Sunday, December 10, 2006

Greetings, Oh faithful readers...Sad news...Congress has just adjourned...There goes half my material...

Statistics say only 8% of the U.S. population is old enough to remember Pearl Harbor. Unfortunately, the other 92% can't figure out that they can read all about it by picking up a book.

Unfortunately for President Bush, 99% of the population knows about the war in Iraq.

House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer says the new congress will have to work five days a week. Is that a good thing? Look how much we're in debt with them only working three days a week.

The current congress was only working three days a week. People were shocked to find that out. They work that much?

Congressmen have an excuse for only working a three day week. It takes time to collect bribes, go on corporate junkets and hold fundraisers.

Congress worked only 103 days last year. Even the Pittsburgh Pirates showed up more often than that.

One republican congressman says by making congress work more days, it keeps them away from home and shows that democrats don't care about families. Speaking out in favor of keeping members of congress away from home more was former President Clinton.

Pediatricians are worried that children as young as five years old are playing tackle football. Doctors are advising that the children watch Raiders videos to learn how to avoid physical contact.

A study shows there are fewer inmates on death row than there were last year. There hasn't been this big of a drop in death row inmates since George W. Bush was Governor of Texas.

A law in Washington State says government workers must use everyday language when talking to the public. The only problem is that now they can't be understood by federal government workers.

San Francisco is trying to clean up some of its seedier neighborhoods. Opponents say it has always been the nature of the city to shelter the downtrodden. Look how long they have given sanctuary to the 49ers.

Georgia is erasing nearly five hundred communities from its official map to save space and confusion. But so far, they have been unsuccessful in their efforts to erase Alabama from being next to them on the national map.

A study says 9% of Americans expect a clear cut victory in Iraq. Even Donald Rumsfeld wants to know who these idiots are.

9% of Americans think there is a chance for victory in Iraq. There are more people who think the Raiders can win the Super Bowl.

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin is urging the Bush administration to speed up aid for victims of Hurricane Katrina. The problem is the money originates in congress, goes through FEMA and is delivered by the Post Office.

The House Ethics Committee says GOP lawmakers broke no rules in dealing with the Mark Foley scandal. People are shocked. The House has rules?

Upon hearing this, O.J. Simpson announced his intentions to run for congress.

The leading killer in Finland is alcohol. Mostly because when people get drunk in the winter, there is no sun so they can't find their keys and freeze to death outside.

Republican Senator Sam Brownback from Kansas spent a night in prison to send a message to prisoners. Of course, most of the prisoners were his old buddies from congress.

Democrats say they will block a $3,300 pay raise that congress is scheduled to get next year. They figure the new tax breaks for the rich along with lobbyist payoffs will more than offset the loss.

A study shows there are more poor people in the suburbs than in cities. Of course, before the Bush Administration those poor people in the suburbs were middle class.

Republican Senator Gordon Smith from Oregon says the war in Iraq may be criminal. A spokesperson says he didn't mean criminal in the legal sense. Apparently he meant criminal in the government sense.

There is a new trend among teenagers to wear pajamas to school. This saves a lot of time for teachers who are sleeping with their students.

A human rights group says China has the most jailed journalists. President Bush was upset at hearing this. How could he let them get ahead of us?

The "Today" show has been the number one morning program for eleven straight years. This despite several losses. They lost Katie Couric, half of Al Roker and all of Matt Lauer's hair.

New England quarterback Tom Brady is suing Yahoo for using his image to advertise fantasy football. For most men, fantasy football has nothing to do with Tom Brady, and everything to do with the Lingerie Bowl.

The Iraq Study Group Report book has become a best seller. It's subtitle is "The Never Ending Story".

The movie rights have already been sold to Irwin Allen as the next big disaster film.

Wesley Snipes is out on $1 million bail after being jailed for collecting $12 million in fraudulent refunds from the IRS. How did he get the IRS to give him $12 million he didn't deserve, and I get audited for trying to get a $300 refund?

A New Jersey company has come up with the first chewable birth control pill. How young are girls having sex these days?

A study says that teenage girls who weigh themselves more often tend to resort to unhealthy dieting. Especially the ones who weight themselves on truck scales.

A study says that restaurant portions have gotten larger over the past twenty years. The amount is in direct proportion to how much they have also had to widen their doorways over that same time.

New York City is banning artificial trans fats at restaurants. That means they can now use only natural trans fats.

New York City restaurants will also have to post calorie totals for their meals. If you can survive the air quality, cab rides and street crime in New York City, do a few extra calories really make a difference?

A study at Los Alamos says that bees can be used to find explosives. The only problem is keeping those explosives out of the hands of those Africanized Killer Bees.

Prince Charles says that to send a proper message to the people, he will now fly commercial instead of private jets. Of course, for security that means all other passengers will be asked to take another flight.

Prince Charles will also have his cars converted to biodiesel, use electricity from renewable resources, and feed Camilla only organically grown oats.

The Alps are warmer than they have been in the past 1,300 years. It's so warm that the only people wearing lederhosen these days are yodelers and alpine horn blowers who have outed themselves.

Donald Rumsfeld is facing a personal suit that claims he is responsible for torturing accused terrorists. Unfortunately for the prosecution, three of the four plaintiffs drowned during their deposition.

The Seminole Tribe has bought the Hard Rock Cafe. This lets the Indians who sold Manhattan for $24 off the hook for making the dumbest business deal in history.

The Seminole buyers apparently thought it was historical. It had to be pointed out that those weren't peace pipes on display. They were Keith Richards' bongs.

A South Carolina woman had her son arrested for playing with his presents before Christmas. What's next? Serving time for not making your bed?

It sounds like this woman needs to maybe hide the toys a little better next year.

A woman on an American Airlines flight was taken off the plane for lighting matches to cover the smell of her flatulence. Flight attendants were just afraid the flames would get too close to the cockpit and ignite the breath of the pilots.

Donald Rumsfeld made a secret farewell trip to Iraq. Apparently he finally came up with an exit strategy.

Several Chinese suppliers to Wal-Mart are being accused of paying low wages and not offering their employees health insurance. Wal-Mart was shocked. They can't believe someone would steal their business plan.

Authorities now say that tests prove Princess Diana's driver was drunk the night of their fatal car wreck. Apparently police are using the FEMA approved DUI kit.

A Wisconsin man retired his Saab car after reaching a million miles in seventeen years. Apparently he just realized that he didn't need to take it all the way to Sweden to have work done on it.

Upon hearing that a man drove a Saab a million miles, people were shocked. Who can afford gas to drive that far?

Of course, half the miles he drove were a result of sliding around on Wisconsin ice.

A British bank says the cost of living is going up, while the cost of having fun is going down. Of course, the more fun you have, the less you have to worry about living that long anyway.

British researchers say the accent of Queen Elizabeth II is more like the average person than it was fifty years ago. A perfect example is her recent "The empizzle is dizzle with the shizzle" speech.

The government reports that November layoffs were up 11%, but that 132,000 jobs were added. Of course, the jobs that were added are in India...

McDonald's stock hit a seven year high, going up 6.2%. That is the exact same increase in size in the average American's rear end.

A study shows that more companies are pushing healthy habits. A good example are the oil companies. They are making Americans walk more every day.

A senior marketing executive has left Wal-Mart after less than a year, after not succeeding at pushing high end merchandise. Wal-Mart decided to go back to basics, pushing their tried and true cheap crap.

Business schools are taking aim at bad writing in the workplace, teaching students to use plain English. They got the idea from watching Donald Trump tell all those people "You're fired!".

A study says the more money people make, the less likely they are to buy their boss a Christmas gift. Of course, the more money you make, the more likely it is that you are the boss.

The study shows that the more often you don't buy your boss a Christmas gift, the more likely that you will be making less money next year.

Allstate Insurance will stop writing policies on homes in New Jersey, because of the threat of hurricanes. Apparently adjusters can't tell if homes are damaged by the hurricanes, or from being in New Jersey.

Researchers say that 2007 will be a difficult year for U.S. automakers. You can't put anything past those people. I wonder if their first clue was Ford laying off 38,000 people and borrowing $18 billion?

General Motors says it will offer rollover protection on all vehicles in 2012. That is, of course assuming General Motors is still around in 2012.

Ford won't be offering rollover protection, because they have pretty much already rolled over.

Paul McCartney is joining in an appeal to the British government to extend copyright protection for another forty five years. He figures it will take him that long to pay off his divorce settlement from Heather.

Cincinnati Bengals cornerback Deltha O'Neal became the eighth Bengal arrested this season. They have become the first team to have wardrobes with stripes year round.

The Bengals are only four positions away from the Raiders' all time record.

Golden State Warriors coach Don Nelson won his 1200th game over a 28 season career. He credits the impressive total to the fact he has only spent a short amount of time with the Warriors.

Paris Hilton says she wants to have babies by the time she is thirty. They might come sooner than that if she keeps going on the dance floor every night without underwear.

Mariah Carey is trying to stop porn star turned politician Mary Carey from trademarking her name, since they are so similar. Mary Carey says she agrees. She is afraid that people will think it was she who starred in "Glitter".

Kevin Federline says he is doing great since being dumped by Britney Spears. He wants sole custody of their two kids, saying he is a family man. He's right. He has a family with Britney, a family with Shar Jackson...

"Heeeere's Johnny!" has been chosen as the top TV catch phrase of all time. The least favorite catch phrase of all time is "Geraldo will return right after this".

The last "Rocky" movie will show Rocky Balboa going out like a champ. That apparently will mean fighting way past his prime and pimping indoor grills before declaring bankruptcy.

Broadway actor James Barbour has pleaded not guilty to having sexual contact with a fifteen year old girl. Audiences were shocked. A Broadway actor likes girls?

Britney Spears has topped Yahoo's "most searched" list. Mostly by Kevin Federline, trying to figure out where she is every night.

Of course, Britney was a lot farther down the list until she stopped searching for a pair of underwear to put on before going out on the town.

A type of nectar bat can launch its tongue one and a half times its body length, longer than any other mammal. It broke the old record set in 1977 by Gene Simmons.

A study says that video games can make teens more violent. Especially when they get in line to try to buy a PS3.

A study says that adolescent boys are more likely to have high blood pressure than girls. Especially when they see those pictures of Britney and Paris getting out of cars with no underwear.

Adolescent boys are more likely to have high blood pressure than girls. Especially now when they have to decide whether to have sex with their girlfriend or their teacher.

Wildfires in Southern California in 2003 may contribute to wheezing and respiratory problems in children, according to a study. Apparently the smoke from the fires prevented the kids from getting enough of the normal amounts of smog into their lungs.

A new study says new moms face an increased risk of mental problems. Yes, from their kids.

That's it for now, oh faithful readers! Remember, the Post Office is getting busy already...Better make sure you allow plenty of extra time to send the love...

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