Sunday, March 18, 2007

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers...It's the fourth anniversary of the invasion of Iraq...Known by anti-war activists as the March of Madness...

Wal-Mart is dropping its bid to establish a bank. They couldn't decide if it would be based on the dollar or the Yuan.

A winter storm that blanketed the northeast over the weekend caused more than 1,400 flight cancellations. Or as JetBlue calls it, snow camp.

The U.S. has been swamped with thousands of passport requests. New rules require them to be shown on return from Mexico and Canada. The alternative is the undocumented alien passport, otherwise known as a pair of wire cutters.

The FBI says extremists are signing up to become school bus drivers. Apparently terrorists figure if they can survive driving around a bus full of American sixth graders, they can withstand any torture the government can dish out.

Several New Hampshire towns are eliminating games of chance to resolve elections that end in a tie. Apparently the Supreme Court only does that in Presidential elections.

New Hampshire feels that elections should be won the old fashioned way. By the person with the most money.

A Michigan church is honoring a wild turkey that regularly attended service and greeted churchgoers as they arrived. The bird was hit by a car and killed. The bird was remembered as a friend to the community, and delicious.

Hundreds of passengers were stranded on planes at JFK Airport for hours waiting for the weekend snow storm to let up. Some passengers were not allowed off the planes for several hours. For their inconvenience, they were given complimentary passes for JetBlue.

Cate Blanchett is in negotiations as the new love interest for the next "Indiana Jones" movie. Not to say Harrison Ford is getting older, but the part was originally going to go to Anna Nicole Smith.

The new "Indiana Jones" movie will be another archaeological adventure. Blanchett will wheel Harrison Ford to a Rolling Stones concert.

Larry King is recovering from routine vascular surgery. Of course, a heart transplant is pretty much routine for Larry King.

Apparently King caught a bit of a chill when they accidentally sent him over to the morgue.

President Bush is charging democrats with trying to micromanage the war in Iraq. He says the war is doing just fine with the current strategy of no management.

Internet reference site Wikipedia erroneously reported the death of comedian Sinbad. At this point, he's only dead in Hollywood.

Apparently he was considered dead since he hasn't checked into rehab in the past few years.

A study shows that fewer than a third of Americans eat the recommended amount of fruits and vegetables. All the government has to do to change that is to proclaim them as fattening.

A Florida museum is displaying a controversial show featuring the confederate flag. The show is controversial mainly because it isn't in Alabama.

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson is set to sign a law making medicinal marijuana legal in the state. The ceremony will take several hours and will be followed by a buffet of munchies.

President Bush met with Irish Prime Minister Bertie Ahern to discuss Irish immigration into the United States. President Bush said he likes the Irish, but insists on building a new fence between Ireland and the U.S.

The Post Office will decorate mail boxes like the robot R2D2 to commemorate the 30th anniversary of "Star Wars". It will be the first droid featured by the Post Office since all the people who work behind the counters.

Bolivian coca farmers want Coca-Cola to drop the word "Coca" from it's name, claiming they own the name of the leaf. They also want the billiards industry to drop the term "8-Ball".

Amnesty International wants Egypt to reject changes to its constitution that will allow the government to monitor communications, greater powers of arrest and to bypass the courts system with terrorism suspects. If it works there they will ask the Bush Administration to do the same.

Mexican police have found $206 million stashed in a house in Mexico City. Not only are Mexicans illegally moving into California, now they are trying to save enough money to buy a house there.

Iran's army commander has warned the U.S. not to make a "stupid move" when it comes to Tehran's nuclear work. The commander needs to realize there is no more "stupid move" than daring President Bush to invade your country.

The nationalized oil monopoly in Mexico is deeply in debt and in a crisis. No wonder all the Mexicans are coming up to the U.S. How bad is your government when they can't make money off oil?

The government run oil industry in Mexico is suffering from depleted reserves, crumbling pipelines and outdated technology. Or as we call it here, Exxon service stations.

U.S. oil companies use the Mexican oil problem as an example to show why they should be allowed to stay in control and raise prices as much as they want.

A "Jeopardy!" episode ended with a three way tie. It was the first three-way ever involving people who qualified for "Jeopardy!".

A Michigan man who underwent a hand transplant was allowed to leave the hospital. Unfortunately, his HMO didn't cover transportation so he had to use his new hand to thumb a ride home.

A report says the percentage of college students that binge drink has not changed since 1993. The reason is the students who were binging in 1993 are still in college.

The report says 40% of college students binge drink. The other 60% are lying.

A study says people who suffer heart attacks on weekends are more likely to die than those who have them during the week. That's because emergency rooms are filled with more people with violent injuries like gunshot wounds who get treated first. So any heart attack victims are advised to shoot themselves before going to the hospital.

The chairman of the House Science Committee says NASA is headed for a train wreck if it is not funded better. Apparently he means that astronauts will be forced to take Amtrak instead.

A government report says this winter was the warmest on record. And that was before the Walter Reed and U.S. Attorney scandals made things really hot in Washington.

Al Gore has collected three hundred thousand electronic signatures asking congress to take action on global warming. Unfortunately, the ones collected in Florida were somehow deleted.

A North Pole expedition to bring attention to global warming was called off when one of the explorers developed frostbite. That's not the best way to convince people that things are getting hotter.

A news program featuring Tom Brokaw on an Arizona cable station was interrupted by a pornographic film. That brought new meaning to the term "hard news".

A suspected madam has been barred from selling her client list which reportedly has many powerful names on it. Apparently the judge is worried the madam's clients could suffer the pain of of being placed on junk mail and spam lists.

The Supreme Court has agreed to hear the case of a high school student who was expelled for holding a sign that said "Bong Hits 4 Jesus". Apparently the student feels the court may side with him since they were more than likely smoking something when they made the Florida election ruling in 2000.

This would give a whole new meaning to the term "High Court".

A study says that one in ten high school cafeterias lack regular health inspections. The other nine are the ones that manage to stay open.

Fifty house and senate GOP members are coming out against the No Child Left Behind program. The way things are going in Washington, the only one being left behind is President Bush.

A study says that Latinos are less likely to be on line than other ethnic groups. Although there are a lot more on the Internet now that the border crossing cams are being web cast.

The Latinos can see when they need to pick up their friends and relatives at the Wal-Mart.

DePauw University has severed its ties with Delta Zeta, the sorority that expelled women who were too fat or unattractive. Apparently the sorority should have been called "Catherine Zeta".

Thai customs officials have confiscated more than 2,500 dried sea horses that are used as Chinese medicines. What do you call dehydrated sea horses? Sea Biscuits.

Some lawmakers in Georgia are planning a "Confederate Month" to honor the various races and ethnic groups that contributed to the South's efforts at secession. There was the Klan, the rednecks, the racists...

There is already a designated time to celebrate the Confederacy in Alabama. It's called "the calendar".

A bill in congress would establish a congressional district that would have a member of congress representing Washington, D.C. Who is going to want that job? Can you imagine having every member of congress as your constituents?

The company that sells Chiquita Bananas is in trouble for reportedly paying terrorists $25 million for protection. If they are convicted, they say they will a-peel.

A Colorado high school student reportedly found a dead mouse in a bag of chips. At KFC that is called a "go order".

Congress is eyeing tougher home loan standards in light of the mortgage foreclosure scandal. Congress understands this issue as the House is always for sale.

A poll says most Americans say their standard of living is better than they expected. It's also a lot better than they can afford.

Most Americans say their standard of living is better than they ever expected. And the debt they leave their children will also be a lot higher than their children ever expected.

Halliburton is moving its headquarters to Dubai. Apparently they want to be closer to the money they are stealing in Iraq.

NCAA March Madness is one of the biggest weekends of the year in Las Vegas. People travel from all over the country to bet on the biggest long shots- Which players will actually graduate.

March Madness starts with 65 contestants and winds up with only one left standing. Just like the Anna Nicole Smith paternity case.

AT&T is suing NASCAR for the right to sponsor a race car. They have a lot in common with stock cars. They are both noisy, expensive and both keep you running around in circles.

The French Open tennis tournament will start giving equal prize money to both men and women. It was only right, since they treat non-French speaking players from all over the world equally as rude.

Tonya Harding called police to report people breaking into her house. Apparently it was a reaction to medication. Apparently she thought she heard someone letting the air out of her home's tires.

Harding's agent says she recently changed allergy medications. What is she allergic to, reality?

Any day now, Harding will shave her head and report to rehab.

The University of Texas Dallas is favored to win their third chess championship. That's the one sport where you know they have no problems graduating players.

The team uniform is sweat pants so the other athletes can't give them wedgies.

Britney Spears has reportedly met a new boyfriend in rehab. Reminds me of that other great rehab romance. Liz Taylor and Larry Fortensky. How are they doing these days?

Why not meet someone in rehab? Where else can you meet so many other celebrities with money?

Heather Mills McCartney says there are "huge powers" out to get her. She says the British media is trying to ruin her personal life, career and reputation. All three can pretty much be summed up as "gold digger".

How hard is it to ruin the reputation of a woman who married one of the most popular entertainers in the world for a few years and demands $20,000 a day for a settlement?

Regis Philbin is recovering from heart bypass surgery. Co-host Kelly Ripa says Regis has the heart of a 19 year old. Unfortunately, any more that is true.

Kelly Ripa says Regis has the heart of a 19 year old. Well, not yet. But he is on a list.

Ricky Martin will lead the Puerto Rican Day Parade in New York City. They just have to make sure people don't confuse it with the Puerto Rican GAY Parade.

The Who postponed concerts in Florida and Mexico because Roger Daltrey is suffering from bronchitis. Daltrey has lung problems and Pete Townsend is deaf. The Rolling Stones are even saying the band looks terrible.

Tori Spelling had a baby boy, delivered by C-section. The baby will now join his mother on the D-list.

Spain has banned mannequins that are too thin. Since when did store dummies become role models?

How about banning those male mannequins that have been neutered? If women are bothered by skinny women dummies, think of how men feel around castrated males.

Researchers say "fat talk" about their bodies helps women forge friendships with each other. However, men are highly advised to leave that one alone.

A study says hormones may explain teen moodiness. Parents know that hormones may explain teen everything.

A study says Japanese people may be too stressed for sex. How can you be too stressed for sex, but not stressed enough to take part in a study about it?

The New York City Council has voted to ban aluminum bats from high school baseball. They say it is embarrassing to see the kids hit the ball farther than the Mets.

44 year old Evander Holyfield won a non-title fight as his name is being linked to an investigation of abuse of Human Growth Hormone. Apparently Holyfield is using the growth hormone in an attempt to replace what Mike Tyson bit off from his ears.

A Wisconsin man paid a thirteen dollar fine for a high school algebra book he lost thirty years ago. More embarrassingly, he couldn't answer the question "If Bob loses his $5 book in 1977, how much interest does he owe along with the cost of the book in 2007?"

British schools are teaching same sex family themes. It's causing some parents to question the method. For one thing, kids are becoming confused when people sing "God Save the Queen".

Kids are confused about being taught same sex family values. Apparently they have no idea what is going on between Prince Charles and Camilla.

A survey says that binge drinking in Europe is at its highest in Ireland and Britain. When you have beaten the French and Germans at drinking, now that is saying something.

Larry Birkhead, Anna Nicole Smith's former boyfriend has parted ways with his attorney Debra Opri. Not only is Birkhead claiming he is Smith's baby's father, now Opri is claiming she is the mother.

The Boston Celtics beat the San Antonio Spurs at home for the first time in seventeen years. Even Davy Crockett had a better record in San Antonio than that.

An engineering school in India has told students to cut back on computer, gaming and blogging time because it leads to being reclusive and even suicidal. To make sure all students received the warning, it was sent by text message.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Instead of going insane with March Madness, how about just sending the love...



















No comments: