Sunday, October 08, 2006

Greetings, Oh faithful readers...I just got three online solicitations from the Republican Party. Of course, all they ask is what I'm wearing...

A study shows that immigrants are more likely to carpool than others. That's what happens when you are used to riding around in a trunk with fourteen other people.

New Jersey legislators are moving to end the ban on over the counter syringes. Besides, if people don't have a prescription they can always go down and pick up a few needles on the beach.

A study says one third of U.S. adolescents are out of shape. The other two thirds need to improve to get back to that point.

The cafeteria in the West Virginia State Capitol Building has been shut down because of filth. Apparently just one more code violation and it would have had to reopen as a "Sizzler".

A study shows that the Big Three automakers make about $2400 less per vehicle than their Japanese competitors. Fortunately, those savings are passed along to the consumer who needs the money for more frequent fill ups and higher repair costs.

A study says that watching TV on a weeknight hurts students' performance at school. Especially if they are watching TV with their teacher while having sex.

Florida Congressman Mark Foley has resigned his seat over a sex scandal. Apparently he hasn't learned his lesson. He says he just wants to get on with his life and turn over a new page.

Ford reports losing $451 on every vehicle they sold last year. That means the company's total losses add up to nearly a thousand dollars.

The cost of housing is up, with homeowners spending an average of 21% of their income on housing costs. The other 79% of their income obviously went for food.

Little Rock, Arkansas is changing its nickname from the "City of Roses" to "The Rock" to improve its image. The only thing that could have improved its image more would be to remove the "Arkansas".

Congressman Mark Foley resigned in part for abusing his franking privilege. Of course, Frank was a congressional page.

Foley resigned his seat and entered rehabilitation for alcoholism. Apparently he was getting a little too much into the Jesus Juice.

Shaquille O'Neal doesn't like the new NBA basketball. Apparently it still won't go through the hoop form the free throw line.

The NBA says the new ball has a better grip. Apparently it was modeled after the fit between P.J. Carlesimo's hands and Latrelle Sprewell's throat.

A court says the FBI can continue using lie detector tests on prospective employees. Why can't we use them on prospective congressional candidates?

Former KISS guitarist Vinnie Vincent lost a Supreme Court decision on his claims for royalty payments from the band. A majority of the court concurred that only Ace Frehley is the true KISS guitarist.

A Wisconsin lawmaker wants to give teachers permission to carry concealed weapons. You thought it was bad being hit by an eraser for misbehaving in class.

John Mark Karr was set free from child porn charges because of lack of evidence. His computer somehow disappeared. Apparently it was on loan to Mark Foley.

Protesters met Jeb Bush in Pennsylvania where he was making a campaign appearance. He had to duck into a subway station supply closet. Jeb was going into the closet right about the time Mark Foley was coming out.

A Star Trek memorabilia auction netted more than $7 million, including a half million dollars for a replica of the Star Ship Enterprise. It's amazing how much money guys can save up by not having to pay for dates.

U.S. restaurants will bring in a record half trillion dollars this year. That means clothing stores will also be making more money from people having to buy a larger sized wardrobe.

Google is planning to buy Youtube for $1.6 billion. It's amazing to realize that two internet companies can be worth so much and neither one deals in porn.

A survey shows that three out of four American adults have mobile phones. The other one fourth are in prison.

Three out of four Americans have mobile phones. However, they only use them while they are driving their car or sitting in a restaurant or movie theater.

More than half the visitors on Myspace.com are 35 and older. Or as they are otherwise called, "Predators".

Former CBS anchor Bob Schieffer says the nation needs a free press now more than ever. But if we can't have that, Katie Couric will at least keep it cute and perky.

At least two major theater chains won't show a movie that depicts the assassination of President Bush. The chain owners say like most Americans, they'd be satisfied with a simple impeachment.

CBS has pulled the show "Smith" from the prime time schedule. The show was so bad, apparently it wouldn't even use its real name.

Jamie Lee Curtis says she is through with acting as a profession. I think we all knew that after "Perfect".

Research shows that men have body image problems just like women. The real problem belongs to the unfortunate people who have to watch the out of shape guys parade around on beaches in their Speedos.

Researchers have set up a clinic in Pittsburgh to study supercentarians, people who have lived past 110. After a few days in Pittsburgh, the supercentenarians say dying doesn't seem all that bad an idea.

After reaching 110 years old, the odds of making it to 111 are only 50%. That means long term planning is pretty much defined as "lunch".

The World Health Organization says air pollution kills two million people a year. Of course, that doesn't include the number of lives saved in L.A. by people driving into the smog to avoid freeway shooters.

Renowned scientist Edward O. Wilson says half the world's species may face extinction by 2100 from pollution, climate change and increasing human population. Or as science knows it, "Republicans".

Alex Rodriguez was moved into eighth place in the Yankee's lineup due to a slump in the playoffs. He was hitting so badly, Manager Joe Torre asked him if he knew how to pitch.

An 83 year old U.S. woman was arrested at the Mexican border trying to smuggle meth. She was let go. Fortunately, she was able to prove she was a U.S. citizen and not some illegal alien trying to break the law and sneak in to the U.S.

A New York City school is making parents serve detention if their kids are late. What's next? Pretty soon the parents will be the ones having sex with the kids' teachers.

Authorities say that Malibu celebrities that have septic tanks may be the source of ocean sewage. This should come as no surprise as they have been the source of theater sewage for years.

Iraqi barbers and their customers are being threatened by Muslim extremists. A Barber hasn't been under this much pressure since Donald Trump walked in and said "Make me look good."

An Australian man tried to drive more than 300 miles in reverse when his transmission broke. He almost broke the record held by a French tank driver.

The turnout for the nation's primaries was an all time low 15%. Who needs these new electronic voting machines? At this rate they will just have the voters call in to Washington from the voting booth and cut out the middleman.

Republicans in congress have appropriated $20 million for a victory party for Iraq. Ironically, Iraq has pretty much guaranteed a victory party for the democrats.

A panel says the IRA is no longer a terrorist threat. Now they just have to go to work against the IRS.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke says the retirement of Baby Boomers will put a huge stress on Social Security and Medicare. However, the current economy has fixed that, as Boomers won't be able to retire for another thirty years.

Starbuck's is planning on opening forth thousand stores, more than McDonald's. Not only will we be the fattest nation, we will be the most jittery.

Donald Trump is marketing a new vodka. Apparently it is so strong, after just a few drinks his hair looks good.

For the first time, homes are selling for more than $100 million. Of course, if you don't want to spend that much you can still go for a two bedroom fixer upper in the San Fernando Valley.

Airlines are losing more luggage than ever. That's OK. They offset that by being so late on flights, by the time you arrive it's almost time to leave again.

Terrell Owens has written a children's book called "Little T Learns to Share". It is being released as fiction.

In the book, "Little T" learns to share the blame for all his problems on the people around him.

A Russian basketball team beat the Los Angeles Clippers in an exhibition game. The Clippers blamed the loss on jet lag, and the fact that they are a terrible team.

A former Olympic cross country skier won the North American wife carrying championship in Maine. The champion husband carrier is still Britney Spears.

A Mississippi couple named their baby ESPN, after the sports channel. However, they have decided if he grows up gay he can change it to Bravo.

Cher made $3.5 million at her auction of personal items. The largest bids came on a nose, breast and leftovers from a facelift and tummy tuck.

A high calorie diet at Guantanamo prison has made for weight gains in many inmates. This is bad as it's now hard to tell the difference between terrorists and ordinary Americans.

Dickenson College has been chosen the fittest college by Men's Fitness magazine. Least fittest college is still Bartender's College.

The least fittest college was McDonald's Hamburger University.

One third of American teenagers failed a treadmill test. However, results improved dramatically if the treadmill was placed right in front of an opened refrigerator.

Roger Kornberg has won the Nobel Prize in chemistry, after his father won it in 1959. How much pressure is on his kid not to be a shoe salesman? "Yeah, my dad and grandpa won the Nobel Prize. Would you like to see these in a size 8?"

A new service blocks access to cell phone data if stolen, along with a piercing scream. Just when you thought there was no way to make the cell phone any more annoying.

Joe Torre is going to be fired, according to rumor after the Yankees lost in the first round of playoffs. This is going to be tough. Steinbrenner hasn't fired a manager in eleven years.

President Bush gave his weekly radio address, saying students must never fear for their safety. Unless they volunteer to be a congressional page.

Senator John Warner says the Iraqi government is not meeting its basic responsibilities. Apparently they really did model their government after ours.

The Muppets have made a new video that shows children in Afghanistan how to spot land mines and avoid danger. They are now going to make a video for the U.S. for congressional pages.

Mark Foley has resigned his seat and congress won't punish him. He may not face criminal charges either. In a related story, Michael Jackson has just declared his candidacy for congress.

More deaths are being reported from tainted spinach, and a Florida woman was paralyzed by bad carrot juice. So much for health food. When is the last time a Big Mac actually killed anyone?

Research shows that Marijuana may slow the progression of Alzheimer's Disease. Why not? It seems to pretty much slow down everything else.

Mel Gibson is set to do an interview on "Good Morning America", his first since his DUI. If nothing else, we'll find out if Diane Sawyer is Jewish.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Don't forget to keep sending the love...Not necessarily the Mark Foley kind of love...just the love!

No comments: