Sunday, July 29, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...Barry Bonds is one home run away from Hank Aaron's record...I hope this doesn't give him a big head...

Hillary Clinton is set to appear on David Letterman's anniversary show in August. That's one anniversary she won't have to celebrate by herself this year.

NASA admits that some astronauts have gone on space missions while drunk. So that's how they got them to actually drink Tang.

It was finally revealed that "The Eagle has landed" was actually code for "The vodka delivery is here."

What else is there to do ins space besides talk to six other science nerds?

NASA hasn't mentioned any names, but rumors say it was "Buzz" Aldrin.

A rare dime has sold for $1.9 million dollars. This is not to be confused with dot coms where $1.9 million of stock is now worth a dime.

Paris Hilton is selling her Hollywood Hills home for $4.25 million. That doesn't include the cost of fumigation.

Three Wisconsin men had charges dropped in a plan to unearth a corpse for sex. Apparently their term for digging was "foreplay".

A train at the Cleveland zoo struck and killed a kangaroo, after hitting four other animals in the past seven years. So that's where retired Amtrak engineers end up.

I guess it's been awhile since I have been to the zoo, but didn't they used to keep the animals in fenced areas?

The FCC has ruled there is no need to bring back the Fairness Doctrine. Apparently it wouldn't do any good since cable news and talk radio adopted the "Moron Doctrine".

FBI Director Robert Mueller says China is stealing our military secrets. Why are they stealing our military secrets? Haven't they been watching what's going on in Iraq?

Mueller says the Chinese are stealing secrets to boost their own economy. They already know the best way to strengthen their economy is to keep selling us the cheap crap they make.

John McCain says we need to give better health care to our military veterans. He made his statement at the same time he was giving CPR and mouth to mouth resuscitation to his presidential campaign.

The FCC is concerned that televisions without digital converters will be useless after February of 2009. Of course, most people won't have to watch all the disasters on the news as President Bush will have been out of office for a month by then.

Kansas City Royals outfielder Emil Brown accidentally shot a TV reporter in the face with a pellet gun. He could receive up to eight years as Vice President.

The FBI says bank robberies have been on the increase the past few years. And that's just ATM fees.

Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband Frederic Von Anhalt was found naked in his car after he says a group of women robbed him. I guess if Zsa Zsa believed his story about being the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, this one makes perfect sense.

A New York postman has been accused of destroying an Indian artifact that was mailed on his route. Of course, when it was mailed it was still new.

The question is, who sends artifacts through the Post Office? I mean besides Omaha Steaks.

A study shows that fewer than half the people summoned for jury duty actually show up. When it comes to Hollywood celebrities on trial, most people figure "Why even bother?"

Jurors don't show up because they know they won't get in trouble. Who's going to convict them?

Texas has been declared drought free for the first time in a decade. Of course, that doesn't include the Dallas Cowboys.

Vice President Cheney had surgery to replace the battery that runs his heart. Apparently the old Sears Die Hard they had in there just didn't have the necessary cranking power.

Apparently there was a problem with corrosion. Not with the battery, with his heart.

Reader Dave Layman chipped in with this one..."The procedure meant that for two hours, Bush actually got to be President." Nice...Hey, I'll do the jokes here!

Usher cancelled his wedding to Tameka Foster . It was the first time a wedding has ever been cancelled due to the lack of an Usher.

The Comic Con was held over the weekend in San Diego. The comic book convention was expected to draw 120,000 fans. Area restaurants are preparing for the usual greeting. "Table for one?"

A babysitter in Illinois is being accused of pimping out a 12 year old girl in her care. Remember when the worst thing the babysitter would do was let the kids stay up past their bedtime?

President Bush has awarded thirty science and technology medals for breakthroughs in various sciences, including astrophysics, laser technology and climatology. He then denounced global warming, argued for oil drilling in the arctic wilderness and lobbied for creationism to be taught in schools.

A Chinese-Mexican has been indicted for drug trafficking into the U.S. A Chinese-Mexican is America's worst nightmare. He can make things cheaper and sneak them into the country himself.

Senator Charles Schumer says the Senate was "duped" into approving Supreme Court Justices John Roberts and Samuel Alito. He says they were too easily impressed by their testimony. They are more used to making decisions the old fashioned way, with lobbyist gifts and bribes.

Former Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor says judicial independence is under attack. She says rulings must be made based on legality and not popularity. Or in the case of the Florida 2000 election, neither.

Shell Oil reports a huge oil field find in Niger. Which means U.S. troops should be arriving by Thursday.

Nike has suspended Michael Vick's contract, Reebok has stopped production on his #7 Jersey and a major trading card company is pulling his picture. He can also pretty much count out being invited as a guest judge to the Westminster Dog Show.

Northwest Airlines is blaming a rash of cancelled flights on pilot absenteeism. That twelve hour no drinking rule just doesn't allow them enough time between flights.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average lost more than 500 points in two days last week. It would have been even worse if Ford were one of the companies figured in the average.

A survey shows that U.S. workers waste 20% of the day on the job taking care of personal business, socializing or on the Internet. Or taking part in surveys about what they are doing.

Competing publishers have pushed the advance of Keith Richards' autobiography up to $7.3 million. Or as he calls it, a half dozen kilos.

So far Richards' autobiography is a page and a half long. Apparently that's all he can remember.

Richards says the saddest part about writing his autobiography is getting to the part where he died.

A study says marijuana use increases the chances of becoming psychotic. If someone is psychotic, it's good if they're stoned since they would be too lazy to do anything about it.

A study says obesity is socially contagious. So an overweight person isn't fat, they are just outgoing.

Research shows that Texas leads the nation in the teenage birth rate. Apparently the Texas school teachers really take that "No child left behind" thing quite seriously.

Research shows that students that do more math in high school are better in science when they get to college. Did we really need research for that?

A study shows that Nevada has seen a big temperature gain over the past thirty years. Mostly from all the heat generated by lines of fat people congregating around the buffet tables.

I don't suppose that heat gain in Nevada could have anything to do with the fact they are in the middle of the desert?

A study shows that rural students are better in science than inner city kids. Except when it comes to building meth labs.

A New Jersey man has been arrested for stealing $28,000 from the Catholic Church. Molesting altar boys is one thing, but the Catholic Church draws the line when it comes to stealing from them.

Palm Desert in California is aiming to curb its energy use by 30% over the next few years to combat global warming. How much worse can it get? Temperatures are already running 110 degrees during the summer.

A poll says schools are spending more time doing reading and math than other subjects. They have no time left for sex education until after school with their teachers.

An ATM in Louisiana gave out $7,000 extra to people making withdrawls. It could take the bank as much as three days to make it all back in service charges.

An IKEA store in Oslo, Norway is inviting customers to stay the night. They will have thirty beds where people can sleep overnight after shopping all day. The only problem is that the shoppers will have to assemble the beds themselves.

A group of meditators in Iowa says that good vibrations from their meditating will push the Dow to 17,000 points this year, will ward off hurricanes and lead to better foreign relations for the U.S. If their vibrations are so good, why are they still in Iowa?

A New York City dentist who specializes in "smile improvements" is suing the city for $25 million because he can't get to his office following a steam pipe explosion. Apparently the thought of $25 million is his way of working on his own smile improvement.

Two Austrians and a German were fined for bicycling in the nude in Serbia which is in the middle of a heat wave. If those were rental bikes, hopefully the fine will be used for some new seats.

Apparently they were doing their own race, the "Tour de No Pants".

Senator Christopher Dodd has proposed a universal health care plan he calls the "Universal Health Mart". He could have picked a better name. When I hear the word "Mart" I think of K-Mart and Wal-Mart, not exactly the places I would associate with quality health care.

China has delayed a highway up Mt. Everest which is part of a plan to take the Olympic torch to the top of the mountain for the 2008 Olympics. How lazy are we getting? Pretty soon we'll be able to summit Everest without getting out of the car.

"Could you crank the AC a bit more? The air is getting pretty thin up here! Hey, pull over to that Base Camp Burger King, will ya? I'm getting a little hungry..."

A sacred bull in a Hindu monastery in Wales was slaughtered after contracting TB. That traveling TB patient-lawyer was lucky he made it back to the states from Europe.

Ford made a surprise quarterly profit. That comes as great news for the six remaining employees.

When talking about Ford, "profit" and "surprise" are pretty much redundant.

Nintendo's profit is up five times this year. Never underestimate the ability of lazy, couch ridden American teenagers to drive the economy.

Aquafina Water has disclosed that their bottled water comes from the tap. It's labeled as "PWS" for "public water source". Also standing for "Paid Willingly by Suckers".

Aquafina customers can pay $3 for a bottle of water, or they could turn on the tap and for the same amount of money could say, fill up a swimming pool.

Starbucks has raised their drink prices by nine cents. Isn't that like Mercedes Benz raising the prices of their cars by two dollars?

Why stop at nine cents? People are already willing to pay five dollars for a plain cup of coffee. They might as well just double the prices.

Porsche is introducing a hybrid SUV. Nothing says "Porsche" like a hybrid SUV. What's next, a Ferrari Mini Van?

The Porsche hybrid SUV. For the man who has everything, but is completely told what to do by his wife.

Chrysler is offering a lifetime warranty on its power trains. Ford figures its one year warranty pretty much covers the life of the car.

Buick doesn't have that problem. Their customers are so old they usually don't survive the car's warranty.

Wal-Mart will cut prices on 16,000 items for its back to school sale. Ironically, the average Wal-Mart customer hasn't made it past the third grade.

California home defaults are at a ten year high. People are finding their cars have more square footage than their million dollar home.

Miami Dolphins receiver Chris Chambers says his image hasn't been tainted by his arrest for DUI. In other words, he owes a lot of thanks to Pacman Jones and Michael Vick.

New technology allows NASCAR fans to "see the air" in the drafting of the race cars. The only other place to see the air while driving is on the 405 freeway in Los Angeles.

The football coach of Stanford called the USC Trojan football team the best college team in history. Some people are calling the Oakland Raiders the greatest high school football team in history.

David Beckham missed his second straight L.A. Galaxy soccer game. Even he is already bored with U.S. soccer.

Lindsay Lohan's father was admonished by a divorce court judge for his lack of child support payments. He was also sharply criticized for being Lindsay Lohan's father.

The German Protestant Church has compared Tom Cruise to Nazi Propaganda Chief Joseph Goebbels. Not because of his ties to Scientology, but because he has actually convinced people he can act.

The Spice Girls have added three shows to their tour, making fourteen stops. The extra dates were added because they don't have anything else to do.

The extra venues were added in hopes that maybe someone might buy a ticket.

The Weekly World news tabloid has shut down after 28 years of reporting on aliens, Bigfoot and other sensational stories. Apparently they just weren't able to go to the next level to keep up with Fox News.

A study says girls who talk about their problems with their friends are under increasing risk of depression. Mostly because their friends tell everyone else about their problems.

The New York City Department of Aging is giving free condoms and HIV tests to the elderly. It's actually just to make them feel better. It's like asking a 40 year old for ID to buy liquor.

A study shows that elderly people with heart problems have a sharper decline in mental function. Their study was based on Dick Cheney and the planning of the War in Iraq.

AirTran has notified fliers who sat near a teenage girl on a flight who contracted bacterial meningitis. Between the girl and the traveling TB lawyer, planes are now a bacterial cesspool. Remember when a screaming baby was the worst thing you could encounter when flying?

A study says that working long times in harsh areas like the north and south poles can result in a combination of psychological problems called "Polar Madness". So there are some good points to global warming after all.

"Polar Madness"? No wonder those polar bears are always so grouchy.

Research shows the longest living people by average are Japanese women and Icelandic men. The Icelandic men say living in Iceland just makes it seem like they live a long time.

Queen guitarist Brian May is completing his doctorate in astrophysics. It's a good thing he is going back to finish his education. Now that Queen is disbanded, how is he going to support himself?

MySpace.com has deleted 29,000 registered sex offenders from its site. Or as the other people on the site call them, "the competition".

Ocean City, New Jersey is trying to become the beach of the future, with wristbands that can debit bank accounts, trash cans that can e-mail when they are full and wifi for beach goers. They are even allowing only the most advanced medical waste to wash up on the shore.

A poker competition in Vancouver, B.C. pitted humans against a computer, with the humans barely winning. The computer forfeited after shooting one of the humans it suspected of dealing from the bottom of the deck.

Illinois Congressman Bobby Rush wants to meet with NBA Commissioner David Stern about the referee gambling probe. Congress wants to know if the referee was in Florida for the 2000 election.

Double amputee Olympic hopeful Oscar Pistorius will work with the IAAF to make sure his prosthetic legs will not give him an advantage in his running events. They want to make sure it won't result in a new generation of sprinters who surgically remove their legs to get an advantage.

Are they serious? Unless the guy is strapping on rockets, not having legs is not going to be an advantage in a sprint.

An 88 year old Florida man has become the oldest person to ever become an Eagle Scout. He just recently completed his final merit badge in "Describing all my latest medical conditions in detail".

The Eagle Scout couldn't wear his neckerchief to the ceremony because it got in the way of his pants.

A Beverly Hills home once owned by William Randolph Hearst is being sold for $165 million. The owner reportedly wants a "lifestyle change". Apparently he wants to buy Rhode Island.

Employers across the country are charging workers extra for health insurance who are fat and out of shape. That's more bad news for the Detroit Lions.

A poll finds that fewer Americans are smoking cigarettes than ever. People understand it's a health risk. Try and light up in a Los Angeles restaurant and you could be severely pummeled.

Scientists have discovered an itching gene. So an itch could be a genetic condition, or it could be the result of a date with Paris Hilton.

Disney has announced they will stop showing people smoking in movies. That means it will be tougher for Britney Spears to get her kids any film work.

Kiss singer Paul Stanley missed a performance in California due to a heart problem. Not to say the band is getting older, but they are now wearing makeup to cover their liver spots.

Nicole Richie has been sentenced to four days in jail for her DUI. She was threatening a hunger strike, but would have to be in jail for at least another week before it was time for a meal anyway.

A poll says that nearly half the Internet users are unaware of services offered by their provider. All most of them need to know is how to Google "Porn".

A study says that one in five Americans online watch some video on the Internet every day. Mostly involving Paris Hilton.

Golfer Natalie Gulbis won the Evian Masters golf tournament, her first win as a pro. She now hands back the title to Anna Kournikova for "Hottest woman athlete who never won a pro tournament but we still don't care".

All we need now is for the LPGA to relax its "No bikini" rule on the golf course to see the ratings skyrocket. Until Laura Davies shows up.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I hope you notice how many more jokes I have been posting since I started receiving supplements from Balco. They send the juice. You send the love...

No comments: