Sunday, September 24, 2006

Greetings, Oh faithful readers...It's officially autumn...That means my jokes will soon be changing color...

McDonald's is making a big push to make hamburgers popular in China, saying beef is sexy. Yes, there is nothing sexier than a bunch of fat people in the cardiac care unit.

A former Playboy Playmate is suing a cab driver and the New York City Police after being taken into custody following a dispute. The Playmate says the driver lied when he said when she had a gun. In actuality, he merely said she had a pair of 38s.

A 1920's vintage ten cent postage stamp was auctioned off for $74 thousand in New Jersey. The buy can pick it up as soon as the letter it is on is finally delivered.

FEMA has reportedly underestimated the cost of repair costs around New Orleans following Hurricane Katrina. Apparently they are using old guidelines based on cheap gasoline and labor from illegal immigrants.

New federal security rules for states' drivers licenses could cost up to $11 billion to implement. The real damage still comes from handing out licenses to people who can't drive.

Prince William has joined his brother Harry in the Household Cavalry Division. Who would have thought that two princes would end up in the Household Cavalry. What do they do, guard the refrigerator?

The "Household Cavalry Division" conjures up images of a couch, a TV and a wet bar.

The Household Cavalry Division performs mostly ceremonial duties. That sounds pretty much like the entire British Army.

Mexican President Vicente Fox says crime is a problem on both sides of the border, and the U.S. needs to work on its own rising crime rates. That should change as soon as we close the border.

U.S. officials are criticizing the high kidnapping rates in Mexican border towns. Of course, most of that is because of Duane "Dog" Chapman.

A lawsuit is claiming Exxon is guilty of age discrimination. The oil company says there is no merit to the charges. They overcharge everyone equally.

The Forbes 400 list this year for the first time includes only billionaires. It is also now known as the "Oil Company Executive Registry".

Casino magnate Sheldon Adelson moved up to #3 on the Forbes 400. He made an estimated $1 million an hour last year. That was during a visit at the same time by Pete Rose and William Bennett.

Actor Chow Yun-fat has lost weight for his new film "Battle of red Cliff". He is now known as Chow Yun-chubby.

Chow Yun-fat's secret to losing the fat was not so much on the Chow.

Giorgio Armani blames stylists and the media for the trend to skinny models. So that's who has been sticking their fingers down the models' throats.

Nielsen says TV viewership has hit a record high level, with the average household watching more than eight hours a day. It's hard to believe people have that much time to watch TV inbetween playing video games, talking on their cell phones and looking at the internet.

The average person watches about four and a half hours of TV a day. Fortunately, television is still one of the few modern electronic gadgets that allows you to eat while using it.

The average person watches about four and a half hours of TV a day. Of course, about three and a half hours of that is spent looking for something worth watching.

The average TV viewer spends three and a half hours looking for something to watch other than poker tournaments and "Saved By the Bell".

The California Attorney General is suing Toyota, General Motors, Ford and three other car manufacturers for damages from greenhouse gases produced by their cars. Ford is asking to be let out of the lawsuit since nobody buys or drives their cars anymore.

Scientists have discovered a new species of shark off the coast of Indonesia that walks on its fins. Apparently it is the last step in the evolutionary cycle before lawyers moved onto land.

The UCI World Cycling Federation is considering shortening the Tour de France. Apparently cyclists have been having a real problem with a shortage of hypodermic needles.

The World Cycling Federation is thinking of shortening the Tour de France. It was a lot easier than the other request from the cyclists, lowering the mountains.

Duke University is barring strippers from campus after it was discovered it was not against the rules. It could prevent another incident like the lacrosse team party, but is expected to pretty much kill football recruiting.

The F-14 Tomcat fighter plane made famous in the movie "Top Gun" has been retired from active duty. The Navy says the plane was tough to fly, tough to fix, and tough to get people to quit associating the Navy with Tom Cruise.

CIA agents refused to operate secret jails where inmates were tortured, for fear of being prosecuted at a later time. The administration says it should have just replaced them with real pros from the IRS.

Congress has released a report saying the Bush administration still doesn't understand the threat from al-Queda. Of course, the administration still doesn't even understand the threat of going hunting with Dick Cheney.

A government report says science education in the U.S. is overly broad and superficial. The Bush administration says that will be taken care of when they replace it with prayer and Bible study.

Wyoming schools have gotten a huge windfall from increased cost and production of natural gas. Schools are so much better, it looks like all three high school graduates may be accepted into college.

Former Deputy Secretary of State Richard Armitage denies telling a Pakistani official he would bomb his country back to the Stone Age if they didn't cooperate after 9/11. What he told them is that he would bomb them forward to the Stone Age.

Apparently when he told him we would bomb Pakistan back to the Stone Age, he said it while holding up a firecracker.

Armitage says he never told the Pakistani official we would blow them back to the Stone Age. He actually told Robert Novak.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez called President Bush "The Devil" in a speech at the U.N. He held up a book by Noam Chomsky and it became a best seller. Who does he think he is, Oprah?

A military coup in Thailand stopped the filming of a Nicolas Cage movie. The rebels apologized. saying they thought it was a Kevin Costner movie.

Thousands are protesting against the Prime Minister of Hungary, after a tape was released with him saying he lied about the economy. President Bush said "See! That's what you get for admitting to a lie."

Alaska residents will each get $1100 this year in oil royalties just for living in the state. What's hard to understand is the people of North Dakota living where they are for free.

Warren Buffett's 2001 Lincoln sold for $73 thousand on e Bay. Apparently, the buyer thought it belonged to Jimmy Buffett.

This just shows how Buffett became a billionaire. He sold his car for $73 thousand, and the tank was empty.

Cablevision Systems Corporation allegedly granted stock options to an executive after he had already died. The company says giving him the option while he was alive would be like arriving at a customer's house on time.

Domino's Pizza drivers in Florida have formed a union. Their motto is "Pizza delivery in three days or less. Guaranteed. Unless it's a holiday or after hours."

Convicted Enron executive Jeffrey Skilling was arrested for public intoxication in Dallas. He was detained in jail for awhile, otherwise known as a "dress rehearsal."

Starbuck's coffee is going up a nickel. That represents the company's cost of brewing the latte they charge $3 for.

Hewlett Packard CEO Mark Hurd allegedly had a role in the probe of the company leak. At least that is what Robert Novak is reporting.

J.D. Power and Associates says the most appealing car is the Porsche Cayman. Of course it's the most appealing. You can't afford it.

That's like saying most guys would like to date Jennifer Anniston.

Vice President Cheney spoke to an association of car dealers, and never addressed the billion dollar losses Detroit is looking at. Of course, he would probably have had to apologize for letting oil companies raise prices so that everyone started buying foreign cars.

Cheney told the dealers his first car was a '49 Chevy. And that he would still rather drive that than a new Ford.

Chrysler says it will cut production by 24%. Chairman Dieter Zetsche says the reason for the downturn is those stupid commercials starring Dieter Zetsche.

Chrysler says it is cutting production by 24%. The bad news is, sales are projected to drop by 28%.

Auto industry experts are talking about the possibility of an alliance between Ford and GM. The merger would combine the bad mileage of GM along with the overall poor quality of Ford.

Pan Am employees were finally paid their back wages, after waiting fifteen years. Employees said if they were any more late they would have sworn it was United.

Omaha steaks is selling frozen steaks at airports to take on the planes. By the time customers get through security and airline delays, the steaks are thawed and ready to eat.

Lebron James ate lunch with billionaire Warren Buffett. Apparently James wanted advice on investing, and Buffett wanted to learn how to correctly execute the pick and roll.

David Beckham is not playing in his second consecutive league match for Real Madrid. He was told to Bench it like Beckham.

Northern Colorado's punter returned two weeks after being stabbed in his leg and punted the ball 58 yards. This means Mike Vanderjagt had better hide the team training table cutlery.

The U.S. Women's basketball team won the bronze medal at the World's Championships. Hard to believe they are on parity with the men's team.

An art broker is suing former Guns 'n Roses front man Axl Rose for backing out of a deal for a $2.36 million Andy Warhol painting. The question is, who is stupid enough to think Axl Rose has $2.36 million?

Chinese children are gaining weight, and their eyesight is worse. How fat are you getting when your eyelids are getting in the way?

If our kids can't be as smart as the Chinese, we'll win by making them as fat as ours.

The first penis transplant was recently performed in China. The hardest part of the surgery was when someone referred to "Wang", no one knew if they meant the patient, the doctor or the organ.

Apparently, when they ask if you want to be an organ donor in China, they mean an organ donor.

Fox is trying to impose a static image on commercials to try to reach people who fast forward through them on TiVo. In a related story, NBC is using a static image on programs for people who fast forward through them.

The son of Miami Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga was sentenced for DUI. Apparently he gives new meaning to drinking like a fish.

Apparently Huizenga got away with it for years, waiting for the police to chase Ricky Williams out of the parking lot first.

Pete Rose baseballs inscribed with an apology were auctioned off for a thousand dollars each. To which Rose apologized to himself for not signing more and keeping them for himself.

Shaquille O'Neal has started the O'Neal Group, a real estate venture developing 1,100 residential units in Miami. They are the ones with eight foot high doorways.

The business plans to keep a cash flow going by having Shaq show up to personally convince the tenants to pay their rent each month.

Santa Clara University has retired the jersey of NBA player Steve Nash. Not because he is a two time MVP, because he is a college athlete who actually graduated.

The Rancho Palos Verdes city council approved an illegal 70' high flagpole at Trump National Golf Course. They didn't realize when they approved it that Donald Trump intends to fly a giant flag with his picture on it.

The flagpole will have a giant wind sock that Trump can use to estimate the direction his combover will be flapping.

Woman bowler Kelly Kulick has qualified for the men's PBA pro bowling tour. There hasn't been this much excitement about bowling since the invention of the beer frame.

Kulick hopes to make as much money as another crossover athlete, Michele Wie. Or more likely, the guy who delivers the free golf balls and shoes to her house.

Texas residents are still cleaning up after Hurricane Rita, a year after making landfall. To which FEMA says "You mean there was another storm?"

"Jackass Number Two" opened in first place at the box office. People apparently thought it was the newest Mel Gibson movie.

A new energy drink is called "Cocaine". It is addictive, a stimulant and is expensive. The only problem is that "Starbuck's" was already taken.

Ford is cutting its number of car dealers. Ford realized there was a problem when they had more dealers than customers.

Research shows that Viagra worsens sleep apnea, a breathing abnormality. I don't even want to know what people are doing to cause that.

If you are using Viagra and it interferes with your breathing, you are sleeping in an entirely incorrect position.

Cosmetic surgery is on the upswing for British businessmen. Apparently they want to change their appearance so no one recognizes them for their bad teeth.

George Michael is on his first tour in fifteen years. At least the first one that doesn't involve a public restroom.

A homemade car reportedly gets 105 miles per gallon. Ford reports their cars get even better mileage than that. When they are being towed.

U.S. doctors are reluctant to use e-mail, according to research. They can't get used to the idea of actually having people be able to read their writing.

Dallas Cowboy Terrell Owens reportedly tried to commit suicide by drug overdose. Some people are suspicious. Questions were raised when Bill Parcells added Dr. Kevorikian to the team's medical staff.

Terrell Owens and his publicity agent Kim Etheredge held a news conference to deny Owens tried to commit suicide. The football world was shocked. Since when does Terrell Owens need a publicity agent?

That's it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! If you have gotten this far without groaning or becoming disgusted, that is the same as sending the love...

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