Sunday, January 14, 2007

Greetings, Oh faithful readers...I'm writing this from Texas...where everything used to be bigger...Now all Americans are defintely bigger...

I'm in San Antonio this week...Home of the Alamo. If I remember my high school Spanish correctly, Alamo translates to "I love...Al".

Iwao Takamoto, the man who created "Scooby Doo" has died. The cause of death was listed as "Reart Railure".

More than 42 million Americans watched President Bush's speech on Iraq last week. Research shows that most Americans have learned to turn off the sound and read along with the closed captioning during his speeches.

Unemployment claims are down to a six month low. Apparently all those Republicans who got kicked out of congress have already landed jobs as lobbyists.

The price of oil has dropped to around $52 a barrel. That pretty much means Iran gets at least a temporary reprieve from an invasion.

Before the price came down President Bush was prepared to send another twenty thousand geologists to the Middle East.

Wii outsold the PS3 in December by a 600 thousand to 500 thousand margin. That means in another couple of years we will have a million more fat, lazy teenagers.

It's amazing that during the Christmas rush more than a million PS3 and Wii sets sold. Even more amazing is that there were only 3,200 shoppers who were injured trying to buy them.

Soccer star David Beckham is coming to Los Angeles to play for the Galaxy. L.A. already has a team that can't use its hands and rarely scores. The Dodgers.

An L.A. man is suing California because he wants to take his wife's last name but it costs money. No one is sure why he wants to become Kevin Spears at this point anyway.

A new machine can detect explosives in shoes without having the wearer remove them. Forget that. How about breathalyzers for the pilots?

The U.S. reported a budget surplus for the month of December. Apparently it was from all those generals buying each other weapons systems for Christmas.

China will continue its one child per couple policy. Apparently they saw what happened when Britney Spears had her second kid.

A syphilis epidemic is plaguing China. They're even forty years behind the rest of the world when it comes to sex.

Two English brothers were charged with overfeeding their dog, ballooning their pet Lab up to 150 pounds. It got so bad they would tell the dog to roll over, and had no idea whether it did or not.

The Eiffel Tower had a record 6.7 million visitors in 2006. The most common complaint about the landmark: Too many French people.

Barbara Boxer was criticized for seemingly making an issue that Condoleeza Rice has no children and doesn't understand war because of it. Boxer says she was misunderstood, and promised not to use John Kerry's speech writers anymore.

Condoleeza Rice says that single people can understand war. Hillary Clinton disagrees, saying she never wanted to kill a man until she got married.

Country singer Stonewall Jackson is suing the Grand Ole Opry for age discrimination, saying that he doesn't get to perform there any more because he is 74 years old. The Opry points out that he is the youngest person to perform there in years.

Gail Kimbell is the new chief of the U.S. Forest Service. Under the Bush Administration, that is one position that is bent on making itself obsolete.

President Ford characterized President Carter's administration as a "disaster". He declined to comment on President George W. Bush saying they had too much in common. Both followed Presidents that were impeached or nearly impeached, and neither one was ever really elected.

The French are renting out thee name of the Louvre to an art museum in Abu Dhabi for nearly a billion dollars. That means you should expect to see "Louvre Stadium" on some arena in America in the next couple of years.

Morocco has banned newspapers from printing jokes about politics, religion or sex. When President Bush heard the news, he said "You can do that?"

No jokes about politics, religion or sex? That would pretty much end late night television in America.

What else is there to joke about? You could even get rid of the politics and religion. But sex? That would end comedy in this country altogether.

Pentagon official Charles Stimson has asked corporations not to do business with law firms who represent prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. The only problem is, most those lawyers are also representing executives of those same corporations.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is proposing universal health care for everyone in the state, including illegal aliens. The illegals are against it, saying "Why buy it when we get it free already?"

The illegal aliens don't really need it, since they are in such great shape from repeatedly running cross the border.

The health care package would be paid for by hospitals and doctors. Why punish them? Why not make the people responsible for bad health pick up the tab. Call it the "McDonald's Tax".

The irony is the biggest health risk in the state is Arnold. He's had heart surgery, a serious motorcycle accident and a compound leg fracture from skiing.

Ford is planning to return to profitability ahead of schedule after closing plants and cutting jobs. The company now says they have moved the time line from "never" to "perhaps some day".

Disney CEO Robert Iger received a salary of $17 million last year, plus nearly $600 thousand for security. What security does he need? Aside from keeping Michael Eisner from sneaking on the grounds and stealing Disney coffee mugs...

Oil companies are attacking Congress' plan to cut tax incentives. They are already lamenting the good old days when things got taken care of the way our forefathers intended. With bribes.

A California woman died after a water drinking contest sponsored by a local radio station in . Apparently she was accidentally given tap water instead of bottled, and her system went into shock.

A Tennessee legislator want "Girls Gone Wild" commercials banned from TV. He wants them replaced with "Cousins Gone Wild" commercials instead.

Canada has unveiled its new border security plan. With President Bush saying he wants twenty thousand more troops in Iraq, they're expecting a lot of Americans to be sneaking into Canada.

An Air Force sergeant in Texas is in trouble for posing for Playboy magazine. Her excuse is that the military never provided her with the necessary body armor.

A bill has been introduced to cut global warming gases in the U.S. Apparently it involves giving congress more time away from the debate floor.

A Texas pizza chain is accepting Mexican pesos. Just how unstable has the dollar gotten with our deficit spending?

Al Sharpton says he may run for president. It all depends on whether he can beat any other candidate. Meaning he'll declare his candidacy right after Dennis Kucinich.

California is no longer the sixth biggest economy in the world, slipping to eighth place amongst all countries. Apparently Mexico has passed us with the wages of the illegal immigrants, and Canada with all their prescription income.

The Pentagon is asking for 92 thousand more troops over the next five years. Apparently they are planning for the republicans to take congress back in '08 or '10.

Former congressman Bob Ney wants to undergo alcoholism treatment while in prison. Why couldn't he just learn to live with his problem while in congress, like Ted Kennedy?

The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists will move the hands on the Doomsday Clock, now set at seven minutes before midnight. That signals just how close we are to nuclear war. With President Bush and Iran going toe to toe, the hands should probably be set at about ten after two.

Prince Harry is in his final training for deployment to Iraq. Apparently he will be kept out of any situations that will jeopardize his comrades, like being deployed to Iraq.

The much hyped playoff game between Baltimore and Indianapolis with two star quarterbacks yielded no touchdowns and seven field goals. That meant the game's highest drama was during the opening coin toss.

China will have 30 million more men than women of marrying age in the next fifteen years. That means single Chinese women will be eating a lot of lobster on dates.

30 million more men than women in China in 15 years. That means even Rosie O'Donnell could be the object of a bar fight.

The TSA may start putting ads on those security shoe trays at airports. How about some subliminal ads for Odor Eaters?

What a double insult. First they make you strip half naked, then they want to subject you to more advertising.

An airline trade group says passenger and cargo carriers will make $4 billion in 2007. Although if you have flown anywhere lately, it's hard to tell the difference anymore.

New York Giant Michael Strahan must pay more than half his net worth to his wife as part of their divorce. That has to go down as the worst prenuptial agreement in history.

For the first time in history, no American women were seeded at the Australian Open tennis championships. Which basically means that the Williams sisters aren't playing.

Unusually warm weather is being blamed for ruining the European ski season. The main problem is that there is no way to keep Bode Miller's beer cold.

Stone tools discovered in Minnesota are believed to be nearly fourteen thousand years old. But true to the guarantee, Sears Craftsman exchanged them for new tools.

Apparently things haven't changed much since then. The tools consisted of a pair of pliers and a bottle opener.

A skull and artifacts found in Europe have been used to trace early migration patterns. Modern migration patterns are determined by wire cutters and rafts.

A new Paula Abdul interview shows her slurring her words. Which means she is in mid season form for "American Idol".

Toni Braxton is suing her former manager for $10 million. Hollywood is shocked. What did Toni Braxton do to ever make $10 million?

Britney Spears and Paris Hilton tied for first on Mr. Blackwell's list of worst dressed celebrities. People were stunned. Paris and Britney wear clothes?

Camilla Parker Bowles came in second on the list. Apparently she was wearing last year's saddle.

Britney Spears was photographed driving a Hyundai in Hollywood. Apparently that means she may be getting back with Kevin Federline.

Paris Hilton reportedly ran out of gas in her Bentley three times in one night. She couldn't understand what the problem was, since it was on "E" for "Enough".

It's not a surprise. She was also in charge of feeding Nicole Richey.

The dethroned Miss Nevada has been given a job hosting a Las Vegas review for $2 million. With the ratings for "The View" skyrocketing, maybe it's not a bad idea to get on Donald Trump's bad side.

A study shows that obesity operations in the U.S. are soaring. Apparently it's a quick fix to make room so people can eat even more.

The new food pyramid is headed to supermarkets after two years of designing. It reportedly is something that most Americans can relate to. Biggest on the bottom.

A new book claims that sexiness is based on symmetry. Americans are becoming more symmetrical all the time. Fat everywhere.

A study shows that people who go to college may actually have a faster mental decline in later years. Mostly in people who went to schools with a tradition of tailgating.

A study says that heartburn drugs are tied to hip fractures. Apparently people lose the heartburn, eat more and get too fat to be supported by their bones.

A study says that obese men are more likely to die from prostate cancer. How fat are we getting that doctors can't even find their way around to do a prostate exam?

Dr. Robert Jarvik has donated the artificial heart used on Barney Clark to the Smithsonian Institution. Apparently they are just holding it until Dick Cheney needs to bring it out of retirement.

An Illinois man set a world's record by riding a stationary bike for 85 hours. He says he knows what it's like to be Lance Armstrong, only without being spit on.

The man says he feels like he just finished a four day long prostate exam.

California Congressman John Doolittle says he won't have his wife be his campaign fundraiser anymore, a position that netted his household 15% of all donations. He says he is working on a way to get that other 85%.

Vice President Dick Cheney says "Scooter" Libby is one of the most honest men he knows. Which isn't hard to believe, seeing as how he mostly knows oil executives, members of the Bush Administration and congressmen.

Canadian scientists say that bilingualism delays dementia. If that's true, then why are all those Canadians who speak french and English always saying "Eh?"

The U.S. government is warning of Canadian coins that have tiny transmitters that can track peoples' movement. They were first tipped off by discovering coins that featured the Queen wearing a pair of headphones.

Producer ken Burns has signed a "lifetime" contract with PBS. The contract goes for fifteen years. Burns is 53 now. Which means PBS expects him to be dead at 68.

A study says the nation's cost of arthritis is $128 Billion a year, and climbing. The biggest expense is the complete inability of any arthritis sufferers to utilize their "Clappers".

That's it for now, Oh faithful readers...Remember, these jokes are coming to you from Texas, which is so big, you may have to allow for some extra time to send the love...

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