Sunday, February 25, 2007

Greetings, Oh faithful readers...President Bush is excited that March is almost here. Not the month, the order to go into Iran...

Al Gore's movie "An Inconvenient Truth" won the Academy Award for Best Documentary. Republicans are already asking for a recount.

The Academy has already taken the movie to heart. In an effort to limit global warming, they stopped Gore from talking for more than thirty seconds.

Forbes Magazine says the world's most expensive house is a 53,000 square foot mansion in Montana. However, the two houses that are the biggest money pits are still the House of Representatives and the White House.

Some U.S. schools are looking at extending their hours. Most schoolkids wouldn't know the difference since they don't know how to tell time anyway.

Lothar Guenther-Buchhein, the man who wrote "Das Boot" has died at 89. The cause of death isn't known. His obituary just says he kicked das boot.

NASA says they have a plan on the books to deal with deranged astronauts in space. They are to be bound with duct tape and tranquilized. It's similar to the new JetBlue passenger plan.

NASA says they have a plan to deal with deranged astronauts in space. When they go crazy on earth, they're just like any other diaper wearing, mace spraying, disguised member of society.

Apparently, the plan for dealing with deranged astronauts came about after an incident in the early days between John Glenn and a chimpanzee.

A California legislator has dropped a bill that would ban spanking children 3 and under. Apparently the bill will be put on hold until toddlers can pool their allowance money and hire a lobbyist.

Kate Hanni, who was stuck on an American Airlines plane for eight hours is lobbying congress for a passengers' bill of rights. Unfortunately, she hasn't been seen since she took off for Washington, D.C. on JetBlue.

Cheese maker Joseph Gallo has died in California. Although he was listed as being 87 years old, his obituary just says he was fully aged.

A new x-ray machine that looks through clothes is being used at the Phoenix Airport. Some people claim it is too invasive. Especially when the drunk airline pilots come by and put money in the women's underwear.

Spanish language network Univision is facing a $24 million fine from the FCC. I didn't even know Janet Jackson knew how to speak Spanish.

Apparently, the fine was handed down to stop that annoying guy who runs around in the bee costume.

Univision hasn't challenged the ruling. They think they've been fined 24 million pesos which comes out to just under ten bucks.

A Kentucky middle school teacher got busted for trying to buy marijuana after text messaging a state trooper instead of their dealer. Instead of getting smoke, she got a Smokie.

Obviously, the teacher needs to get in her wireless provider's friends, family and dealers plan.

The White House performed a bomb drill, to test what would happen if several cities were attacked at once. Test results won't be available for six months, when FEMA files their report.

New Mexico Governor and presidential candidate Bill Richardson says he hope to mobilize Hispanics for the vote. All he has to do is check with the border guards to see just how mobile the Hispanics are these days.

Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack has dropped out of the presidential race. He almost achieved his goal of getting his approval numbers ahead of his "Who is he?" numbers.

Tom Vilsack at least is now the second most well known Iowa politician in history, right behind the guy who played "Gopher" on "The Love Boat".

Vilsack abandoned his dream of the White House when he found out that only 27% of the people in Iowa had ever even heard of him.

In three weeks of campaigning, Vilsack had raised almost $87.

The Florida Secretary of State says there were no malfunctions in the voting machines in a controversial congressional race that was won by a republican. There were no malfunctions since the machine did exactly as it was programmed to do.

Nissan and Renault are planning on building a car factory in India. I don't know if a global economy was what people had in mind when Japan and France team together to take jobs from the U.S. and send them to India.

TV cameras caught rats running around freely in a New York City KFC/Taco Bell. Actually, it was only on the Taco Bell side. The rats wouldn't eat the KFC food.

A KFC/Taco Bell spokesperson says the rats are there to keep the roaches away.

The Girl Scouts are dropping trans fats from their cookies. This action came after the traditional Girl Scout uniform was replaced by a mu mu.

The trans fats were dropped after it was realized that girl scouts were using their tents as uniforms.

Wendy's has closed their original restaurant in Columbus, Ohio. The chain was started in the 1960's. Apparently it is being converted into Wendy's own private retirement home.

The attorney for Anna Nicole Smith's five month old daughter says Smith will not be buried before Tuesday. This is in order to give all the cable news networks even more time to exploit the story.

The attorney represents Smith's five month old daughter. The attorney was appointed to protect the rights of the infant. The question is, when is someone going to appoint an attorney for Britney Spears' children?

Crew members of the Space Shuttle Atlantis practiced a countdown for their scheduled launch in March. Mostly they practiced locking the hatch to keep out crazy astronaut Lisa Nowak.

The first beaver in nearly 200 years has been spotted in New York City. Officials were excited until it was just discovered to be a rat that had its tail run over.

The beaver was spotted in the Bronx River. The river is so clean now, bodies can be spotted in water almost eight feet deep.

The number of visitors to the Air and Space Museum at the Smithsonian Institute have dropped dramatically recently. Apparently word has gotten out that people are being held captive at the JetBlue exhibit.

The number of visitors to the Air and Space Museum is way down. Apparently nobody wants to see the space capsules anymore knowing that the astronauts are sitting in them wearing diapers.

Former Yankee pitcher Don Larsen watched a film of his World Series perfect game for the first time since 1956. The game took barely two hours. These days, it takes that long just to inject all the players with steroids.

An original copy of the Declaration of Independence that was bought for $2.48 was auctioned off for nearly a quarter of a million dollars. Or as lobbyists call it, getting your money's worth when buying the government.

Before the copy can be sold, it must be authenticated. There was some suspicion of the document raised when the large signature was revealed to be that of Donald Trump.

A ten year old Pennsylvania boy is suing his school for refusing to allow him to dress up as Jesus for Halloween. Unfortunately, these days in a robe, sandals and beard, Jesus could be mistaken for a terrorist.

The school did say it would be alright if he dressed up as Jesus the school gardener.

Th Colorado River is reportedly shrinking in size due to population and a warming climate. In fact, it is getting so small that if the Grand Canyon would be started today. it would end up as the Big Crack.

IKEA is going to charge a nickel for plastic bags at its stores. The plastic bags are to put in all the extra parts left over after assembling their furniture.

A printing error resulted in several people in Texas getting utility bills charging them billions of dollars. The utility company apologized, saying it confused their bills with their executives' salaries.

The utility company said that increase wasn't supposed to go into effect until next year.

Gay people in China are arranging fake marriages to hide their homosexuality which is still persecuted in their country. This has resulted in several marriage proposals for Liza Minnelli.

Pope Benedict XVI has condemned genetic engineering to make "designer babies". Except to make it so the kids can't squeal on their priest.

Israeli bus passengers are being treated to free yoga lessons to teach them how to breathe correctly. Bus passengers in Los Angeles, on the other hand are being taught to not breathe at all.

"American Idol" is starting a kids camp to give them tips about getting onto the show. For $2900 you basically get a Karaoke Bar for kids.

Boys are taught that by projecting the right image and having the right sound, they could end up sleeping with Paula Abdul.

Elizabeth Arden says the perfume deal that they have with Britney Spears is still safe. Perfume deal? What Britney needs to do is get a deal with Gillette razors.

Shopkeepers in India are protesting Wal-Mart's plan to expand into that country. The Indian people are afraid their country could end up like another U.S.

NASCAR is being urged to look at renewable fuels. Race teams are being asked to switch from gasoline to alcohol. If it's good enough to fuel their fans, it should be good enough for the cars.

A professor from the University of Michigan says Americans will keep the economy strong with shopping as they are still happy with goods and services. Of course, this is coming from a professor in Michigan, the home of Ford Motors.

Brussels Airlines is changing its logo, which consists of thirteen circles arranged in a "B" shape. People have complained that it is unlucky. It could be worse. Their logo could say "JetBlue".

JetBlue is considering a passengers' bill of rights. The rights include the right to remain silent, the right to remain in your seat...

JetBlue's bill of rights would give passengers $25 if they are up to a half hour late, $100 if they are up to two hours late, and more than two hours late they get to join the pilots in the cockpit for happy hour.

Anything over two hours gets the "Ralph Fiennes" treatment in a lavatory with the flight attendant of your choice.

Wimbledon is going to pay the women's champion the same prize money as the men's champion this year. This is the first concession to equality made at Wimbledon since Billie Jean King insisted they install urinals in the ladies' locker room.

Britney Spears has entered rehab for the third time in a week. Apparently she feels a little self conscious being around all those other stars all day.

A British woman claims to be the real birth mother of Michael Jackson's children. She doesn't have much credibility, though. She lost it when she said that she and Michael are a sexually active couple.

She claims that she and Michael Jackson are a sexually active couple. Just not with each other.

Donald Trump says he wants to be buried on his New Jersey golf course. Upon hearing this, Rosie O'Donnell said the sooner the better.

Trump will be buried with his head sticking out of the ground where his hair will be used for the practice tee.

Former "American Idol" Ruben Studdard is preaching fitness to Alabama school children. Studdard has lost 100 lbs. He didn't try to lose weight, he just doesn't have any money to buy food.

"The Astronaut Farmer" is out. The movie is apparently about the crazy woman astronaut who finally gets sent to the Funny Farm.

The children and partner of James Brown have finally agreed on a burial site. Brown died Christmas Day. People get in trouble for leaving their Christmas lights up longer than that.

A study shows that meetings cloud peoples' minds more than making decisions by themselves. That explains how congress comes up with some of their ideas.

A study shows that worrying about math tests can hurt test scores. That's probably because the students who worry about math tests are ones who don't know it very well.

Advocates for medical marijuana are suing the federal government for refusing to admit pot has medicinal value. Actually they have been planning to sue since 1966 but keep forgetting to file.

A study shows that one third of Alberta, Canada teenage boys were found to use computer porn too many times to count. That means two thirds of Alberta teens don't have Internet access.

AOL is putting ads on all e-mails sent through their system. The ads say "So YOU'RE the one still using AOL?".

Britney Spears has checked in at Promises rehab clinic in Malibu. It costs $48,000 for thirty days. Of course that includes the use of their hair salon which Britney won't be using for awhile.

Britney Spears is paying $48,000 for thirty days of rehab at Promises in Malibu. They charge that much because anyone who agrees to that price must be high.

The problem at Promises rehab clinic is when someone comes in for a gambling addiction. They usually expect to get their room comped.

Some cities are outlawing new digital billboards that change messages every few seconds, saying they are distracting to drivers. Apparently, it is hard to look away at the billboards while concentrating on talking on the cell phone while putting on makeup and eating lunch.

PETA is asking the Atlanta Falcons to suspend Defensive Lineman Jonathan Babineaux for killing a dog. The animal rights group is also asking for Peyton Manning to be suspended for mauling the Bears.

Hall of Fame quarterback Johnny Unitas' rookie contract was auctioned for nearly $30,000. His first year salary was $7,500. The contract was bought by the Players Union so no one will see how little football players used to be paid.

Kansas City Royals pitcher Zack Greinke is back with the team after sitting out several months with "social anxiety". He feels comfortable with the Royals since he never has to play in front of large crowds.

Former NBA player Latrell Sprewell has been banned by a court from seeing his children or their mother. Sprewell says he misses choking them all goodbye every day.

Golfer Fuzzy Zoeller is suing to find out the identity of the author who wrote a defamatory paragraph about him in the online encyclopedia Wikipedia. The article claimed he has a drinking problem. Zoeller says it's not true, sometimes he's just Fuzzy.

More than six thousand people showed up for the first Duke lacrosse game since the program was dropped last year because of rape allegations. Officials didn't know if they should be counted as "spectators" or "potential witnesses".

Roger Federer has tied Jimmy Connors' record of 160 straight weeks ranked as the world's number one tennis player. The only longer streak is 256 straight weeks of abusive behavior by John McEnroe.

Connors and Federer have spent 160 weeks as number one. McEnroe has spent at least that long acting like number two.

A report says the U.S. has made a contingency plan to bomb Iran. The plan is contingent on how badly the administration needs to draw attention away from what's going on in Iraq.

The Virginia Assembly has apologized with "profound regret" for the state's role in slavery. The measure was passed in lieu of a minimum wage hike.

A KFC/Taco Bell restaurant in new York City has closed down temporarily because rats were seen running around inside at night. Apparently they violated state law by now washing their paws.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are reportedly going to adopt a Vietnamese boy. Apparently they've already traveled enough through Africa.

Actor Daniel Baldwin's attorney says Baldwin has passed twenty drug tests in the past three months. Now he just wishes he could pass a screen test.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! The short month of February is almost over...But that doesn't mean there still isn't enough time left to send the love...

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