Sunday, September 03, 2006

Greetings, Oh faithful readers...Happy Labor Day! Shouldn't Labor Day fall right before Mother's Day?

Radio Shack fired four hundred employees by e-mail. Unfortunately, most of them have Tandy computers and can't get into their e-mail.

Martin Sheen enrolled as a student at a college in Ireland. Now if someone could just get his son Emilio Estevez to take some acting classes.

What college is even in Ireland? The closest thing I can think of would be bartending school.

Why go to college in Ireland? Mainly because the coeds are already pretty much drunk half the time.

The oldest Californian died at 112 years old. He lived on a diet of waffles and sausages. A centenarian with a high fat diet. Now there went a real pioneer.

The Pentagon is cracking down on payday lenders who charge servicemen outrageous interest rates on short term loans. The Pentagon is thinking of charging them with impersonating a credit card company.

The nation's governors are against a proposal to give President Bush more control over the National Guard during disasters. At least the Administration is finally admitting Iraq is a disaster.

A survey shows that one third of the nation fears another 9/11 type attack. The other two thirds fear going through an airport security check.

The United States and Cuba are sharing weather information in the event of large storms like hurricanes. The Coast Guard just wants to know when a south wind develops so they know when all the Cubans will try to sail to the U.S.

Brooke Shields says Tom Cruise came over to her house to apologize for bad mouthing her and her treatment for depression. She says she wishes he would have said he was sorry without jumping all over the couch.

The #2 man in al Queda is urging Americans to convert to Islam. He would like to start a door to door campaign, but says it takes too long to stand in line behind the Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses.

Iran is warning that oil prices will go up if any actions are taken against them. To which the oil companies replied, "Hey, we thought of it first!"

A Department of Treasury report says IRS audits are not catching wealthy tax cheaters. Of course, under the Bush tax plan, the wealthy don't need to cheat in the first place.

Big Tobacco companies are asking the courts if they can keep selling "light" and "low tar" labeled cigarettes pending a ruling. Truth in advertising laws may make them change the label to "slower killing".

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia was the most traveled justice last year, taking 24 paid trips. It would have been more, but he has stopped taking hunting invitations from Dick Cheney.

A robot is being developed that can identify cheese and wines. It even has different settings, ranging from "pretentious" to "snobby".

A wine tasting robot? Sounds more like a snob-bot.

A robot that can identify cheese and wines. The world's first gay robot.

That's the most gay robot since C-3P0.

Myspace.com will start selling songs from three million unsigned music groups. Finally some good news for David Lee Roth and M.C. Hammer.

The Chinese supplier for iPod will let 200 thousand workers unionize. That means pretty soon they will be outsourcing all our old jobs back to us.

Ellen Degeneres escaped injury in a three car crash in Los Angeles. Amazingly, that was the first time she has ever been rear ended.

The police report called it a "fender bender with a gender bender".

L. Brent Bozell is stepping down as president of the Parents TV Council, a lobbying group for decency in broadcasting. He watched one night of prime time television and conceded that TV has won.

The new movie "Crank" is out. It's about a man who is drugged with a poison that will kill him if his heart rate drops below a certain level. He survives by stealing Dick Cheney's pacemaker.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel was chosen as the world's most powerful woman, beating out Condoleeza Rice. The real question is, who would get help with a flat tire first, Chancellor Merkel or Jessica Simpson?

The most powerful woman in the world? A two way tie for the women who had a President on his knees begging. First Monica, then Hillary.

Some colleges are expelling students who attempt suicide. It's either that or they must pay their tuition in advance.

College students most likely to commit suicide are those who bought Duke season football tickets.

New York City health officials have issued guidelines for doctors on how to detect and treat illnesses caused by the 9/11 disaster. These guys are making FEMA look like they're on the ball.

A study shows that half the radio ads for alcohol are aired during youth oriented programs. That time should be reserved for other more kid friendly products, like video games and condoms.

McDonald's has redesigned the cups for McFlurries in order to save hedgehogs who get their heads stuck in the discarded containers. Fortunately, their small size is the only thing keeping people's heads from getting stuck in them.

An Arab human rights activist is upset he was told by airport officials to conceal a shirt that had Arabic writing on it. Wearing a T-shirt with Arabic writing to an airport is about as smart as wearing a Red Sox jersey to Yankee Stadium.

A Colorado woman scared two bears out of her kitchen by clapping and yelling. How fat are we that we will fight wild animals for our food?

The SAT had its biggest drop in scores in more than thirty years after increasing the length of the test. It now takes just under four hours to complete. Half of our students take at least twenty minutes to figure out which end of the pencil to use.

No wonder the students do poorly with the longer test. Going more than a half hour without eating is cruel and unusual punishment to today's oversized kids.

Detroit teachers are set to go on strike. There are no issues. The teachers just feel safer at home.

Detroit teachers are striking. Tough to negotiate for their side. These are the people who educated Madonna and Eminem.

A study shows the ozone layer is recovering. It has actually stopped thinning since 1997. Credit is given to limiting ozone depleting chemicals, and applying Rogaine.

Prisoners in the Philippines are shaving their heads and chests to contribute hair to mop up a huge oil spill. The idea to use hair to soak up oil spills came to a scientist who saw how much oil could be absorbed into the hair of Jerry Lewis.

An Australian brothel is offering rebates on gasoline prices. So you can save money every time you go to the pump.

A poll says one third of Americans think the terrorists are winning. How else does Simon Cowell stay on "American Idol".

Tom DeLay says he is writing a book about his faith and conservatism, and how his spiritual walk furthered the conservative cause. It will be published as "fiction".

His next book will chronicle his going from "spiritual walk" to "perp walk".

His next book will be a prison novel.

The Dallas Cowboys have been listed as the second most valuable team in the NFL, with assets of $1.173 billion. Their liabilities are listed as "T.O."

Starbuck's workers in Chicago have joined a union. That means a cup of coffee will now go for $10, and you can have it when they are good and ready.

Canada is denouncing proposed border fees by the U.S. All they have to do is fly to Mexico and walk across the border for free.

Chrysler is bringing back no interest financing. Coincidentally, Ford has customers who just have no interest.

Harley Davidson is set to make three wheeled trikes. How fat have we gotten that we can't even balance on two wheels anymore?

Barry Bonds says he could be productive in 2007. If a grand jury determines he lied, he could be productive either as a trustee or by stamping out license plates.

The U.S. basketball team came in third place at the world championships. All their brass only got them bronze.

GM dropped out as a sponsor of "Survivor" in the wake of dividing the teams by race. The new sponsor is "Pimp My Ride".

The number of books threatened to be removed from libraries dropped to an all time low. Parents are finally realizing their kids quit reading books years ago.

A study shows that thirty one states have seen an increase in obesity. "Blue state" now refers to states where people are more likely to have heart attacks.

The study says that almost 30% of the people in Mississippi are obese. When they refer to the "mouth of the Mississippi", they aren't talking about the river.

A report says the government has no plan for treating nuclear attack survivors. Nuclear attack? We can't even protect people from getting shot by the Vice President.

Scientists say summer like weather is lasting longer, with the line between seasons being blurred. That became obvious with the World Series lasting until November and NBA finals in July.

Panasonic is selling a High Definition TV that is 103" in size for $80 thousand. Paying 80 grand for a TV is my definition of being high.

Maury Povich failed to qualify for the Senior Amateur Championship. He's in big trouble now. All those afternoons he was gone he was telling Connie Chung he was playing golf.

Obesity is becoming an international problem, with more than a billion people overweight. Those are the same "one billion" who have been served at McDonald's.

Some students around the country will be given a nasal spray flu vaccine this year. How fat are we that we can't even find veins anymore for shots?

Research shows that male infertility may have an obesity link. How fat are you when you can't even figure out how to have sex?

A researcher has figured out that August 30th is the most likely for Britons to argue. However, his findings are being disputed.

August 30th is the day when summer is over in the minds of most people, which puts them in a bad mood. Most Mets fans are in a bad mood April 4th, the start of baseball season and more disappointment.

Carolyn Kepcher, Donald Trump's assistant on "The Apprentice" has been fired. She knew she was in trouble when he kept calling her "Omarosa".

Andre Agassi last his third round match at the U.S. Open and retired from the game. Andre was known for never leaving anything on the court. Except his hair.

A bill passed in California would ban hand held cell phones while driving. Now people will have an extra hand to deal with their Starbuck's, makeup and Glock.

That's it for now, oh faithful readers! On this Labor Day, remember this is a labor of love. I do the labor, all you need to do is send the love...



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