Sunday, May 06, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo...A holiday in honor of the five Mexicans who have not made it across the border yet...

Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in jail for violating probation. She was driving with a suspended license and even worse, playing her CD on the car stereo.

One of those testifying on behalf of Hilton was Elliot Mintz, a liaison between Hilton and her lawyers. Apparently he was the one who had to explain to her that "incarceration" meant she was going to the slammer.

She pays all that money for a legal team and then has to hire a translator.

That's how the California legal system works. Celebrities can murder their wives and get acquitted, but if they drive without a valid license it's off to the hoosegow.

Hilton's attorney Howard Weitzman says she was singled out by the judge for who she is. Isn't that what her whole life is about?

The judge told her that ignorance is no excuse to break the law. Although acting like it is a good way for pretty blondes to get rich in Hollywood.

Bill Clinton says obesity could destroy health care in this country. It also almost destroyed his marriage.

The slowing U.S. economy is causing a slow down in illegal immigration. Apparently the Mexicans are having trouble getting past all the Americans who are trying to sneak into Mexico looking for jobs.

A poll says Katie Couric is the least popular of the network news anchors. One third of Americans have a negative opinion of her. That's bad considering nowhere near a third of Americans ever watch CBS.

33% of Americans don't like Katie Couric. Or as George Bush calls those numbers, "The good old days."

Research says kids are breathing more polluted air on aging school buses. What's more, they are too out of breath to run away from teachers who are trying to have sex with them.

The air on school buses is so bad, the kids are actually relieved when they are beaten senseless by bullies so they can ride the ambulance instead.

The KFC/Taco Bell restaurant in New York that closed because of rats running loose will not reopen. Fortunately, the rats have been relocated to other KFC and Taco Bell locations around the city.

New Orleans is now back to half of its population total before Hurricane Katrina. FEMA considers this great news, as the next major disaster will only be half as bad.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has signed the largest prison construction bill in state history, worth $7.8 billion. There will be so many jails, even Hollywood celebrities may start to be convicted.

Teachers in Maryland are being urged by the state's top educator to use comic books for teaching purposes. When the next generation is talking about the literary classics, they will mean "Superman", "Spider-Man" and "Batman".

Maryland schoolchildren will be reading comic books in class. Instead of using crib notes to cheat, they'll be bringing in their secret decoder rings.

"Spider Man 3" took in $59 million on its opening day. The superhero catches almost as many villains with the web as Chris Hansen on "Dateline: To Catch a Predator".

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim manager Mike Scoscia has become the winningest manager in team history. Or more correctly known as the least losingest manager in team history.

That's like being known as the greatest French soldier in history.

The latest Pentagon survey of mental health of troops in Iraq found high levels of anxiety, stress and depression. Which are nothing compared to those same levels in congressmen who supported the war who are up for re-election.

The study also found a lapse in ethics on the battlefield. Of course, that was mainly representatives of Halliburton.

Two million gallons of raw sewage spilled into the Hudson River near New York City when a pipe broke. It was so bad, mobsters were advised to dump bodies into the East River until at least Monday.

People who had contact with the tainted water could contract gastrointestinal problems, and a sudden nostalgia for life back in the 1970s.

A study says one third of all cats and dogs are obese. This is great news for cats. The dogs are too out of shape to chase them, and if they catch them, the cats are too fat to bite.

With one third of all cats and dogs obese, it really is true that pets are starting to look like their owners.

A Kansas woman has pleaded guilty to starving her stepchildren while generously feeding her own. Talk about a Cinderella story.

The House passed a federal hate crime bill that includes gender and sexual orientation attacks. Congress has done nothing however to address the hate between republicans and democrats on the House floor.

The nation's top intelligence analysts are going to study climate change and its effects. Does anyone trust our intelligence community any more? Even money says they will come to the conclusion we are entering an ice age.

The Kentucky Derby was run Saturday. It's called the most exciting two minutes in sports. Unless you count the enthusiasm for Cubs fans at the beginning of the baseball season.

Experts from the U.N. say nations have the money and technology to beat global warming. Just like we have the money and technology to solve poverty and world hunger. And their point is...?

The Florida Marlins lost their bid for $160 million of state money to build a new ballpark. The request fell to defeat when it was revealed that the ballpark would house the Marlins.

Steve Jobs is the top paid CEO in the country, with a $1 salary but more than $600 million in stock options. The CEO of Ford was actually given more in stock options, but unfortunately it was in Ford stock.

The 500 largest companies in the country paid their CEOs an average of $15.2 million last year, a 38% increase. Congress may investigate, as federal lobbyists paid them considerably less than that.

David Hasselhoff was video taped by his daughter while he was in a drunken stupor. It was actually the most convincing performance he has ever given on camera.

Paula Abdul complained, saying Hasslhoff was "stealing her act".

Surgery has brought an end to a 3 year old girl's laughing seizures. The only other way to stop her from laughing was to have her watch episodes of "According To Jim".

Canada has minted a 220 pound gold coin worth a million dollars. The coins are mostly being bought by rappers, who are melting them down to use as "grills".

What's sad is that we're so fat, American vending machine companies are already converting machines to take the giant coin.

The coin is 21 inches in diameter, which makes it the perfect size and value for pocket change for Shaquille O'Neal.

Duke University has punished 34 students in a cheating scandal at its business school. The punishment could range from expulsion to suspension to enrollment in their future CEO program.

Wisconsin is guaranteeing college to 8th graders who maintain a B average, take college level courses and remain good citizens. In other words, it isn't open to student athletes.

The only problem is finding any Wisconsin students who want to stay in the state after they graduate high school.

The U.N. has issued a "road map" to curb global warming. The only problem is that the U.S. intends to use the road map in its SUV.

A genealogy website says Barack Obama has ancestors who arrived in the 18th century from Ireland. The presidential candidate is using the information to legally change his name to O'Bama.

Barack O'Bama would give new meaning to the phrase "Black Irish".

An academic report says white referees in the NBA call fewer fouls on white players. People are shocked. There are white players in the NBA?

Tony Bennett says "American Idol" is "too cruel". He says it was terrible how they inflicted American audiences with Sanjaya.

Iraq has frozen diplomas and transcripts for doctors to keep them from fleeing the country. Which is too bad. You just can't find doctors with that kind of trauma and gunshot wound experience here in the U.S.

A Brazilian man offered his wife for sale on eBay for $50. What's worse is the person who bought her gave a negative review.

A new Peruvian frog juice is being used to treat asthma, bronchitis and low sex drive. Apparently it's like beer. The secret is in the hops.

A report says the Middle East and North Africa have the worst record for freedom of the press. The news is government controlled and reporters are in danger for reporting the truth. Or as we know it here, "Fox News".

A Pennsylvania couple has reconciled after the wife donated a kidney to her husband. Apparently she mistook the wedding vow to say "Til death or a body part".

If they get divorced can she reclaim it as "community property"?

Yum Brands, owners of KFC and Taco Bell saw their earnings rise despite problems with E. Coli and rats at their restaurants. When it comes to food, never underestimate the ability of the American public to eat anything you serve them.

Sure, Americans will make you rich eating fried chicken and burritos, no matter what you put in them. But serve a healthy salad and you'll be out of business before lunch.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke says trade barriers like tariffs on imports will jeopardize the benefits of free trade. Translation: Tax Chinese imports and Wal-Mart goes belly-up.

Critics say the new Camel #9 cigarette is being marketed to appeal to women and young girls with its packaging. Because nothing says "glamorous" like a Camel.

It's called "Camel #9", but apparently it tastes like Camel #2.

It already has it's own built in pick-up line for guys. "Hey, baby...want a Camel? Will that be one hump or two?"

The Department of Homeland Security will subpoena Allstate and other insurance companies concerning the aftermath of Katrina. One thing about Katrina. It seems it was handled consistently from the beginning right through the end.

Apparently Allstate is blaming Katrina on global warming, and their contention is that the storm was an "Act of Gore".

If the Department of Homeland Security handles the investigation like they did Katrina, Allstate is in good hands.

Home Depot and Wal-Mart are planning to offer smaller stores in areas where bigger stores aren't practical. Like inside a Starbucks, for example.

The smaller stores will allow one spouse to call the other on their cell phone and stay in the same area code.

A California judge upheld a $1.5 billion judgement against Microsoft. This made Bill Gates furious for three minutes, until the company made the money back.

A Senate bill proposes a 35 mpg average for cars by the year 2020. Of course by then gas will be $25 a gallon and we'll all be walking anyway.

By then gas will be so expensive they will have found a cheaper way to run our cars off burning gold.

A study says a stay at home mom is worth $138,000 a year. Mostly for combat pay.

Olympic 100 meter champion Justin Gatlin, facing suspension from failing a drug test says he may try the NFL. That says a lot for the league. If you get kicked out of one sport for drugs you can always turn to pro football.

Some PGA Tour golfers are complaining there is a double standard for the way the tour treats superstars like Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson. The others are tired of being treated like your average run of the mill overpaid and under worked spoiled prima donnas.

Some of the other tour pros actually have to fly commercial, struggle to fit into mid sized courtesy cars and get the end spots on the driving range. What's next, having to carry their own bags to the clubhouse?

LPGA pro Michelle Wie will stop playing against the men on tour. She's playing so poorly that at this rate she may stop playing against women and other humans in general.

"The Matrix" was chosen the best sci-fi movie or TV show in the past twenty five years. It beat out "Blade Runner", Star Wars II" and several other shows never before seen by women.

A study says young children's baby teeth are seeing increased tooth decay from too much sugar. How fat are we getting that our sweets consumption is causing our teeth to fall out before they fall out?

A report says Syphilis is on the increase in gay and bisexual men. Remember when Syphilis was something anyone cared about?

An Alaska woman reportedly got a smallpox virus from a sex partner who recently got a smallpox injection. Apparently that would make this a third party injection.

In the past six years, the heart attack death rate has dropped sharply. How fat are we? We are getting so many heart attacks we are just shrugging them off now.

A study says people are happier when participating in meaningful activities. That makes sense. Public service is way better than jail time.

A study says living in pedestrian friendly areas may help older men cope with depression. What's more depressing than having to drive around with gas at $4 a gallon?

The only question is, where are there pedestrian friendly areas in this country?

A study says perfectionists are more sensitive to psychosocial stress than their relaxed peers. Which makes them doubly annoying.

A New York woman contracted Hepatitis B during a visit to a dental office. What kind of oral surgery were they performing there?

An engineer won $200,000 from NASA for designing a glove to be worn by astronauts. Apparently they considered an entry by Michael Jackson, but it was only for one glove to be worn while doing the Moonwalk.

Austrian animal activists are asking for a chimpanzee to be declared a person so it can receive government funds. I had no idea Bubbles had fallen on such hard times.

Mexican scientists have discovered the world's oldest lobster fossil. It was found by a dishwasher during a buffet at the Red Lobster.

The NCAA has penalized 112 teams for low academic scores. No one had any idea that UNLV participated in that many sports.

The NCAA says 44% of basketball teams, 40% of football teams and 35% or baseball teams could be in trouble. When asked about those numbers, most athletes described them as "test scores".

Rafael Nadal beat Roger Federer on a hybrid court made of half clay and half grass. Also known by its hybrid name, "Half-Ass".

The hybrid surface was about as well thought out and popular as the movie "BASEketball".

Congress is contemplating legislating insurance for horse jockeys. Representatives say they are just looking out for the little people.

If the legislation passes, the other 44 million uninsured Americans will just have to start taking horseback riding lessons.

Apparently jockeys got a bit perturbed about not being given health insurance and watching Barbaro get helicoptered to a private suite at Johns-Hopkins.

The horses get better medical treatment than the jockeys. Except their on track emergency technicians usually just carry a gun.

The jockeys really want to get in on the thoroughbred retirement plan. Get sent out to the pasture to stud.

This weekend marked the 70th anniversary of the Hindenburg disaster. Apparently "Hindenburg" is German for "America West".

A study says heavy drinkers' brains get smaller with time. As most women will attest, usually around closing time.

Wedding gowns are getting bigger to cope with more Americans being overweight or obese. They're getting so big, instead of putting the gowns in storage after the wedding, women are now leasing them to baseball parks for infield tarps.

The rhyme has changed to "Something old, something new, something borrowed and something as big as a Beluga."

Rapper 50 Cent's 52 room mansion is up for sale. It is different from his old crib in that they are now called "rooms" instead of "cells".

50 Cent's realtor says the house has been through a $6 million renovation which is tasteful "except for the stripper poles". The decorating motif is "Early 'Hood".

Apparently some of the $6 million was spent puttying up the bullet holes in the walls.

A poll says most Americans are rooting against Barry Bonds breaking Hank Aaron's home run record. Bonds numbers are so low, if he couldn't hit a fastball the only job he is apparently qualified for is President of the U.S.

Researchers say the arctic melt is worse than forecast. Arctic ice could be gone by the middle of the century. Even more bad news for survivors of the Titanic.

Homeland Security is looking into cell phones for use as anti-terror devices. Apparently Americans are talking so much, even terrorists are too annoyed to be able to plan any attacks.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers. A special "Wassup!" to my man Dave Shockey who came up for a brief visit Sunday. Shock-Man and I started in broadcasting together in Farmington, New Mexico back in 1980. We both left and traveled all over the country, only to end up in West Virginia years later. So remember that with hard work and perseverance you can achieve success and wealth and...oh, never mind. Shock-Man you are awesome! A much funnier guy than me. Which is like saying Jimmy Carter was a better President than George W. Bush. While the Shock-Man works for cash only, I'm still accepting the love...

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