Sunday, October 01, 2006

Greetings, Oh faithful readers...The Dodgers have made the playoffs! That means they will have to cancel their usual October vacation plans...

A California court will hear arguments that a three drug cocktail to kill inmates is cruel and unusual punishment. A three drug cocktail in Hollywood is known as an aperitif.

The proposed 700 mile fence along the Mexican border may harm migration routes of animals and birds. So far, the Border Patrol has captured and deported three tortoises, five geese and a Gila Monster.

A California fire that burned more than 250 square miles is mostly contained. However, with house prices in California dropping, residents are asking firefighters to let their homes burn so they can collect the insurance.

A Pennsylvania court has allowed a father to teach his daughter his religious beliefs about polygamy. Apparently not all of the girl's mothers agree with the idea.

Bob Woodward's new book says President Bush is lying about how bad the war in Iraq is getting. The book is called "State of Denial: Bush at War III". However it may soon be changed to Bush at World War III".

U.N. Ambassador John Bolton still hasn't been confirmed by the Senate. Congress is arguing non-stop about whether he is the right person for the job. They can't come to an agreement on anything. Just like the U.N.

Bolton's position is going to be changed to classify him as a temporary worker.

The Supreme Court will hear its first case concerning Global Warming. That's bad news for industry. Most judges are so old, they are always complaining how hot it is most the time already.

The bad news for industry is that most the judges are so old, they remember the last ice age.

A study says war stress affects part time soldiers the most. 41% of National Guardsmen and reservists raised concerns about their mental health. However, 100% raised concerns about the mental health of Donald Rumsfeld.

The Republican candidate for Attorney General of New York, Jeanne Pirro is under investigation for spying on her husband. Hillary Clinton was asked what you call a woman getting caught spying on her husband. "An amateur".

How can this woman enforce the laws of New York when she can't even spy on her own husband?

The Sons of the Confederate Veterans are mad at Virginia Senator George Allen for remarks he made about the Confederate Flag. Even the racists are bailing on Allen.

Things aren't looking good for George Allen. When you've lost the southern redneck vote, it's pretty much over.

National Public Radio is in Little Rock, Arkansas to gather oral histories from local residents. Of course, the most famous oral history involving someone from Arkansas will be the one from Monica Lewinski.

More than fifty Georgia judges were given a blessing at the "Red Mass" ceremony. The tradition goes back to the Middle Ages. Just like most Georgia laws.

The average hotel room in Hawaii has jumped to nearly $200 a night. The only Hilton that's more expensive for a night is Paris Hilton.

The state of Illinois will pay nearly $1 million to photograph and video tape Gov. Blagojevich at official functions. Who's in the video with him, Paris Hilton?

The largest airport in Buenos Aires has a psychiatrist who helps calm fliers with classes, therapy and medication. Didn't that used to be called the airport lounge?

There are classes to help people relax for flying that last eight hours. Passengers can take the class while waiting to get through airport security.

The psychiatrist doesn't have to treat passengers for claustrophobia since Southwest Airlines doesn't service that airport.

Talking to the psychiatrist on a one to one basis costs $70 an hour. The thought of having to pay that bill takes passengers' minds off being afraid of flying.

Hewlett Packard executives testified before congress about their investigation scandal. None of the managers would take responsibility for what happened, to which congressmen declared. "Good enough for us!"

Billionaire investor Kirk Kerkorian wants to increase his stake in General Motors to 12%. Apparently his goal is to become a millionaire investor.

Kerkorian wants to merge GM with Renault and Nissan. Combining French and Japanese auto makers will give you a car that gets good mileage but only goes in reverse.

ESPN is dropping its cell phone service after less than a year. Apparently customers were a bit too annoyed with the "Boo Ya!" ring tone.

Another problem was having to place all long distance calls through stand by operator Chris Berman.

The ESPN phone service was OK if you had the premium service. But the cheaper packages only gave you highlights from shows on ESPN2.

Rookie James Loney tied the Dodger record for 9 RBI in a game. Or as they call that on the Kansas City Royals, a pretty good season.

Former Heavyweight Champ Mike Tyson is on an exhibition tour. Doesn't that pretty much describe the last five years of his career?

Tyson's first exhibition is in Youngstown, Ohio. Tyson says "I go where I'm wanted." At one time he was wanted in as many as fifteen states.

Indiana University of Pennsylvania will be without a nickname for several months after dropping the "Indians" epithet. Forget the nickname. How about figuring out which state they're from?

I wonder if anyone from Indiana University of Pennsylvania has been drafted by the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim?

A study by the Center for Disease Control shows that high school athletic injuries are down. Of course they're down. Which kids play sports anymore? They all pretty much just eat and play video games these days.

Another reason the kids aren't getting hurt is that the ones who do play sports have so much padding they can't get injured.

A new CBS show about brain surgery is called "3 Lbs." It's named after the weight of the average human brain. However, the weight of the average brain after watching network TV is more like 3 Oz.

The show should be called "225 Lbs." for the weight of the average American TV watcher.

Cher auctioned off many of her personal items this week, including her brass bed made in 1865. It's the one she slept in with Abraham Lincoln.

The mattress still has makeup stains from Paul Stanley.

U.S. audits say that lack of security and poor equipment has cost Iraq $16 billion in oil sales. They could have used that money to keep U.S. forces in the country another week.

Oil companies told the Iraqis it's no big deal. Just start charging $3 a gallon for gasoline and they'll get the money back in no time.

Spinach being taken off the shelves has been replaced by other vegetables. Consumers don't seem to mind, as long as the replacement veggies can be deep fried.

Arugula is one of the most popular replacement vegetables. People don't mind the bitter taste as long as it is countered with something sweet. Like jelly doughnuts.

The Capital Records Building in Los Angeles is being sold for $50 million. It was built in 1956 to look like a stack of records. To which most young people in the music business had to ask, "What's a record?"

Billy Joel is selling his Long Island home for $37.5 million. The house is reportedly in great shape, but the garage and surrounding neighborhood has a lot of damage.

A California woman surprised a burglar in her house who was doing laundry. She immediately left to give him some time to do the floors.

The burglar left the house which prompted a manhunt. Police were advised to look for someone armed and extremely gay.

The burglar was described as 5' 10", 150 Lbs. wearing a cotton blend Polo shirt and 20% acrylic wool slacks, argyle socks and a permanent press pull-over.

Central Iowa has been chosen as the site for an indoor rain forest. The reason that location was picked was because with global warming, in another few years central Iowa will be a tropical rain forest.

Bob Woodward says former White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card wanted President Bush to fire Donald Rumsfeld, but it was nixed by Vice President Cheney and Karl Rove. Cheney and Rove felt it would admit a mistake and result in criticism of the White House. Well, they sure foiled that, didn't they?

There hasn't been an inspector general at the Pentagon for more than a year. That is the person who keeps an eye on military spending. Forget the Pentagon. Who's watching the spending over in congress?

Al-Queda's second in command, Ayman al-Zawahari is calling President Bush a failure and a liar. He's just jealous, because in our country the number two guy actually gets to call the shots.

China is claiming a fusion reactor is a success. It creates energy with the same method as the sun. President Bush is skeptical, saying "Doesn't that mean it won't work at night?"

College enrollment is at an all time high in South Dakota. Students are figuring out it's the best way to get employment somewhere other than in South Dakota.

Walmart is the number one corporate contributor to politics at the federal level. So when you shop there, you are not only getting lower prices, you are buying a piece of your very own congressman.

Outback Steak House is being sued by EEO for discriminating against women. It didn't help when Outback officials asked how many Sheilas are we talking about?

Ford Credit is going to cut 2,000 jobs. Of course, these days "Ford Credit" is redundant.

Natural gas producers have dropped prices because there is a large supply available for winter. Also because nobody needs to heat their homes anymore thanks to global warming.

7-11 denies that remarks against President Bush by Hugo Chavez led to the convenience store dropping Citgo as a gasoline supplier. The better question is, what needs to be done to get them another hot dog supplier?

Prostitutes and smugglers are boosting the Greek economy as illicit activities will be added to the economic output. As long as prostitutes, put out, it helps the output.

If we added illicit activities to the U.S. economy, all the border towns would be rich.

Adding illicit activities to the economic output? I believe that has been done for years already. It's called "Las Vegas".

A West Virginia high school football player ran for 658 yards and scored ten touchdowns in a single game. However, it didn't count because he did it against the Raiders.

Director Oliver Stone says President Bush has set the U.S. back ten years. That's not true. Ten years ago we were at peace and had a budget surplus.

Dr. Phil has settled a lawsuit for more than $10 million involving his diet plan. That could be really bad news for his line of hair care products.

A study shows Americans are puzzled by food labels, especially people who have low literary or math skills. So apparently the reason we are so fat is because we are also stupid.

The FCC will study to see if TV commercials add to obesity in kids. Kids who watch a lot of commercials tend to be fatter. Mostly because they are sitting in front of the TV all day.

A man who had a ten year erection due to a faulty implant product now may not get his cash from a lawsuit he won. A court ruled against him, meaning it looks like he will get stiffed again.

A study says that women with a ring finger longer than their index finger may be better at sports. While men who have a longer middle finger tend to become cab drivers.

Major League Baseball broke its all time attendance record this year. In fact, the only people who didn't show up this season were the Pittsburgh Pirates.

That's it for now from the L.A. That's right, I'm on the west coast for a couple of days, but still had to get you all some jokes. Since I am in the land of Hollywood, that means you can all still send the love...and not mean a word of it!

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