Sunday, September 17, 2006

Greetings, oh faithful readers...These jokes are a direct result of new interrogation tactics approved for the CIA...

Starbuck's has fired a woman even though they hired her knowing she had several psychotic disorders. Apparently they assumed it was just the caffeine.

"Survivor" is breaking up its teams by race: Asian, black, Hispanic and white. So far the only problem is the other teams can't keep the Hispanics from crossing over into their designated areas.

The husband of Republican candidate for New York Attorney General Jeanne Pirro was ticketed for speeding in a school zone. For once a New York candidate has to apologize for her husband's behavior and it isn't Hillary.

California has banned hand held cell phones while driving. Governor Schwarzenegger says it is dangerous to talk while driving. Especially if you are talking with him and trying to figure out what he is saying.

A threatened tourism boycott of South Dakota over a strict anti-abortion bill has apparently had little effect. This past summer South Dakota saw as many as three tourists.

What is the number one tourist destination in South Dakota? The next gas station.

What is the number one reason people list as their reason to stay in South Dakota? Stranded motorist.

The Bush administration is proposing a referendum to allow Cubans to vote on whether they want democracy. Of course, all the Cubans who want democracy have already rafted to Florida.

Southwestern Indian tribes are suing to block a plan to allow expansion of an Arizona ski resort. They claim it desecrates sacred land, which should only be used for religious rites and casinos.

A West Virginia woman has been arrested for forcing her stepchildren to gorge themselves on food and drink. Is it really necessary to force kids today to gorge themselves?

Phoenix, Arizona has just gone through its first summer in memory with no reported child drownings. Apparently the kids have all gotten so fat they can't sink.

An arctic ice seal was sighted on a beach in North Carolina. It was either that or a very hairy Canadian tourist.

A Vietnam deserter was arrested trying to enter the U.S. from Mexico. He could be sentenced up to eight years in the White House.

Bagged spinach was pulled from store shelves after an outbreak of e.coli bacteria. Diet experts say the scare could stop the sale of as many as three bags of the vegetable.

The pulling of the vegetable prompted millions of children across the country to ask "What is spinach?"

President Bush wants congress to authorize the CIA to continue tough questioning tactics of suspected terrorists. Bush says he wants the guidelines to fall somewhere between the Geneva Convention and Supreme Court nominee hearings.

President Bush says he will meet with Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas. He says he can hardly wait for him to sing "Dancing Queen".

Prison tapes of John "Junior" Gotti show he lamented the mob losing its manliness. Apparently Michael Ovitz was right when he talked about the "Gay Mafia".

The Dali Lama told an audience at Rutgers University that war is outdated. He says that some of Donald Rumsfeld's ties could use some updating as well.

The Dali Lama told an audience at Rutgers in New Jersey that war is outdated. He also said the air smelled kind of funny.

Charges have been dropped against three Wisconsin men planning to dig up a woman's corpse for sex, because there are no laws against necrophelia in Wisconsin. How bad is the dating scene in that state?

A couple was arrested for drug trafficking after they fell asleep in their car on a Maryland highway. That will teach them not to sample the goods before delivery.

Federal officials say they are closing in on President Bush's goal of processing immigration applications at a faster rate. They have found they can do up to fourteen at a time by opening trunks at the Mexico border.

A study shows that the Dutch are the world's tallest people, with men measuring at just over six feet tall. However, Americans are still the tallest if you measure them around the waist.

Ford's restructuring plan is being snubbed by Wall Street. Apparently Ford can't even go broke right.

Going out of business is the one thing they can't look to Toyota for guidance.

A new company, Helpjet is offering chartered jets flights away from areas about to be hit by hurricanes for about $2,000. The per person cost is still actually less than when FEMA is in charge.

A woman has been arrested for trying to solicit the murder of her boyfriend's new love interest on Myspace.com. That gives a new meaning to the number of hits on a website.

New cars and SUVs must have anti-rollover technology by 2012. It could save thousands of lives, but more importantly will keep cars upright during accidents, preventing gas from spilling.

Bounty hunter Duane "Dog" Chapman is out on bail for his role in kidnapping a bail jumper in Mexico to bring back to the U.S. Authorities are worried he may jump bail, capture himself and collect the reward.

Bounty hunting is illegal in Mexico. It doesn't need to be. Just wait a while and the fugitive will try to cross the border into the U.S. out of habit.

"Survivor" won its time slot, with the controversial format of splitting the teams by race. In the first episode, the white team had to survive on the island without bottled water.


London may follow Spain's lead and exclude runway models with a Body Mass Index of 18 or less. The U.S. will not be quite so restrictive, only disqualifying models that weigh 18 pounds or less.

The models were so upset about being kicked out of the fashion shows they could barely keep their food down.

Japan estimates there will be more than 28 thousand centarians in their country this year. They came up with the estimate by counting the number of cars with their turn signals always on.

MIT is working to lower the anxiety level of students who are applying. While students stress out about grades and tests, at least they don't have to worry about a social life getting in the way.

Bill Gates has donated $68 million to fight tropical diseases. How about a couple of dollars to kill those viruses that keep getting in my computer through my PC?

Ancient tablets found in Mexico are believed to have the earliest writings in America at 2,900 years old. Archaeologists say they contain the first directions to get across the border into Los Angeles.

Cornell University scientists are developing a napkin that can detect viruses and other dangerous substances just by wiping it on a surface. They got the idea after picking up a napkin while eating at KFC.

Alfonso Soriano of the Washington nationals became the newest member of the 40/40 club, 40 home runs and stolen bases in the same season. Two others who have made the exclusive plateau are Jose Canseco and Barry Bonds. That's like rushing for 2,000 yards in the NFL to find out you share it with O.J.

With Canseco and Bonds, the 40/40 club also means 40 shots and a size 40 hat.

With Barry Bonds, 40/40 also means gaining 40 pounds of muscle after you turn 40.

Mexico has extradicted one of its biggest drug kingpins to the U.S. He arrived at the border in the trunk of a car with fourteen other prisoners.

The House has approved a 700 mile border fence for Mexico, which has a 2,000 mile border. Or they can just use it to enclose Los Angeles and trap all the illegals living there.

An explosion at the Salt Lake City library sent 400 people fleeing for cover. Authorities were shocked. There are 400 people who use a library?

Ozone levels have been falling across the eastern states where summer smog has been a recurring problem. Who knew that $3 a gallon gas was actually President Bush's environmental policy?

A Connecticut man is suing a wig shop after claiming a bad fitting toupee caused him to become upset and have a heart attack. If that's the case, Donald Trump should have been dead years ago.

The U.S. is denying there is a plan to build a moat around Baghdad for security. However, the government says that building one around L.A. doesn't seem like such a bad idea at times.

A book claims that the main qualification to be on the Iraq reconstruction team was not skill or ability, but loyalty to the Bush Administration. That certainly cut down on the number of applicants.

Japan has a new prince, the first royal male born in more than forty years. He was born into a famous family where his dad has no real job. In America we call that the Federline family.

A congressional panel wants Hewlett Packard executives to testify about their investigation into media leaks which included spying on board members and employees. They want them to work with the NSA to see if there is a method they can use to keep from being caught next time.

Walmart will end its policy of layaways, where people have sixty days to pay off an item the store holds for them. It was used by people at the lowest end of the economic scale. Those people can now use the Walmart employee discount.

Ford is cutting ten thousand white collar jobs and offering buyouts to 75 thousand hourly workers. An industry analyst says the company needs to build more compelling cars. They're saying this now to the company that gave us the Pinto?

Every Segway scooter ever built is being recalled for a software glitch. Instead of mailing the notices, they are just posting the recall announcement at all Star Trek conventions.

Venus and Serena Williams must surrender their federal tax returns as part of a lawsuit filed against them. This is just like tennis. It will be a court appearance, they have been served papers and now they have to come up with a big return.

This won't be the first time a weak return could come back to haunt a tennis player.

Jennifer Anniston was chosen to top People Magazine's best dressed list. The reason is that she dresses like a regular person. Wouldn't that make her a really crappy dresser?

Anniston likes to wear jeans and a t-shirt. So does every other woman. OK, Jennifer looks a little better in her jeans and t-shirt.

I think she should be voted best undressed person as well, and then show us we are right.

"Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling was almost stopped from carrying her latest manuscript on board a plane. Security thought it might be a bomb. Someone tipped them off she might be carrying a "Waterworld" script.

A study says that children that snore are four times more likely to wet the bed. So any kids who hear the person on the top bunk snoring had better get out of there fast!

Researchers say there are eight Americas when it comes to life expectancy, based on race, geography and wealth. In reality there are two. New Orleans, and everywhere else.

The lowest age expectancy is an Indian man living in South Dakota. I believe it's called "Custer's Revenge".

A study shows that people who listen to hip hop music tend to have more sex partners, while those listening to classical music have better odds of smoking marijuana. I had no idea Bill Clinton had such eclectic tastes.

New York is going to require all hospitals have staff translators. At first it was to help non-English speaking patients, but then it was realized everyone needs one just to fill out the insurance forms.

Russia's Parliament has turned down a proposal; to send Madonna into space as a tourist. They figured society would be much better served if they launched Yanni or John Tesh.

Walter Cronkite says Katie Couric is doing a "great job" as the new CBS anchor. Although he doesn't appreciate her stealing his trademark of sitting on the desk crosslegged to end the show.

That's it for now, Oh Faithful readers! Remember, you can always send the love...It just may be intercepted by the NSA...



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