Sunday, April 22, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...Don Imus already has a new job...Apparently he has gone to work for "Napster"...

A Florida woman is blaming Irritable Bowel Syndrome for causing her to shoplift. That pretty much ruled out the possibility of a strip search when she was caught.

Presidential Candidate Tommy Thompson told a largely Jewish audience that making money is part of the Jewish tradition. Which started a new Jewish tradition of not donating any of that money to Tommy Thompson.

Erik Estrada received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Which immediately drew protests from everyone else in the world who doesn't have one yet.

Ironically, the star is located in front of the restaurant where Estrada is waiting tables these days.

Hillary Clinton says she's afraid of what she'll find under the run in the Oval Office after President Bush leaves the White House. Which is just a bit different than what Laura Bush found on the carpet after Bill Clinton left.

Pyratecon, a convention in New Orleans is attracting hundreds of people dressed like pirates. It's the first time pirates have descended on New Orleans since government contractors came in following Hurricane Katrina.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg is considering a fee for driving through Manhattan. The money will be used for etiquette and hygiene lessons for cabbies.

The fee will be still be cheaper than the cost of gas, parking and paying off windshield washers.

The Vermont Senate has voted to impeach President Bush and Vice President Cheney. The resolution was non-binding. Pretty much like President Bush considers all congressional votes.

Oregon Governor Ted Kulongoski will live like a food stamp recipient, spending only $42 a week on food. Or as Nicole Richie calls it, a year's supply.

Kulongoski is being urged not to visit his neighboring state to the south, California. A meeting between him and Governor Schwarzenegger would tongue tie every news anchor up and down the west coast.

The United Nations says car crashes are the leading cause of death world wide for people between the ages of 10 and 24. Mostly if they are driving anywhere near Lindsay Lohan.

Former congressman Mark Foley is paying his legal bills with leftover campaign cash. Politicians can use campaign money for expenses relating to office, which in most cases includes bail money and lawyers' fees.

1944 Miss America Venus Ramey used a handgun to shoot out the tires of an intruder to keep him from escaping. Now there's a beauty queen we'd like to see tangle with Donald Trump.

Former "Apprentice" contestant Kristine Lefebvre will pose nude for "Playboy". Whoever thought Hugh Hefner would be taking Donald Trump's rejections?

Funny how Trump picks women for his show who have business savvy and brains but can also end up in "Playboy". That's why he hates Rosie O'Donnell. She would look more at home in "Field and Stream".

Sunday was Earth Day. President Bush celebrated the day by proclaiming it as "Sunday".

Pope Benedict XVI is reversing the teachings of the church about Limbo, which says children who are not baptized cannot go to Heaven. Although at 80 years of age, the Pope says it's a little hard for him to get under that bar when it gets too low.

A New York couple is planning a voyage that will keep them at sea alone for a thousand days. They will sail around the world three times and never stop in port. Their only real contact with the world will be the Starbucks that will open on board.

The Pentagon says the surge could be extended. However, the plan could still be reversed if there is no political reconciliation. They don't say if they mean political reconciliation in Iraq or the U.S.

Rich Little hosted the annual White House Correspondents Association dinner in Washington. He hasn't hosted the dinner in 23 years, which makes him about as relevant as the Washington press corps.

Having Rich Little host the dinner was a bit of a throwback. His Reagan routine still brought a chuckle, but he lost most the audience with his impersonation of Calvin Coolidge.

Little said he wanted to avoid current topics. That usually can't be avoided when you haven't worked in 23 years.

President Bush took a pass at trying to be funny at the White House Correspondent's dinner. He says he usually saves that for his State of the Union speech.

The World Health Organization says Africa has the most dangerous roads in the world, followed by the Middle East. Apparently they have never driven on the 405 in Los Angeles.

They sent a crew to drive the 405 in Los Angeles but they were never heard from again.

The 405 is the most hazardous road in the world. There are drivers with guns. There are drivers with cell phones. There are drivers named Nicole Richie.

Ecuador citizens are 82% in favor of a special assembly to rewrite the country's constitution. President Bush was amazed. He said "They need permission to rewrite the Constitution?"

A study says energy deregulation hasn't worked. Regulated states have cheaper energy than those that aren't. If I didn't know better I would think the energy companies aren't playing fair...

Ticketmaster is suing eBay for fraudulently obtaining tickets to sell online. Ticketmaster says they thought of the idea first.

Whatever happened to the old fashioned way of buying tickets? Going to the event and getting ripped off by the scalpers...

Hillary Clinton says if elected President she would make Bill Clinton a roaming ambassador to the world. Otherwise known as "Bill Clinton's greatest dream".

Clinton would tour the world weeks at a time spreading goodwill. He says he is already accepting applications for interns for the position.

When asked about staying apart from Hillary for up to weeks at a time, Clinton said "Make it months and you've got a deal."

Hillary hasn't made a final decision yet. She needs to talk it over with Bill but hasn't seen him in weeks.

California Govern Arnold Schwarzenegger is promoting a Chevy Impala that has been converted to run on bio diesel. The car is called the "Bio Rocket". That used to be the term for the digestive disorder following a visit to Taco Bell.

"Spider-Man" is coming to Broadway as a musical. And people used to wonder if Superman was gay.

There were a number of signs that Spider-Man is gay. He wears tights, cleans up the city and never seems to get the girl.

Disney is offering wedding gowns designed from their princess characters. What should a groom be thinking if his bride shows up as Belle from "Beauty and the Beast"?

Word is that when Heather Locklear was dating David Spade she was thinking if it got to marriage the "Snow White" gown would be in order.

Any bride wearing "The Little Mermaid" is in for a rough walk down the aisle and a rougher wedding night.

Large companies say they will continue offering health care to employees. Mostly in lieu of salary.

A study says that burning ethanol in cars will cause more smog and more deaths. Just when we were getting the alcohol out of the drivers and into the cars...

Researchers are still debating the effects of global warming. Some scientists say that global warming may make it more difficult for hurricanes to form. Others say forget hurricanes, the biggest disaster to come from all this is Al Gore.

The head of the EPA says President Bush's climate policy is working, that greenhouse emissions are up less than one percent. He says with hard work, the energy companies may eventually get that number up to five or six percent.

A Tennessee prison released a felon after it received a phony fax demanding his release by a judge. The fax was not on letterhead, had typographical errors and was sent from a grocery store.
The hoax could have been prevented if someone had noticed it was written on the back of a shopping list.

Vancouver, B.C. is going to use heat from sewers to warm up the Olympic Village for the 2010 Olympics. Athletes are already praying for global warming to make that unnecessary.

Olympic athletes say they already are used to that odor. It reminds them of Bode Miller's motor home.

A study says that Baby Boomers may be the first generation to be less healthy than their parents. That's really bad considering most of their parents are dead.

They may also be the first generation that can't fit through their parents' doorways.

A Dallas attorney brought his donkey to court to prove it wasn't too loud after getting complaints from his neighbors. The neighbors were concerned about falling property values. Mostly from living near a lawyer.

Miss Mexico had to modify her dress for the Miss Universe pageant after people complained it reminded them of a 1920's Mexican war. To make it more modern, she comes on stage hiding in a trunk with a fake green card.

Hillary Clinton says her presidential campaign has gone "Carbon neutral". In order to save trees, they are taking large cash donations of paper money.

Great Britain has stopped using the phrase "War on Terror" because they don't feel they can win with military means alone. This follows the British ending use of the terms "War on Bland Food" and "War on Dental Cavities".

Guatemala has denied entry to a man claiming to be the Anti-Christ. this disappointed many Guatemalan citizens who were anxious to get a glimpse of Simon Cowell.

A Florida man says he flies his own airplane several times a year 150 miles to the nearest Krystal Burger restaurant. The hardest part is timing the line in the drive-thru.

A bill in the House of Representatives would give shareholders a voice in the pay and compensation of corporate executives. Forget that. When do we get a say in the pay and compensation of congressmen?

Myspace.com has announced they are getting into news. They will mostly report on scandals about predators and nude pictures on myspace.com.

A study ranks vehicles by the death rate of people driving those cars. Chevy Blazer was the deadliest, followed by the Acura RSX, followed by whatever Lindsay Lohan is driving.

A study says that more than half the workers in the U.S. don't use all their vacation time. The nearly half who do usually take some time to visit their families in Mexico.

More than half of all U.S. workers don't use all their vacation time. That is more than offset by the amount of time spent at the ranch in Texas by President Bush.

Most U.S. workers don't use all their vacation time. They can't afford to drive anywhere, and they don't want to be stuck at home with their spouse.

The number of new college graduates who will be hired by U.S. companies will be more than 17% higher than last year. The companies doing most the hiring will be McDonald's, Burger King and KFC.

The IRS is allowing an extension for people in the northeast who were victimized by flooding last week. That means they can wait a week between soakings.

Iraqi oil supplies may be twice the previous estimate of 100 billion barrels. That's the good news. The bad news is the war in Iraq was just extended to however long it takes to get it all out of the ground.

ConocoPhillips is partnering with Tyson Foods to make diesel fuel out of beef, poultry and pork byproducts. Which will pretty much wipe out the hot dog industry.

A Mets fan was arrested for using a high powered flashlight to try to distract the opposing team. Authorities say he could have permanently blinded thousands of people if he had shined it on Barry Bonds' jewelry.

David Duvall is taking time off the golf tour to be with his wife who is going through a difficult pregnancy. She says it's nice to have him back around the house on Thursdays and Fridays.

John Travolta says he is as big as Marilyn Monroe and Elvis Presley. Have you seen him lately? A few more cheeseburgers and not only will he be bigger than Elvis, he'll be working on Al Gore.

Lionel Richie is upset at celebrities who are using rehab for publicity. He says it should be reserved for real addicts, like his daughter Nicole.

Lindsay Lohan says she felt safe for the month she was in rehab. So did the millions of drivers on Southern California roads.

A jury is set for the murder trial of Phil Spector. Apparently his new haircut means the insanity defense is out.

Joan Rivers has been replaced as the red carpet host on the TV Guide Channel. Even the carpet hasn't been cut and stitched as many times as Rivers.

After an event, the carpet is shampooed, rolled up and put in storage until the next event. Or is that Rivers?

Regis Philbin will return to his show April 26th following heart surgery. He's 75 and rich, and his cohost Kelly Ripa is 37 and beautiful. Their show is like watching "The Anna Nicole Smith Story".

Hip hop moguls met to discuss sexist and violent rap lyrics. The meeting did not result in an initiative. It was considered a success just because nobody was shot.

A plan to sedate 300 horses during a Rolling Stones concert in Belgrade is meeting with protests. Officials want to take action to keep the horses calm. Keith Richards has even offered to use his own stash to tranquilize them.

Don Imus' producer Bernard McGuirk has been fired for his part in the Imus controversy. Is it really necessary to fire a producer when there's no show? That's like a lobbyist coming to work when congress is in recess.

A study shows that more parents are using money and gifts to buy off their children for exhibiting good behavior. Isn't that how Tom DeLay and the guys at Enron got started?

The government is undeterred that a sex education report says that abstinence teaching doesn't work. They say they will stay with it. Remember, this is the same administration that says there were WMD in Iraq...

A study says fewer boys are being born in the U.S. and Japan. It's either that or we are raising a new generation of sissies.

A study says that drinking heavily in college is bad for the heart. But it's good for explaining an ugly date to your friends.

A mother has frozen some of her eggs so her daughter who can't have children of her own can still conceive. That means her grandchildren would be her children and would also be her daughter's half siblings. To avoid confusion, the whole family may just move to Tennessee.

A company is making caffeine soap so people can get a rush while taking a shower. How lazy are we that we can't even wait ten minutes for a cup of coffee. What's next, a doughnut-on-a-rope?

Officials in Mauritania are worried about women's health. Fat women are desired because it is a sign of family affluence. That means Americans must be treated like royalty there!

American men spent $4.8 million on grooming products last year, a 7% increase from the year before. Of course, $2.5 million of that was spent by Ryan Seacrest.

Scientists have reconstructed the world's first tree. Which was promptly sold to a logging firm by the Bush Administration.

Scientists say that chimpanzees have evolved more than humans from a genetic standpoint. Those scientist can come talk to me when they find a chimp who can talk on the cell phone while drinking a latte and driving their SUV on the freeway.

A group says Yahoo assisted the Chinese in torturing a dissident by providing the government with information that led to his arrest. President Bush was disheartened. He wishes he thought of it first.

The NBA is studying a proposed move to Las Vegas by the Seattle Supersonics. With 41 home games a season with ten visiting players, that means the average height of Las Vegas will be 6'5" within eighteen years.

The NBA has set a record for attendance for the third straight year. Apparently the players are starting to bring all their children to the games.

The Tennis Channel will be offered on DirecTV. Apparently the move has attracted up to seven new subscribers.

Hillary Clinton says she will focus on the "invisible" middle class. They are invisible because presidential candidates only hang out with rich campaign contributors.

If she wants to focus on the invisible, how about finding out where Bill has been the past month?

Cubans outlive most of the Western Hemisphere. Fidel Castro himself has raised the average life expectancy three or four years.

Cubans credit their long life expectancy to free health care, a good diet, and constantly training for the 90 mile swim to Miami.

Wal-Mart founder Sam Walton's widow Helen has died at 87. If she had lived another three years she would have qualified to be a Wal-Mart greeter.

A survey says 40% of Japanese people have not had sex in at least a month. No wonder. In their tiny cars, when you go to the drive-in, there's only enough room to actually watch the movie.

A best selling book in England is the "Dangerous Book For Boys" It tells boys how to do all kinds of dangerous boy activities, from riding go karts to skinning a rabbit. For the really dangerous at heart, it gives directions to Neverland Ranch.

A study shows that men concentrate on the crotch and breast area even when looking at pictures of people, including other men. The study was done by every woman on earth.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers...Today is Earth Day. Screw the planet...Send the love to me!















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