Sunday, November 19, 2006

Greetings, Oh faithful readers...It's almost Thanksgiving...When the Democrats thank the Republicans for giving them back congress...

Arizona congressman Jim Kolbe has proposed getting rid of the penny, saying it is obsolete. Actually, we already have something that has replaced the penny years ago. It's called the dollar.

The new proposal calls for stores to round up prices to the nearest nickel. And you thought it took cashiers a long time to figure out the change now.

The reason for the proposal is that the price of zinc to make pennies has gone up, costing more to make than it is worth. Only the government would figure out a way to lose money on a penny.

Pahrump, Nevada has passed a law saying that a U.S. flag must accompany any foreign flags flown in public. They want to make sure the American flag will be seen waving proudly over casinos and brothels, just like our Founding Fathers intended.

The Agriculture Department has replaced the word "hunger" with the more bureaucratic term "low food security". I thought low food security was not having a lock on the refrigerator when Kirstie Alley was visiting.

Now instead of saying "I'm hungry", it's much easier to say "What's for dinner? I'm really code red", or "I'm only at level yellow for lunch".

President Clinton says he would like to be an economic adviser to Mexico. Why would they need economic advice? We're going deeper in debt every day, and all their people have jobs in the U.S.

Many local police departments are phasing out their radio "10 code", instead having officers use plain English. Now instead of calling in a 10-86, they will have to actually say "We'll be at the doughnut shop the rest of the morning if anyone needs us".

Sony's PS3 went on sale over the weekend, resulting in fights, stabbings and even shootings between anxious customers. At some stores, the scene became almost as violent as a video game.

One customer returned his PS3 saying "Grand Theft Auto" was nothing compared to the riot inside the store.

Customers said they could hardly wait to come back for when the new "Tickle Me Elmo Extreme" was going to be released in limited supply.

Freedom Airlines has disciplined a flight attendant who ordered a passenger off a plane for breast feeding without covering herself with a blanket. Freedom Airlines is also changing its name to something more appropriate, like "Luftwaffe".

Apparently the woman was told she could get booked on a flight on Hooters Airlines.

An anti-illegal immigrant bill in Escondido, California is being put on hold. Apparently "Escondido" is Spanish for "cheap labor".

Greenleaf, Idaho is asking residents to own guns in case of a Katrina-like disaster. Apparently they want to be ready in case FEMA comes in to try to help out.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were married over the weekend in a 15th century castle in Italy. Cruise had to promise not to jump on any of the 15th century couches while he was there.

The only embarrassing part was when the minister asked if anyone objected, and Matt Lauer stood up and started arguing about the benefits of psychiatric medication.

A prisoner at Guantanamo Bay prison wants to have a heart procedure done elsewhere, but the government says no. Apparently the prisoner became nervous when he found out the method of anesthesia would be waterboarding.

The FDA has OK's silicone breast implants for the first time since 1992. The agency feels that the health risks are by far outweighed by the number of actresses and dancers whose careers will be rescued.

A West Virginia man came to a DUI hearing drunk. Apparently he wanted to show the court what he was like when he was really drunk.

Apparently he misunderstood when his lawyer told him he was bar certified.

Democrats say they are targeting tax breaks for Big Oil in the next congressional session. They need to find the middle ground where the public knows they are doing their job, yet leave enough money so the companies can still make some hefty campaign contributions.

Disgraced congressman Mark Foley says he disappointed his father who recently passed away. He says his sex scandal and resignation were bad enough. But he could never make up for the fact that he had become a member of congress.

President Bush is being criticized for choosing the medical director of an organization that opposes pre-marital sex, contraception and abortion to lead an office that oversees funds for teen pregnancies and family planning. What's next? Appointing a Secretary of Defense who is against war?

The Post Office says it finished the year $900 million in the black. There was a volume of 213 billion items, of which almost four hundred were delivered to the correct address.

What does that say about our government when the Post Office is the only department that is making money?

The U.S. is planning a $125 million legal compound at Guantanamo Bay. They can save money by holding trials for both the prisoners for terrorism, and the prison guards for torture.

Spain is telling Burger King to drop an ad campaign for its XXL Burger, because of the large portion. Apparently the "XXL" is the size you will be wearing if you eat one.

Scientists say pollution could actually be used to cool the planet from global warming. So when the guy in the Humvee runs over the hybrid car, he may actually be doing his part to save the planet.

Presidential candidates in Ecuador have had their accounts frozen after spending more than the legal limit. President Bush and congress can both agree, that is a country that needs to be invaded.

Talk about a politician's nightmare. Fortunately our representatives have the right to collect and spend bribes however they see fit.

Rupert Murdoch is urging Australians not to turn against the U.S. over the war in Iraq. Apparently Fox News isn't working Down Under, either.

Melitta is marketing a coffee maker that gives a weather forecast along with the brew. Well, it sure beats having to wake up and look at Al Roker first thing in the morning.

It also gives directions to the nearest Starbucks, in case you want a good cup of coffee.

Apple is planning an iPhone, combining their iPod with a cell phone. The object is to create the most annoying people on the planet.

Former network newsman Roger Mudd is donating his 1,500 volume collection of 20th Century Southern writers to Washington and Lee University. Apparently it is the largest private collection of redneck jokes in the world.

Rapper "The Game" was arrested in New York for impersonating a cop. He was later arrested after a show for impersonating a singer.

Barnes & Noble and Borders book stores will carry O.J. Simpson's book about how he hypothetically killed his ex-wife and Ron Goldman. The only problem is do they carry it under fiction or non-fiction?

Researchers say that chocolate milk is actually better than most sports drinks for recovery from strenuous exercise. It's just that Gatorade doesn't stain as bad when poured on a coach.

European Health Ministers have approved a charter to help fight obesity. The basic rule is don't live like Americans.

An Ohio study shows that people who own vicious dogs are more likely to have criminal records. Of course, people in Ohio who don't have vicious dogs are also more likely to have criminal records.

A more likely sign that someone is violent is whether they have ever been to a Raiders game.

A Tennessee museum took down an exhibit of deep fried flags that the artist claims is a commentary on obesity in America. Museum officials thought the display could be incendiary. That, and that patrons might try to eat them.

Some colleges are bypassing looking for well rounded students in favor of those with a passion. Unfortunately, most school children these days are getting their passion from their teachers.

Hindus in India are burning wood and herbs in an effort to heal the ozone layer. Apparently they are adopting the Bush Adminstration's environmental policy.

Experts are urging that condoms be given away in prisons to stop the spread of AIDS. It's time for a prisoner to get nervous when their cellmate orders a dozen boxes.

Sao Paulo, Brazil is offering women-only buses to keep men from groping them. This is a dangerous precedent. What other incentive is there for most men to take public transportation?

Judith Regan says she is publishing O.J. Simpson's hypothetical confession because she was a victim of abuse. Apparently that now justifies giving a platform and money to a murderer.

President Bush told the Big Three automakers they have some tough choices. Most of which seem to include going bankrupt.

Representatives from the automakers say they don't want a federal bailout. President Bush said that was good, because he was actually going to hit them up for a loan.

President Bush told the automakers they needed to make more fuel efficient, practical cars. Except, of course for the iron-clad luxurious presidential limousine.

An energy consulting group says there is enough oil in the world to last another 122 years. This is Dick Cheney's biggest nightmare, not living long enough to see every drop of crude pumped out of the ground.

U.S. and Mexican activists are fighting against Wal-Mart expansion in Mexico. On one hand it hurts small businesses across the border. On the other hand, it gives jobs to half the Mexicans in the U.S.

A cosmonaut will attempt to hit the longest golf shot in history from outer space. If the ball travels far enough, it could actually orbit John Daly.

A new CBS show called "3 Lbs." is about neurosurgeons. When it was announced, most people at the network assumed it was about supermodels.

Unfortunately, when the show "3 Lbs." was announced, Nicole Richie thought she was cast in another reality show.

3 Lbs. is the average weight of a human brain. If the show were about network executives, it would be called "3 Oz.".

A study shows that 1% of all web sites are pornographic. There's a term for those. "The good ones".

The other 99% are not for profit.

The other 99% are called filler.

The other 99% are called "cyber crap".

EBay is limiting the number of PS3s that can be sold on their site. Fortunately, people can still sell all their other overpriced and hoarded garbage to unsuspecting victims.

The PS3 is apparently not playing older games on the system very well. If you are still into "Pong" and "Donkey Kong", perhaps the PS3 is a bit much horsepower for you anyway.

Sony in Japan sold 88 thousand PS3s in just two days. It's good to know that not all the video game loser geeks are here in the U.S.

Companies are tracking gridlock in major cities by charting cell phone movement. Now all they have to do is get the people to quit yapping on their cell phones and causing all the gridlock.

Taco Bell says it is cutting out most of the trans fat in their food. They got the hint when they realized the Taco Bell chihuahua is now a Great Dane.

Ten major food makers, including McDonald's and Coke are going to promote healthy foods and exercise for kids with an ad campaign. The ads will tell them not to eat at McDonald's or drink Coke.

Doctors say that young children are already starting to show signs of hardening of the arteries, which could lead to heart disease. Forget "middle school". Fourteen is soon going to be "middle age".

Doctors say that two signs of living longer for men include normal blood pressure and a good grip. Just what exactly are they implying about why a guy with a good grip would have lower blood pressure?

A study says sunlight can help prevent ovarian cancer. That could sure lead to some embarrassing outdoor therapy.

A study says one in ten American adults will suffer pain that lasts a year or more. Fortunately, 49er fans only have to endure the pain for sixteen weeks.

A court in California has thrown out a $34 million award to the Oakland Raiders, who claimed the Oakland Coliseum management falsely promised sold out games. The Coliseum claims the Raiders falsely promised them a professional football team.

The NHL may expand, and Kansas City could get a team. Now local baseball fans are hoping that Kansas City some day may get a major league baseball team, too.

Representative Charles Rangel of New York says he wants to reinstate the military draft. That means we could pretty soon see Barbara and Jenna Bush sporting those snazzy Texas Air National Guard jackets.

HMO membership is down by 13% from ten years ago. Mostly because 13% of their membership had to go in for medical treatment during that time.

A study shows that California kids are in general overweight and out of shape. Which means that they are still in much better condition than kids in the other states.

Out of shape kids have it tough in California. They have to hear about it from their real dad, their step dad, their mom's trainer, and their life coach.

A study shows that negativity is linked to heart disease. People who are angry, depressed and hostile are most at risk. That's not good news for republican congressmen.

With that news, Dick Cheney has been put on 24 hour defibrilator notice.

The French government has banned smoking in all public buildings starting next February. And you thought the French were grouchy and rude now.

Townspeople in Bracciano, Italy say they were disappointed in the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding. But it was still better than "Eyes Wide Shut".

That's it for now, oh faithful readers...Have a Happy Thanksgiving...Remember to send the love...and a side of stuffing wouldn't hurt, either...

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