Sunday, February 18, 2007

Greetings, Oh faithful readers...The NBA All-Star game is in Las Vegas. Experts predict a high scoring record...The game could be exciting, too...

The NBA All-Star game is in Las Vegas. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Which means in 20 years the city will be able to field their own NBA team.

Warren Buffett has been named the top charity donor, giving more than $36 billion to Bill Gates' foundation. The top charity receiver has been identified as the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Gates accepted the check and chuckled, saying he remembered making his first $36 billion.

The Air Force is set to test a synthetic fuel on its jets in North Dakota. In a related story, Fargo has been issued the first ever synthetic smog alert.

Robert Adler, the inventor of the TV remote has died at 93. Actually, he died three years ago but nobody noticed as he hadn't moved from his couch since 1975.

Adler was responsible for more than two million cases of Carpal Tunnel Syndrome ever since the arrival of 500 channel cable.

Smog researcher Sheldon Friedlander has died at 79 in Los Angeles. His cremation will be delayed until the ozone level drops to an acceptable level.

Friedlander lived in Los Angeles to study smog and died of lung disease. On his death certificate it will be listed as "natural causes".

The National Archives wants Colorado to return a portrait of former President Clinton. Apparently there a lot of Red States that want the opportunity to hang Clinton.

New Jersey says it will honor out of state gay marriages. The question is, how many gay people are going to want to move to New Jersey?

New Jersey says married gay couples won't be able to call themselves "married". Kind of like how Oakland Raiders followers can't really call themselves "football fans".

An 84 year old Oregon woman admits to having sex with an 11 year old boy. And he thought grandma's house smelled funny before.

You think kids hated having to kiss grandma before. How creepy is it to think that might erupt into foreplay?

Catholics are criticizing New York for handing out free condoms with subway pictures on the wrappers. They say it encourages people to have sex. They're right. Just ask anyone who's ridden on the D Train.

The Indian tribe that shared the first Thanksgiving Dinner with the Pilgrims, the Mashpee Wampanoags are finally being recognized by Washington as a sovereign nation. That shows what happens when you don't return the leftover dishes.

Jet Blue is apologizing to the passengers it left stranded on planes for more than ten hours without food or working restrooms. Apparently the airline gets its name from the color people turn after ten hours with no bathroom breaks.

Britney Spears shaved her head and got two tattoos this week. Well, we've seen every other part of her body that she shaves, why not?

If Britney is crying out that she needs mental health attention, that was already made pretty obvious when she married Kevin Federline.

Shaving her head and getting two tattoos? That should pretty much put an end to the rumors Britney is in rehab.

A shaved head and tattoos? She's not in rehab. It sounds more like she's joining the Navy.

A shaved head and tattoos. Of all people to emulate, Britney picks Sinead O'Connor and Cher. She could at least have copied someone who was relevant into the 1990s.

Scotty Pippen is considering coming out of retirement. He is looking for an NBA team with a chance of winning a title who needs someone who can sit on the bench and wave a towel in support.

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy told congress that first rate judges are leaving the bench due to low pay. Congress told him that was the problem with lifelong appointments. There's no chance to solicit big campaign donations or get bribes from lobbyists.

Congress told Kennedy that they don't like first rate judges, because those are the ones that lock them up with they get caught taking bribes.

Ford is spending $20 million on NASCAR race cars this year. That's how much it costs them to come up with a car that makes it 500 miles without breaking down.

It's their one chance to finish ahead of GM at least at something.

How do they justify spending that much when laying people off? When you're tossing away $12 billion a year, what's another few million dollars here and there?

Several states are looking at tax on the profits of local businesses to raise more revenue. If the reverse holds true, Michigan is going to be paying out a lot of money to the people at Ford.

Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia has moved into the top ten most used web sites. This surprised many people, who were shocked to see a non-porn site make the top ten.

A study says work desks are loaded with germs, and that women's desks are worse than men's. That's because women attract a lot more germs to their desks. Mostly men.

Watch sales are reportedly down 17% in the past few years because of other electronic devices that keep time. Also because our wrists have gotten so fat, watches won't fit on them anymore.

A company has designed a mobile phone for people over 65 years old. To make seniors move comfortable with the product, it comes with a cord that is always tangled, and a rotary dialer.

The FCC has told congress it would like to regulate violence over the airwaves. Forget violence, how about working to regulate those idiots on C-SPAN?

Why not? The FCC did so well at handling the Janet Jackson exposed breast incident, what could go wrong?

Comedian Al Franken has left Air America to run for Senator from Minnesota. It's the perfect training ground. A lot of people sitting around talking while the place goes bankrupt.

Clint Eastwood was elected to the French Legion of Honor. The Legion honors military, cultural, scientific of social contributions to France, including people not French citizens. In fact, some day they hope to elect a French citizen.

Nicole Richie has been charged with misdemeanor DUI after being caught driving the wrong way on a freeway two months ago. It took so long to charge her because her case, and apparently Richie herself fell between the cracks.

A Chicago newspaper reporter was reportedly roughed up by Cook County Hospital Police while covering a protest. It got so violent, a Democratic Convention almost broke out.

Counting Crows singer Adam Duritz has started his own record label. This means the Counting Crows now actually have a chance of being signed to a new record label.

Research says the aging population of the U.S. faces hearing loss. Upon hearing the news, many Americans said "What?".

This comes as good news for President Bush, who is getting tired of explaining just what it was he said.

The FDA has approved a laser brush that reportedly cures baldness. That explains why all those bald, middle age men go to Pink Floyd concerts that have laser light shows.

An English woman claims she got cancer from hugging her dad who worked with asbestos. The same excuse didn't work for a woman who hugged a fisherman and caught the crabs.

A report says teenagers are staying away from marijuana and using their parents' prescription drugs. Depending on how old their parents are, some kids are getting stoned out of their minds, while others just report lower blood pressure and cholesterol.

A study says people know more basic science than they did two decades ago. That means that twenty years ago they were still trying to change lead into gold in Kansas.

Researchers at Arizona State University and University of Pittsburgh say they have recreated a replica of George Washington's face. Couldn't they have just looked at a $1 bill?

Research shows that this January was the hottest in world history. The lack of natural gas used for heating meant energy companies could have been in big trouble had they not been able to jack the price of gasoline so high the past few years.

An ancient coin depicts Cleopatra as being less than beautiful. Some future civilization will find one of our quarters and come to the conclusion that former First Lady Barbara Bush was no beauty queen, either.

GM is reportedly in talks to buy Chrysler. It's one way of eliminating competition. The other way is to sit and just watch Ford.

An Arkansas lawmaker is proposing pink license plates with the letters "DUI" for people with three drunk driving convictions. How about just not letting those people drive?

A New York man was found dead in front of his TV a year after he died, with the TV still on. People were amazed. How did he keep his cable going without paying the bill?

If he had a Nielsen box on his TV, some station really got a bonanza for the past year.

A study shows that California uses less energy per capita than any other state. They don't need to heat their homes, don't need tanning booths, and all the dishwashers are manual. Make that Manuel, from Mexico.

A polo elephant in Sri Lanka went berserk and crushed a mini bus during a game. People hadn't seen a set of ears that big in a polo match since Prince Charles last visited.

A post card sent during World War I arrived in London 82 years late. It still came in ahead of the French.

New Mexico is using talking urinal cakes to discourage people from driving while drunk. If nothing else, it encourages people to aim better to try to hit the urinal cake.

The talking urinal cake tells people their future is in their hand. Is that really an appropriate thing to say to someone standing at a urinal?

Prince Harry is reportedly going to be deployed to Iraq at the end of February. Apparently there will be no special treatment. He will have to stay at a four star hotel with no room service.

The government says neither his life nor the lives of his troops will be put in danger. American troops were amazed. There is a safe place in Iraq?

The Organization for Migration says that violence in Iraq could drive as many as one million Iraqis out of the country this year. That is no surprise. President Bush said our efforts would liberate the Iraqis.

The Organization for Migration? Why can't they organize migration over here?

The Chinese New Year was celebrated over the weekend. This is the Year of the Pig. Even Donald Trump got into the act by wishing a Happy New Year to Rosie O'Donnell.

The Year of the Pig signals epidemics, disaster and violence for much of the world. Which means business as usual in the Middle East.

Drug wars in Mexico are going digital, with gangs showing videos of violence against rivals put on youtube. The drug wars in Canada are even going digital, with home movies also going on youtube showing busloads of seniors coming back into the U.S. with their prescriptions.

The new $1 coin was rolled out on Thursday. The coin features our first President. George Washington was picked because these days the coin is pretty much worth about a quarter.

Vice President Cheney has urged top manufacturers to lobby congress to extend trade promotion authority to President Bush. Business leaders were surprised. We still have manufacturers here?

A poll says three quarters of Americans oppose scrapping the dollar bill for the dollar coin. The other one quarter says they wish the dollar was worth a quarter.

Unfortunately, the only coin really worth a dollar anymore are those one dollar casino chips.

Twenty three attorneys general have written Anheuser Busch to ask for better safeguards against young viewers accessing the website. The site features beer themed shows and sporting events. Otherwise known as Sunday afternoon network programming.

Hershey is cutting 1,500 jobs in the U.S. That means they will be cutting back their staff at the same time they are expanding America's rear end.

Many of those jobs are going to Mexico. Why are all those Mexicans still crossing the border looking for work when all of our jobs are headed down that way?

Ford has admitted it is not meeting its key goals of the company's restructuring plan. Mostly building a car that anyone will buy.

Fewer than half of Ford's employees have any confidence in the company's long term success. Of course, most of those people are in the half that will be losing their jobs in the next few months.

Fewer than half the employees have any confidence in the company's long term success. Did Ford lift its strategy from Donald Rumsfeld's Iraq master plan?

Chrysler's downsizing will affect eight Midwest plants. To promote company morale, their new motto is "At least you're not building Fords".

A high end London restaurant is offering a free meal to any fashion models with a BMI of 18 or less. Restaurant experts say if all models take advantage of the deal, the restaurant could lose up to $8.

NBA Commissioner David Stern says he isn't worried about games being fixed. In fact, he says the only thing in the NBA that needs to be fixed is Shawn Kemp.

Queen Elizabeth is reportedly going to come to the Kentucky Derby. If anyone knows about bloodlines and inbreeding, it is Queen Elizabeth.

Queen Elizabeth is rumored to be coming to the Kentucky Derby. Not only that, but Camilla Parker Bowles has been made a 5-2 favorite.

The California Horse Racing Board says thoroughbreds will be subject to random drug tests. Big deal. A lot of good that did with Barry Bonds.

Sylvester Stallone was detained at the airport in Sydney, Australia. Authorities became suspicious when he produced ID that listed his occupation as "actor".

Eminem's ex-wife says he was unfaithful and uncaring during their marriage. Didn't she ever listen to his lyrics before they were married?

Apparently that was the reason she divorced him the first time. Who would have guessed that he would behave the same way the second time she married him and that it would result in another divorce?

The U.S. is ranked second to last in the world among wealthy nations for child welfare by the U.N. In all fairness, we would have ranked a lot higher had they not included Britney Spears in the study.

Research shows that people in the southeast and southwest U.S. have the highest heart disease rates. Of course, that's where all the northeasterners move when they get old.

An auction raised $125,000 for retired NFL players' benefits. It's good to see someone is looking out for those men who deserve a little extra something in their golden years, like O.J. Simpson.

Cubs pitcher Kerry Woods was injured getting out of a hot tub. How is it that baseball players can throw strikes at 100 mph from 60 feet away, and hit a curve ball out of the park, but can't chop vegetables or take a dip without suffering major injuries?

Apparently Woods was distracted in the hot tub, another victim of the curse of the babes.

Retired Miami Heat guard Tim Hardaway said on a radio program he hates gays. It's a good thing he didn't have to play in the 70s when everyone couldn't help but look gay in those tight shorts.

A man is suing IBM for firing him for visiting adult chat rooms while at work. Gee, I wonder how IBM knew what he was looking at?

A company is selling "Bling" brand water for up to $75 a bottle. There are only two times water is worth that much. When you are stranded in the middle of the Sahara Desert, or if Halle Berry asks if she can be entered in a wet T-shirt contest.

As soon as a bottle of "Bling" sells for $75, the name is officially changed to "Moron".

For $75 you could order lunch for four people at a decent restaurant, and get a glass of water for free.

Experts say that patients who lie to their doctors could jeopardize their health. Especially if they lie about having health insurance.

Daylight Saving Time starts early this year, on March 11th. Computer experts warn their could be a mini Y2K problem as computers are not set for the new date. People could actually have to learn to set clocks forward by hand.

Computer malfunctions could cripple the country for up to an hour.

Bobby Knight says the new rule requiring a year of college before turning pro is the worst thing that has happened to college basketball since he's been coaching. The worst thing in college basketball before that was him coaching.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Remember, these jokes are copyrighted. First I copy them. Then I write them. All you have to do is send the love...

No comments: