Sunday, December 24, 2006

Greetings, Oh faithful readers...Santa Claus is set to fly tonight, otherwise known as yet another HSD security breach...

New York City school students will get credit towards graduation for just showing up each day. If it works they might try a similar incentive plan for congress.

One in three fast food customers say they will eat less often at Taco Bell due to the e. coli scare. After finding out the source was lettuce, they are vowing to eat only at places that offer absolutely no vegetables.

A poll says that belief in Santa Claus is still strong. 86% of adults believed in Santa Claus as a child. As adults, more people still believe in Santa than believe there were WMD in Iraq.

Yale University is requiring its MBA students study abroad before graduating. This is so they can see which countries would be the best place to outsource any jobs that are left.

Graduate students will be able to case out which countries don't have extradition treaties with the U.S. for when they have to flee the country.

Miss Nevada is asking Donald Trump for another chance after her title was taken away when raunchy photos showed up on the Internet. Trump will forgive her, if only to send Rosie O'Donnell into another rage.

Denver International Airport has reopened after being closed two days. Travelers didn't seem to notice. They thought they were just still standing in a security line.

Unfortunately, travelers already spent their entire vacation funds on buying an extra couple of meals at the airport restaurants.

A poll shows that people prefer a traditional Christmas over a trendy one. Which means going heavily into debt while shopping and overeating and drinking through the New Year.

A study shows that Arizona is the fastest growing state in the U.S. The reasons are a warm climate, booming economy and plenty of holes in the border fence.

SMU is said to be the top choice for the location of the George W. Bush Presidential Library. It will house millions of documents about his years in the White House, specifically about the war in Iraq. Or as democrats call it, evidence.

A bill in Texas would require access to employee only restrooms for people with pressing medical conditions. These would include being pregnant, or just having eaten at Taco Bell.

The U.N. has condemned attacks on journalists during armed conflicts. To which President Bush agreed, saying they should be attacked during peace time, too.

The GOP is reportedly angry at the campaign committee run by Elizabeth Dole for losing so many congressional seats. Apparently she wasn't able to draw enough attention to illegal immigrants from the budget deficit, Iraq and President Bush.

"Stay the course" has been chosen the top catch phrase of the year by the Global Language Monitor. Coming up at the bottom of the list was "Vote Republican".

Drunk driving deaths declined across the country last year. Apparently even drunks weren't willing to pay $3 a gallon for gas.

An appeals court has overturned the Bush Administration's strategy for reducing smog. This caught the administration off guard, as they had no idea they even had one.

The IRS is giving advice to people concerning the latest tax breaks passed by congress. They just tell people if they aren't making at least $200,000 a year, never mind.

Jessica Simpson has pulled out of a tribute to Dolly Parton after messing up the song "9 To 5" twice. It was determined there was no better tribute to Parton than to leave Simpson out of it.

Teen drug use has reportedly dropped across the country. Except apparently for beauty pageant contestants.

Apparently there is a lot less teen underwear use these days as well.

Teens that are using drugs are now using legal drugs more often. Why buy from a stranger when there is a full supply right in your parents' medicine chest?

Narcotics agents are reporting a new hybrid marijuana plant in Mexico that grows year round. This means there could be migrant farm workers heading south across the border for a change.

The New York Yankees were slapped with a $26 million luxury tax. Apparently that is based on Alex Rodriguez' huge salary that has been found to be completely nonessential to the team.

The question is, how much are the San Francisco Giants going to have to pay in luxury taxes just on Barry Bonds' jewelry?

President Bush has ended the year by granting sixteen pardons. Not only that, but three of the former convicts also got the Medal of Freedom.

Denver's airport was closed two days due to snow. More than two feet in the Mile High City. The words "Mile high" and "snow" haven't been used together since last week's stories about Nicole Richie and Miss USA.

A Wisconsin employer gave his employees huge bonuses, as much as $40,000. Or as the auto industry has been calling year end bonuses, "severance pay".

The Pentagon is asking for an additional $100 Billion for the war in Iraq. Well, nobody is asking what happened to the other $400 Billion...

A report says poor students are being shortchanged by state and federal school aid policies. But since the students can't read, they'll never know what's in the report anyway.

The school district in Santa Ana, California is giving a longer Christmas school break to the 92% Hispanic student body. Apparently it takes them a few extra days to sneak back in across the border when classes start again.

A 100 year old man was awarded his degree from Baylor University, after leaving the school in 1929 one unit short. Apparently he needs the degree to go to work to cover his increased Medicare expenses.

Knicks guard Steve Francis says the media focuses on the NBA for negative reports because there are more blacks playing the sport. It could also be because the sport is in season now.

Fortunately for Francis, not a lot of attention is focused on him since he is on the Knicks.

Macy's has pulled a jackets made by Sean John off the shelf after learning they are made with dog fur. Sean John is the line of clothes started by the former Puff Daddy, now known as "Pup Daddy".

They suspected the jackets were made of dog fur because the sleeve kept lifting up every time it got near a tree.

A study says the average commute time for U.S. workers is 25.5 minutes. The average would even be higher except for so many people without jobs being off the highways.

The worst traffic was reported in Los Angeles, where people are stuck in traffic an extra 93 hours a year. That actually saves a lot of lives as people can do all their chores like putting on makeup and eating their breakfast while they aren't going 70 mph.

93 hours is almost three days stuck in traffic. No wonder people shoot each other on the freeways. You get irritable being around anyone for that long.

A study says that shoppers are getting angrier. I wonder if it could have to do anything with stores making people wait three days in line to fight over two PS3s?

Toyota is set to overtake GM as the top auto manufacturer in 2007, expecting to make nearly 10 million vehicles. What makes it worse for GM, Toyota actually sells some of their cars.

Ford will become the #3 U.S. automaker in 2007, losing the #2 position they have held since the 1920s. Coincidentally, that was the last time Ford produced a quality car.

While Ford may drop to #3 next year, their cars will still be described as #2.

Buick will sell more cars in China than in the U.S. in 2007. That's because more people in China actually have jobs.

Buick will sell more cars in China than in the U.S. I had no idea there were that many old people in China.

China has fined a low cost airline for selling tickets on a flight for thirteen cents. We can't even get free peanuts on flights in the U.S.

Chinese passengers were able to get tickets for thirteen cents on a flight. Of course, obese people were mad about having to pay twenty six cents for two seats.

E Bay is partnering with a Chinese web company. That means people will be able to buy cheap Chinese crap without having to go to Wal-Mart.

The Netherlands company that owns Nielsen TV ratings is cutting four thousand jobs. That's good news for Nielsen. Even more people sitting around watching TV all day.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger broke his leg skiing in Idaho. Even Bode Miller was asking what was he drinking?

Detroit Lions fans are planning to walk out during Sunday's game to protest the team's terrible record. They are planning to leave with 8:57 left in the second quarter. That way they will still be able to see the other team score several times.

Other fans are protesting leaving during the second quarter. That's barely enough time to get drunk at the game.

The fans are leafing with 8:57 left in the second quarter. That is the point when most games are determined to be mathematically impossible to win by the Lions.

The world's oldest hickey stick was sold for $2.2 million. It still has Gordie Howe's autograph on it.

The world's oldest hockey stick just sold for $2.2 million. It comes with the owner's bloodied jersey and three of his teeth.

Mel Gibson says his tirade was a gift that made him focus on things he had to address. Of course, an even bigger gift was Michael Richards' tirade that made people forget about Gibson's.

Donald Trump is suing Palm Beach for $10 million for citing him for flying an over sized American flag at his country club. He says it reflects the size of his patriotism. Although it pales in comparison with the size of his ego.

While they were at it, the city of Palm Beach also fined Trump for his over sized comb over.

Trump says the size of the flag represents the size of his patriotism. He considers himself a wartime CEO against Rosie O'Donnell.

Things are really getting ugly between Trump and Rosie O'Donnell. I'm not talking about their fight. No, between Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell, things are just ugly.

Britney Spears reportedly has a new tattoo. It's the most unsightly blemish on her arm since Kevin Federline.

If it is another guy's name, it would be the most disastrous ink for Kevin Federline since their prenuptial agreement.

A study says more than 90% of Americans have sex before marriage. The rest are spending their date money buying Star Wars memorabilia.

A study says sex habits have not changed from generation to generation, meaning your grandmother probably had premarital sex. Just thinking about that is enough to get young people to abstain.

The CDC says the measles outbreak of 2005 can be traced back to one girl. That means authorities are watching Paris Hilton very carefully to try to avoid a Chlamydia pandemic.

Britney Spears was voted the worst celebrity dog owner. Fortunately, she has been able to have much more success as a wife and mother.

Apparently, dog lovers didn't like the way Britney abandoned her dogs. Her dogs? How about the way she abandoned her panties?

Mike Schmidt says the baseball Hall of Fame needs to widen its doors. It will have to, if they ever elect Barry Bonds and expect his head to get inside.

A Chicago man has been arrested for stealing the identities of 90 Major League players. None of the stolen IDs belonged to any Cubs players. The man said posing as a Cub would be too embarrassing.

The Chicago Bulls say Martynas Andriuskevicius suffered a skull fracture after being hit by a teammate. They know he will have recovered when he can spell his name.

Michelle Wie has been accepted to Stanford. Apparently she turned pro and signed millions of dollars worth of endorsements so she could afford the tuition.

She has already announced plans to join the football team.

She says she wants to show Tiger Woods that it is still not too late for him to go back to school and get that degree.

Ernie Els says he has a three year plan to catch Tiger Woods and become the world's number one golfer. The plan for each of those years is to get Tiger to retire.

President Bush has signed a law giving $38 million in grants to preserve the WWII Japanese-American internment camps. Bush says you never know when you are going to have to imprison another group of Americans.

President Bush was glad to hear there were internment camps. He says it's great to have a camp for the interns.

The Salvation Army reports a drop of 11% in donations this year. Apparently people already feel the $400 Billion they have given to the U.S. Army is enough for now.

A study says lifestyle may alter testosterone levels in men. It's pretty much a proven fact that testosterone pretty much disappears in men after marriage.

A study says that optimists live longer than pessimists. It just seems like life is a lot longer when you're a pessimist.

When told that being a pessimist could take years off your life, everyone questioned agreed the study was good, and everything was just great.

A British doctor says that mistletoe does not fight cancer. However, depending where it is hung, it can result in spreading Herpes.

Emirates Airlines says it will soon allow passengers to talk on cell phones during flights. The thinking is that between people on cell phones and crying babies, even terrorists will be too annoyed to fly any more.

Sylvester Stallone's new movie "Rocky Balboa" debuted in third place at the box office. Not to say that Rocky is getting old, but even Muhammad Ali kept asking "What's he saying?"

In the latest movie, Rocky climbs the steps to the Philadelphia Museum of Art because his AARP card gives him a discount to get inside.

At his age, Rocky has to stay away from eggs because of the cholesterol. Instead, for his training montage he gulps down several prunes and a bran muffin.

That's it for now, oh faithful readers...That is my Christmas present to you. That ranks right down around Frankincense and Myrrh for crappy gifts. You can always just regift the love...

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