Sunday, February 04, 2007

Greetings, Oh faithful readers...It's Super Sunday, hte last day of football season. Unless you're a Raiders fan and the end was back in September...

Donald Trump's Social Security number was accidentally given out on documents that showed up on the internet. Who would want to steal his identity? You'd have to adopt his hairstyle and have be worried all day about Rosie O'Donnell coming after you.

Five thousand California convicts will be transferred to out of state prisons because of overcrowding. Just think how bad it would be if they actually convicted celebrities there.

Former New Jersey Governor James McGreevey filed for divorce from his wife. The embarrassment in his personal life was too much for her to bear. It's tough to have to admit you are the first lady of New Jersey.

The groundhog did not see his shadow and called for an early spring. In a related story, no one within a few hundred yards of Kirstie Alley saw their shadows, either.

The Oakland Raiders called for an early spring, also. They've all been on the beach since November.

Florida Governor Charlie Crist wants $32 million to fit elections machines with paper. I believe those machines would be best suited to toilet paper.

So after spending millions of dollars and having disastrous elections with the latest in technology, they have finally decided to go back to paper ballots. Let's hear it for the 19th century!

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom is apologizing for having an affair with his campaign manager's wife. While the manager was 100% behind the candidate, the candidate was 100% behind his wife.

Troy Michigan was against getting a Hooter's restaurant, and now they have two. Critics were against Hooter's, saying it fit the image of the commercial district where it was located. The Big Beaver Commercial District. The only thing that could be worse about that is if the mayor's name was Ben Dover.

Laura Bush's former hair stylist is being sued for sexual harassment by two women who worked for him. Washington society was shocked. A hairstylist who likes women?

Former Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert was released from a hospital following gall bladder surgery. It was a complicated surgery. It took three hours just to locate the gall bladder.

That was the biggest pain in Hastert's side since Nancy Pelosi.

The New York City Council is considering a resolution to ban the N-word. The resolution would be non-binding. Pretty much like all other laws passed in New York.

More than a hundred passengers became ill on a Holland American cruise ship. It was the one cruise ship where passengers actually came back thinner.

Senator Joseph Biden says he regrets remarks he made about Senator Barack Obama, including calling him "articulate" and "clean". How sensitive are we getting? Whatever happened to the good old days, when you got in trouble for saying words like "Macaca" and "Hymietown"?

Biden's controversial remarks actually added life to his campaign. Instead of disappearing two days after announcing his intent to run, he lasted three.

Van Halen has confirmed it will be touring this summer with original front man David Lee Roth. They haven't performed live since 1984. The only difference is that back then they were known as a "hair band". Mostly because back then Roth still had hair.

A group selling gasoline as "terror free" is buying only domestically produced oil. Now they are not buying from terrorists, just greedy, monopolistic robber barons.

President Bush says Medicare and Social Security must change, or we will saddle future generations with trillions of dollars of debt. Kind of like what's already happened with the war in Iraq.

Several states are asking people to report drunk drivers with their cell phones. Of course, before they do that they will have to put down their latte, their makeup kit and get off the phone with the friend they are already talking with.

Exxon reported 2006 profits of nearly $40 billion, and Chevron $17 billion. A large percentage of the profits will go into research and exploration to find even more lavish vacation houses for their executives.

Chevrolet is using an ad in the Super Bowl that was created by a 19 year old student. The ad's theme is "At least we're still better than Ford".

Farrah Fawcett has declared victory in her battle with cancer. However, she is still on the losing end of all her plastic surgery.

Taco Bell has invited Kevin Federline to work in a restaurant for an hour. They figured even they would be sick of him after just a few minutes.

Kevin Federline says he is sorry about shooting the Super Bowl ad that makes fun of fast food workers. Forget that, we're still waiting for an apology about his rap album.

President Bush is urging kids to get outside more often to play and stop obesity. He says kids stay inside too much and take part in too many unimportant activities. Like reading.

A Dutch gym is starting "Naked Sunday" for people who like to work out in the nude. That means the exercise bikes will pretty much get one rider per session.

France is banning public smoking. That means they have found the one way to make French people even more irritable.

A survey says the most common eating disorder is binging, which beat out anorexia and bulimia. Take a look around. Did we really need a survey to see that more people are binging than starving themselves?

Scientists say that germs actually communicate with each other, and that researchers can use the chatter to fight the next generation. To which President Bush said "See? I knew that eavesdropping would eventually pay off."

Global warming scientists say that the average temperature of Australia could go up 9 degrees in the next 65 years. Instead of putting another shrimp on the 'barbie, they'll come already boiled.

A Chewbacca impersonator was arrested for head butting a tour guide who scolded him for harassing tourists. Does it really have to be labeled as a "Chewbacca impersonator"? I think we all know it's not the "real" Chewbacca.

How about referring to him more accurately as a "Loser in a costume"?

Isn't the guy in the Chewbacca costume trying to get in line a little early for the next "Star Wars" movie?

New Jersey schools will start testing students for alcohol, which can be detected up to three days later. Fortunately the toxic chemicals in the water supply won't interfere with the results.

The Panel on Climatic Change report says that global warming will continue for years. Yet another reason for Britney Spears to stop wearing panties.

The report says that by the year 2100 global warming could account for a million dead and hundreds of billions of dollars lost. Or was that the war in Iraq?

The Bush Administration calls for global discussion about warming. Energy Secretary Sam Bodman says the U.S. is a small contributor. People were shocked. We have an energy secretary?

Al Gore has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for his movie "An Inconvenient Truth". Of course, he will forfeit it for losing the 2000 election and allowing President Bush to take command.

Al Gore's movie "An Inconvenient Truth" is up for Best Documentary at the Oscars. It is also up for Best Song, "I Need To Wake Up" by Melissa Ethridge. She wrote it after listening to one of Gore's speeches.

A California bill will ban all incandescent light bulbs in favor of more efficient fluorescent bulbs. Incandescent bulbs utilize 5% of available energy. It's the SUV of light bulbs.

The Virginia House of Delegates has passed a resolution expressing profound regret for the slave trade. They are also working on a similar statement about George Allen.

A list of the world's most dangerous places has all locations in either Africa or the Middle East. Primarily because that is where you are most likely to be adopted by Madonna or Angelina Jolie.

The most dangerous place in the U.S. is Boston, especially if your luggage has any cartoon characters or flashing lights.

75,000 people came out in Mexico to protest the high price of tortillas. People were shocked. There are still 75,000 people who haven't sneaked across the border?

A baby born in Mexico weighs fourteen and a half pounds. He could easily sneak into the U.S. because he already looks as fat as an American.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates says the U.S. is not planning a war in Iran. That doesn't mean anything since we didn't plan the war in Iraq, either.

Personal savings are at a 73 year low in the U.S. Experts say retirement could be a problem. Of course, pretty soon most people won't have a job to retire from in the first place.

Savings haven't been this low since the Great Depression, when people needed to dip into their savings for rent and food. Now that money is needed to get a big screen HD TV for Super Sunday.

Consumer Reports says McDonald's has better coffee than Starbucks. Of course, Starbucks makes better hamburgers than McDonald's.

McDonald's coffee tasted better for a lower price. It also was much better for intentionally scalding someone.

Pepsi is announcing its new slogan, "More Happy". Maybe next time they could hire an ad agency that speaks English.

"More Happy"? How about "Happier"? Or even better, how about "Fat with rotten teeth"?

"More Happy"? Shouldn't that be the slogan used by Viagra?

In 1967, a Super Bowl TV ad cost $37,500. This year it is $2.6 million. $2.6 million for thirty seconds. That's about the same rate cost Paul McCartney ran up for his marriage to Heather Mills.

Google's profit for 2006 nearly tripled. Next year's goal is to make a google. (Look it up).

When informed of the huge profit, the founders of Google yelled "Yahoo!"

Oil company profits are up at record levels once again. Why is oil doing so well, but the products that use oil like Ford and GM going down the crapper?

A survey says that 53% of overweight women are stigmatized at work because of their weight. Of course the 47% of women who aren't overweight are sexually harassed.

A survey says that the U.S. is one of the least family oriented countries with our balance between work and family. That's because some people need two or three jobs to pay for their two or three families.

A survey says auto buyers are steering towards quality, and away from name brands. That is bad news on both counts for Ford.

Ford came in fourth place among automakers in January. At this rate, pretty soon it is going to be passed by Segway.

The FAA says it may increase the mandatory retirement age for pilots from 60 to 65. That means flight attendants will now be asking "Coffee, tea or prune juice?"

The co-pilots will have to make extra sure that when taxiing down the runway the left-turn blinker light is off.

Older pilots mean that flights will be more on time, just not always to the right city.

The government says gasoline prices have probably bottomed out. Which means Oil Company executives are getting ready to see just how much more they can get from us before we notice.

Maria Sharapova pulled out of a tournament in Japan with a hamstring injury. Apparently it was caused by having the rug pulled out from under her by Serena Williams at the Australian Open.

Pete Sampras says he could have beaten Roger Federer. Just not at tennis.

No sperm was taken from Barbara when it was destroyed. The owners are sticking to the strict racing policy that all racehorses must be conceived naturally. Fortunately that rule doesn't apply to Michael Jackson.

Bode Miller says the ski team policy of not using his own RV has made him sick. Apparently he is used to just reaching for a hair of the dog from his bedside cooler every morning.

West Virginia is using the video game "Dance Dance Revolution" to help kids lose weight in school. Apparently it takes all their quarters so they have nothing left to spend in the junk food vending machines.

81% of consumers say that models and celebrities are too thin. Of course, if they were fat they wouldn't be models or celebrities.

A study says the fertility cycle impacts the female brain. Of course, this was actually first discovered 5,000 years ago. By husbands.

Obviously this research shows that the researchers must have all been single men.

Oils in bath products may enlarge boys' breasts. You thought it was hard to get boys in the bathtub before...

Notice that it says they enlarge boys' breasts. What are boys doing with breasts in the first place? Is that how fat we're getting? It's just accepted that boys have breasts.

An Australian psychiatrist is accused of making a woman patient wear a dog collar. It's not known if the treatment worked, but she now heels and fetches on command.

Scientists say they have figured out the origins of the smell of the sea. Now they are working on the origins of the smell of New Jersey.

20 million Mexicans are expected to watch the Super Bowl. 20 million others know that is the best time to sneak into the U.S. as the border guards watch the game.

The NFL is stopping churches from holding Super Bowl get togethers. Is church really a good place to watch the Super Bowl? How many sins are broken during the game...Gambling, gluttony, swearing, lust for the cheerleaders...

Hillary Clinton promises to end the war if she is elected president. Apparently she and Bill have agreed to sign a truce.

A Mexican cabbie claims to be the world's champion chili eater. He figures he may as well make money at it since he can't seem to find fares anymore.

President Bush has declared four Florida counties disaster areas from tornadoes. This is the biggest disaster in Florida that wasn't caused by a hurricane or an election.

Researchers say skin cancer is linked to frequent driving. Exposed areas of skin are most susceptible. That means New Yorkers should make sure to cover up their middle fingers.

Erectile Dysfunction affects 18% of all U.S. men. That means they must come up with other ways to constantly annoy the women around them.

Whitney Houston wants a fast divorce from Bobby Brown. She claims no common property dispute. Mostly because everything they made while married is up one nose or the other.

That's it for now, oh faithful readers! I bet $100 before the season that the Raiders would win the Super Bowl. Well actually, I bought $100 in Ford stock. Same difference. I don't care what you win or lose on the game, just remember to send the love...


















No comments: