Sunday, July 08, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...Fires and hot temperatures are plaguing the west...Or as Al Gore calls it..."A sequel!"

A professor at LSU says Mr. Rogers deserves some of the blame for the entitlement exhibited by today's college students. He also says the Cookie Monster must be held responsible for them being so fat.

The Ohio Express, famous for the 1960s hit "Yummy Yummy Yummy" is being accused of having someone else sing on their records. Or as Britney Spears calls them, "Pioneers".

The new Iranian news channel, "Press TV" is being criticized as being political and one-sided. Or as we call that here in the U.S., "Fair and Balanced".

A report says the U.S. is becoming the "No vacation" nation as the only nation with no guaranteed vacation leave. European nations lead the world with up to six weeks time off. Americans would apparently rather work than take vacations and stand in line with all those Europeans.

Anti-war protesters are refusing to pay taxes because they don't want to support the war effort. Tax experts are advising them that if they don't want to pay taxes, they just need to make more than $200,000 a year.

New Jersey says it won't spend two hundred thousand dollars to spruce up the grave sites of five signers of the Declaration of Independence who are buried there. The state says if they wanted nice grave sites they should have died somewhere else.

Shaquille O'Neal says he may run for sheriff of Broward County, Florida. Apparently it's considered the best way to get to meet Paris Hilton.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has rejected an offer from Oliver Stone to make a movie about him. He says Stone does a good job with "BC" films like "Alexander", but how will he be able to handle a 14th century AD piece like modern day Iran?

A study says nearly one in three Americans abuse alcohol. The other two just enjoy getting drunk.

Dracula's Castle in Transylvania is being sold for $135 million. One concern for potential buyers of the property is the fear of blood sucking monsters. With that high a price tag, it's hard to keep real estate agents out of the picture.

Mexican telecommunications tycoon Carlos Slim Helu is now the richest man in the world, passing Bill Gates. He can now sneak into the U.S. in the trunk of his Rolls Royce.

NASA has bought a $19 million Russian built toilet for the International Space Station. The Air Force said it could have gotten them one for only $17 million.

Actually, the toilet only cost $60. The rest of it was spent on getting a plumber to install it on overtime.

Paul Simon is backing Christopher Dodd for President. He says Hillary Clinton is just riding on the coattails of Bill Clinton. Which means Art Garfunkle will support her.

The west is burning up in the middle of a heat wave. Even Paris Hilton is saying "Being this hot is not hot."

Nearly half the employees at the National Hurricane Center want Director Bill Proenza fired. As a sign of solidarity, they all showed up to work with black tape on their pocket protectors.

The employees at FEMA were shocked. "There's a National Hurricane Center?"

Six foreign born doctors are among the eight people suspected of the British terror attack. Apparently they were suspected because of their ties to other subversive terrorist organizations. HMOs.

Four out of five Americans surveyed say the government is not doing enough to scrutinize people coming across borders. The other one is an undocumented worker.

Two Oklahoma girls aged ten and twelve have been arrested after kidnapping a one year old boy and demanding a $200,000 ransom. Remember the old days when kids would open a lemonade stand to make some extra money?

Al Gore's son was arrested for possession of marijuana and prescription pills to treat ADD. There was no comment issued about the pot. But for the ADD drugs, remember, Al Gore is his dad.

Seven in ten Americans say the income gap in the country is too wide. The other three are rich.

Seven in ten Americans say the income gap is too wide. Too wide for them to buy all the new stuff they want.

Two scholars have recommended Iraq be divided into three parts. One for Halliburton, One for ExxonMobil and one for ConocoPhillips.

Minnesota has passed a law making it illegal to fly a U.S. flag not made in the United States. The state believes Old Glory should be manufactured in America, where local factories can keep profits right here by using illegal immigrant workers.

The Minnesota Twins scored 32 runs in a doubleheader over the weekend. Or as the Cubs call 32 runs, "July".

Bus drivers in Orange County, California have gone on strike. It is estimated the shut down in public transportation could affect as many as three people.

International tourism in the U.S. is down 17% since before the 9/11 attack. In order to pump up that number, the government is now referring to illegal immigrants as labor tourists".

A livestock truck in California overturned, killing 240 goats. Since the accident involved goats, it is being investigated by "Nanny 911".

A study says 45% of Americans favor impeaching President Bush. The rest just want him to go on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney.

A restaurant in Lima, Peru was shut down for turning away dark skinned customers. No one had any idea that Peru had any Denny's franchises.

Volkswagen is considering building a factory in the U.S. if the dollar weakens any more against the Euro. The Bush economic plan is working. All the jobs we lost to outsourcing to weaker economies are now coming back due to our weakening economy.

Adidas has signed a deal with Dale Earnhardt, Jr. Part of the deal includes a special driving shoe. Apparently the shoe allows the driver to steer with their foot so their hands are free to use their cell phone and flip off other drivers.

Adidas has developed a special driving shoe. How lazy have we become? Remember when shoes were used for walking?

An Ohio company is offering insurance for iPhones. Apparently it insures people against overpaying for any other gadgets they don't need also.

Burger King is switching over to trans fat free oil for frying. Our idea of health food in this country is to make it so the food we eat doesn't kill us quite as fast as it used to.

A review of scientific studies shows that nutrition education is failing. It's all part of the No Child Without a Big Behind plan.

Nutrition education is failing? What was their first clue...That first graders can't fit behind their desks any more?

Egypt is attempting to cut down smoking in public. There motto is "Don't be a wheeza when you come to Giza."

Egypt is also working on getting people to eat a better diet. They like the idea of the food pyramid, but aren't sure how they can work the idea of pyramids in with their culture.

A study says women don't talk any more than men. The women averaged about 16,000 words a day, mostly telling researchers they didn't talk that much.

A California man who attacked a TV reporter on camera was given a year in jail. The judge considered leniency only if the man had attacked Geraldo.

The world's largest public restroom has opened in China, with 1,000 toilets. The building is 32,000 square feet. It takes over first place from the New York subway system.

A poll says 92% of Americans would vote for a Black presidential candidate, with 86% saying they would vote for a woman for president. Of course, they would only vote for those candidates if they weren't Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton.

100% of Americans agree they wouldn't vote for Dennis Kucinich.

Teachers are questioning the No Child Left Behind Law merit pay. Teachers say having sex with their students is reward enough for now.

Australian Prime Minister John Howard says oil had nothing to do with Australian involvement in Iraq. He said it was about helping Iraqis embrace democracy. After they have democracy, then we take their oil.

Ireland's top bookmaker had to pay out $13,000 to people who bet Al Gore would be the next celebrity arrested. When Gore's son, Al Gore III was arrested, the bookie had to pay because it didn't specify which Al Gore. The question is, who thought Al Gore would be arrested for anything? When did "boring" become a crime?

Coca-Cola is looking to buy Snapple, or start their own tea brand. How hard is it to come up with tea? They've been selling sugar water for more than a century. It can't be that hard to make tea.

CVC capital partners wants to buy Samsonite luggage for $1.7 billion. The only problem is the company comes with a lot of baggage.

Enron is being accused of botching payments to ex-employees, some being overpaid and others overpaid. What are the odds of Enron having accounting problems?

Apple reports that more than a half million iPhones were sold in the first week. With AT&T handling phone service, in another month the phones should be operational.

A half million iPhones were sold in the first week, at $600 a pop. Once again, P.T. Barnum is proven to be right.

Paul Wolfowitz has joined a Washington think tank. Wolfowitz helped plan the war in Iraq, and then had to resign from the World Bank after giving his girlfriend a big pay raise. He has joined the think tank so he can start asking himself, "What was I thinking?"

U.S. automakers are selling more cars with four cylinder engines. Ford has been leading the way. Their eight cylinder engines become four cylinder engines after about six months.

Ford is reporting strong sales in China. With a population of a billion people half way around the world, there's a good chance a lot of people have never heard about what their cars are like.

U.S. automakers report domestic sales are down, while Nissan and Toyota sales are up. Ford, GM and Chrysler are now the equivalent in the business world to Moe, Larry and Curly.

An auto industry group is endorsing congress' plan to have domestic cars up to 32 mpg by 2022. That gives the Big Three automakers fifteen years to come up with Plan B.

The Big Three automakers' plan for 32 mpg starts with "Buy a house on top of a big hill...".

A Canadian pizzeria offers a pornographic picture at the bottom of the box, which is revealed as the pizza is eaten. Only Americans would be more interested in finishing the pizza than looking at porn.

The idea originally didn't work until the pizzeria stopped using pictures of Canadian women.

The Yankees honored the members of the 1977 Championship team on Old Timers Day over the weekend. Usually "Old Timers' Day" refers to a Roger Clemens start.

All 189 Tour de France riders have signed an anti-doping charter. In a related story, all WWE wrestlers signed an agreement saying all their matches will be real.

Jockey Frankie Detton was suspended 14 days for overusing his whip. It was the most overused whip since Tom DeLay.

John Travolta says Scientology is one of the more tolerant religions, that anyone is accepted. Obviously, he was talking about Tom Cruise.

Miss New Jersey Amy Polumbo is being blackmailed for some compromising photos that were taken of her. How bad are those photos to be more compromising than being Miss New Jersey?

J.K. Rowling says she broke down in tears as she finished the final book in the "Harry Potter" series. You'd cry too if you came to the end of a billion dollar a book industry.

France's Prime Minister says the country is testing a plan to have free access to all museums. People around the world cheered the idea, as long as the French people aren't allowed inside.

Researchers say all diets are about the same, and that none of them work. They came to their conclusion after taking a look at Americans.

A study says that bullied kids take more meds than their peers. Until they get older, then the bullies start taking their good meds from them.

A U.S. health food company will start labeling their products as "Chinese Free". The products will not be available at Wal-Mart.

The company's top China Free product is their "tuna with dolphin bits".

Research shows that wine fights mouth germs and dental plaque. that must be why those downtown winos always have such great smiles.

The University of Alabama has denied half their ticket requests for football from the faculty and staff. Mostly because the football team has no idea who the people are on faculty and staff.

Steve Williams is denying he is quitting as Tiger Woods' caddy. The word is he is looking for another job that pays six figures and getting world wide recognition for carrying a bag.

Steve Williams is going through the same dilemma as those other famous caddies that wanted out of the business. Caddies like...you know the one that caddied for...and the one who. OK there are no famous caddies.

A study says that Midwesterners are more likely to volunteer their time than people elsewhere in the country. Mostly because Midwesterners have more time to volunteer since all their factories were shut down.

The city with the least amount of volunteers is Las Vegas. Of course many gamblers consider their losses as charitable donations to help build casinos and provide jobs.

A world wide vote picked the new Seven Wonders of the World. They are the great Wall of China, the ancient city of Petra in Jordan, the statue of Christ the Redeemer in Rio, Machu Pichu in Peru, the Mayan ruins at Chichen Itza in Mexico, the Colosseum in Rome and the Taj Mahal in India. Just missing out and finishing eighth was Donald Trump's comb over.

A Honda Hybrid owner is suing the company, saying the company claims the car gets 50 mpg when he only got 32 mpg. The company said "Well, yeah, if you drive uphill or in traffic..."

A poll says more people would prefer a boy to a girl if they had only one child. The study also said the people wouldn't need to have a preference if they had stayed away from alcohol.

A study says long flights can make airline passengers feel sick, including headaches, nausea and vomiting. And that's just waiting to get through airport security.

Long flights are anything over four hours. Or as JetBlue calls it, "preparing for takeoff".

Former "American Idol" runner up Clay Aiken reportedly had a spat with a woman on a flight to Oklahoma. Apparently he was embarrassed that they were wearing the same shoes.

"Jackass" star Johnny Knoxville has filed for divorce. Apparently the issue was spousal abuse. His wife just refused to do it to him.

A study shows that nearly half of all U.S. homes now have a broadband Internet connection. The increase is credited to more use by minorities and the poor, and faster access to online porn.

A study says Nordic companies lead in corporate responsibility. That includes issues concerning the environment, anti-corruption and human rights. Mostly because they don't have ExxonMobil or Nike.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers...Don't forget to wash behind your ears, floss, and most important...Send the love!
















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