Sunday, February 11, 2007

Greetings, Oh faithful readers...My opinon of astronauts has sure slipped...Who knew they regularly wore diapers?

Astronaut Lisa Nowak was arrested for attempting to kidnap and murder her romantic rival. She drove from Houston to Orlando wearing a diaper to avoid bathroom breaks. When she was taken into custody this resulted in a real splashdown.

Nowak was in love with astronaut William Oefelein and was trying to eliminate his girlfriend Colleen Shipman. When Oefelein found out two women wanted him, he tried to upgrade the relationship from "Gemini" to "Apollo".

A study shows that the smell of men's sweat arouses women. This explains the movie career success of Jack Black.

So now I know why Dr. Phil is such a big hit with the women.

A Chicago Bears football fan will legally change his name to Peyton Manning after losing a Super Bowl bet. He's just glad he didn't make any bets concerning NASCAR driver Dick Trickle.

Even though he changes his name to Peyton Manning, Chicago area people will still know him as Steve Bartman.

The name change won't last for long. After the Democratic Convention, he will change his name to Barack Obama.

A man has started a website about shoelaces, showing that there are nearly two trillion ways to lace up a pair of shoes. This guy needs to be told about Velcro.

Walter Cronkite says media profits threaten our freedom. Money issues take emphasis away from news gathering. Apparently NBC is the one network that is showing it is still really not concerned with profits.

A poll of Arab nations shows that President Bush is rated as the world's worst leader. That shows that really our cultures aren't that far apart after all.

Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband says he may be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby girl. When Zsa Zsa reads that, the cop slap will seem like a love pat by comparison.

A Florida man has invented shoes with a GPS tracking device to be able to locate the wearer instantly. Or as they are also known, "Bill Clinton's worst nightmare".

Hundreds of married men will buy a pair, give the tracking device to their wives, and stick the shoes under their desk at work forever.

Neuroscientists have developed a brain scan technique that can read people's intentions. Women have already been able to do that with men for eons.

Chicago is considering a tax on all bullets bought in the city. That would be the preferred way for most people to deliver their taxes to the IRS.

If that law were passed in L.A., the 405 Freeway would in effect become a toll road.

Farmers across the country are turning to the Internet to get tips on increasing crop production. This has caused a huge increase in people trolling for Internet corn. (Sorry...)

FEMA says they will help victims from tornadoes that struck on Christmas Day in Florida. That means that next year they will send all survivors holiday greeting cards.

A Texas bodybuilder who is suing Pat Robertson says the TV evangelist threatened to kill him. Of course the man has nothing to fear if this is anything like his other predictions of disaster.

Several Air Force Academy cadets were caught cheating on a basic knowledge test. There is a term for military students who have to cheat on IQ tests. Officer candidates.

A Tennessee manual on how to execute inmates was found to be full of errors. If they weren't sure how to kill someone, why not just ask the other inmates?

New York City Police are being criticized for an increase in stops and frisks, where they pat down people on the street. They are just preparing the people to what it will be like to be fondled when they ride the subways.

A Vermont bill will ban many distractions while driving, including eating, drinking, reading, writing, personal grooming and playing musical instruments. Who could possibly do all that while driving? At least not with a stick shift.

If you are playing a musical instrument in the car, it really is time to break down and buy that iPod.

Members of the Eastern Band of Cherokee Indians could be banished if convicted of dealing drugs. They don't want any morally corrupt people participating in any of those reservation casino profits.

Russian President Vladimir Putin accused the U.S. of creating an arms race that could lead to another Cold War. To which President Bush agreed, saying a Cold War was his plan to end Global Warming.

Spain has built a prison that has family cells for children to live with their parents when they are both imprisoned. What better family values than to have everyone be able participate in that special family time we all enjoy between evening mess hall and lock down?

President Bush says his energy proposals will help the economy. He figures to pay for gasoline, everyone will have to go out and get second and third jobs.

President Bush says his energy proposal will cut gasoline consumption 20% over ten years. His plan was written by oil company executives and calls for raising the price of oil to $100 a barrel.

A new process will allow manure to be made into fiber board for floors and furniture. As long as it isn't used for breakfast cereal fiber.

There's a word for furniture made from crap. Ikea.

A measure to drop the electoral college failed in North Dakota and Montana. Small states like the electoral college because it gives them more power. More populous states like the popular vote for the same reason. Everyone pretty much agrees that to have fair votes, just get rid of Florida.

Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito says one day the Supreme Court will have as many women as men. Of course, not if he has anything to do with it.

Alito says having more women on the court will make it much easier to keep a constant supply of freshly brewed coffee available.

Six thousand Philippine couples kissed at the same time, setting a world's record. They broke the old record set at Folsom Prison right after lock down.

The CEO of U.S. Airways was arrested for DUI in Phoenix. He was charged with impersonating a pilot.

At first police really thought he was a pilot. What CEO actually drives anymore?

They also figured he must be a pilot since he thought he was in Denver.

The head of the Cartoon Network resigned after an ad campaign in Boston turned into a huge security scare. He received a traditional sendoff. He was thrown out of a 30th floor window and had a safe dropped on his head.

New York City is considering banning people from wearing iPods while crossing the street. The law will only be effective if cab drivers try to honk their horns before actually hitting pedestrians.

Security experts are warning of viruses that may be contained in Valentine's Day e-mails. Remember the old days when viruses were only transmitted on Valentine's Day through sexual contact?

The story about astronaut-stalker Lisa Nowak has already been optioned for a movie. I thought that movie was already made. Wasn't it called "Barbarella"?

Men's Fitness Magazine has named Albuquerque as the country's fittest city. Apparently the people burn off a ton of calories just trying to spell "Albuquerque".

The fattest city is Las Vegas. Of course people weigh a lot more coming into town than leaving, if you weigh them with their wallets.

Philadelphia has approved a ban of trans fat foods. Somehow it doesn't sound the same asking for a "Philly tofu-tuna steak" sandwich.

A study shows that doctors' moral beliefs may sway the care alternatives they offer their patients. Whatever happened to the good old days when doctors based treatments on how much it cost?

The FDA has approved an over the counter diet pill. It will only be available to those can't climb over the counter to get it.

The European Union is considering a law to make a crime of harming the environment. This could result in jails all over Europe being filled with the French.

The law could mean the Governor of New Jersey could be hauled into International Court.

Astronaut Michael Lopez-Alegria has broken the record for the most time walking in space. Apparently he left the Space Station thinking he was being followed by Lisa Nowak.

Sixteen inventors were just elected to the Inventors Hall of Fame. The Hall will never be considered legitimate until they induct Ron Popeil.

The Florida leader of a team that botched the execution of a prisoner admits he had no medical training. If they really wanted to kill the inmate, you would think they could have found at least one available HMO doctor.

Unabomber Theodore Kaczynski says he wants libraries to keep his personal papers. The libraries say that would be fine, as long as he doesn't send them by mail.

Iraq's government has identified hundreds of sites that pose health hazards. Those places are called buildings in Iraq.

Some of the world's top chefs put together a $25,000 a plate dinner for forty guests in Bangkok. It's the most anyone has ever paid for a meal that didn't also include the price of a congressman or senator.

A Dutch journalist has asked a court to convict him eating chocolate that came from the Ivory Coast
where there are widespread child labor abuses. The court says they would do it if he did something really bad like wearing Nike shoes and Kathee Lee Gifford brand clothes.

A cab driver in Seattle returned a wallet to a passenger that had nearly six thousand dollars in cash inside it. As it turns out, that just about covered the fare and tip since the ride started in New York City.

A woman gave birth on the floor of an Atlantic City casino. As the baby was being delivered she started screaming "Baby needs a new pair of shoes!"

The woman was relieved that the baby was born in a place that was at least somewhat clean, instead of somewhere like a New Jersey hospital.

General Motors says it will edit an ad that shows a car building robot jumping off a bridge after it was protested by suicide prevention groups. The new ad will be more realistic, instead showing a Ford executive jumping.

Colleges are starting to offer classes on fiscal responsibility so students won't be taken in by unscrupulous credit card companies. The universities want to make sure nothing will get in the way of the students paying off their tuition loans within thirty years' time.

A survey shows the wealthy increasingly believe that the cost of health care will eat away at their assets. Of course, the wealthy are now defined as people without health issues.

Ford is renaming the 500 as the Taurus. It became pretty apparent that 500 was the number of miles the car could be expected to go before breaking down.

500 was the number of cars the company expected to sell.

Ford stopped making the Taurus, but figured they wanted to keep the name going because it had a good image with car buyers. At this point, Ford would do better bringing back the names "Pinto", "Edsel" and "Model T".

Philadelphia 76er Joe Smith says he misplaced $100,000 worth of jewelry in his hotel room. He should learn that the best way to keep from losing jewelry is to wear it all at once like Allen Iverson.

Golfer Michelle Wie fell while running and hurt her wrist. Apparently she is just not used to moving around unless it is in very tall grass.

Russell Crowe's rugby team has fired its cheerleading team for dressing too sexy. Crowe thinks sex has no place in rugby, that like most everything else it's the violence that makes it great.

"American Idol" judge Randy Jackson says that Academy Award nominee Jennifer Hudson would not be where she is without American Idol. Of course, if it weren't for American Idol, Jackson would still be known as Michael Jackson's brother.

Suzanne Sommers found her wedding ring in the ashes of her Malibu house that was burned to the ground earlier this year. She says it was a miracle. Of course, it would have been a lot easier to keep track of if she had been like most people and kept it on her finger.

Research says that genes may be a key to peoples' conduct, including bullying, skipping school and shoplifting. Let's just say the future doesn't look good for the children of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.

A study says that kids that sleep more weigh less than those who sleep less. How fat are we that the only time kids aren't eating is when they are asleep?

Research shows that older people have a rosier view on life than younger people. That's because they know they won't have to spend the next fifty years paying off the national debt created by President Bush.

Scientists say there are 182 species of bacteria that live on human skin. Of course, the number comes way down for anyone who hasn't dated Paris Hilton.

Former NFL referee Earnie Frantz is suing the league for what he claims was an unfair firing. The league says he was racially biased. Apparently he didn't throw the red flag quickly enough to call for a replay of their decision.

NFL quarterback Drew Brees hurt his elbow in the Pro Bowl. League officials figure the only way anyone could get hurt in the Pro Bowl was by lifting the Gatorade bucket at the end of the game.

Major League Baseball has ordered teams to store all baseballs at 70 degrees with 50% relative humidity. This is the first temperature control ordered in baseball since the 32 degree setting issued for Ted Williams.

Major League Baseball has issued climate control standards for baseballs. They may also allow instant replay next season, but only on The Weather Channel.

St. Louis Cardinal Albert Pujols has become a U.S. citizen. Cardinals management says they haven't gained a citizen, they have lost one heck of a groundskeeper.

Former NBA player John Amaechi has come out, saying he is gay. He has written an autobiography, "Man in the Middle". That title alone pretty much gave him away.

The NBA is now investigating on who those other guys might be.

Two Gonzaga basketball players were arrested for possession of marijuana and magic mushrooms. Apparently they were more into Zigzag than Gonzaga.

Tiger Woods, Roger Federer and soccer player Thierry Henry are going to shoot a Gillette shaving commercial. Shaving is about the only time that Tiger has to think about missing a cut.

A tribal group in India is going to pay women if they have more than twelve children. And you thought Madonna and Angelina Jolie were travelling the world looking for kids to adopt before.

A snorkeler in Oregon was shot in the face by a man who mistook him for a swimming rodent. No one had any idea Dick Cheney was even out on the West Coast.

Research shows that a woman's drug use may affect even her grandchildren. If that's true, we could be talking seven or eight generations down the line from Courtney Love.

That means that Anna Nicole Smith's daughter is going to need that inheritance to pay for rehab for all her heirs.

This year's Super Bowl was the second most watched in history, barely being beaten out by Janet Jackson's breast.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! You may love the jokes, you may hate the jokes...But Valentine's Day is this week which is always reason enough to send the love...

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