Sunday, April 01, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...It's April Fool's Day...Or as the White House and Congress call it, "Business as usual"...

A Connecticut man was arrested after a high speed chase and claimed to be Dick Cheney and "Charlie's Angels" star Jaclyn Smith. He was taken into custody for psychological evaluation. No one in their right mind would publicly admit to being Dick Cheney.

A study says three out of ten workers take part in April Fool's Day pranks. The other seven couldn't take part in the study as they were still in the hospital as a result of the pranks.

A Naval Academy probe of several midshipmen's behavior on a Carnival Cruise ship was found to be "immature" but not criminal. The behavior included groping several women. Their punishment could include being drafted by the Minnesota Vikings.

A study says that children who spend several hours in day care each day are more likely to exhibit problem behavior than those who are raised by stay at home parents. The exception to the rule is if your parents' last names are Federline and Spears.

A 16 year old girl was kicked off a Continental Airlines plane in New Jersey because she couldn't stop coughing. She was on the plane to get out of New Jersey, which caused her coughing fit.

Los Angeles Police are getting new flashlights which are brighter and are too small to be used to beat suspects. Or as the police call them, "props".

Fourteen travel agencies in Arizona have been indicted for trafficking people across the border. Apparently some were even offering upgrades for "frequent stowaways".

A feuding New York couple who built a wall inside their house for separation cannot get a divorce under New York's strict laws. Apparently that's why Bill Clinton talked Hillary into moving there. Now she can't get half his stuff.

Scientists are saying that global warming of two to four degrees will cause some species to move or be eliminated. It could even ruin the movie industry. Apparently even a four degree rise in temperature is enough to melt all that Hollywood plastic surgery.

Japanese musicians have set the record for the longest concert ever at 184 hours. A local hospital reported several cases of third degree finger burns from people holding up cigarette lighters too long.

The record concert lasted 184 hours. At first it was thought that John Tesh still held the record, but it's just that his concerts seem longer than that.

President Bush says congress should be ashamed to put non-war items in the Iraq spending bill. Congress responded by saying "We're politicians. What's shame?"

A French architect claims he has uncovered the mystery of how the Great Pyramid of Khufu was built. He then criticized the design, practicality and lack of accessible parking.

Newt Gingrich says he equates bilingual education with living in the ghetto. He says there should also be only one language on ballots as well. Republican.

An investigation of the student loan industry says the loans are arranged to benefit schools and lenders at the expense of students. Sort of like tuition.

Loan companies say that unfair student loans that make lenders rich are a good life lesson. It will teach them what to look forward to when they are older and apply for a mortgage.

Former Presidents Bush and Clinton say the media is harsher on politicians these days. Of course, the media is harder on politicians mainly because of the antics of the Bushes and Clintons.

The White House says Attorney General Alberto Gonzales can survive the uproar concerning the scandal in the Department of Justice. Basically, he'll survive because he won't quit, and President Bush won't fire him.

The Tropicana Casino in Las Vegas is ready to turn 50. It's expected to celebrate like anyone else in Vegas turning 50. Lose a lot of money, get some nip and tuck work done and spend three hours at the buffet.

Technology experts say some older computers may spring forward this weekend because of the old Daylight Saving Time schedule. In fact, the computers in question are so old the only thing that will be interrupted will be an online "Pong" tournament.

A study says that people who use the Internet for reading news have a greater attention span than print readers. And cleaner hands.

People who read news on the Internet have greater attention spans than newspaper readers. Because they know with just a mouse click they can take a break and check out some online porn.

The proposed ".xxx" domain for pornography was voted down. That means "myspace" will still carry the ".com" domain for now.

The Miss America pageant is being dumped by Country Music Television for low ratings. Apparently they can't compete with Miss U.S.A.'s scandals and the Donald Trump-Rosie O'Donnell feud.

The 20 year old daughter of designer Donatella Versace has been diagnosed with anorexia. It's nice to see a young person taking an interest in the family business.

The founder of "Girls Gone Wild" will start a theme restaurant based on the raunchy videos of the same name. Apparently it is for men who feel "Hooters" is just a bit too stuffy.

A Swiss company will stop making a constipation drug that has been linked to a high risk of heart attacks. If you are so backed up that it is causing a heart attack, it's time to lay off the cheese.

Paris Hilton may have to serve time in jail for violating her probation by driving with a suspended license. Police were just surprised to see her in the front seat of a car for once.

Pilots of a Chilean jetliner say a flaming object narrowly missed their plane while landing in New Zealand. Officials say it was either a meteor, space junk, or a flaming cocktail from the cabin of an America West Plane.

A phony bomb threat caused the evacuation of three thousand passengers on a Carnival Cruise ship. Fortunately the evacuation happened before the ship set sail and everyone became sick from the Norovirus.

Alec Baldwin will pay for the college education of a soldier when she returns from Iraq. Baldwin will use money currently set aside for bail and legal fees of his brother Danny.

A chocolate Jesus has caused controversy on its public display as it is anatomically correct. The sculpture is called "My Sweet Lord", but could have also been called "Chocolate With Nuts".

A Louisiana school district must pay a former teacher $1.4 million because she refused to raise D's and F's she gave to 70% of her students. Educators were shocked. How did 30% of a Louisiana classroom rate a C or better?

Sports management students at Lynn University in Florida get three credit hours for attending the Final Four basketball tournament and making a report. That's nothing. The players get a free ride, diploma and all kinds of spending cash for doing the same thing.

A climate report maps out a "Highway to Extinction" due to global warming. This is not to be confused with the other highway to extinction, the 405 freeway in Los Angeles.

Maryland has issued an apology for its role in slavery. The country is still waiting for an apology for Spiro Agnew.

Wal-Mart has kept its place as the nation's top corporation for charity. In a related story, the top receivers of charity are Wal-Mart employees.

PDiddy claims he had tantric sex with his girlfriend for thirty straight hours. Apparently he had to replay the entire World Series from 1962-1978 in his head to keep going.

Former Homeland Security Secretary nominee Bernard Kerik will likely be charged with several felonies, from tax evasion to wiretapping. That qualifies him to head up the FBI.

Why not put him in charge of national security? He knows all the tricks.

Bello, the Ringling Brothers circus clown lost his one foot high trick bicycle and offered a reward for its return. For now he will have to get around by sharing a miniature car with twenty other clowns.

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney gave out a list of potential running mates. It included Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and anyone else with more than twenty billion dollars who wouldn't mind chipping in to help pay for the campaign.

Cuban President Fidel Castro condemned the U.S. bio fuel plan, saying three billion people will die from hunger because of it. Or was that the Cuban communist economic model?

New Delhi, India has banned smoking and using cell phones while driving. If that happened in the U.S. it would free up two hands for more important things like drinking coffee and putting on makeup.

Board game manufacturers are streamlining games to make them go faster. Americans are too busy and have short attention spans that can't focus more than twenty minutes. In fact, the game of "Life" now goes only to middle age.

"Monopoly" now only consists of throwing the dice three times and the oil companies own everything.

"Operation" is now set at an HMO where the patient is in surgery for multiple procedures to save money and is sent straight to the hospice.

Labor officials in China are targeting McDonald's and KFC for wage violations. Even Nike is saying "What a bunch of slave drivers!"

Apparently KFC was saving money by training the rats to clean up the crumbs.

Chrysler is going to put satellite TV in their minivans. Gas has become so expensive that people can't drive their vehicles anymore so they are now using them for entertainment centers.

GM is considering bringing mini cars that get 50 mph into the U.S. Now if they could just find any Americans who aren't too fat to fit in, they'll be set.

GM says there will be no cash bonuses for senior executives for 2006. They won't say why, but do you think it just might have something to do with them losing $12 billion in the past two years?

H&R Block says they saw an increase of 3.3% this tax season. Apparently those are the people who are just getting out of jail from last year's H&R Block mistakes.

Ethanol fuel demand is up so much that U.S. farmers had their biggest corn sowing since 1944. In a related story, President Bush is gearing up to invade Nebraska.

The Dallas Mavericks will sign 44 year old Kevin Willis to a ten day contract. Not to say he's getting old, but he will primarily sit on the sideline and yell "When I was your age, tattoos were for punks!"

Phil Mickelson ordered a southern feast for the Masters Champions dinner. His doctor gave him the go ahead with the meal. It's only at the U.S. Open where he seems to choke every time.

As defending champ, Mickelson has to pick up the tab for the meal. He is just thankful that John Daly isn't a former winner.

Kevin Federline and Britney Spears have agreed on a $1 million settlement in their divorce. Apparently he also gets the couch where he earned it all.

Michael Jackson is reportedly sick. At first doctors thought it might be pneumonia but now say it's a cold. When he became deathly pale, they knew he would be OK.

The Bee Gees were honored at the BMI pop awards or their indelible influence. Isn't that what got Bill Clinton in trouble?

Martha Stewart is trying to copyright the name of her home town Katonah, NY for a furniture line over objections of her neighbors. If that doesn't work out, she will name the line after her other home, Cell Block Six.

The Center for Disease Control says Easter chicks can spread salmonella. Apparently people just aren't cooking them long enough.

An organ donor shortage is prompting "transplant tourism" where people buy organs from people in poor countries. I guess that's where that slogan "Come for the scenery, stay for the kidney" came from.

Celebrities could combine it with an adoption tour. How about "Come to Kenya for a kid and a kidney"?

Astronaut Sunita Williams will run the Boston Marathon in space. She will run the entire distance on a treadmill. Just to make it realistic, the other astronauts will spend the race throwing things and spitting on her.

Astronaut Sunita Williams will have an advantage over other competitors during the Boston Marathon. While they have to stop for bathroom breaks, she will be wearing her NASA certified astronaut diaper during the race.

Los Angeles will host the first text messaging contest. However, local entrants will be at a disadvantage since they are used to texting only while they are driving their car.

The NFL owners have made the instant replay permanent. It has worked so well the Cincinnati Police Department is using it when they bring in Bengals for repeat offenses.

The City of Indianapolis has voted to ban scalping Super Bowl tickets. It is their feeling that any overpriced ticket gouging should be only be the right of the sports teams.

NCAA President Miles Brand says he is concerned about runaway coaches' salaries. He says if it keeps up, pretty soon the players will be demanding even higher under the table payments, too.

The average price of a Major League Baseball ticket is now up to $23. Which is almost as much as the price of a stadium ten ounce beer.

Micheal Ray Richardson has been suspended from the Continental Basketball Association for anti-Semitic remarks. Remember, you can't spell "Micheal ray Richardson" without "Michael Richards".

Shaquille O'Neal has moved into twelfth place on the all-time NBA scoring list. He now has 25,280 points, seven of which came from the free throw line.

West Virginia won the NIT basketball championship, and was given shirts that misspelled "West Virginia". Apparently the shirt company was based in Alabama.

Los Angeles officials say the 2016 Olympics would bring in $7 billion in revenue. And that's just the bribes to Olympic officials.

L.A. says the 2016 Olympics would create 70,000 jobs. Upon hearing this, 70,000 Mexicans ran across the border in anticipation.

A uniformed flight attendant on a United Airlines flight was arrested for carrying a gun on a plane. Apparently she wanted to make sure Ralph Fiennes didn't follow her into the bathroom on the flight.

The U.S. is charging tariffs on paper coming in from China. The main problem is that the paper is U.S. currency.

Pharmaceutical companies are trying to come up with a drug that boosts the female sex drive. I believe we already have that. It's called alcohol.

The army says that one third of the 18 year olds applying for the service are overweight. There is a term for large people in the military. Shields.

A study says that only half the people with chronic health conditions take their medication. Of course, those are the people who have health insurance.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! If you have read this far, I guess I fooled you! Now all I need to do is trick you into sending the love...

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