Sunday, December 03, 2006

Greetings, Oh faithful readers...I finally got my Play Station 3...Anyone know how to get blood off a radiator grill?

A study by UC Davis says high gas prices only cut driving slightly. Most people need to actually drive more to get to that second job they need to pay for their gas.

A woman is suing Kraft because there is hardly any avocado in their guacamole dip. Just wait until she buys some Cheez Whiz.

Actually, Cheez Whiz is not false advertising. The label is correct. Just not the "Cheez" part.

New York is cracking down on "mystery meats" being sold to immigrants at local markets. The exotic meats include armadillo, iguana and smoked rodent. Or as most people know them, the Sizzler steak platter.

Street vendors are complaining about the mystery meats the most. Apparently the high quality is taking away all their business.

A Florida woman who was once listed as the heaviest woman in the world has died, after losing more than 700 pounds. She turned to Richard Simmons for help. Apparently, watching him run around in shorts for a half hour on his exercise tapes i enough to make anyone lose their appetite.

Muslims are seeking prayer rooms in airports, after several priests were kicked off a flight for praying in public. Many airports already have meditation rooms that can be used for prayer. Mostly requested by passengers on Southwest Airlines.

The Bethel Woods Center for the Arts is looking for artifacts from the original Woodstock Festival for an exhibit. Most the participants would be happy to donate, if they could only remember being there in the first place.

The Sea World killer whale that attacked a trainer is back in the show. A spokesperson says some days the whale just isn't willing to do the show and gets grouchy, which can lead to attacks. Or were they talking about Star Jones?

Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey's former lover says McGreevey may not actually be gay. If that's true, McGreevey really jumped the gun in resigning his position and taking up with all those other men.

A Pennsylvania Driver's License Center was recently robbed. Nothing was taken, the person just wanted to see what it was like to get to the front of the line in less than two hours.

Maine has refused to let a brewer sell beer with Santa on the label, saying it might be too attractive for kids. Of course, Maine has no problem with letting kids see their dads bring home all of Santa's reindeer they shoot during hunting season.

The ex-husband of Jennifer Lopez is fighting to release a tell-all book about their marriage. Apparently there are a lot of guys who want to know the secret of how a loser waiter got a major star to marry him.

The book is written by Ojani Noa, which is apparently Spanish for "Federline".

An Arizona policeman is in trouble for letting two black littering suspects off by rapping a song about littering. Upon hearing this, Snoop Dogg starting brushing up on his songs about bustin' caps and slappin' bitches.

The Department of Homeland Security's Automated Targeting System has been tracking potential terrorists on how they pay for tickets and which meals they ordered on planes. People are shocked. There are airlines that serve food?

Experts have reconstructed the fingerprint of Leonardo da Vinci. How much evidence will it take to disprove that da Vinci code?

A secret Air Force facility in Colorado Springs is testing a radio frequency for security threats that is the same frequency that controls most garage door openers around the country. It's nice to know that if we are attacked, our homes will not be invaded through an attached garage.

Michael Richards is going to meet with the four men he target with his racially charged rant at a comedy club. The men are skeptical of his sincerity. Apparently he wants to establish a two drink minimum.

Iowa democrats say they will stay neutral for the democratic caucuses, even though favorite son Governor Tom Vilsack is running. Apparently they don't want to do anything to unnecessarily get his hopes up.

John Edwards and Wesley Clark are reportedly still in debt from their presidential campaigns back in 2004. Keeping a debt for four years means they'll be right at home if they get to lead the country in 2008.

Phoenix Airport is going to test a backscatter X-ray machine that can actually see through a person's clothes. Apparently Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan are just doing their part to make travel conditions easier for everyone.

I haven't read Britney Spears' prenuptial agreement with Kevin Federline, but if those pictures recently posted on the web mean anything, he walked away with all her underwear.

A union representing a third of the nation's postal workers can't come to an agreement with the government. Postal workers aren't allowed to strike, by law. The question is, how could you tell if they were?

The Justice Department says violent crimes at schools are dropping. Apparently almost as much as enrollment.

The students are adopting a "Make love, not war" attitude. Instead of shooting each other, they are having sex with their teachers.

Metal scraps that were discovered more than a century ago in the ocean are now believed to be an ancient calculator from Greece. Apparently the Greeks weren't any good at making change, either.

Elton John's response to the Australian Prime Minister's stand against gay marriage was "Up yours". Which apparently is another way of saying "Don't knock it til you've tried it."

A California man has been sentenced to seven years in prison for pirating movies using a video camera in theaters. The man claimed he wasn't out to make a profit. The judge said it would have been more believable if he would have only pirated Kevin Costner and Madonna films.

Keith Ellison from Minnesota, the first Muslim elected to congress wants to be sworn in with a Koran. Of course, if he starts taking bribes he gets his hands cut off.

A research firm says that almost half of all Apple Computer customers are 55 or older. The most common questions asked at their customer support are "How do you set the time?" and "How do you turn the thing on?"

No wonder Apple computers don't get viruses. The people who own them are only looking at Fox News online and medical web sites.

Gwyneth Paltrow says there is better dinner conversation in England than in America. That's because the only option other than speaking is to eat the British food.

People back in the states were shocked. Americans talk at the dinner table?

There is more interesting talk at the dinner table in England. mostly about how much Americans can pack away at the dinner table.

A Michigan man who last his hand thirty years ago had a hand transplant. He can once again show people which area of Michigan that he lives in.

Researchers have found the first land based fossil in Nevada. Apparently she was still in line at a Las Vegas casino buffet.

Stephen Hawking says in order to survive, humans will have to colonize planets in other solar systems, which could take 50,000 years to get to. Can you imagine the nagging the pilot would get if it wasn't as nice as earth?

"We traveled 50,000 years for this? My cousin Bernie could have gotten us something much better only 30,000 years away."

Scientists say some southern Arizona bears may not sleep through the hibernation season because they didn't get enough to eat. How fat are we getting? Even bears need a midnight snack.

Bode Miller won a downhill race despite having to avoid a Slovenian coach who fell in front of him on the course. Experts say it was lucky that Bode was the skier. It would have been much harder to swerve around the coach for someone who was sober.

An Arizona grandmother who was found with a trunkload of marijuana says she was selling it because of her Bingo habit. And vice versa.

Apparently selling the marijuana was just a way for the grandmother to pave the way to really make a fortune with her baked cookies.

A CIA employee has admitted to breaking in to ten houses near his office. Why is it the CIA can never find people who can do a simple break in?

A federal judge has struck down President Bush's authority to identify groups as terrorists. With the exception of Martha Stewart, Mel Gibson and Michael Richards.

World Cup skiers are worried that global warming may wipe out their sport. Ironically, most of the world's CO2 is released from Bode Miller's beer bottles.

An Australian research team says the rate of CO2 being released has doubled since the 1990s. The Bush administration claims that is good news for the environment, because all the trees and plants can breathe much better now.

The Civil Rights Project, a study about discrimination has moved from Harvard to UCLA. Apparently there wasn't a lot of discrimination detected among the wealthy white males who frequent Harvard.

By moving to UCLA, the Project can just go down the street and interview all the Brentwood maids, nannies and gardeners.

An IHOP in Massachusetts was carding people, taking their driver's licenses to make sure they paid before leaving. Not only that, but now the Department of Homeland Security wants customers to show their passport since it is the International House of Pancakes.

Scientists say that obesity is becoming a problem in Africa. Wasn't starvation just recently a problem there? How did everyone somehow pass right by "healthy"?

Indonesia has stopped showing wrestling on television after a nine year old boy died imitating the wrestling moves. The show has been replaced with episodes of "Jackass".

The British government says motorists should pay for using roads. This will cut down on congestion and pollution. After that, they will see if there is a way to make them use toothpaste.

Italian politicians have called for a boycott of Ikea for not selling Nativity scenes. They tried to sell them, but apparently people had trouble putting together the manger and crib.

Former Texas gubernatorial candidate Kinky Friedman gave away all his office furniture after the election. He wasn't the only one. The republican party gave away all kinds of seats in Congress.

A group figuring out the cost of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" says all the items would cost $75,000. That's not even including air fare from San Francisco for the "Lords a'Leaping".

A poll says that people consider Wal-Mart the most socially responsible company. It's true. They are responsible for poor employees, responsible for no health care...

Regal theaters are equipping seats with a gadget that calls ushers for disturbances, including people talking on cell phones. Unfortunately, the devices do nothing about bad movies or the high price of theater snacks.

A judge has ruled the government discriminates against the blind, because all paper money feels the same. The Bush administration is taking care of that by making all our money worthless.

Experts say the toy industry could be in for a big sales decline. The biggest problem is that Michael Jackson doesn't live at Neverland Ranch any more.

A study shows that people are more likely to call in sick during the holidays. Mostly those who actually try to eat the fruitcake.

However, most people will actually go into work when they are sick when they have family visiting.

EBay was the website most people visited on Black Friday. The reason was most people were selling all their possessions to try to get some money to pay for holiday shopping.

A study shows that 41% of all taxpayers contacted the IRS for help over the past two years. People were shocked. 41% of the people pay their taxes?

41% of all taxpayers contacted the IRS for help in the past two years. The other 59% contacted the IRS to turn in the 41%.

Ford is in the middle of a restructuring plan they call "Way Forward". This is not to be confused with their sales plan called "Way Down".

Kirk Kerkorian has sold his stake in General Motors, worth $800 million. The question is, who was dumb enough to buy it?

Americans drove fewer miles in 2005, the first decrease in twenty five years. The number one reason for less travel was no job to go to.

The number two reason for driving fewer miles was owning a Ford.

Ford is trying to borrow $18 billion for its restructuring plan. The money would be used mostly for bonuses for its executives.

Wal-Mart is planning to open stores in India. It would truly be an international plan. They would be sending jobs from the U.S. and bringing in goods from China.

A Chinese airline has asked passengers to try not to use the bathrooms in flight, as each flush wastes a liter of fuel. The people who comply on long flights will inadvertently be using their seats as a floatation device.

Russell Baze has become the winningest jockey in horse racing history. He was so proud, he said it made him feel five feet tall.

Baze has won nearly ten thousand races. He has had more mounts than Bill Clinton.

The only person who has gotten on a horse that many times is Prince Charles.

Nicole Richie has been named worst dressed celebrity by PETA, for wearing fur. Well, we know at least she hasn't been eating any animals.

People were stunned. Nicole Richie is a celebrity?

Paul McCartney has been seeing a psychiatrist over his marriage breakup. The psychiatrist keeps asking him "Are you nuts? No prenup??!!"

Madonna says she accepts a Malawi court ruling for a human rights group to monitor her adoption. Apparently the group will be headed up by James Baker.

A Japanese TV host was named as the busiest television personality by the Guiness Book of World's Records. Of course the show for the award was hosted by Regis.

Lindsay Lohan has joined Alcoholics Anonymous. Since when has Lohan done anything anonymously?

People were relieved to hear that Lohan has joined AA. It was hard to believe anyone could crash that many cars and forget underwear that many times while sober.

Scientists have found evidence of the first known human ritual, taking place 70 thousand years ago. Apparently the ritual started with a man asking a woman if she came there often.

Scientists say 18th century violin makers may have used chemically treated wood to make their greatest violins. In fact, Keith Richards also began being chemically treated in the 18th century.

One in five parents say their kids are on the computer too much. The other four are too busy making sure their spouse doesn't see what they are doing when on the computer.

Scientists say AIDS will be one of the top three causes of death by 2030. The other two will be road rage and celebrity marriages.

60% of Americans say that because of plastic surgery, the start of Middle Age will be 60 years old. Unfortunately, people are so fat they will be dying in their 50s.

Cleveland Browns tackle Ryan Tucker will be out for the season with what is being called an undisclosed mental disorder. Usually in the NFL that is referred to as being a Raider.

Allen Iverson says medication following a tooth removal caused him to miss a team bowling event. Since when has not having teeth or not being sober ever kept anyone out of a bowling alley?

A new, slick uniform is coming to the NHL. It has everything for the sport. It's aerodynamically designed for easier punching, and is also blood resistant.

The CEO of ExxonMobil received a $2.8 million bonus along with a salary raise. He was credited with the company's profit by telling the staff to just keep raising the prices.

A study shows that problem gamblers tend to have poorer health. Mostly because they eat at casino buffets.

That's it for now, oh faithful readers. Remember when buying my Christmas gift, just send the love...It's the one gift you can re-gift or return...

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