says that only a third of white people are rooting for Barry Bonds to break Hank Aaron's home run record. The survey also showed that a third of white people even care about baseball any more.

New technology will allow Japan to warn its citizens about earthquakes twenty seconds ahead of time. Scientists are hoping the technology can be used for more important means, like warning people about Jehovah's Witnesses approaching their house.

An application to Eastern Illinois University got the attention of the bomb squad as it was sloppily packaged, poorly written and addressed with misspellings. The bomb squad came to the conclusion it must have been sent by a student athlete.

A French man with an incredibly tiny brain due to a fluid buildup in his skull has puzzled doctors. The man has a family and a job. Doctors were really amazed at his accomplishments until they found out he is a French civil servant.

Seven kangaroos in a zoo in Mexico died from stress from thunderstorm noise. They had arrived in April and apparently thought it was another round of Cinco de Mayo.

Another theory has it that there was no one left at the zoo to take care of the kangaroos since they were all in California.

Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki has urged Parliament to cancel or shorten its summer vacation to get back to work. Apparently Iraq has really tried to copy our form of government.

The Pentagon paid the Rand Corporation $400,000 for a study to help improve the image of the War in Iraq. The study suggests making O.J. Simpson the new Iraqi Ambassador.

The study would have an easier time turning Three Mile Island into a tourist resort destination.

Dubai is building what will be the world's tallest building. When completed, it will be 141 stories high. Imagine how comfortable that will be in the middle of a Saharan summer to be even closer to the sun.

Hopefully the building will have both air conditioning and elevators.

A couple that met as jurors in a murder case will be married by the judge that presided over the trial. At least he is used to handing out life sentences.

Hershey profits dropped 96% in the second quarter. Never mind the Dow, or the inflation index. When Americans stop buying chocolate, the economy is in trouble.

A Senate committee has approved an anti-indecency measure for broadcasting. After the Mark Foley and David Vitter sex scandals, the only channel that will be affected is C-SPAN.

The National Insurance Crime Bureau says that most car thefts take place in July and August. It's not because they want the cars. Global warming has made summer so hot that thieves just want to ride around in the air conditioning.

A British made amphibious car called the Aquada will be sold in the U.S. for $85,000. Apparently it is being endorsed by FEMA for anyone living in hurricane prone areas.

Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman says the allegations of referee gambling shouldn't hurt the city's bid for an NBA franchise. With all the casinos in town, it will just cut out the middleman.

A study says that by 2015, 75% of U.S. adults will be overweight, and 41% will be obese. And only 6% will be able to win on "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?"

A study says that the American image of being rugged individualists hurts our ability to see other points of view. Or mostly that we just don't care.

The Pentagon is trying to reduce stress in troops by granting more R&R days for troops in Iraq and Afghanistan. Just how much rest and relaxation can an off duty soldier really get in Iraq and Afghanistan?

A study says that 4% of American youths who got online were asked to send explicit photos of themselves. Most of them were asked by the study's researchers.

An appeals court has ruled that pat down searches are legal at San Francisco 49'er football games. In fact, many fans were demanding it. Especially the ones showing up dressed as Indians, motorcycle police and construction workers.

49'er fans are usually asked to hand over shoelaces and sharp objects to keep from killing themselves during games.

240 people were trapped inside the St. Louis Gateway Arch. Most the people were there because they thought it was a big McDonald's.

Beatles fans are mad that the classic song "All You Need Is Love" is being used in a commercial for Luvs diapers. Because of stalking astronaut Lisa Nowak, they are going to advertise adult diapers with Elton John's "Rocket Man".

McDonald's is going to offer a 42 ounce soft drink called the "Hugo". It should be called the "Igottago".

At 410 calories, it should be called the "Huge Ass".

A study says that teenagers are worse drivers than the elderly. Of course, what's driving with a blinker on all the time when compared with trying to drive while listening to an iPod and talking on an iPhone while text messaging and watching a movie.

CBS has a new reality show called "Kid Nation" where 40 kids have free reign in an uninhabited town with no adults. Don't we already have that? I think it's called "The Suburbs".

The NFL is going to require all professional photographers at football games to wear vests that say "Canon". That would be like requiring all the reporters to wear vests that say "Fox".

A new fingerprint technique could reveal the race and sex of suspects just from their prints. Of course, if they are covered with potato chip grease, it pretty much means they are looking for a guy.

Saturn has now been discovered to have 60 moons. Imagine how crazy they go there when they are all full.

Gary Player says he knows of two PGA Tour golfers who are using steroids. I think we can pretty much rule out Corey Pavin. And John Daly has tested positive. For Big Macs.

The British Open was played in miserable weather. All four rounds were windy with rain and highs in the 50s at Carnoustie in Scotland. What do you call July temperatures in the 50s in Scotland? Global warming.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! How do I put out so much garbage week after week? It's all because of the love...

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