Sunday, October 22, 2006

Greetings, Oh faithful readers...Congress has a new plan to balance the budget...Find Wesley Snipes!

A California woman got naked and sat on her porch to distract a neighborhood 14 year old from playing basketball in his yard and making noise. When I was a kid, all I got was some old guy in boxer shorts throwing his beer cans at me.

In Tennessee, a twin killed his brother in a fight over a pack of gum. That took them right out of the running for any of those Double Mint commercials.

A Wisconsin man changed his name to Andy Griffith in his bid to be elected sheriff. This followed his unsuccessful attempt to run for mayor under the name "Boss Hogg".

The U.S. now has 300 million people. We should reach 400 million by 2043. Researchers by then, one out of four white Americans will be elderly, and one out of four citizens will be Hispanic. In other words, we will turn into Miami.

California is paying other states millions of dollars to take inmates from overcrowded prisons and incarcerate them. Now we're even outsourcing our criminals.

Seattle has come up with a new motto for the city, "Metronatural". That sounds more like a gay nudist.

A 20 year old grocery clerk from Wisconsin has been arrested for posting a threat of dirty bombs at NFL games. Most fans know the only real danger from football would be to wear a Broncos jersey to a Raiders game.

French and Americans marched together over the weekend to commemorate the victory over the English at Yorktown, VA. It also marks the last military victory of any kind for the French.

A painting by Frank Weston Benson that was donated to Goodwill was sold for $165 thousand. That will just about cover the cost of having all the other useless garbage left at Goodwill sites hauled away.

A candidate for State Superintendent of Schools in Oklahoma says students should keep thick textbooks to use as shields from gunmen. The second option is to hide behind a fat kid.

Textbooks might as well be used as shields since students don't read them anymore.

The city council of Escondido, CA has voted to make it against the law to rent property to illegal aliens. Escondido is the city with overgrown lawns and no restaurants.

Hawaii surfing champ Sunny Garcia was sentenced to three months in prison for tax fraud. In prison, he will now be known as "Gidget".

"Riding the Pipeline" will have a whole new meaning in prison.

President Bush and his top advisers and generals held a strategy session about Iraq. The last word from the meeting is that we still don't have one.

A California woman claims she found part of a human finger in a Subway sandwich. Apparently Jared has now lost even more weight.

NBC has announced massive layoffs, up to 700 people. The new plan for cutbacks is called "NBCU 2.0" Apparently the 2.0 is how many people will be left at the network.

Hillary Clinton says she hasn't made a decision on whether she will run for President in 2008. President? She still hasn't decided if she'll still be married to Bill by then.

Researchers say farmers are concerned about global warming and its effects on the future. Not to be alarmist, but banana trees are already reportedly being bought up in Iowa.

Wal-Mart is going to do away with their traditional blue vests with the smiley face. The new dress code will be more employee friendly, with a serape and sombrero.

To make suppliers feel more at home, trucks will be done away with and deliveries will be made by rickshaw.

Psychologists say that excessive use on cell phones and PDAs are responsible for anxiety, fistfights and wrecked marriages. And that's just at the movie theater.

Spoony Singh, who founded the Hollywood Wax Museum has died at 83. After he turned 70, pretty much all the wax for the figures came from his ears.

Harrison Ford has signed on to do another movie in the "Indiana Jones" series. At 64 years old, to make it a little more realistic he will now be known as "Indiana in the summer, the rest of the year in Florida" Jones.

Ford is getting a little old to do his own stunts, so the scripts will have a little less action. The working title for the new film is "Indiana Jones and the Early Bird Special".

Melissa Ethridge and her partner just had twins. It is not believed that David Crosby is the father this time. Rumor has it that this time it is Kevin Federline.

Country singer Keith Urban has checked into rehab. Hollywood is shocked. Apparently he didn't even molest any kids or make any racial slurs.

Claudia Schiffer says runway models have gotten too thin. She says to be healthy enough to keep up a busy schedule, all models should eat three square meals a week.

A survey shows that chefs are not counting calories on the menus they create. If anyone doubts this, have you looked at any chefs lately?

If anyone doubts the survey, Have they taken a good look at Paul Prudhomme lately?

The Antarctic ozone hole is larger than ever this year. Global warming has made it so big, Al Gore reportedly could even fit through it.

Scientists at Duke University have created a cloak that can hide items from microwaves. Other than keeping someone from heating up a frozen dinner, I can see no use for this invention.

A study shows that women do as well at math as men if they are told they can do well. Apparently the same doesn't hold true for Michelle Wie and golf.

Researchers say the Pacific Northwest will be even more gray and rainy in the next fifty to one hundred years. As if the Portland Trailblazers needed another reason to smoke pot all day.

Mike Tyson fought in an exhibition at a Youngstown, Ohio hockey rink. It was so bad, the fans were hoping a hockey match would break out.

The fans decided to stay for the next hockey match so that they could see a real fight.

Mike Tyson fought an exhibition with Corey "T-Rex" Sanders. Sanders may be known as T-Rex, but it was pretty obvious that Tyson was the real fossil.

Thousands of U.S. troops are barred from overseas duty because they are too deeply in debt, and are considered security risks. Remember the good old days when the only way to get out of service was to make them think you were gay?

President Bush comes from a wealthy family. How did he get out of combat in Vietnam?

If having a personal debt can keep you out of going to war, no wonder we don't have enough troops in Iraq.

A Massachusetts grade school has banned tag and other chase games. Apparently it was just no fun having all the same fat kids being "It" all the time.

The Federation of American Scientists says video games will redefine education as we know it. Apparently what they mean is all the new games that are on the market will be teaching students how to steal cars and shoot cops.

Spain's King Juan Carlos is being accused of shooting a drunk bear for sport. If you rearrange that story just a bit, you could just as easily be talking about Dick Cheney.

The only difference between Juan Carlos and Cheney is that Cheney is actually the ruler of his country.

Three of the top ten polluted cities in the world are in Russia, and none in the U.S. How did that happen? If President Bush were still Texas Governor, there is no way Houston would have been dropped off that list.

A study says the earth's weather will get more extreme in the next few years. That news can't be good for property value in New Orleans.

The FBI says hate crime is down 6%. That means that more criminals are really starting to like their victims.

43 baggage handlers at France's main international airport were denied security clearance because of terrorist ties. If you ask me, the people at airports with terrorist ties are the ones that ride around in those obnoxious beeping carts who try to run you over in the terminals.

Wesley Snipes is reportedly in Africa while the FBI is trying to find him, saying he owes them $12 million in taxes. Apparently he is trying to adopt enough children to come up with $12 million in deductions.

A gang attacked a Russian modern art gallery, destroying several works. The gang is describes as armed and extremely avant-garde.

Disney is planning to serve healthier food at their theme parks, with less fat and sugar. That's one way they can make the lines at rides shorter while still having the same number of people.

McDonald's profits are up 15% because of their new snack chicken wraps. Apparently the wraps are just right as a transition between a value meal and dessert.

TMX Elmo, the hottest Christmas toy can't be found in stores any more. It is only available for much more money on e-Bay. TMX means "Tickle Me Extreme". The extreme refers to the new price.

Six Flags theme parks are going to start enforcing behavior and dress codes. Apparently people were getting the parks mixed up with Euro Disney in Paris.

Nissan is recalling 130 thousand vehicles with a key defect that weren't starting properly. Otherwise known in the auto industry as a "Ford".

Ford is ending production on its popular "Taurus" model. Apparently the car known for dependability and good mileage was hurting the reputation of its entire line of trucks and SUVs.

An auto industry survey shows that Japanese manufactures are more efficient than American. While one American company offers 81 different side mirrors, its competition offers two. Industry analysts were amazed. Americans use side mirrors?

Wal-Mart is buying a chain of stores in China. So now the Chinese can buy American items that were made by themselves and shipped overseas to be brought back with the Wal-Mart label.

Chris Evert is ending her marriage to skier Andy Mill. It's a no-fault divorce. Since it's Evert's second marriage, that would make it a double-fault.

George Michael says smoking marijuana keeps him sane. It sure doesn't help with his driving.

Michael says pot smoking keeps him sane. Crashing cars and running naked through public parks...What would he be like if he wasn't stoned?

The Who is working on their first album since 1982. To which young people say, "Who?"

The Who is working on their first album since 1982. To which young people say, "What's an album?"

O.J. Simpson is writing a book describing the murders of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman as if he "actually committed the crime". I guess searching for the real killers on all those golf courses finally yielded some solid leads.

Scientists are using a test where five strands of hair can reveal if a girl is anorexic or bulimic. Apparently if the girl's arm is thinner than the five strands of hair, she has a problem.

A study shows that employees have lax password habits at work. Why shouldn't they? Who is going to try to break into a computer system that allows three web sites, none of them with any porn?

A new system will allow cars to detect speed limits and alert drivers going too fast. I think this system already exists. It's called a "wife".

U.S. forces in Iraq are going to test a new translating device. They will use it on President Bush to see if there is a war strategy yet.

Former NFL Players Union executive Doug Allen is the new executive director of the Screen Actors Guild. What does an NFL man know about acting? Just watch any punter when a lineman gets within ten feet of him after kicking the ball.

The Golden State Warriors have sold the naming rights to their arena. An Oracle is defined as a divine communication or revelation. In this case, such a revelation might be "You wasted your money".

Bobby Knight has agreed to stay on as coach at Texas tech through 2012. He could even end up as a department chair. As long as he doesn't throw it at anyone.

Golfer Michelle Wie has a new agent. She makes millions of dollars, is beautiful and has never won a tournament. Apparently Wie is Hawaiian for "Kournikova".

Former German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder says he is suspicious of President Bush. When the Germans start getting nervous about military intentions, it's time to start wondering...

The father of the boy being adopted by Madonna in Africa says he would not have agreed to give the boy up if he knew it meant it was for good. Translation: Daddy needs a new pair of shoes.

Children's rights groups are also trying to stop Madonna's attempt to adopt a boy from Africa. To which the boy is saying, "Mind your own damn business!"

If this adoption falls through, that kid is going to grow up feeling like the guy who lost the winning lottery ticket.

McDonald's is going to makeover some restaurants with wireless internet and plasma TVs. So now people can park their large rear ends there all day, telecommute with their work, and eat breakfast, lunch and dinner without moving. Throw in a full time cardiologist on site and what more does anyone need?

Doctors are challenging anti-aging advice given by Suzanne Sommers in a new book. Who do they think they are? Are any of those doctors on TV? Who would you believe? How dare they?

The United States has 5% of the world's population, yet uses 42% of the world's prescription drugs. And that doesn't even include Rush Limbaugh.

Of course, most the people who use prescription drugs need them after listening to Rush.

A study says that doctors can improve their bedside manner by taking creative writing courses. Up until now, doctors only used creative writing skills on death certificates when they lost a patient.

A study says that internet addiction may effect one out of eight Americans. The other seven get their porn through movies or magazines.

Researchers say there have been increased health benefits in Scotland from a ban on smoking in public places. For one thing, since they can now see and smell better, they've quit eating Scottish food.

A study shows that having positive emotions may lower blood pressure. In other words, this isn't a good time to be Dick Cheney.

A Harvard study shows that a proper amount of sleep helps the memory. So using the excuse that you didn't sleep well may work when you can't remember the girl's name in the morning.

The CEO of AOL says sales may shrink during the next two years. Then they will completely disappear.

Alvin Weinberg has died at 91. He helped develop the atomic bomb. His funeral will be held at night, even if the power goes out.

That's it for now, oh faithful readers! This is my internet addiction, and I get my fix when you send the love...

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