Sunday, January 21, 2007

Greetings, Oh faithful readers...Just got back from San Antonio...That Alamo is impressive. Rented a Chrysler for a whole week for 200 bucks...

72 Year old James Hylton says he will try to qualify for the Daytona 500 this year. Race experts say he could post a qualifying speed of as much as 42 miles an hour.

The other drivers are already complaining about being distracted by his constantly blinking left turn signal.

Hylton is serious. He has been seen recently taking warm up laps around the parking lot at Carrow's.

Hylton was the 1966 NASCAR Rookie of the Year. He won't have a pit crew. If he has any problems he will just use the senior discount on his Triple A card.

Miss New Jersey has turned in her tiara after becoming pregnant. She really did her best to promote world peace.

Lindsay Lohan has checked into rehab for alcohol dependency. She is asking the public to respect her privacy. Since when has she done anything privately?

Her family had to perform an intervention. Apparently she was going to try to drive to the rehab clinic herself.

The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists has reset the hands on the Doomsday Clock to five minutes before midnight. Which means come next Daylight Saving Time, we are screwed.

In 1947 the clock was set to 11:53, and more than 60 years later it is at 11:55. Time only moves slower when waiting at the DMV.

The National Weather Service will issue warnings not to counties, but landmarks that are familiar to people. That pretty much leaves out any library locations.

The new system will now allow the Weather Service to issue Tornado Warnings to specific trailer parks.

The next commissioned U.S. aircraft carrier will be named for President Gerald Ford. In honor of the former President, there will be only escalators, no stairs.

Jury selection is underway for the trial of "Scooter" Libby. Dick Cheney may testify for the defense. Apparently they couldn't get Hugo Chavez.

When Dick Cheney is the best witness you can get on your side, the only defense strategy left is jury tampering.

A Navy psychologist says the military needs more mental health workers. Mostly to treat the people who came up with the idea for invading Iraq.

Nationwide Insurance is using Kevin Federline in a Super Bowl commercial. In the spot, he ends up working in a fast food restaurant. In other words, it's reality TV.

Golfer Phil Mickelson says he has lost 25 pounds and replaced it with 15 pounds of muscle. Which is another way of saying he lost 10 pounds.

Mickelson says he lost the weight through a routine using martial arts. Apparently he realizes the only way he will ever become number one is to beat up Tiger Woods.

I'm waiting for him to line up the winning putt at a major tournament using that bird stance from "The Karate Kid".

A skull found in Romania suggests modern humans interbred with Neanderthals thousands of years ago. Scientists could have come to that same conclusion years ago just by watching the "Rocky" movies.

"American Idol" started its 6th season with 37 million viewers. The other 263 million Americans were busy trying out for the show.

Liza Minnelli and David Gest have ended their lawsuits and are getting divorced. It's good to see they finally settled their differences so they can finally go through with the divorce.

The Pentagon has come up with a manual for terrorist trials that says the military can use hearsay and coerced testimony to obtain convictions. The military says if it's good enough for parents, it's good enough for them.

The movie rating system is being overhauled. The only obscenity they should be warning the public about is the price of admission.

A California bill would outlaw spanking for children three and under. Some kids are going to be in for a real nightmare at their fourth birthday party.

U.S. oil demand dropped slightly in 2006. The only demand still up is the one for an investigation of the oil companies' price gouging.

Starbucks may have to close a store on the Forbidden City Palace grounds in Beijing. Apparently they're looking to move it to either the Vatican or the Ancient Pyramids in Egypt.

China's foreign exchange reserves have passed $1 trillion. It amounts to an entire building full of Wal-Mart gift cards.

Former American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson has signed a contract with NASCAR. Everyone is just happy they didn't make the deal with Lindsay Lohan.

Major League Baseball says it won't crack down on the use of amphetamines by players. Instead, the league will continue its policy of ignoring all drug abuse.

The White House Correspondents dinner in April will feature a performance by impressionist Rich Little. Apparently they want to avoid the embarrassment of last years roast by Stephen Colbert by hiring someone whose routine is based on the Nixon Administration.

Palm Beach has voted to fine Donald Trump $1250 a day for flying a flag that they consider too large. They are also tacking on an extra $250 for the large comb over.

It's actually not a flag. It's a large banner with a target over the face of Rosie O'Donnell.

A New York couple is divorcing, but neither one wants to give up their house, so they built a wall down the middle. They would have tried it earlier, but Bill Clinton says by law they couldn't alter the White House.

Former Vice President Walter Mondale is criticizing current Vice President Dick Cheney. When the Carter Administration starts attacking you publicly, you know you are on thin ice.

A retired French professor in Colorado mailed dog droppings in a political mailer to her congresswoman to protest excessive campaign mailings. The question is, what was the difference?

A Michigan court says adulterers could be sent to prison for life under state law. Fortunately California has the "25 strikes and you're out" provision.

A California man was injured when a fire started in his pants, possibly from his cell phone. Just what setting of "vibration" did he have it on?

A North Dakota legislator wants to do away with the state's anti-cohabitation law. Even a North Dakota woman can look good on a cold enough winter night.

The DEA raided several medical marijuana clinics in Los Angeles. The raids put three Mrs. Fields Cookies stores out of business that day.

The House of Representatives has overhauled the board that supervises congressional pages. Or as the Republicans knew it, eHarmony-on-the-Hill.

McDonald has opened its first drive-thru in China. Only there, Ronald McDonald interrogates you for an hour then detains you until your order is ready.

Oprah Winfrey has been named the richest woman in show business. Martha Stewart came in second, since her entire yearly income in 2004 was paid in candy bars and cigarettes.

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson says he will launch a presidential bid. The only problem is that people confuse New Mexico with California, which has become the New Mexico.

A Cambodian woman has emerged from the jungle after 20 years, lost when she was just eight. Her first words were "Why couldn't Buckner just pick up the ball?!"

90 million Chinese have grown up as only children because of the national "one child" policy. This has spawned a much more creative generation that can't just blame everything on their little brother.

A Canadian woman, the oldest in the world at 115 years of age died in her sleep. How else would you go at that age?

Mark Morris, Jr., the veterinarian who invented Science Diet pet food that fed millions of dogs and cats has died. He will now spend the next several years feeding worms.

Britney Spears was reportedly seeing model Isaac Cohen. Coincidentally she just divorced Kevin Federline who also did some modeling. Furniture modeling.

Upon hearing this, Federline demanded "What's he got that I don't? I mean besides a job?"

Britney Spears is rumored to be pregnant again. That Federline is amazing. She threw him out of the house months ago and he still knocked her up.

Britney Spears is rumored to be pregnant. Her kids were seen driving her to an OB-GYN.

Britney Spears is rumored to be pregnant again. Why else would she pass out on New Year's Eve after only drinking four or five shots?

Fox is announcing a new game show, "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?" If you are watching Fox, the answer is pretty obvious.

A judge in L.A. has told O.J. Simpson to quit spending royalty money from his book "If I Did It" until a hearing can be held. Oh, yeah, and not to kill any more people.

A Spanish fashion designer used African immigrants for models at a fashion show to draw attention to their plight. That, and they were already pretty skinny.

A study says male drivers have a 77% higher chance of dying in a car accident than women. Especially if they are out driving in the same area as Lindsay Lohan.

Traffic statistics say the safest month for driving is February. There are fewer accidents in that month. Could that be because it's only 28 days long?

The least safe month is October. Apparently from all those people driving around with their Halloween masks on.

Evangelicals and scientists are joining forces against global warming. Evangelicals say God will punish people for destroying the creation. So that means if we let it get warm now, it will really get hot later.

A Rhode Island high school must publish a year book photo of a student modeling with a sword. The student sued the school after they first denied the request. Is that his priority? Why didn't they just take a picture of what he'll look like in two years, holding a broom?

A man is looking for sponsorship of a $2 million Super Bowl ad where he proposes to his girlfriend. He had better hope his girlfriend is watching, otherwise he will be asking for the hand of 90 million guys.

Monica Lewinsky is looking for work in England after earning her Master's degree. She has several interviews already lined up under some of the most important desks in Britain.

A study shows that winning the Nobel Prize adds two years to the life of the winners. But the geeks who win still can't score with anyone but their research assistants.

A panda in Thailand has gotten too fat to have sex with his mate. How the heck can you get overweight on a bamboo diet?

An Illinois woman went into induced labor so the baby would be born in time to let her husband go to the Chicago Bears football game. If that didn't work they were just going to hook up a couple stirrups to the back of a station wagon at the tailgate party.

The owner of the Kansas City Royals says the team will be competitive in 2007. They have lost 100 or more games in four of the last five years. What, are they going to take up curling?

U.S. weightlifter Josh Moreau tested positive for marijuana. He was suspected when he started giggling uncontrollably anytime someone mentioned "clean and jerk" or "snatch".

That's it for now, oh faithful readers! Remember how it works...I write the jokes, Barry writes the songs, you send the love...

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