Sunday, May 20, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...Do you believe the testimony of Alberto Gonzales? Personally, I'll bet he could sell Fords in Japan...

Maria Shriver says she won't go back into TV news after seeing how the Anna Nicole Smith Case was handled. Apparently she feels the cable networks just didn't go far enough with it.

Shriver worked on Dateline NBC and is more used to real news, like exploding gas tanks on trucks and catching aging perverts.

Orlando Cansalvi, the man who designed Colonel Sanders' suits has died. Would you really classify a size 54 suit of all white material a "design"?

A medical conference says that Abraham Lincoln may have survived his gunshot wound with today's technology. Unless he was taken from Ford's Theater to Walter Reed Hospital.

Prayers being said at the Ohio State Legislature are being criticized for mentioning political issues. Guest ministers are being told they can only pray that Ohio State beats Florida.

The Detroit Police Department says efforts to reduce police brutality are too expensive and want federal help. Apparently they are just breaking too many batons in the process.

Gun giveaways were held in Virginia to mock New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg who blames Virginia for guns pouring into New York. Winners were asked if they would like it wrapped or would they like to shoot it here?

Giving away guns in Virginia is like giving away candy in Hershey, PA.

An Emelia Earhart exhibition opened in Oklahoma on the 70th anniversary of her disappearance. One day she got on JetBlue flight and was never seen again.

Wyoming is looking for Buffalo Bill Cody papers to publish. Cody is the most famous gunslinger from Wyoming except for Dick Cheney.

Florida is requiring elementary students to take a half hour pf physical education each day. Then when kids get to middle school age they can relax and sit around more.

Next Florida will start working on requiring students to take math.

Illegal immigrants are questioning the Senate Immigration deal. If the law is passed as is, the immigrants are threatening to not vote illegally for those politicians next election.

Jimmy Carter ripped President Bush as the "worst in history" for his foreign policy. Carter says Bush could be the worst President since...Carter.

Carter could have pretty much guaranteed being a better ex-president than president if he did nothing after leaving the White House.

Carter says he is a much better ex-president than he was president. People can't wait to give President Bush the chance to see if he will be, too.

Two plumbing companies in Rhode Island are fighting over the rights to use the phone number 867-5309 that was made famous in a Tommy Tutone song. Apparently there are a lot of people over 57 years old who actually remember that song and need a plumber.

Researchers say that climate change could hurt sunflowers in Kansas where they are the state flower. They could start moving north. They would have to move since Kansas won't allow them to evolve.

Global warming could cause the temperature in Kansas to rise ten to twelve degrees in the next several decades. With the polar ice melting and sea level rising, beach front property will be going on sale soon in Topeka.

A military contractor is recruiting border patrol agents to teach Iraqis how to secure their borders. Wouldn't it be smarter to recruit some of the 12 million illegal immigrants in this country to tell the Iraqis how they got across?

Historians say President Lincoln was close to dying from smallpox shortly after giving the Gettysburg address. Good thing he recovered. It sounds a lot better to be assassinated by a gunman than to die from smallpox.

A Beverly Hills teenager attacked a female classmate with a claw hammer. Or as Phil Spector calls it, "puppy love".

A New York jewelry store thief made his getaway on a bike and was struck and killed by a bus. Bystanders were shocked. They all wondered how a cab didn't get him first.

An Illinois couple tried to rob a bank by going through the drive thru window. Their biggest mistake was threatening the teller by sending their gun through the pneumatic tube.

How lazy are we that we can't even park the car and go inside to rob a bank anymore? Does everything have to be done from inside a car? Remember the old days when cars were used for just transportation and sex?

Focus on the Family founder James Dobson says he won't vote for Rudy Giuliani if he gets the republican nomination for president. Apparently Dobson feels a third wife shouldn't qualify as First Lady.

The head of the National Weather Service and his chief deputy have announced their retirement. Apparently President Bush is trying to pin the blame on them for global warming.

It's about time that the head of a department notorious for lying consistently is finally asked to step down.

Apparently President Bush feels Alberto Gonzales would fit into that role in a much more convincing manner.

Government lawyers say that Valerie Plame is suing several Bush Administration people including Vice President Cheney based on a desire for publicity and book deals. If that was her motive, she did a good job. The administration made sure everyone knew who she is.

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has spent the entire term so far without saying a word. Everyone knows he's ready to speak when he sits on Justice Scalia's lap with his hand in his back.

An adult store owner in Alabama is asking the Supreme Court to throw out a state ban on sex toys. The embarrassing part was during the argument, she got a call and had her phone on "vibrate".

Romanians voted against impeaching President Traian Basescu. President Bush sent him a congratulatory letter asking for some tips on how he did that.

Eight Russian reporters resigned to protest a pro-Kremlin management decision. Half of all their stories must be positive for the government. Or as Fox News calls that, a "liberal bias".

Venezuelans marched to support a TV station that is losing its license for taking a stand against President Hugo Chavez. President Bush got the news and said "You can do that?"

The Canadian Telecommunications Commission is going to allow more commercials on their TV shows which are mostly U.S. reruns. Canadians say they prefer to watch the commercials.

Internet censorship is growing around the world. 26 of 40 countries studied are blocking social or political content. No one seems to care as long as they leave the porn intact.

Experts say mobile phone ads will be on the increase over the net few years. Finally a reason for people to put down their cell phones.

Now peoples' phones will almost be as annoying as they are when they use them.

Donald Trump's show "The Apprentice" was dumped by NBC. Trump can't say which was worse, losing to NBC or Rosie.

The World Health Organization says men in San Marino near Italy have the longest life expectancy at 80 years. The shortest life expectancy belongs to anyone leading an oil rich nation.

A report says New York City neighborhoods are short of healthy food. They're also short of healthy air, healthy water, healthy people...

More Japanese workers are seeking compensation for mental problems from workplace stress. Democracy may be slowly spreading across the Middle East, but more importantly we have now successfully introduced litigation to Asia.

Alaska's only elephant has been placed in a sling until veterinarians can figure out why it can't get back on its feet. Could it be on account of it's freezing all the time? Maybe that's why it's the only elephant in the state.

Researchers at the University of Pittsburgh are exploring how to prevent falls. The research is being done there to take advantage of the availability of falling drunk Pitt students every Friday and Saturday night.

Ruby, the 46 year old African elephant at the L.A. Zoo is being moved to retire in an area near Sacramento. Because nothing says African Savannah like Sacramento.

What, did she request something a little closer to wine country?

Bicyclist Floyd Landis testified at a hearing where he is trying to clear his name in a doping scandal. He claims he had no reason to cheat. Sure he did. To win. Why does anyone cheat?

U.S. students are still struggling with history testing. Students say they are having trouble learning history because it happened so long ago.

They are also having trouble with modern history. The Bush Administration says they are trying to rewrite it as fast as they can.

Researchers claim that an aluminum alloy can create hydrogen that could make gasoline obsolete. That means any countries that are mining aluminum should be getting ready for an invasion.

The U.S. minority population has now reached 100 million people. I had no idea there were that many people in L.A.

Southern states are starting to pardon offenses still on the books from the Segregation Era. If only Rosa Parks could have lived to see she wasn't a criminal after all...

A report says minorities are infrequent guests on U.S. news talk shows. However, they make up for it with their appearances on "Maury" and "Jerry Springer".

New fad detox diets are being warned against by health experts. Some of them are no more than fasting with a little liquid. Or as Nicole Richey calls it, "I am SO full."

A 22 year old Rhode Island woman tried to rob a bank with a limousine at the drive thru teller window. Talk about an obedient driver...

Congress has approved a $2.9 trillion budget plan. The estimated deficit for the budget will be approximately $2.9 trillion.

Chinese leaders say the U.S. is bullying them on trade issues. The U.S. says they must abide by the law of the land, "Always low prices".

Pope Benedict XVI says he wants to bring back the Latin Mass. Immigration proponents blame it on all those Latinos sneaking into the U.S.

The Latin Mass is like opera. Funny costumes, a strange language, and four hours long.

Six states in India are banning sex education to preserve their culture. Of course their culture has produced a billion people because of no sex education.

Top U.S. brands are being sold in Cuba despite an embargo. Coke, Nike and Marlboro are just a few brands easily available. Two things still unavailable: Rafts and paddles.

The number of companies that will scattered ashes of the deceased around the world is growing. There is still the option of shipping them to Keith Richards for snorting.

GE has recalled 2.5 million dishwashers. The same as the new immigration bill.

A new Toyota hybrid sells for $124,000. It combines environmentalism with plain good old fashioned gullibility.

Actually, by using a hybrid motor and saving gas the buyer will get their money back in six months.

Miami drivers are the worst at road rage. A survey based it on the number of incidents seen by other drivers. Los Angeles finished down the list because everyone is too busy putting on makeup or watching their iPod to see what's going on in the next car.

Companies are offering wedding insurance for the big day. Bad weather, pictures don't develop, the dress is lost...all covered. There is still no policy for protection against marrying a jerk. That still falls under "alimony".

Pregnancy discrimination cases are on the rise across the country. And statistics show that it is mostly always against women.

Pregnancy discrimination cases are on the rise in the workplace. Especially when the boss finds out he's the father.

A survey says that flying is less enjoyable for most people in recent years. What was their first clue? Was it the people trapped on JetBlue flights for a month, or the ones being strip searched in the security line?

In fact, the only person in the entire world who says flying is getting better is Ralph Fiennes.

Virgin has been given approval to operate a U.S. airline. Just for balance they will be put in the terminal right next to Hooter's Airlines.

A congressional panel is taking Big Oil to task. The Big Oil executives are going to have to answer tough questions. Prices are up. Supplies are down. Why are bribes the same?

A Spaniard won the Great Wall Marathon in China. He said all went well until about 20 miles in he really hit a wall.

ZZ Top has cancelled its European tour. It's just not a good idea to try to get through airport security anymore wearing a beard.

A survey shows half of all college men are overweight, as well as one third of all college women. When questioned about their major, most respond "Girth".

An estimated one billion people around the world are reportedly suffering high blood pressure. Or as McDonald's puts it, "One billion served , five billion to go".

A British judge was on the record asking the definition of a web site. He claims he was asking to make sure the court knew. The actual definition is "That thing on your computer that brings up pictures of naked women."

A California Congressman wants action taken against NFL player Michael Vick for dogfighting. As soon as that is cleared up, perhaps we can get back to less important things like Iraq and Alberto Gonzales.

An NFL game scheduled for London sold 40,000 tickets in 90 minutes. The stands could be filled with rowdy spectators. In fact, "Hooligan" is an Irish word that translates to "Raiders fan".

Roger Clemens threw 58 pitches in a minor league game. He made approximately enough money each pitch to pay the salaries on both benches.

More than 10,000 people showed up to watch the game against inexperienced players. Clemens said it made him feel like he was pitching against the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Bud Selig has offered an apology for the way baseball treated the reserve clause. Now all he has to do is apologize for inflicting Barry Bonds on baseball fans.

Selig says the reserve clause should have been eliminated long before 1975. He doesn't know how he can ever make it up to ball players. Who knows how much money they would be making today if only they had been treated properly back then? Can they ever forgive him?

The drug testing for the French Open tennis tournament will be moved to Canada. Not a bad idea seeing how good a job they did on the Tour de France.

Canada not only offers cheap drugs, it even gives cheap tests to see if they are being abused.

3,000 campers fled a fire in the Los Padres National Forest in California. A camper in California is someone who hasn't quite been able to afford a down payment.

A poll says three out of four Americans are discontented with the direction the country is going. How bad does it have to get? I'll bet there were people on the Titanic that were thinking things weren't all that bad yet.

A study says tomatoes don't prevent prostate cancer. I'd hate to have been the one doing research on that test.

Anne Heche's husband says she was a bad mother to their son, Homer. For one thing, she named their son "Homer".

A sports memorabilia dealer says he has the suit O.J. Simpson wore when the "not guilty" verdict was read, and he's selling it for $25,000. No word on whether gloves are included.

He guarantees the suit, saying "If the suit don't fit, I will remit."

The New York Yankees say they may void Jason Giambi's contract as he has admitted to taking steroids. It's not known if it was worse for him to admit taking them or to stop taking them in the first place.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi says President Bush has a "tin ear" when it comes to the war in Iraq. Apparently she has never heard Hillary Clinton sing.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers...My seven year old daughter Summer had a science project this week which involved the planets and making a mobile. The entire week consisted of my daughter, myself and my wife making nothing but "Uranus" jokes. I bust my head every week trying to come up with these jokes, but sometimes there is nothing like an old classic to make you crack up. So if you look to the heavens this week, get out your spyglass and see if you can scope Uranus. And remember to send a little love across the universe...

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