Sunday, March 11, 2007

Greetings, Oh faithful readers...It's Daylight Saving Time...I already spent my extra hour resetting all the clocks and gadgets around the house...

Washington, D.C. madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey may sell her client list to pay her legal bills. The list is said to include Ben Affleck. If so, it would be the first list he's made in five years.

People are questioning whether she really is a madam. It turns out that her list doesn't even include Charlie Sheen.

Palfrey's attorney says she is thinking of selling her list because "her back is to the wall". Isn't that how she got into trouble in the first place?

Osama Bin Laden turns 50 this week. Intelligence officials have reason to believe he's still alive, as his membership application has arrived at AARP.

Brad Delp, the lead singer for the group Boston has died at age 55. Radio stations across the country are expected to play a Boston song at least three times each hour. Or as classic rock stations call it, station format.

Jerry Falwell is praising Newt Gingrich for admitting an affair while the Clinton impeachment proceedings were underway. Gingrich says he was just doing legal research.

Houston school teachers are being asked to return overpaid bonuses they received in a merit pay program. The teachers said they will pay it back just as soon as they can get a tutor to help them figure out how much they owe.

An appeals court has overturned a hand gun ban in Washington, D.C. That means that the three people in the district who don't already own handguns may be able to arm themselves now.

Lawmakers across the country are becoming concerned about the high cost of college textbooks, which can run as high as $4,000 for a four year degree. One way to drastically reduce the price is to just charge for the ones the students actually read.

Congressman Harry Mitchell from Arizona says mold covered walls, rodent infestation and other problems at Walter Reed are a catastrophic failure of the Bush administration. Then he realized he had actually visited a KFC for lunch.

20,000 people gathered in Buenos Aires to hear Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez bash President Bush. Things got so violent, officials were afraid a soccer match was going to break out.

A 128 year old woman in El Salvador has died. She may have been the oldest person ever. That works out to 18 in dog years.

Her descendants include...Well, pretty much everyone in El Salvador.

The woman will be buried next week, or when the next mudslide buries the entire country. Whichever comes first.

Prevention Magazine has named the top one hundred cities for walking. It starts out with the cities where gas has gone back up to three dollars a gallon.

A poll says 55% of Americans consider honesty, integrity and character the top qualities in a presidential candidate. That means the current crop of announced candidates don't have a prayer.

Most Americans feel honesty, integrity and character are the qualities they look for in a presidential candidate. Unfortunately, all the candidates are politicians.

U.S. scientists have been ordered by the Bush Administration not to talk about polar bears, global warming or sea ice. The scientists are angry because that takes away all their best pickup lines.

Several states are moving up their primaries to February to get more clout in the upcoming 2008 presidential election. It doesn't stop there. In March, they are holding the primaries for the 2012 election.

Presidential candidate John McCain says Republican spending lost the election in 2006. He made his remarks at a fundraiser where he was begging for the millions he needs to stay in the race.

Legal experts are criticizing the media ban at the hearings for terror suspects at Guantanamo Bay. The media would actually like to attend the hearings, now that the Anna Nicole Smith and Britney Spears stories have played out.

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy presided at a mock trial for Hamlet. The trial concerns a king who goes insane after listening to ghosts. Kennedy took the part reluctantly, asking "This doesn't have anything to do with an impeachment, does it?"

Kennedy considered rewriting the last few lines of the play, saying "Why not, we pretty much threw out the entire Constitution back in 2000."

The world's list of billionaires has grown to nearly a thousand people. The list includes more people than ever from India. How much are they paying those computer phone techs, anyway?

A study says cell phones are safe to use in hospitals. Their number one use is for calling 911 while in an HMO.

The study says the phones don't affect other devices. They just annoy the heck out of the other patients who may turn violent.

The body of James Brown was finally placed in a crypt on his sister's property in South Carolina. I thought it was John Brown's body that was a mouldrin' in the grave.

John Popper of Blues Traveler was arrested for being in a car loaded with weapons and marijuana and going 111 mph in Washington State. It's good to see the legacy of James Brown is being carried out.

When Melissa Etheridge heard about Popper being arrested for speeding with pot and guns, she said she wanted to have his baby.

'N Sync member Lance Bass says he will write his memoirs this year. He says he will also lip synch the audio book on tape.

Courtney Love is being sued by a rehab clinic in L.A. for non-payment of $180,000 in fees. And that was just her bar bill.

The movie "Shooter" with Mark Wahlberg will be released later this month. The title has confused some people who think it is a film about Dick Cheney.

Americans are increasingly medicating their pets, mostly for diabetes and heart problems. Of course, those are for the dogs that get mostly their owners leftovers.

Prescription drug sales in the U.S. totaled nearly $300 billion last year. Of course, you have to remember the Rolling Stones were on tour in this country in 2006.

A study says that safeguards are lacking on cadavers in this country. Look how long it took just to bury Anna Nicole Smith and James Brown.

A Colorado woman awoke for three days after being in a coma for six years. She went back into a coma, saying to wake her when Bush is out of office.

A Mexican man who weighed up to a half ton is now down to 840 pounds and left home for the first time in five years. His goal is to get thin enough to make it through one of the holes in the border fence.

Unfortunately, for his first trip outside his house in five years he went to McDonald's.

A California school district is starting to bill parents who take their kids out of school during session to go on vacation. In California, the only excused absences for school are for illness or to serve a jail sentence.

San Francisco is planning on becoming the first U.S. city to ban plastic bags in grocery stores. Apparently they leave marks on leather chaps.

Disney is making the first animated movie featuring a black princess in the movie "The Frog Princess". It's set in New Orleans, with the princess figuring she would have better odds finding a frog that can transform into a prince than she would waiting on FEMA.

92 year old fitness guru Jack La Lanne was challenged to a boxing match by a 91 year old man. Apparently there just isn't enough around the house to keep George Foreman busy these days.

The judge who sentenced Saddam Hussein to death, Raouf Abdel Rahma has asked for political asylum. Apparently that is the first step towards getting his own syndicated show.

A U.S. report lists the worst human rights abuses around the world. Topping the list would be anyone who was a contestant on both "American Idol" and "The Apprentice".

The Wall Street District in New York was listed on the National Registry of Historic Places. The ceremony was originally planned during last week's market drop, but had to be rescheduled due to falling brokers.

The U.S. added 97,000 jobs in February. Unfortunately, most were special prosecutors for the Bush Administration.

Wealthy Baby Boomers are spending more money on premium mattresses, some costing up to $50,000. Ironically, many can't get any sleep after realizing how badly they have been taken.

How can a mattress salesperson sleep after taking $50,000 for a mattress?

You know how to get a really good night's sleep? Stuff an empty mattress with 50,000 one dollar bills.

A survey shows that only one percent of Wal-Mart shoppers stopped doing business with the store due to recent bad publicity. It was the one percent of Wal-Mart shoppers who can read.

Several new George Washington dollar coins were struck without the motto "In God We Trust". That's because most Americans trust God, but want to see the cash up front.

Donald Tomnitz, the CEO of home builder D.R. Horton told a group of investors that 2007 "is going to suck". Think of what he would he have said if he were the CEO of Ford.

What business school did this guy go to? That's like the CEO of Taco Bell announcing the new e-coli flavored burrito.

Apparently the "D.R." stands for "Dwindling Revenue".

A survey shows most the world's billionaires drive simple cars. Apparently they are just happy knowing they can still afford gasoline.

General Motors may report a profit this quarter. Of course, they are reporting a profit in comparison to Ford.

GM may report a profit this quarter. Ford would give anything to make a profit of a quarter.

A survey shows that women are more likely to miss work for a child than men. But men are more likely to miss work for golf than women.

A survey shows that good looking bosses are perceived to be more competent. That does nothing to explain the success of Donald Trump.

China is considering a plan to build large jets. The only problem is how to sell them at Wal-Mart.

Gas prices are now over $3 a gallon in parts of California. People still think it's worth it to drive to the store to buy their $5 bottle of drinking water.

Exxon-Mobil plans to spend some of their record profits on twenty global projects over the next three years. Mostly new vacation homes for their chief executives.

Carlos Slim Helu, the richest man in Mexico is worth 6.3% of the annual economic output of the entire country. That puts his net wealth somewhere in the vicinity of $17.

An Arizona diner cooks their food in lard and is called the "Heart Attack Grill". One hamburger contains 8,000 calories. They are being sued by McDonald's for identity theft.

The motto of the Heart Attack Grill is "Take out or die in".

Kobe Bryant calls his one game suspension for hitting another player "ridiculous" and says the NBA is making an example of him. Looking at Kobe's record, he is anything but an example.

The University of Cincinnati has suspended a football player for lying during an investigation. He says he is counting on a pardon from President Bush.

"American Idol" judge Simon Cowell says he has no sympathy for Britney Spears. He claims her rehab is self-indulgent, and that she should be forced to spend time with people who have real problems. Apparently it's not easy sitting next to Paula every week.

Kate Winslet was awarded damages from a magazine that says she visited a diet doctor. That is what is known in legal circles as an open and shut case.

Eddie Van Halen is reportedly in rehab. He was going to shave his head like Britney Spears but didn't want to be confused with David Lee Roth.

Pope Benedict XVI says he was opposed to having Bob Dylan appear with pope John Paul II in 1997. Apparently he talked with Dylan and thought he was speaking in tongues.

Grandmaster Flash will become the first rapper inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Apparently he is the first one to live long enough after his first record to qualify.

A study says more than seven million teens in the U.S. binge drink. What's the best way to end teen drinking? Just wait until they turn twenty.

Research shows that obese couples have a tougher time having babies. Just how fat are we getting?

If obese people are having a tough time getting pregnant, we are in for a baby shortage in the next few years.

Do obese couples have a tougher time getting pregnant, or is it just hard to tell when they are?

The worldwide use of drugs for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder has tripled. Researchers know this because only one third of the surveys sent out were filled out completely.

A study shows that prisoners who endure poor or degrading treatment suffer the same symptoms as people who have been tortured. That means the net result is the same for people on "American Idol" and "Survivor".

A New Mexico legislator wants Pluto restored as a planet. The idea is that Pluto could receive a pardon at the same time as Scooter Libby.

A study shows that rats can think like humans. Apparently both feel that KFC is "finger lickin' good".

Corn ethanol is raising the price of beef. Corn is in short supply from being used as a cheap replacement for gasoline, so the price of feed is up 40%. That means you break even going to a McDonald's drive-thru.

Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito threw out the first pitch at a Tampa Bay Devil Rays baseball game. Since he wasn't there for the 2000 election, he took the opportunity to throw out the Fourteenth Amendment himself.

An Indiana man is suing the Indiana Pacers after Boomer the mascot tackled him during a halftime contest. Apparently the mascot was given Ron Artest's old number.

Stephen Ross has stepped down after eighteen years as executive director of the Royal Canadian Golf Association. He says he is not sure what he is going to do to occupy those three weeks.

Former world's number two ranked women's tennis pro Andrea Jaeger has become a nun in Colorado. Apparently she has made a lifelong commitment to finding salvation for John McEnroe.

A report says switching to Daylight Saving Time early this year cost businesses one and a half billion dollars. Apparently the same scammers that got rich during Y2K struck again.

Ford workers got bonuses despite record losses in 2006. Apparently their plan is to treat everyone like an executive.

Dress sizes are getting smaller as Americans are getting bigger. What is now a size two used to be a four. A size four used to be an eight, and a twelve used to be an infield tarp.

Rosie O'Donnell says she is fighting depression by hanging upside down. Donald Trump says he fights depression by imagining Rosie O'Donnell hanging upside down from the 25th floor.

"American Idol" is helping fight poverty by raising donations on an upcoming show. The money will go to help ease the poverty of the person kicked off during that episode.

An Israeli firm has developed an armed combat robot. Some people are concerned. The last time that happened, it got elected Governor of California.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Fortunately this is Daylight Saving Time, so that gives you an extra hour to send the love...

No comments: